I'm failing as a step-father

[boomhauer]

Yeah, that's an interesting point.

However, I honestly was just upset because he wasn't listening to me at all, and I was afraid the baby would get hurt.

I'm lost. My wife gets mad at me because I don't take an active enough role in bringing up her son. Then, I intervene and repromand him, and she gets mad at me for being too hard on him.

Ain't life grand.

 

[mickeyfan2]

I agree that when your are watching another person's one year old you must keep them safe. Your SS seems to be showing some jealousy toward the baby. You and DW need to discuss this and set boundaries for your DSS' actions and what to do when he over steps them.

 

[goofy4tink]

Okay....I've been the mother of a 5 y/o who had a sort of step-parent. When my eldest dd, now 29, was 5 my dh and I split up. I moved on to a relationship soon after. This guy and my dd, then 5, were like oil and water. Man, it was awful. The guy and I eventually got married (9 yrs. later!!). Now, the two of them are the best of buddies...go figure. I used to get really defensive when he tried to 'discipline' my kids. Darn it, they were my kids and he had no business doing that. But I sure didn't have any problem taking help from him financially. Wrong!!!! When this same dd started giving us some really severe issues, after we married, we ended up going to a counselor. We had our 'own' dd at this point, and dh had some issues with my parenting style. So, we covered a lot of bases. Long story short....try to see someone who is impartial. It sounds like your dw is a bit defensive about her child...the whole mama bear thing going on here. I would ask your MIL not to bring the little one down in the future. As far as expectations for the 5 y/o...sorry people, but a 5 y/o knows what is right and what is wrong. Check any preschool and you will see this age, and younger, being asked to accept responsibility for their actions. Unfortunatly, this poor child is getting backed up in his bad behavior. It may cause some issues as he grows.
I would ask your dw if you could take some time when you are both comfortable to talk about your differing parenting styles. Tell her that you do realize that you were wrong in your outburst but that you are concerned for your step-son as he goes through childhood. That you want him to have friends and have happy, fun relationships with the other kids. That, sure, he is only 5 now, but can we work on little things with him. that you really want to have kids with her, but don't want her son to feel left out when those other siblings come along...that we should help him now so he won't be envious of those siblings.

Hopefully, your dw will start communicating with you. If not, you have an issue. You can't do this all by yourself. But, keep in mind as you go along with this....my dd and my dh were going to kill each other at points. It was horrific to watch. I shudder to just remember it. But, now...dd always takes my dh's side in most arguments...he is always right, I'm always wrong. She asks him to go car shopping with her. There is hope, but it takes some hard work and self-evaluation.

 

[C.Ann]

I guess I've just been lucky because any 5 year old that I've been involved with (my own 3 and my granddaughter) knew/knows full well that you have to be careful with younger children - and especially a baby..

The only mistake I can see (other than calling him an immature brat) is that you gave him too many warnings.. If you aren't going to follow through with what you're telling them not to do (and what the consequences are) they will continue to behave in the same manner indefinitely.. A better option would have been to give him one warning - with the follow-up that if he did it again he would need to sit in a chair for 5 minutes, go to his room for 5 minutes, or whatever - and then follow through on it.. All of this can be accomplished without shouting or using an angry voice..

As for your wife - I think she's acting even more immature than the 5 year old.. Being a step-parent is not easy (I was a step-parent to 5 kids) and the two of you really need to come to some sort of mutual agreement/compromise as to how these sort of issues are going to be handled..

You're not a "failure" - you're just new to this whole game and it's going to take some adjustment all the way around (you, wife & stepson)..

Hang in there! It will get better..

 

[boomhauer]

Some won't agree with me pasting this, but here's the email she sent. Quite frankly, just don't care anymore. I give up:

You know what, right now I can’t communicate with you. With whatever you got going through your mind and your stress at work and vacation, I can’t take it anymore. You say that I take my stress out on you all the time, well you are doing the same thing on me right now, and your also doing it with (son). I think honestly that until you leave we need our space apart because its just hurting everyone. I know you said that your sorry, but you can only say sorry to me so many times before it really doesn’t seem to mean anything anymore. You degraded (son) last night, not only because he was playing a little too rough with (baby), but because you are stressed. You degraded and ridiculed me this morning on my parenting of (son). This isn’t the first time you’ve done this to us. You know, you don’t seem to understand that everyone in life gets stressed. Sometimes some get it more than others, but you know what, you have to deal with it the best you can. Aren’t you the one always telling me that when I get all pissed off ?

You know I understand your stressed at work and you need these solo trips, but you know what, your not the only one that gets upset at work or is stressed at work, and the fact that you go hybernating away from your family to avoid that stress hurts. I know its your passion and you like it, but how long are you going to be doing it for? I mean I know by know that everytime your gonna stop it you are just giving me false hope and it hurts me to have to hear you say something that you are stating as truth, but deep down I know it’s a lie. Not by your own intentions, but because you want me to feel better at that moment.

I honestly think that right now we need to start our time apart tonite. Your leaving in a day, get your self composed so you don’t have a bad time, and when you get back, I honestly think that you really need to go back into counseling. Obviously you have issues that unfortunately I just can’t handle alone or you just don’t want me to know. You need to either talk more to your friends, or you need to talk to a counselor about them.

I’m telling you this now because I was very upset this morning, but I wrote you a letter and its in your suitcase, and I was saying a lot of it out of hate this morning towards you because of what you had said to me about (son) and my parenting, but others are true. One such is that if you come back and you continue acting this way and stressing out on (son) the way you did last night I am not going to take it anymore. You stress out as much as you want to me, because you know what I deal with people yelling and hurting my feelings, and making me feel like sh** all day at work, taking it at home doesn’t effect me all day. But I am not going to have you do it to (son). Your right, (son) is my kid and althought he might not be perfect and I might have messed up along the way in raising him, he’s still my flesh and blood and I will defend and stick up for him. He’s got it rough enough right now with whats going on between his father and me. I might yell at him as well and I might say things that hurt him, but I turn right around after I say it and tell him that I was wrong, because I know I’m wrong and I know it hurts to hear someone hurt you in that way. (son) knows when I yell at him its because he did do something wrong and he knows that sometimes when I yell its because I’m stressed. As much as it doesn’t seem we talk or he listens he does and he knows.

I don’t want you writing back or calling saying your sorry. Again, you need to just get on that plane Saturday and take your vacation and come home if you feel that you should. I love you, but I just can’t do this anymore like this. I don’t feel needed and I sure don’t feel like I’m helping your problems or stress or anxiety.

We both need help, but I don’t think we are helping each other in any way by simply saying sorry after fights, and turning around a couple days or weeks later in the same situation.R

 

[mickeyfan2]

WOW it seems you both need some serious family conseling!!! I guess you need to leave tonight and go on you vacation to let everybody cool down. When you get back try to setup counseling and see if cooler heads will prevail. She seems like she may have made up her mind and a divorce maybe in your future. The one about you needing counseling is sure telling. She seems to see you and not herself or her son as the problem. She is also having problems with the father, so she maybe taking her anger at him out on you. Hope all works out and this does not ruin your vacation. Just curious, why are you not taking the family on your vacation?

 

[boomhauer]

Just curious, why are you not taking the family on your vacation?

She only has 1 week of vacation. I have 4.

 

[C.Ann]

Why the implication that only you need to go to counseling? Sounds to me like she could use some counseling as well.. I would suggest marriage counseling - or better yet, family counseling - considering the stepson seems to be the biggest issue.. Would you be open to that? And would she? If her answer is no, then it appears she is one of these "My way or the highway" type of people and you'll never resolve your issues if she continues with that mind set..

 

[Disney1fan2002]

CAn I just ask the OP, are you the one who has the wife that stops living when her son goes to his dad's?

 

[smilie]

You are one smart cookie C. Ann. What wonderful advice.

 

[boomhauer]

Doesn't much matter anymore. That email pretty much did me in. Clearly, I've failed her and she no longer wishes to be married to me.

Hey, things happen. What can you do?

 

[diznygirl]

Well, it looks like she wants perfection, and if she can't have that then she wants nothing at all. And she thinks YOU need counseling? I think you both need to speak with someone so she can understand that everyone handles stress differently and communicates differently. She needs to realize that there is some middle ground for the two of you - it's not her way or the highway.

And I definitely think you should email her back that you love her, you understand her frustrations, but you WILL be home tonight with your family. (Keep it short and simple). She is pushing you away, and you can't let her think that it's okay with you.

Good luck!

 

[ReneeA]

<sigh>

Have you guys tried marriage counseling? Honestly, it's the best thing to do for communication. It sounds like you both need to learn some tools to communicate effectively, and it's not something you learn by yourself. Otherwise, I don't see you working this marriage out. Neither of you can be expected to live like that for long.

As for the 5 year old, he should know to be gentle with the baby. I have a 4 y.o. son who is a very rough and tumble boy...yet he know what our expectations are. I really like C.Ann's idea about the warning then follow through. It's what we do with our kids. The four year old gets one warning, then a time out. The two year old gets 2 warnings, then a time out. When time outs aren't working I start taking away their favorite toys for a week. I also have been known to loose my temper on occasion and yell at them or even spank on very rare occasions, so I can't fault you for loosing your temper.

You have to let them know your expectations, what they are looking at for punishment, and then follow through - every single time. You will see a huge behavioral change if you actually do it.

Good luck...


ReneeA

 

[Christine]

Oh, Boomhauer, he we go with the "solo trip" thing again. She assures you over and over that the trips are okay, that she wants you to be happy, and yet, each time before the trip there is a huge deal made, she makes you feel like crap, and the whole "solo trip" thing comes up again?

Honestly, I do think you are just doomed with this woman. Instead of treating you as family, it seems you are always going to be the "outsider" with her and her son. This just seems like a no-win situation for you.

And, like C. Ann mentioned, she might be a "my way or the highway" person. That's what I'm thinking.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Boom,

I am sorry that this is all happening again.

From what I have been reading, I think I would be thanking your lucky stars that you and her are not expecting a child right now.

While I see maybe a bit of immaturity on your part. (I suspect the both of you are fairly young....) I see some very troubling issues on her part.

From your last post,

( "Doesn't much matter anymore. That email pretty much did me in. Clearly, I've failed her and she no longer wishes to be married to me.
Hey, things happen. What can you do?" )

I am wondering if (perhaps subconsciensely) you are not waiting for her to cross the line again and tell you that you are not wanted, or she wants out, so that you have the excuse/reason to make your exit. Which may actually be the best thing????

I wish you the best.

 

[diznygirl]

Doesn't much matter anymore. That email pretty much did me in. Clearly, I've failed her and she no longer wishes to be married to me.

Hey, things happen. What can you do?

So it's that easy for you to just turn around and walk away?

She's obviously gun-shy with the whole relationship thing - that last one ended badly for her. It's the ol' push him away before he leaves me scenario. Yes, she has issues, and you two have no communication skills apparently. But if you love her, tell her, fight for her - if not, oh well, what can you do???

 

[cardaway]

After reading that email I say cut and run.

 

[Keggy]

Sounds to me like she is jealous of your trip. I know I would be if my husband was going on a trip without me while I stayed home and worked. And I know my husband would be jealous too. Now, this doesn't excuse her behavior. I don't think that yelling at the 5 yr old is appropriate. As many others on this thread have posted - you need to follow through. Sit down with your wife and come up with suitable punshments for the 5 yr old. Whether it be time out, no tv for a certain period of time, etc. that is not going to get her all riled up.

I had a step=father when I was five and we hated eachother. He hated me just as much as I hated him. The thing is - everything defaulted to my mom. If you are going to be a parent - be a parent step or otherwise.

Kelly

 

[Wishing on a star]

Boom,

I also wanted to add that the way she is treating you, and being demanding, and then cutting you down and pushing you away, saying, why even expect to come home and share our bed tonight, then "Come back home from your trip, if that's what you want....)

that is COMPLETELY warped and passive aggressive!!! She isn't wanting to share her bed and her life with you, but you can come home if 'You' want...

She is very clearly dumping all of the heavy baggage on YOU. Why the heck would you WANT to go back home under these stipulations... (if you are going to simply be mistreated and made to sleep on the couch every time she has a bad day)???

 

[TEENEE]

Wow, so it's ok for her to erupt when she is mad but it's not ok for you? She needs to take her own advice, you all could benefit from counseling. I don't think you are failing as a step parent. It sounds like you are trying but she is not. Try to enjoy your vacation. Maybe she will calm down and actually talk to you when you return. Good luck.