I wrecked Valentines Day before breakfast

[cnj]

I remember my husband bought red roses on our first Valentine's Day together. I wanted it to be perfect and was so upset when he bought me red roses, when I hated (at the time) red roses. I was a huge brat. I still apologize to him now and then when I recall that Valentine's Day. We were very young when we got married and thankfully I have grown up a lot since then.

It has been ten years since then. Now, I am grateful whenever he brings me flowers, no matter what they are (this year they were orchids). In fact, one of the best gifts he ever gave me, was when he went to the grocery store to pick up milk the day after Mother's Day and came back with 6 dozen red roses. Turns out the store was trying to get rid of them and they were only $1 a dozen. It was fabulous and the house smelled good for days.

Maybe your wife saw that Rachel Ray episode the other day where Rachel and her gal pal were bashing men who bought women red roses from the grocery store. They were saying how it didn't have any effort in it at all and roses were unoriginal. Personally, I think a nice gesture is a nice gesture no matter where it came from or what it costs.

 

[Sandy321]

oh another incident that "ITS NOT ABOUT THE GLOVE"

you think you are arguing about one thing, and it turns out, you're truly hurt about something unrelated!! Now we get to say "its not about the glove' and it stops us in our tracks, and we think, ok, then what is this about... it helps us get over small incidents before they become blown out of proportion...

and somehow I keep picturing a BILL COSBY show where he took a boyfriend and said... let me explain it like this, I'm going to make you a nice big steak dinner, all the trimmings, your absolute favorite side dishes, drinks, dessert - but I'm going to serve it on a garbage can lid -

now that was me totally paraphrasing from memory - but I think maybe the wife is thinking he served it on a garbage can - so communication is the key - not over reaction!! (esier said than done in cyber space at least!)

 

[disykat]

There are traditions with certain holidays and the op has submitted to the constant selling he has been subjected to in this instance, I do not think he should be picked on for this, what have the women posting on this thread done for their men today?

I made him a cake. He's not really a fan of cake, but I baked it in a heart shaped pan for Valentine's Day so I'm sure he'll be feeling the love.

(Just kidding - he likes cake, and I made his favorite kind)

 

[jamimb]

This sounds complete balderdash!

She complains he does not put blinds up and down when she is out if he is in the garden. It seems that he has to comply to every little aspect of her demands, what I leant was that a marriage was a partnership and a compromise, I see little example of that here.

I can't comment on why she is the way she is about everyhting else but this is classic OCD. She's not being a b**** she can't help it. I am borderline OCD and even though it may not seem rational to others (and sometimes ourselves) you fixate (spelling?) on certain things and kinda go wacko if they are not so. It's not even rational to me sometimes but that's where the obsessvie part comes in.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Just because you might react in an adult manner (although I doubt not one of you might have a bit of a hissy fit ever) doesn't mean that everyone does. Maybe she was upset already and this made it worse. Maybe it seems to her like he never ever listens to her likes and needs but does what he thinks is the right thing and then explains it away with some reasoning of his own. Therefore trying to justify why he did what he did when in fact he simply did not listen to the wants and needs of his wife. Sure we are all grateful for a gift but to be honest, if I told my DH that I hated something year after year (not just on the holiday) and he still ignored me because it's "tradition" I would be very hurt and then very angry. Hurt because I expect more from a man who loves me and angry because again- I expect more from a man who loves me. Maybe she just had a meltdown? Haven't we all been there? Not trying to flame the OP but he goes on and on about how he picked them all out even though he knows she doesn't like them because it is tradition for the holiday etc. Who cares what the tradition is if she has specifically said she doesn't like it? She is not telling him what to get her. She is simply upset because he didn't even take the time to get her something that she might truly like but instead knowingly got her something she wouldn't like! From what the OP is saying it seems like he does stuff like this all the time. The wife is not a nonperson and I am willing to bet she feels that way. OP- the best thing you can do is actually listen to your wife. I used to tell people when my dh and I were dating that I was so impressed that he remembered how I liked my tea and I never had to even tell him. Simple and stupid I know but to this day that means more to me than a mine full of diamonds because he took the time to pay attention because he thinks I'm worth it. Good luck.


ETA- Rick- I'll take the spacesaver! I love getting new gadgets!!!!

 

[chobie]

Sorry, I'm with your wife. I think she made too much of it but you KNEW all the things you were doing were things she did not want and you did it anyway. When you are romancing a woman, you pay attention to the details or you fail. Some women are so greatful for any attention they will overlook this lack of attention to detail. Others are not so desperate. I know you love your wife and deep down she knows it too. But, don't make this kind of mistake again. Also, I have a feeling that you've communicated with us much more here in this thread than you normally communicate with her. Send HER an email....tell her how you feel about her....don't waste your time here. Doesn't seem like you have very much to spare. Again....pay attention to the details or your actions are generic. No woman likes to be treated like just anyone, they want to feel special and appreciated. That means YOU notice what they like and what they don't, responding accordingly.

I agree. It sounds like the OP is the passive aggressive one. He knew she wouldn't want that and bought them anyway just to get it over with. It took me many years to get through to my husband that running out at the last minute and getting flowers does not say love to me.

That being said, I think this holiday is stupid.

 

[N.Bailey]

Very true. But I would deal with it in an adult manner, I definitely wouldnt' throw a tantrum, or be passive aggressive, nor would I call and rant for a half hour on the phone while he was on his way to work. I would state my case firmly, as an adult, after all was said and done.

Plus, have you seen how expensive Food Savers are? Those suckers are expensive.

I agree, for the first so many years, I didn't want to hurt hubby's feelings, so I gently beat around the bush. Since that was getting me nowhere, I got a little more outspoken thru the years, but still never really harsh. Finally, while I like to think I remained civil, I didn't mince words and really explained why I was hurt. Only then did he truly understand where I was coming form.

I don't condone the OP's wife's behavior at all. It's way over the top.

BTW, as I typed,

Let's say that you had told Joe for 5 years or more that you hate food savers

I had to stop myself from laughing, as I can't see how anyone could hate them. I can see how you might not think they're the best gift in the world, but is it possible to hate the things?

 

[KikiFan]

Your wife definitely overreacted and certainly should have handled it better. The part about not being able to enjoy Valentines day with the kids was really over the top. It's obvious that the two of you have some major issues which have little to do with flowers.

But at the same time you didn't buy the flowers blindly - not realizing she didn't like them. You stood in the store and thought well she doesn't like red roses she does like yellow tulips. I think I'll buy her the red roses. It was a very deliberate act on your part to go with something you knew she didn't like.

I know that guys can sometimes be clueless when it comes to picking presents. But you weren't the least bit clueless were you? You knew exactly what she liked and made a deliberate choice not to get it for her. No wonder the woman doesn't feel loved.

Your wife may be the Queen of Passive Aggressive Land, but you are at least a Prince there yourself.

 

[Glenn]

From a guys point of view: Yea he did mess up buying roses not something else but traditionally we are sort of pushed that way. A mixed bouquet even with a couple of roses probably would have been better. That said her reation, especially saying how he was a bad roll model to his sons, is way over the top. Thirty minutes of yelling over roses instead of different ones isnt called for & shouldnt be put up with. You need joint counseling if not for yourselves but for your DS. Some women love to demean men for the smallest reason and this looks like someone that does. Everyone messes up on little things in relations but you dont try to destroy them over the smallest things. Good luck & get couseling. Just dont say im sorry & keep putting up with this.

 

[chobie]

From a guys point of view: Yea he did mess up buying roses not something else but traditionally we are sort of pushed that way. A mixed bouquet even with a couple of roses probably would have been better. That said her reation, especially saying how he was a bad roll model to his sons, is way over the top. Thirty minutes of yelling over roses instead of different ones isnt called for & shouldnt be put up with. You need joint counseling if not for yourselves but for your DS. Some women love to demean men for the smallest reason and this looks like someone that does. Everyone messes up on little things in relations but you dont try to destroy them over the smallest things. Good luck & get couseling. Just dont say im sorry & keep putting up with this.

He made a deliberate decision to buy something he knew she did not like. He was not pushed into it. There is no excuse for that.

 

[Ride Junkie]

From a guys point of view: Yea he did mess up buying roses not something else but traditionally we are sort of pushed that way. A mixed bouquet even with a couple of roses probably would have been better. That said her reation, especially saying how he was a bad roll model to his sons, is way over the top. Thirty minutes of yelling over roses instead of different ones isnt called for & shouldnt be put up with. You need joint counseling if not for yourselves but for your DS. Some women love to demean men for the smallest reason and this looks like someone that does. Everyone messes up on little things in relations but you dont try to destroy them over the smallest things. Good luck & get couseling. Just dont say im sorry & keep putting up with this.

That is what makes me sad. Some men try so hard, and still get no respect.

 

[N.Bailey]

He made a deliberate decision to buy something he knew she did not like. He was not pushed into it. There is no excuse for that.

While this is true, sometimes one needs to look at the motivation. I doubt you'll find anyone here who would say that the OP bought the flowers to tick his wife off. I'm 100% certain that was not the motivation here. Had it been, he'd have simply gotten her nothing.

Still, he did buy something he should have known she wouldn't like, but come on, that doesn't entitle her to the reaction she had. Yes, I'll be the first to say her feelings were probably hurt and I'll be the first to say she has every right to feel that way.

In the end, none of this should excuse her behavior, though. While I "get" how she might feel, her behavior isn't acceptable by most people's standards.

 

[chobie]

While this is true, sometimes one needs to look at the motivation. I doubt you'll find anyone here who would say that the OP bought the flowers to tick his wife off. I'm 100% certain that was not the motivation here. Had it been, he'd have simply gotten her nothing.

Still, he did buy something he should have known she wouldn't like, but come on, that doesn't entitle her to the reaction she had. Yes, I'll be the first to say her feelings were probably hurt and I'll be the first to say she has every right to feel that way.

In the end, none of this should excuse her behavior, though. While I "get" how she might feel, her behavior isn't acceptable by most people's standards.

If he didn't do it deliberately he was being passive aggressive. But based on just his side of the story, she did over react. Two wrongs don't make a right.

However, I'm not buying the "poor man -he tried," because he didn't try.

 

[mickeyfan2]

I am surprised so many other women are tulip/daisy girls like me! Tulips are my favorite, but as they are so expensive, daisies work in a pinch.

Roses and carnations don't do anything for me.

Personally I am not much of a flower person at all. Many bother my Asthma.


BUT


Any flower that DH buys me is the nicest flower in all the world. I am so happy to get them from him and he tried. He will always so "Don't they smell great!!!" I pretend to smell them and tell him "Yes they do." Then I give him a hug and a kiss and thank him for the thoughtful gift.


It is great to be a giver, but I think being a gracious receiver is an even greater position to be in.

 

[N.Bailey]

If he didn't do it deliberately he was being passive aggressive. But based on just his side of the story, she did over react. Two wrongs don't make a right.

However, I'm not buying the "poor man -he tried," because he didn't try.

Well, they are husband and wife, so one would hope that there is some actual love in the relationship.

Maybe he should have put more thought into his gift, but I believe he did buy the flowers with honorable intentions. And while he came here looking for advice, I don't think one who honestly had such intentions deserves to have a new butt hole ripped. The offering of suggestions on ways to rectify the situation are helpful though, IMO. I also believe that's why he came to the board. To get some insights on things he didn't perhaps consider. Ways he could show his wife what she truly means to him.

 

[chobie]

Well, they are husband and wife, so one would hope that there is some actual love in the relationship.

Maybe he should have put more thought into his gift, but I believe he did buy the flowers with honorable intentions. And while he came here looking for advice, I don't think one who honestly had such intentions deserves to have a new butt hole ripped. The offering of suggestions on ways to rectify the situation are helpful though, IMO. I also believe that's why he came to the board. To get some insights on things he didn't perhaps consider. Ways he could show his wife what she truly means to him.

Or he just came to complain about his wife and get sympathy.
And his wife is getting a new one ripped. Has he tried to defend her when people have said she's a horrible wife?

 

[N.Bailey]

Or he just came to complain about his wife and get sympathy.
And his wife is getting a new one ripped. Has he tried to defend her when people have said she's a horrible wife?

I guess if you choose to believe the worst about people this might be how one looks at such a situation.

 

[chobie]

I guess if you choose to believe the worst about people this might be how one looks at such a situation.

Well many people here are choosing to beleive the worst about his wife and she is not here to tell her side.


Does that bother you too?

 

[disykat]

Personally I am not much of a flower person at all. Many bother my Asthma.


BUT


Any flower that DH buys me is the nicest flower in all the world. I am so happy to get them from him and he tried. He will always so "Don't they smell great!!!" I pretend to smell them and tell him "Yes they do." Then I give him a hug and a kiss and thank him for the thoughtful gift.


It is great to be a giver, but I think being a gracious receiver is an even greater position to be in.

Seriously? I can see if you are in a new relationship you would pretend to like things you don't, but with your spouse? Do you want him to do that to you - let you believe that he likes something he doesn't just to not hurt your feelings? Wouldn't it be easier to say "Honey I appreciated the flowers, but they bother my asthma." However, I guess you'd have to assume he would actually listen when you said you didn't want them.

 

[mickeyfan2]

Seriously? I can see if you are in a new relationship you would pretend to like things you don't, but with your spouse? Do you want him to do that to you - let you believe that he likes something he doesn't just to not hurt your feelings? Wouldn't it be easier to say "Honey I appreciated the flowers, but they bother my asthma." However, I guess you'd have to assume he would actually listen when you said you didn't want them.

Yes Seriously. We will talk about it at a later time but not when the gift is given. I and DH always accept the gift with the intention of the person. And I never smell any flower, since I will sneeze. I can have them in the room just not actually smell them up close. Right now my bouquet of 25 roses is 20 feet away from me. I cannot smell them and he is so proud of them. Why ruin that for him?

After 25 years I know exactly what he does and does not like. He is a great gift giver. He tried to get me an Eli Manning replica Jersey, but they are all sold out. So he bought the roses.