I wrecked Valentines Day before breakfast

[N.Bailey]

Well many people here are choosing to beleive the worst about his wife and she is not here to tell her side.


Does that bother you too?

I don't think the worst about anyone, immediately. We got one side of a story and while I realize there are always 3 sides to every story (his, hers, and the truth which is normally somewhere in the middle), she'll not read a word of advice anyone might give in this thread. So, until she decides to post on the board (in this thread or any other), I'll reserve my comments till she's here.

 

[N.Bailey]

Yes Seriously. We will talk about it at a later time but not when the gift is given. I and DH always accept the gift with the intention of the person. And I never smell any flower, since I will sneeze. I can have them in the room just not actually smell them up close. Right now my bouquet of 25 roses is 20 feet away from me. I cannot smell them and he is so proud of them. Why ruin that for him?

After 25 years I know exactly what he does and does not like. He is a great gift giver. He tried to get me an Eli Manning replica Jersey, but they are all sold out. So he bought the roses.

I'm really amazed that if you've been married for 25 years that your husband doesn't know you can't smell flowers without sneezing.

I do agree that it's best to talk about it after the fact rather than hurt someone's feeling when the gift is given though.

 

[jemiaule]

My 2 cents - take it for what you will.

I would rather be married to a guy that may not always get me what I would like than to be married to a guy who didn't care enough to at least make an effort. From what I can tell you made an effort and put some thought into - not particularly a good idea to get a flower you knew was not her favorite but hey, you made the effort and that should be appreciated.

Unless you are not telling us the full story and you purposely got something you knew would piss her off it sounds like your wife has some serious issues and this unreasonable reaction is how this is manifesting. If her attitude is commonly like this about trivial things then you should think about having her see someone.

My husband is the king of crappy presents. He buys me the weirdest items for every holiday. He likes to find things he thinks are neat, different and something I will like. Know what I got for Valentines Day? A Plasma Mug with Electronic Coaster. Yes, like you I thought to myself ***? Here, wanna see what it looks like:

http://www.thinkgeek.com/homeoffice/mugs/60c3/

But you know what...no matter the holiday my husband always remembers to get me something and puts some thought and effort into it. It might be a crappy gift. It will certainly be a weird gift. But I appreciate that he wants to do something for me and always love the gift because he took the time to get me something.

 

[PaulaSB12]

Your wife definitely overreacted and certainly should have handled it better. The part about not being able to enjoy Valentines day with the kids was really over the top. It's obvious that the two of you have some major issues which have little to do with flowers.

But at the same time you didn't buy the flowers blindly - not realizing she didn't like them. You stood in the store and thought well she doesn't like red roses she does like yellow tulips. I think I'll buy her the red roses. It was a very deliberate act on your part to go with something you knew she didn't like.

I know that guys can sometimes be clueless when it comes to picking presents. But you weren't the least bit clueless were you? You knew exactly what she liked and made a deliberate choice not to get it for her. No wonder the woman doesn't feel loved.

Your wife may be the Queen of Passive Aggressive Land, but you are at least a Prince there yourself.

He got roses because he thought that was the flower for valentines, a gift certificate for a pedicure and the dvd she wanted. The spoilt brat, took it out on the children that he didn't get the right flowers. What is it with all this "passive aggressive" nonsense she rang him on the phone and told him that she was taking it out on the children a grown woman would not do that, a spoilt brat who expects to be treated like a princess would.

 

[mickeyfan2]

I'm really amazed that if you've been married for 25 years that your husband doesn't know you can't smell flowers without sneezing.

I do agree that it's best to talk about it after the fact rather than hurt someone's feeling when the gift is given though.

Honestly Roses are one of the better ones for me. Now he loves hyacinths and those really get to me. They are only grown outside.

He knows to never buy me flowery smelling candles or perfume. Those really get to me. I truly hate the smell of flowers, but I do like how some of them look. Just keep the smelly ones away.

 

[jemiaule]

Sorry, I'm with your wife. I think she made too much of it but you KNEW all the things you were doing were things she did not want and you did it anyway. When you are romancing a woman, you pay attention to the details or you fail. Some women are so greatful for any attention they will overlook this lack of attention to detail. Others are not so desperate.

Wow, I did not know that someone would think me being appreciative of a gift that I may not particularly like would deem me to be desperate.

But then maybe I am alone in my opinion that to be demanding certain detail in a gift is shallow.

 

[disykat]

Yes Seriously. We will talk about it at a later time but not when the gift is given. I and DH always accept the gift with the intention of the person. And I never smell any flower, since I will sneeze. I can have them in the room just not actually smell them up close. Right now my bouquet of 25 roses is 20 feet away from me. I cannot smell them and he is so proud of them. Why ruin that for him?

After 25 years I know exactly what he does and does not like. He is a great gift giver. He tried to get me an Eli Manning replica Jersey, but they are all sold out. So he bought the roses.

Not to pick on you personally, but I'm curious because we obviously have different opinions.

I totally get (and agree with) thanking them and then talking about it later, but if after 25 years you know exactly what he does and does not like - why wouldn't you want him to have that same ability? It seems like you'd have to tell him.

I'd feel really bad if, after years of thinking I was giving my spouse the perfect thing over and over, I found out they hadn't told me they didn't like it for fear of hurting my feelings.

I'm glad you can handle having flowers, I have to keep them outside on the patio and look at them through the window.

I also agree on accepting the gift based on intention. I think THAT was exactly what the OP's wife seemed to have issues with. Since he knew she didn't like getting flowers and even more specifically didn't like red flowers or roses, she felt like he specifically did not intend the gift to be something she would enjoy. It wasn't about the gift, it was about hurt feelings.

 

[shortbun]

Wow, I did not know that someone would think me being appreciative of a gift that I may not particularly like would deem me to be desperate.

But then maybe I am alone in my opinion that to be demanding certain detail in a gift is shallow.

I wasn't talking specifically about you but if you think the shoe fits....

I don't just go out and buy gratuitous gifts. Neither does my husband. Practicality drives my opinions. Why would a man deliberately buy his wife red roses when he knew she didn't like them. Because the florists dictate red? I'd rather my husband listen to me than the florist. Makes me feel valued and honored.

 

[Micca]

OP has been quiet for a while. Is that a good thing, or is his DW torturing him by inserting rose stems under his fingernails?

 

[mickeyfan2]

Not to pick on you personally, but I'm curious because we obviously have different opinions.

I totally get (and agree with) thanking them and then talking about it later, but if after 25 years you know exactly what he does and does not like - why wouldn't you want him to have that same ability? It seems like you'd have to tell him.

I'd feel really bad if, after years of thinking I was giving my spouse the perfect thing over and over, I found out they hadn't told me they didn't like it for fear of hurting my feelings.

Men are less observant than women. Honestly this is not a battle that I see any reason to pick with him. The Eli Manning jersey was his idea and I really wanted that. He felt bad that he promised one and could not get it. I told him I was OK with not getting it. Would I have loved it, sure. He felt bad that he could not get it so he got the roses. I also got a stuffed Horton and his book, Reese's peanut butter cup hearts and a meal at Qdoba.

Really this is not a big problem for me. Three Valentine's ago I got an IPOD. I did not ask for it but I found out I loved it. Sometimes not getting the perfect gift at that moment can become the perfect gift.

Last Christmas DH got me a DS lite. I love it.

DH is a great gift giver. I have been known to leave hints, but if he does not get me that gift I am 100% fine with that.

Did it ever occur that the reason we are getting ready to celebrate our 25th anniversary is because we both put the other's feelings first and enjoy the excitement of how that makes them feel?

ETA: DH is also know to bring up discussion to see what I think of something. Sometimes I don't react and he will then nix the idea. Other times he see an interest and runs with it.

My paternal Grandmother was like a mother to me. When she was sick I would always send her roses. She loved roses. I think DH got the idea then that roses were real special to me. They were special for me to give to my PGM.

 

[jemiaule]

I wasn't talking specifically about you but if you think the shoe fits....

I don't just go out and buy gratuitous gifts. Neither does my husband. Practicality drives my opinions. Why would a man deliberately buy his wife red roses when he knew she didn't like them. Because the florists dictate red? I'd rather my husband listen to me than the florist. Makes me feel valued and honored.

That was a generic statement I made using the term "me".

Thanks for the veiled insult though! I bet you are smiling to yourself over your response and I truly hope it feels good.

Cheers!

 

[KikiFan]

He got roses because he thought that was the flower for valentines, a gift certificate for a pedicure and the dvd she wanted. The spoilt brat, took it out on the children that he didn't get the right flowers. What is it with all this "passive aggressive" nonsense she rang him on the phone and told him that she was taking it out on the children a grown woman would not do that, a spoilt brat who expects to be treated like a princess would.

I completely agree that she was a spoilled brat and handled it the worst way possible. But I don't buy that whole "Roses for Valentines" business. No matter what the retail Gods say, why would you buy someone something that you already know they hate?? It's not like he didn't know it and made an honest mistake, he admitted that he knew she liked yellow tulips better. That's the part that gets me.

I've gotten some pretty weird gifts and I graciously thanked them for it. There is a tacky sage green reversible poncho hanging in my closet right now that my sister gave me for Xmas I know without a doubt my sister thought she was getting me something I would like. And because I adore sister, I'll even wear it over to her house once. Because I know she really tried. OP's wife can't say that. That makes me a tiny bit sorry for her.

 

[jemiaule]

Now the scale -- I've inherited the task of walking our son's beagle for at least 1 mile every day. I'm slowly losing weight - 6.5 pounds since December. We didn't have a scale in the house-- so I would lug out the heavy business UPS shipping scale and have smashed my fingers a couple of times. He very thoughtfully bought me my very own scale -- and a box of candy!

Hey, congrats on the 6.5 lbs!!

Hrm, and maybe a congrats on those handcuffs too

 

[Buckalew11]

When has your husband been told that you like pink, if all you ever do is thank him for the yellow roses?

I've told him many times throughout the last 20 years. But I still thank him because it is the thought that counts. Plus, the first time he ever sent roses he sent me yellow so I think he thinks he is being sentimental. It is the difference between the color yellow and the color pink. In the scheme of things I see it as nothing.

I agree. My bolding is the key. I think a lot of people have problems understanding the wife's reaction (even if it was an over reaction) because it isn't their 'love language.'

It may sound stupid but I pride myself on listening to people and remembering their likes/dislikes. Knowing those things and remembering them is important to me. It also makes me feel loved when someone remembers some little detail about me. I don't like coffee at all, so if my DH gave me a Starbucks gift card I would be hurt. Now I would likely say thank you and buy some tea or muffins or something but I would feel like he had no clue about me and he just bought the 1st thing he saw on the way home. Now if he did that year after year even after I mentioned that I don't like Starbucks you can bet that after many years the hurt would build up and I'd get angry and possibly over-react like the OP's wife did.

Now I know my DH doesn't really pay attention to details like I do but I feel like he should at least know me. Sure he may not remember that his friend's wife gets motion sickness and won't ride roller coasters like I do but I really do think he should remember details about me.

I do get hurt when he doesn't because it makes me feel unloved and unimportant to him.

I suspect that the OP has had issues in the past with her DH unintentionally making her feel unloved or unimportant and she just blew her top over this.

I feel like maybe he is refusing to speak her love language even though she has told him what it is.

Never getting her another gift or only giving her red roses for every occasion is nothing less than childish passive-aggression and will only further deteriorate their relationship.

I think love languages go both ways and I think sometimes you have to look a thoughtful gift as "his language". If DH does something like fill my car up with gas, wash the car, or put in a load of wash, it is his way of saying I love you. I may want something else but that is his language. JMHO.

 

[mickeyfan2]

Maybe this story will help others understand why I do as I do.

We were at WDW for our 23rd anniversary. It was the first time we were at WDW for any anniversary. We stayed at the BC. They have a phone in the bathroom. DH called the WDW florist to deliver flowers to me. They asked my favorite color - blue. He also stated I hate the color pink (see he does know me). He also asked for the card to say something like Happy 23rd anniversary from your Disney pals or Mickey and Stitch. They said that would be a copywrite violation. So he then asked for a Stitch ballon. I got this story from him later.

The arrangement was delivered while we were at the park. When we walked in DH was horrified. There on the dresser was a pink arrangement with a gold balloon with kids dressed as adults. I had to calm him down and explain that it was a beautiful arrangement (and the smell was not strong) and it was. He called after I calmed him down and was so made at the color and balloon. They explained that a blue arrangement was not possible. They did send over a Lilo and Stitch balloon the next day. He also got me a Mickey head cake from the BW bakery.

I have photos of the arrangement that are in my scrapbook. I love that arrangement, not because it was pink but because of the thought he put behind it.

 

[deekaypee]

Just a general speculation, more on our collective reactions than on the OP's situation as I'm fairly sure he's home by this time.

I'd wager that those of us who believe we'd react to the gift (or have reacted to a similar type of gift) with a thank you, a smile, a shrug, or some other version of appreciation/non-issue all feel pretty happy/satisfied in our relationships (past or present, in whatever manifestation, romantic or otherwise). We believe we have good relationships and so the gift-giving doesn't represent the entirety of our relationship. And those of us who sympathize with the wife's reaction or call the OP's behavior into question, especially those posters saying they identify with the couple....well, those of us in these relationships seem to see the gift-giving as part of a larger, more negative pattern of behavior. In short, for the former group the less-than-ideal gift is just a gift. For the latter group, the less-than-ideal gift represents the state of the relationship.

Of course, I'm sure my impressions wouldn't hold for every single post, that there would be exceptions. But it seems fairly obvious to me that our own relationships are coloring the reactions & advice we give the OP. Something to keep in mind.

 

[mickeyfan2]

Just a general speculation, more on our collective reactions than on the OP's situation as I'm fairly sure he's home by this time.

I'd wager that those of us who believe we'd react to the gift (or have reacted to a similar type of gift) with a thank you, a smile, a shrug, or some other version of appreciation/non-issue all feel pretty happy/satisfied in our relationships (past or present, in whatever manifestation, romantic or otherwise). We believe we have good relationships and so the gift-giving doesn't represent the entirety of our relationship. And those of us who sympathize with the wife's reaction or call the OP's behavior into question, especially those posters saying they identify with the couple....well, those of us in these relationships seem to see the gift-giving as part of a larger, more negative pattern of behavior. In short, for the former group the less-than-ideal gift is just a gift. For the latter group, the less-than-ideal gift represents the state of the relationship.

Of course, I'm sure my impressions wouldn't hold for every single post, that there would be exceptions. But it seems fairly obvious to me that our own relationships are coloring the reactions & advice we give the OP. Something to keep in mind.

Great post.

I know I see myself in the group I highlighted.

 

[chobie]

Maybe this story will help others understand why I do as I do.

We were at WDW for our 23rd anniversary. It was the first time we were at WDW for any anniversary. We stayed at the BC. They have a phone in the bathroom. DH called the WDW florist to deliver flowers to me. They asked my favorite color - blue. He also stated I hate the color pink (see he does know me). He also asked for the card to say something like Happy 23rd anniversary from your Disney pals or Mickey and Stitch. They said that would be a copywrite violation. So he then asked for a Stitch ballon. I got this story from him later.

The arrangement was delivered while we were at the park. When we walked in DH was horrified. There on the dresser was a pink arrangement with a gold balloon with kids dressed as adults. I had to calm him down and explain that it was a beautiful arrangement (and the smell was not strong) and it was. He called after I calmed him down and was so made at the color and balloon. They explained that a blue arrangement was not possible. They did send over a Lilo and Stitch balloon the next day. He also got me a Mickey head cake from the BW bakery.

I have photos of the arrangement that are in my scrapbook. I love that arrangement, not because it was pink but because of the thought he put behind it.

What you husband did is extremely thoughtful and considerate. But, that is no where near the situation described by the OP.

 

[Tink&SquirtsMom]

I think love languages go both ways and I think sometimes you have to look a thoughtful gift as "his language". If DH does something like fill my car up with gas, wash the car, or put in a load of wash, it is his way of saying I love you. I may want something else but that is his language. JMHO.

I definitely think this is true, and if you get into the book or learning about the "languages" it goes through that. It really does help the spouse when they know their partners love language to not only know how to fullfill their partners need, but also to recgonize when their partner is at least making the attempt. There is a lot more "grace" on the part of the other spouse when they can understand the other spouse is trying in their own way. I think if OP's wife knew his love languages there might have been some more understanding on her part of what he was feeling and that he was trying and her feelings wouldn't have been so hurt.

 

[atpatt]

Just a general speculation, more on our collective reactions than on the OP's situation as I'm fairly sure he's home by this time.

I'd wager that those of us who believe we'd react to the gift (or have reacted to a similar type of gift) with a thank you, a smile, a shrug, or some other version of appreciation/non-issue all feel pretty happy/satisfied in our relationships (past or present, in whatever manifestation, romantic or otherwise). We believe we have good relationships and so the gift-giving doesn't represent the entirety of our relationship. And those of us who sympathize with the wife's reaction or call the OP's behavior into question, especially those posters saying they identify with the couple....well, those of us in these relationships seem to see the gift-giving as part of a larger, more negative pattern of behavior. In short, for the former group the less-than-ideal gift is just a gift. For the latter group, the less-than-ideal gift represents the state of the relationship.

Of course, I'm sure my impressions wouldn't hold for every single post, that there would be exceptions. But it seems fairly obvious to me that our own relationships are coloring the reactions & advice we give the OP. Something to keep in mind.

**ding ding ding** I think we have a winner.

There is alot more going on here than we know about, the OP just tells us what happened today, we know nothing about their history or how in the world she got to the point of having such a reaction. When we fight over something so silly, we are usually fighting over something much deeper and possibly even unrelated to the issue at hand.