I wrecked Valentines Day before breakfast

[disykat]

I think a lot of people are missing a key point here. The OP admitted first thing that "his wife is not a big fan of flowers" and people are acting like he accidently bumbled into a poor gift choice. He chose to get her something he knew she wasn't a fan of, because in his mind Valentine's Day trumped getting her something she'd actually like. While that's certainly not a crime, it's not really a gift for her. He was celebrating a holiday, she wanted something that took HER into account.

While the wife apparently went overboard, the argument is not about roses. The wife feels hurt that her dh doesn't know, or remember, or listen to, or care about the fact the she doesn't like getting flowers - something he admits he knew.

OP - if you're still out there listening. My advice - don't get your wife flowers anymore! She doesn't want flowers and it's not about color. It sounds like you have some lovely gifts that you selected for HER, just forget about the stereotypes and get what you think SHE'LL enjoy.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I haven't read any of the responses yet, but...

Honestly I know where your wife is coming from. At first my dh got me very thoughtful gifts that were things I truly wanted and enjoyed. Lately that has stopped. For Christmas, we just give eachother stockings. I searched many, many stores to find things that I know dh would like (I got him a set of finger drums because he used to play the drums, a winter hat that he saw on tv and he thought was cool, a Halo 3 t-shirt, etc). He went to Walmart and in one fell swoop, bought me all my stocking items, including a bottle of ibuprofen and a bottle of tylenol.

We, too, need to connect more as a couple. We haven't been out on a date in...wow, probably two or three years.

I'm really not sure why you got her the roses when you know she doesn't like them. Was it easier than tulips? It sounds like something my husband would do, too. I would not have reacted as your wife did. I smile and am appreciative, but it hurts inside.

I wouldn't mention the flowers again, but I would remind your wife from now on why you love her as a person, why you find her desirable, and why you're so glad to be married to her.

And after she's over this hurt, make time to go out and be a couple.

 

[Disney Doll]

It takes two to tango the dysfunctional dance, after all.

Oh Tag Fairy!!!! Yoo Hoo!!!!! Tag Fairy!!!!!!

 

[N.Bailey]

Maybe not to the tee, but I think my husband could have written the OP.

I didn't read the entire thread, but let me give a bit of the flip side of the coin (though I do think your wife overreacted a tad).

Let me start off by saying that I don't hate flowers. I enjoy going outside and seeing them grow in yards, etc... but I HATE receiving them as a gift and always have. Unless of course, you're talking the artificial variety that I can always use to decorate. Keep in mind, I LOVE candles and have 100s of them in our house at all times. As long as he got me a quality candle (I don't like cheap candles), he couldn't have EVER gone wrong.

Early into our relationship, my husband was made well aware of how I feel about flowers. I know many would call me an ingrate, but imagine if for years you've told your spouse that you dislike something and that didn't matter, some 10, 15, 20, years later, he was still buying it for you. Imagine it's a food that he knows you hate, even. Regardless of what you're speaking of, I think after awhile, it would become hurtful if he didn't listen to what you were saying.

After some 15 years of marriage, I'd had enough!!! At that point, I stopped caring if I hurt his feelings or not. For the first 15, it didn't seem to matter to him that he was hurting me, did he? I got to a point where the wife in the OP was. I certainly was at a point where I didn't mince words, and I just put it all out there. I told him how I didn't feel he heard me, though maybe he listened, but listening and hearing aren't always the same. I told him how hurtful it was, etc.. I don't think (maybe I'm not the best judge LOL) I was downright cruel, but I intended to get my point across.

After all those years, he FINALLY heard what I was saying. My gift that year for Mother's day? He went to Red Lobster and brought me home 2 lobster and crab stuffed mushroom appetizers (my favorite food in the entire world). We couldn't go out to eat that day for whatever the reason, which I can't even remember right now.

Not only did it cost less, I think it was truly the best gift he's ever given me (and they've gotten better thru the years and include candles). At least I knew he put some real thought into it.

IMO, sometimes, you just have to say your piece, EVEN if everyone thinks you're an ungrateful B......

My only advice would be to try and hear what your spouse is saying. Listening isn't always enough.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I'm pretty surprised at those who support the wife's reaction. We ALL have received at least one pretty crappy gift at one time in our lives. I know I did. Just last year, I went all out for Joe's birthday and my own birthday was less than a week after his. He gave me food saver still in the Target bag the day before my birthday because I was in the middle of putting away left overs.

Was I annoyed? Yup, you bet. Did I explode and behave in a "ME ME ME" attitude with "you don't understand me, you don't love me" thrown in for fun? God no. I didn't get pissy. I didn't show my irritation at that moment. I didn't do anything but say "thank you" and suck up any irritation I might have felt. As far as I'm concerned, anyone that doesn't act in any way but appreciative doesn't deserve a gift EVER until they extend a HUGE apology for acting like a spoiled Veruka Salt three year old.

What in God's name ever happened to "thank you"? Suck it up folks. You got a gift you didn't want because the giver felt, for whatever reason, to give it you. Whether he or she has been your wife, husband or partner for a day, a year or fifty years doesn't give you the right to be self centered, spoiled and selfish.

In the case of the OP, I do absolutely think there are other issues involved. His wife either needs some serious therapy so she can get over her inability to communicate like a mature adult, or both seek couples counseling so they can get to the bottom of what underlying issues there might be.

Yeah. I gotta agree. She's worried about teaching the kids life lessons. Graciousness is right up there.

 

[CEDmom]

I'm pretty surprised at those who support the wife's reaction. We ALL have received at least one pretty crappy gift at one time in our lives. I know I did. Just last year, I went all out for Joe's birthday and my own birthday was less than a week after his. He gave me food saver still in the Target bag the day before my birthday because I was in the middle of putting away left overs.

Was I annoyed? Yup, you bet. Did I explode and behave in a "ME ME ME" attitude with "you don't understand me, you don't love me" thrown in for fun? God no. I didn't get pissy. I didn't show my irritation at that moment. I didn't do anything but say "thank you" and suck up any irritation I might have felt. As far as I'm concerned, anyone that doesn't act in any way but appreciative doesn't deserve a gift EVER until they extend a HUGE apology for acting like a spoiled Veruka Salt three year old.

What in God's name ever happened to "thank you"? Suck it up folks. You got a gift you didn't want because the giver felt, for whatever reason, to give it you. Whether he or she has been your wife, husband or partner for a day, a year or fifty years doesn't give you the right to be self centered, spoiled and selfish.

In the case of the OP, I do absolutely think there are other issues involved. His wife either needs some serious therapy so she can get over her inability to communicate like a mature adult, or both seek couples counseling so they can get to the bottom of what underlying issues there might be.

I agree with you which is why I said I didn't agree with his wife's delivery but did agree that she had a right to be upset. I think what bothers me is that he got something he knew she didn't like. It wasn't like he walked into a store and picked some random thing because he had no idea what to buy. They both have issues and we're only getting his side of the story.

On a side note, now that you have the crockpot going you can put the food saver to good use. You'll have dinners for the rest of the year taken care of before you know it .

 

[polkadotminnie]

Every year my DH buys me flowers and I have told him that it is not that I don't like them, but I would like to spend the money on something that lasts longer. This year, I pulled up a cute pair of shoes on the internet that I want for spring. I asked for DH to pay for them for my Valentine's. He paid and they came today. I am very happy since I picked them out. It was also less trouble for DH.

 

[Tink&SquirtsMom]

Saying "thank you" and expressing happiness for flowers isn't perfection, it is common sense and courtesy!

If I am "ignorant" because of this, well so be it!

My statement had nothing to do with saying thank you (thats what I would have done too). It had to do with your comment about most wives not appreciating their husbands. It IS ignorant to say that when you haven't lived in the situation day in and day out for YEARS. You see a glimpse of a particular situation and make a snap shot assumption that the wife doesn't appreciate her dh. I see that attitude a lot from single women... until they get married.

well I'm pretty married. I would without a doubt saying thank you and not be ugly about it. I have gotten some not so great presents from my husband. I certainly didn't think he was being passive agressive or trying to make a point. I thought he really meant well and was trying to give me a present he thought I'd enjoy.

Same point as above. My comment had nothing to do with saying thank you. Also if your marriage is in a good spot, of course no one would think that it was intentional. OP said his marriage was not in a good spot so it's very possible it could appear intentional to HIS wife. Again, did wife over react, HELL YES. Is there more to the story, well yes OP says there is.

 

[epcotfan]

Your wife seriously needs to get over herself. I don't know you, but your actions sound very sweet and thoughtful to me.

 

[N.Bailey]

I'm pretty surprised at those who support the wife's reaction. We ALL have received at least one pretty crappy gift at one time in our lives. I know I did. Just last year, I went all out for Joe's birthday and my own birthday was less than a week after his. He gave me food saver still in the Target bag the day before my birthday because I was in the middle of putting away left overs.

Was I annoyed? Yup, you bet. Did I explode and behave in a "ME ME ME" attitude with "you don't understand me, you don't love me" thrown in for fun? God no. I didn't get pissy. I didn't show my irritation at that moment. I didn't do anything but say "thank you" and suck up any irritation I might have felt. As far as I'm concerned, anyone that doesn't act in any way but appreciative doesn't deserve a gift EVER until they extend a HUGE apology for acting like a spoiled Veruka Salt three year old.

What in God's name ever happened to "thank you"? Suck it up folks. You got a gift you didn't want because the giver felt, for whatever reason, to give it you. Whether he or she has been your wife, husband or partner for a day, a year or fifty years doesn't give you the right to be self centered, spoiled and selfish.

In the case of the OP, I do absolutely think there are other issues involved. His wife either needs some serious therapy so she can get over her inability to communicate like a mature adult, or both seek couples counseling so they can get to the bottom of what underlying issues there might be.

I see your point, but let's say that you had told Joe for 5 years or more that you hate food savers and he still bought you one every single year regardless of how you felt about them?

I don't think we need to be downright cruel to our partners, but do you think that maybe your feelings might be hurt a bit?

 

[RadioNate]

I think a lot of people are missing a key point here. The OP admitted first thing that "his wife is not a big fan of flowers" and people are acting like he accidently bumbled into a poor gift choice. He chose to get her something he knew she wasn't a fan of, because in his mind Valentine's Day trumped getting her something she'd actually like. While that's certainly not a crime, it's not really a gift for her. He was celebrating a holiday, she wanted something that took HER into account.

While the wife apparently went overboard, the argument is not about roses. The wife feels hurt that her dh doesn't know, or remember, or listen to, or care about the fact the she doesn't like getting flowers.

I agree. My bolding is the key. I think a lot of people have problems understanding the wife's reaction (even if it was an over reaction) because it isn't their 'love language.'

It may sound stupid but I pride myself on listening to people and remembering their likes/dislikes. Knowing those things and remembering them is important to me. It also makes me feel loved when someone remembers some little detail about me. I don't like coffee at all, so if my DH gave me a Starbucks gift card I would be hurt. Now I would likely say thank you and buy some tea or muffins or something but I would feel like he had no clue about me and he just bought the 1st thing he saw on the way home. Now if he did that year after year even after I mentioned that I don't like Starbucks you can bet that after many years the hurt would build up and I'd get angry and possibly over-react like the OP's wife did.

Now I know my DH doesn't really pay attention to details like I do but I feel like he should at least know me. Sure he may not remember that his friend's wife gets motion sickness and won't ride roller coasters like I do but I really do think he should remember details about me.

I do get hurt when he doesn't because it makes me feel unloved and unimportant to him.

I suspect that the OP has had issues in the past with her DH unintentionally making her feel unloved or unimportant and she just blew her top over this.

I feel like maybe he is refusing to speak her love language even though she has told him what it is.

Never getting her another gift or only giving her red roses for every occasion is nothing less than childish passive-aggression and will only further deteriorate their relationship.

 

[RadioNate]

Your wife seriously needs to get over herself. I don't know you, but your actions sound very sweet and thoughtful to me.

how is it sweet and thoughtful to buy your wife a gift she specifically told you 1) she doesn't like and 2) she doesn't want?

If it is the thought that counts what is that thought saying? To me that says 'I don't know or care what you like' and 'your thoughts and opinions aren't important to me because I'm going to do what I want regardless of your feelings.'

A few instances of bad gift giving are one thing but I really suspect that their is more to the story here and like me and others have been saying, the gift alone isn't the issue at all.

 

[Andy B]

I don't think the OP can win, firstly some say talk to your wife and then when he explains that he does when she blows like this he get critisized for trying to 'justify' an apology.

Also I am appalled at the number of women who say I tell him what to get me and he didn't, I think this is just wrong unless he asks you what you want, then you should tell him, perhaps otherwise he does not want to be told what to do.

There are traditions with certain holidays and the op has submitted to the constant selling he has been subjected to in this instance, I do not think he should be picked on for this, what have the women posting on this thread done for their men today?

 

[Andy B]

I feel like maybe he is refusing to speak her love language even though she has told him what it is.

This sounds complete balderdash!

She complains he does not put blinds up and down when she is out if he is in the garden. It seems that he has to comply to every little aspect of her demands, what I leant was that a marriage was a partnership and a compromise, I see little example of that here.

 

[Pam]

Out of all of those, the handcuffs are the most interesting!

Okay - I guess I have some explaining to do, huh??!!

It was a pair of those red, plastic handcuffs sold as Love cuffs. He also bought me the love dice! He's a knucklehead -- but I him dearly!

The joke's on him -- we are now empty nesters (since late August) because both of our kids are now in college. But- my DD called and said she's driving home tonight to spend a long weekend with us!

The DVDs are a couple of Heath Ledger movies I asked for: The Four Feathers and Cassanova and the CD is also another request of mine: the soundtrack of Fiddler on the Roof.

Now the scale -- I've inherited the task of walking our son's beagle for at least 1 mile every day. I'm slowly losing weight - 6.5 pounds since December. We didn't have a scale in the house-- so I would lug out the heavy business UPS shipping scale and have smashed my fingers a couple of times. He very thoughtfully bought me my very own scale -- and a box of candy!

 

[Ride Junkie]

What I find sadder than the 'wrong flower' incident is the fact that the OP's wife would treat a stranger on the street better than she treats him. That is so disrespectful, but unfortunately there are a lot of women who are like that (including just about every woman on "Bridezillas"). I can't imagine treating my DH that way.

 

[RickinNYC]

I see your point, but let's say that you had told Joe for 5 years or more that you hate food savers and he still bought you one every single year regardless of how you felt about them?

I don't think we need to be downright cruel to our partners, but do you think that maybe your feelings might be hurt a bit?

Very true. But I would deal with it in an adult manner, I definitely wouldnt' throw a tantrum, or be passive aggressive, nor would I call and rant for a half hour on the phone while he was on his way to work. I would state my case firmly, as an adult, after all was said and done.

Plus, have you seen how expensive Food Savers are? Those suckers are expensive.

 

[RickinNYC]

This sounds complete balderdash!

Just an observation but I just decided to use the word "balderdash" from now on.

 

[Andy B]

Just an observation but I just decided to use the word "balderdash" from now on.

I was going to use a word which is rude in the UK but which the filters on the DIS do not recognize but I thought better of it.

And hello Rick.

 

[jamimb]

]I know she has a tough time with me and feeling like I dont care about her or think enough about her. I guess in my mind She just expects a whole lot and when something gets messed up it is the end of the world. For example, She has certain ways she likes things to look and be done around the house. She like for the blinmds on one side of the house to be open in the morning and closed in the afternoon due to the sun, ok now at the same time the side blinds are open make sure the ones in the back are closed because the sun comes in those in the morning, then open those in the back when the side gets closed and then when the sun moves to the front open the side and close the front, now the sun heats up the house so around 11 am make sure to slide the thermostat down, but remember to move it up at night before coming to bed, also make sure to push in the cushions on the furniture before coming to bed because they slide out and look horrible. Also make sure the pillow on the sofa stays up against the arm because the fabric is frayed so it will cover up the spot. You can do this for me right cause I do it 20 times a day. So for three months I can get everything right, then on a Saturday shg goes out to run errands and what not I am working on things like the yard or washing the car or hjust doing other things around the house and also spending time with the kids, and probably not even being inside the house since the sun moved from the back to the side she comes home and gets upset telling me if I knew how important it was to her and I had been thinking about her it would have been taken care of. Sorry....

[/QUOTE]

Are you sure your not married to me? I see alot of similarites between me and your wife. I tend to overeact with me dh as well (something I am ashamed of and working on) I know exactly where she's coming from though she just thinks you dont care and you dont listen. I am also really OCD about my house. I am trying to relax though for my family. I went to work one time and asked my dh to keep the house clean. Flash forward 8 hrs. I jump all over him for sitting in the floor with a few textbooks and an empty glass of chocolate milk. That was 13 yrs ago and before kids but OCD is really an illness. I am borderline and it sounds to me like she may be as well. Good luck I know it isnt easy living with me!