I wrecked Valentines Day before breakfast

[Tink&SquirtsMom]

And what are you implying by that last remark?

That the only perfect wives are the ones without husbands, just like the only perfect parents are the ones without kids.

 

[pixie dust 112]

I first read this thread hours ago and didn't respond, but I've been thinking about it ever since. OP's DW absolutely overreacted, but I understand her frustration. My DH (who I love and adore) and I have been married almost 24 years after dating for 6 years. I do not like roses, I especially don't like red roses. I've told him this for years, in a very nice way, and still would get red roses for Valentine's day and our anniversary. I don't even like the smell of roses. I'm a tulips and daisies kinda chick! But society says Red roses means "I love you" so I would continually get red roses. I did appreciate the message he was trying to send, but really didn't appreciate the gift. Finally last year I asked my DD (then 15) to tell her dad not to send me roses for our anniversary. She told him very nicely when he was picking out flowers that I don't like red roses, but she knew I would love yellow or white tulips. He was stunned! I guess he thought I was kidding all those years! So last year for my anniversary I received beautiful tulips! We are going to Disney with bour DDs in 4 weeks for Spring Break This is our birthday/anniversary etc. gift to one another. We decided that we will not be giving Valentine's gifts to one another or DDs, as we'd rather save the $$$$ for WDW. Last night at dinner, I reminded everyone not to expect anything this morning and not to even think about buying anything for me. I was adamant. I think they got the message. This afternoon DH called me at work to see if we had anything going on tonight other than DDs basketball practice. DH is the coach. I told him that was all that was on our agenda for the night. He asked me if he could take me out for a latte after practice. Just the 2 of us. He doesn't like coffee, so I asked if I could get him a hot cocoa with raspberry! This is what we are doing for Valentine's day. He knows I love latte and we get to spend a bit of time with just the two of us. That to me is a perfect Valentine's gift. I just fell in love with him all over again! The gift of time and just a little something that he knows I really love!

 

[disneymom3]

Sorry, I'm with your wife. I think she made too much of it but you KNEW all the things you were doing were things she did not want and you did it anyway. When you are romancing a woman, you pay attention to the details or you fail. Some women are so greatful for any attention they will overlook this lack of attention to detail. Others are not so desperate. I know you love your wife and deep down she knows it too. But, don't make this kind of mistake again. Also, I have a feeling that you've communicated with us much more here in this thread than you normally communicate with her. Send HER an email....tell her how you feel about her....don't waste your time here. Doesn't seem like you have very much to spare. Again....pay attention to the details or your actions are generic. No woman likes to be treated like just anyone, they want to feel special and appreciated. That means YOU notice what they like and what they don't, responding accordingly.

I am sorry but give me a break! SOME of us are secure enough in our mariages to know that when our DH gives us red roses for VDay that we really don't care for (I am a pink tulip gal myself) that they are doofuses at picking out gifts and it means nothing about how they actually feel about us. After 15 years of marriage I am finally getting decent gifts because DD is 11 now and goes shopping with DH. My middle son is pretty good at the gift thing too. DH has no hope. None. But you know what? He is the greatest guy ever and would give anyone who needed it the shirt off his back. I am not desparate for attention. I just cut him some slack as I know I am FAR from perfect too.

 

[Jack-Jack]

I've read most, but not all, of this thread, so please pardon me if this has already been said. I'm not trying to demean your wife, but she sounds like she may be bi-polar. I'd certainly not tell her that accusingly, but perhaps if y'all go to counseling, maybe the counselor will recognize it.

I know someone who was recently diagnoses as bipolar who *used* to behave exactly as you've described your wife's behavior. When she's medicated, she's a completely different person. It's like that edge is taken off. Not perfect, but not so unpredictable.

Good luck to you.

 

[mickeyboat]

I am sorry but give me a break! SOME of us are secure enough in our mariages to know that when our DH gives us red roses for VDay that we really don't care for (I am a pink tulip gal myself) that they are doofuses at picking out gifts and it means nothing about how they actually feel about us. After 15 years of marriage I am finally getting decent gifts because DD is 11 now and goes shopping with DH. My middle son is pretty good at the gift thing too. DH has no hope. None. But you know what? He is the greatest guy ever and would give anyone who needed it the shirt off his back. I am not desparate for attention. I just cut him some slack as I know I am FAR from perfect too.

Thank you for saying that. I have typed a couple of responses to that comment, but deleted them. You said just what I was thinking. I don't judge my DH's feelings for me on whether he picks out the perfect gift. I don't want someone to buy me something because I told them what to get - I can do that myself. But I think people have different thoughts and feelings about gift-giving - kinda like the gift card / no gift card debate.

It's the thought that counts, and although DH is not very good at gift-giving all the time, I know he loves me and loves to do things that please me. He makes me mashed potatoes all the time, even though he dislikes them, because he knows I love them. He put himself up for the PTA auction last week as a handyman for a day because I asked him to. He bought me speakers for my computer at work so I can listen to my ipod all day long. He starts my car every morning and cleans off the snow so I don't have to do it before I go to work. I could go on and on.

Denae

 

[Tink&SquirtsMom]

OP, since you mentioned she would be resistant to counseling I wanted to suggest this book. It might be something good to go through together in the privacy of your own home, while you begin counseling on your own. http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/

It's used as a tool by a lot of marriage therapists. The basic premise is that there are different ways people feel loved. For example my "love languages" are acts of service and quality time. Dh's are physical touch and words of affirmation. While my intentions are great if I try and express my love for dh, by setting up a romantic dinner out, I am not giving him what HE needs to feel loved. And conversely, he can sweet talk me and build me up all he wants but to feel loved I just want to see him help with those dishes. Then we feel hurt because we are trying, we are doing what we would love to have done for us, and yet it still isn't working. Neither of us is doing anything wrong, we're just approaching it from different perspectives and understanding where the other is coming from is a good starting point to being able to fullfill your partners relational needs AND enable them to fullfill your own.

There is also the Five languages of Apology book, which helps you start to understand how to build forgiveness.

Here's a quick quiz that kind of identifies and covers the different "languages"
http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/30sec.html#love

BTW, the book has a Christian author but is also used secularly. You mentioned church so I assumed there was no problem recommending it. Apologize if I was wrong. Like I said it's only a start, not a miracle cure but its a good tool to understanding your partner better.

 

[taylor1293]

I agree!

I am not a fan of roses of any kind. I've been with my DH for 20 years, I'm sure somewhere in his head he knows that I don't like roses. Guess what he got me today? Lol!

I said thank you (and meant it) because he gave the gift to me out of the kindness of his heart. And, IMO, only a selfish and immature person would freak out over such a trivial matter.

Shortbun...are you the OP's wife?

I am sorry but give me a break! SOME of us are secure enough in our mariages to know that when our DH gives us red roses for VDay that we really don't care for (I am a pink tulip gal myself) that they are doofuses at picking out gifts and it means nothing about how they actually feel about us. After 15 years of marriage I am finally getting decent gifts because DD is 11 now and goes shopping with DH. My middle son is pretty good at the gift thing too. DH has no hope. None. But you know what? He is the greatest guy ever and would give anyone who needed it the shirt off his back. I am not desparate for attention. I just cut him some slack as I know I am FAR from perfect too.

 

[disneymom3]

Thank you for saying that. I have typed a couple of responses to that comment, but deleted them. You said just what I was thinking. I don't judge my DH's feelings for me on whether he picks out the perfect gift. I don't want someone to buy me something because I told them what to get - I can do that myself. But I think people have different thoughts and feelings about gift-giving - kinda like the gift card / no gift card debate.

It's the thought that counts, and although DH is not very good at gift-giving all the time, I know he loves me and loves to do things that please me. He makes me mashed potatoes all the time, even though he dislikes them, because he knows I love them. He put himself up for the PTA auction last week as a handyman for a day because I asked him to. He bought me speakers for my computer at work so I can listen to my ipod all day long. He starts my car every morning and cleans off the snow so I don't have to do it before I go to work. I could go on and on.

Denae

Oh honey, if I did that, I would have been divorced LONG ago!

Our DHs sound a lot alike. In the 5 Love Languages book he is definitly an "acts of service" language person. I am a gift giving person. Knowing that about each other really helps especially because we are both very bad at speaking the other person's language.

 

[goofygirl]

That the only perfect wives are the ones without husbands, just like the only perfect parents are the ones without kids.

Perfect? Who said I was perfect?

So you think a never married woman should never have an opinion on marriage, and a non-parent should never have an opinion on parenting?

Using that kind of logic, you should never criticize politics if you never held office, or have an opinion on a film if you never directed, or mull about a sports teams' plays if you were never a pro athlete, etc.

 

[Tink&SquirtsMom]

Perfect? Who said I was perfect?

Oh, i'm sorry you didn't say you were perfect you just implied it with this:

If I was given flowers of any kind and any color, I'd say "Thank you!" That is the appropriate response. She is very ungrateful.

All the good men are married, and are often married to women who don't appreciate them.

And the women who *would* appreciate them are out here and single because all these men are taken!

Life makes no sense!

You can have an opinion on marriage, just don't be insulted if it sounds ignorant to someone who has actual experience with it.

 

[lovemygoofy]

Oh, i'm sorry you didn't say you were perfect you just implied it with this:



You can have an opinion on marriage, just don't be insulted if it sounds ignorant to someone who has actual experience with it.

well I'm pretty married. I would without a doubt saying thank you and not be ugly about it. I have gotten some not so great presents from my husband. I certainly didn't think he was being passive agressive or trying to make a point. I thought he really meant well and was trying to give me a present he thought I'd enjoy.

 

[goofygirl]

Saying "thank you" and expressing happiness for flowers isn't perfection, it is common sense and courtesy!

If I am "ignorant" because of this, well so be it!

 

[mm_ja]

Well everyone thank you for the advice, kind words, and thoughts. I am about to head home and will try to make things better since I know I can make them right tonight. Thanks for the book suggestion I will have to check it out.

 

[DMickey28]

I used to be passive/aggressive like this when I was in my late teens early 20's.

I would feel like crap afterwards and embarassed.

I honestly don't have much for suggestions for you. You know that this is a problem area in your marriage that you need to work on. I suspect your wife is not happy. She very well could feel constricted and unsure of who she is being a SAHM. It's very hard.

I would go home and not mention the roses. Give her what you have. Call before and ask about getting dinner so she doesn't have to cook. However if she wants to cook, let her don't push. Maybe you two can have a throw out the roses ritual.

Good Luck.

 

[paigevz]

I am surprised so many other women are tulip/daisy girls like me! Tulips are my favorite, but as they are so expensive, daisies work in a pinch.

Roses and carnations don't do anything for me.

 

[CEDmom]

While I don't agree with your wife's delivery and I think you have deeper issues I have to side with her. I would be upset if my DH got me something he knows I don't like. I don't think I'd visibly show it and wouldn't ream him for it. If he forgot that would be a different story. If he said he wanted to get yellow roses and they were all out but he didn't want to come home empty handed I'd even be ok with that.

However, you readily admit you knew she didn't like red roses and didn't like you spending $ on flowers so what was your thought process there or did you not have one ? I guess I just don't get why you did what you did. Don't fall for the hype of Valentine's Day. You got her things she did want why didn't you just stop there ?

I think you both need to reconnect with eachother.

 

[Disney Doll]

Today he gave me 3 DVDs, a music CD, a box of candy, a pair of handcuffs, cards and a Weight Watchers scale.

Out of all of those, the handcuffs are the most interesting!

 

[RickinNYC]

I'm pretty surprised at those who support the wife's reaction. We ALL have received at least one pretty crappy gift at one time in our lives. I know I did. Just last year, I went all out for Joe's birthday and my own birthday was less than a week after his. He gave me food saver still in the Target bag the day before my birthday because I was in the middle of putting away left overs.

Was I annoyed? Yup, you bet. Did I explode and behave in a "ME ME ME" attitude with "you don't understand me, you don't love me" thrown in for fun? God no. I didn't get pissy. I didn't show my irritation at that moment. I didn't do anything but say "thank you" and suck up any irritation I might have felt. As far as I'm concerned, anyone that doesn't act in any way but appreciative doesn't deserve a gift EVER until they extend a HUGE apology for acting like a spoiled Veruka Salt three year old.

What in God's name ever happened to "thank you"? Suck it up folks. You got a gift you didn't want because the giver felt, for whatever reason, to give it you. Whether he or she has been your wife, husband or partner for a day, a year or fifty years doesn't give you the right to be self centered, spoiled and selfish.

In the case of the OP, I do absolutely think there are other issues involved. His wife either needs some serious therapy so she can get over her inability to communicate like a mature adult, or both seek couples counseling so they can get to the bottom of what underlying issues there might be.

 

[paigevz]

Out of all of those, the handcuffs are the most interesting!

Hmm, but he gave candy AND a scale.............and he also gave handcuffs AND music............dichotomies fascinate me...........

 

[paigevz]

I'm pretty surprised at those who support the wife's reaction. We ALL have received at least one pretty crappy gift at one time in our lives. I know I did. Just last year, I went all out for Joe's birthday and my own birthday was less than a week after his. He gave me food saver still in the Target bag the day before my birthday because I was in the middle of putting away left overs.

Was I annoyed? Yup, you bet. Did I explode and behave in a "ME ME ME" attitude with "you don't understand me, you don't love me" thrown in for fun? God no. I didn't get pissy. I didn't show my irritation at that moment. I didn't do anything but say "thank you" and suck up any irritation I might have felt. As far as I'm concerned, anyone that doesn't act in any way but appreciative doesn't deserve a gift EVER until they extend a HUGE apology for acting like a spoiled Veruka Salt three year old.

What in God's name ever happened to "thank you"? Suck it up folks. You got a gift you didn't want because the giver felt, for whatever reason, to give it you. Whether he or she has been your wife, husband or partner for a day, a year or fifty years doesn't give you the right to be self centered, spoiled and selfish.

In the case of the OP, I do absolutely think there are other issues involved. His wife either needs some serious therapy so she can get over her inability to communicate like a mature adult, or both seek couples counseling so they can get to the bottom of what underlying issues there might be.

What's a Veruka Salt 3 year old?