I wrecked Valentines Day before breakfast

[Pam]

I forgot to mention the love dice!

 

[ELLE-TN]

Wow, sorry to hear about your wife's reaction. Although I am not a fan of flowers either because they cost so much and really don't last long, I still appreciate them when my hubby brings them home. I agree with a previous poster who said maybe you could bring dinner home tonight maybe you should call your wife early enough to let her know that she shouldn't be bothered with it and that you're taking care of it. I think I would ignore the flower issue and try to coast through the rest of the day hoping for a better ending. Sending you good vibes and hugs. good luck!

 

[ICF]

Well, even though I don’t post often I am reaching out for some help and advice on this Valentines Day. Yes even before breakfast I ruined Valentines Day for my family.

A fellow guy here....

Let me say, if VDay was truely ruined today I don't think it was by you.

Just curious....did she get you anything? A card...candy....anything??

 

[Pam]

That is the most random list of Valentine's Day gifts I have ever read and I believe that it is amazing!

I know - God Bless him!

After 25 years he still never ceases to amaze and surprise me!
He's quite the guy!

 

[MomNeedsVacay]

You and your wife need to lighten up! Life is too short! Its just Valentine's Day! You need humor and laughter!!!
I got tulips from my DH this morning...the note read, "I love you. Hernando"

His name is STEVE.

You've gotta make this woman laugh...not by spoiling her, but do something outrageous... Have a huge ceremony of burning the roses.....dousing them with lighter fluid or stomping on them. Those damn, roses. THrow them in the fireplace. Go get a t-shirt made at the mall that says, "I'm the world's worst husband. I bought my wife roses." You've gotta make her see how silly and ridiculous this whole thing is!

 

[mickeyboat]

she comes home and gets upset telling me if I knew how important it was to her and I had been thinking about her it would have been taken care of. Sorry....

I am losing sympathy for your wife by the minute. How can you possibly ever please her when she equates your love for her with whether you remembered to close a shade? Is she a little obsessive-compulsive?

 

[Chip_and_Dales_Girl]

You've gotta make this woman laugh...not by spoiling her, but do something outrageous... Have a huge ceremony of burning the roses.....dousing them with lighter fluid or stomping on them. Those damn, roses. THrow them in the fireplace. Go get a t-shirt made at the mall that says, "I'm the world's worst husband. I bought my wife roses." You've gotta make her see how silly and ridiculous this whole thing is!

I have to say, as much as I agree with you here I have a feeling the OPs wife would take it as a personal attack against her. She doesn't seem to be happy no matter what OP does.

 

[Biscuitsmom31]

Sounds to me like your DW has some serious PMS. Either that or she is depressed. Clearly, it's not about the roses. She is feeling unhappy or unfulfilled in some way. It may just be hormones or it may be that she needs to get out of the house for a while. Instead of finding a sitter and taking her out to dinner, maybe you should offer to stay with the kids all weekend so she can go/do whatever she wants. Maybe she could stay at a hotel all alone for a night. I know I would love that.

 

[Heidict]

Today he gave me 3 DVDs, a music CD, a box of candy, a pair of handcuffs, cards and a Weight Watchers scale.

You can't just throw this out there without the backstory. Why oh why did you get handcuffs? Or do we really want to know?

 

[Crankyshank]

Honestly, I think you both have blame in this.
Clearly your wife is a bit anal retentive about things, and way overreacted. But you know your wife. If you know she becomes unhinged about minutia, plus you knew she disliked red roses, why did you get her the roses?

It sounds like you don't spend much time together one on one, so she might be feeling a bit like a co-parent instead of a wife and wants some romance. So romance her! Get someone to watch the kids while you take her out on a romantic overnight, or pamper her at home by drawing a bath, rubbing her feet, making her favorite dinner, etc... Because it really seems like you both need to reconnect.

 

[Camicar]

The day after my dd was born, my dh brought in a huge pot of daisies for me. He bought it because it was the biggest floral arrangement in the store he could afford. My mother almost fell over bec she knows I HATE daisies and here was this huge pot that dominated the tiny hospital room and I couldn't get away from it. Honestly, I'm not sure how after 15 years together, my dh didn't know that fact, but... I graciously accepted the gesture for what it was -- a big expression of love. (To this day, he doesn't know how I felt about that pot.)

However, if he had known I hated daisies and bought them anyway, given my hormones at the time, I might have gone whomp on his head.

So having BTDT, here are my thoughts:
1. Your wife's reaction was over the top. Is she always such a drama queen or is this a new development? If she does this regularly, how have you responded -- have you done so in a way that reinforces the behavior, have you called her on it, have you sugested couple's therapy, have you suggested she get her hormones/thyroid checked, have you just licked your wounds in private without confronting her? IOW, have you unconsciously helped create a codependent negative dynamic in which you cannot win and she gets to go on an emotional rollercoaster and enjoy feeling like a martyr? If this is a new development, what is going on in her life that makes her react this way? How can she get out of this negative situation and what can you do to help?

2. While I think your wife's overall reaction was over the top, I do find it her initial disappointment understandable.

I think the problem here is that you two have different love languages and/or different expectations. There are some people who would be happy with any gift -- even, say, a can of tuna or box of garbage bags, as long as it's a GIFT. Your wife is not one of those people, but you essentially gave her a box of garbage bags on Valentine's Day. You seem to think that investing time but ending up with a pro forma expression is enough. She does not -- She needs to be SHOWN that you love her by paying attention to details that matter to HER.

To you, red roses = Valentine's Day and love. This trumps the fact that your wife doesn't like them.
To her, red roses = symbol of the fact that you think so little of her that you deliberately got her flowers you KNOW she doesn't like. I have to admit that I simply don't understand why in the world you deliberately bought her flowers you KNOW she doesn't like or want when you could have just as easily bought her flowers you know she does like.

While I think your wife's expectations are unrealistic and frankly, demonstrate immature notions of coupledom, I also think you are not helping matters when you deliberately give her a gift you know she won't like (and allow her to ream you out for 30 minutes about it, forcing you to tell her to throw the gift away). It takes two to tango the dysfunctional dance, after all.

The long and the short of it is that I would strongly suggest you two get couple's therapy and find ways to get both sets of expectations more in tune with reality and to find ways to make each other happier.

 

[ICF]

You can't just throw this out there without the backstory. Why oh why did you get handcuffs? Or do we really want to know?

IMO....If you have to ask, you don't want to know!

 

[Hercules10]

You and your wife need to lighten up! Life is too short! Its just Valentine's Day! You need humor and laughter!!!
I got tulips from my DH this morning...the note read, "I love you. Hernando"

His name is STEVE.

I do that...flowers go to the front desk at Wifey's work. Of course the gals up there always look at the card. So I always sign it-----"The Pool Boy".

 

[gardenhoe]

I know she has a tough time with me and feeling like I dont care about her or think enough about her. I guess in my mind She just expects a whole lot and when something gets messed up it is the end of the world. For example, She has certain ways she likes things to look and be done around the house. She like for the blinmds on one side of the house to be open in the morning and closed in the afternoon due to the sun, ok now at the same time the side blinds are open make sure the ones in the back are closed because the sun comes in those in the morning, then open those in the back when the side gets closed and then when the sun moves to the front open the side and close the front, now the sun heats up the house so around 11 am make sure to slide the thermostat down, but remember to move it up at night before coming to bed, also make sure to push in the cushions on the furniture before coming to bed because they slide out and look horrible. Also make sure the pillow on the sofa stays up against the arm because the fabric is frayed so it will cover up the spot. You can do this for me right cause I do it 20 times a day. So for three months I can get everything right, then on a Saturday shg goes out to run errands and what not I am working on things like the yard or washing the car or hjust doing other things around the house and also spending time with the kids, and probably not even being inside the house since the sun moved from the back to the side she comes home and gets upset telling me if I knew how important it was to her and I had been thinking about her it would have been taken care of. Sorry....

 

[froglady]

As is typical, after posters have disagreed with him, the OP has added more important information that would have shed more light on the situation. He never mentioned that his wife is extremely picky about all aspects of her life/environment, not just the flower/gift issue.

I agree with the other poster who said, after reading about the blinds having to be just so, the pillows, etc that it appears that your wife is ALWAYS difficult, not just when it comes to gifts. And that your purposely ignoring her request, even though you know this is the way she is, was a passive/aggresive move on your part. I don't blame you for being unhappy with her everyday (vs Valentine's) behavior, but this isn't the way to handle it.

 

[mm_ja]

I appreciate the kind thoughts and words. Again I am sure she got me something she is(was) waiting until later to day to give me a present. To all of those who said not to get her red roses again, believe me I will never purchase another red rose in my life, not for her, not for my mother funeral (which is hopefully a long time away), not if I get divorced and find a new wife who loves red roses, I will never buy another red rose. I am tempted to take the red roses a co worker got and trash them just be cause I dont want to see them. Also Yes, I am sharing much more here than I would with her, that is part of the problem, if I communicated these thoughts and feelings to her she would blow up at me, and it would not be pretty. Is she obsessive compulsive? She watches Jon & Kate plus 8 and comments how she and Kate could be such good friends because they are exactly alike ( and we only have 2 kids). I look at how miserabel Jon seems and say to myself I feel your pain buddy.

 

[Heidict]

IMO....If you have to ask, you don't want to know!

Oh trust me. My mind is in the gutter like everyone else's!! Just wondering if there was some innocent and non-raunchy reason why she would have gotten them.

OP- Your wife sounds like a control freak. She has issues. Who knows why but I really think she, as well as the rest of the family, would benefit if she had someone professional to speak with on a regular basis. She really needs to work these issues out.

 

[babytrees]

I have to side with your DW, as I've had this issue with my DH. However, I did learn that I have to say, each year, "do NOT get me flowers on Valentines Day, and as you know, I DO not like roses." It used to hurt my feelings that he would get the traditional roses for me, spending twice as much as they would cost the next day, when I've made it clear that I don't want them. Now, if he got me an arrangement of sentimental flowers, such as those I had in my wedding bouquet, I'd love it!

Another siding with your wife about the flowers.

I DESPISE cards, long story and my husband knows the story and knows how much I hate them. What did he give me every stinking holiday and in between days just for the heck of it??? Cards.....until I had a blow up similar to your wife's after telling him umpteen times in umpteen different ways I don't like them. I am happy to say that thankfully he doesn't give them anymore.

I gotta think the big issue here is she doesn't think you are actually listening to her and valueing her feelings and opinions. You said you know her favorite flowers are tulips....why did you get her flowers you know she doesn't like???
More gifts may not be the answer....some undivided attention with open ears from you may be the best gift you can give.

 

[mickeyfan2]

You did nothing wrong. You did how her how much you love her.

 

[LotsOfQuestions]

I would get her a session with a therapist for Valentines.

I am sorry you were chastised for getting your wife flowers. It was a nice gesture.

As others have said, she has some underlying issues she is not addressing. Roses are traditional for Valentines and to get mad about it, there is something else going on.