I wrecked Valentines Day before breakfast

[MomNeedsVacay]

The wife on Jon and Kate plus 8 is a pill....YIKES.

 

[live4christp1]

 

[Harvest02]

Your DW TOTALLY overreacted! I think she should be happy with whatever gift you give her. At least you thought of her!!! My DH got me chocolates for Valentines day(when he knows that I am trying to watch what I eat), but did I get mad at him??? NO!!!! I thanked him and told him how sweet it was that he even thought of me for Valentines day! I will enjoy the chocolates and eat them a little at a time! Any kind gesture is a good one, in my opinion! After all, it is the thought that counts! Bring her dinner tonight or something. I was a SAHM for 10 years, so I know it can be stressful. Sounds like she might be having some issues with staying home. Does she go out with any friends at night? Spend some time together just the two of you, it should help. We have 2 kids as well, but do go out occasionally by ourselves. It is nice to re-connect and just talk without the kids interrupting. Good luck with your DW tonight! You did nothing wrong! If she doesn't want the flowers, I will take them!!!

 

[Texa]

I agree - this is sounding like a passive/aggressive move by him and I am doubting this is just about a one time mistake with flowers. I am thinking there are more reasons for her to feel the way she does and that this has been building for a long time. She may be difficult and over reacting, but I think there are two sides here and she may be justified for many of her feelings. You both need counseling.

I have to agree with this. I think there is more of a history here than we know about and the reaction was a culmination of a lot of things, not just the roses.

Not saying this is the OP necessarily but I've seen people who will push their partners buttons then go out and look for sympathy when they get a negative reaction.

Get counseling, do not trash your wife on a public message board until you fully understand what is going on.

 

[jen0610]

Your wife SOOO over reacted. She showed that she was never taught or understands that a gift is to be appreciated for just that - a gift. Hopefully your kids did not see this or ever learn this trait from their mother.

Does my DH know my thoughts and feelings on flowers (quanitly, type and colors) and holiday cards, yes he does. But if he wants to present me with either of these, I am more than happy and willing to appreciate what HE choose to give me. When I get flowers, some times he hits it perfectly on target for my liking, others he misses by a mile. Has he ever known he missed by a mile, not by any spoken word or action. They have been placed in the same spot as any other arrangement would be placed.

DH has figured out over the years, when I am asked what I would like for mothers day, bday, anniversary, or christmas, when I tell you whatever you pick for me will be fine by me, I really and truly mean that. If there is something I would like, I will let you know. And if you are able to get that, great and if not, what you are able to get me will be appreciated. The best gift he can give me, would be something that he thought of and selected, not what I directed him to purchase.

 

[Tink&SquirtsMom]

Well your dw handled it poorly but here is a totally hypothetical look into what she may be feeling...

I based of this off of what you said: you have poor communication, your wife doesn't always feel heard and you have issues with her setting rules or trying dominate the way things work in the house.

So she gets up having probably put a lot of thought into your gift, and sees red roses. Red roses from you = traditional expression of love. Red roses to her reinforce that you don't listen to her, you don't understand what she wants and/or express that you feel she is too controlling and are trying to passively say that it's not about how she wants things it's about how you want them to be.

She probably misses you alot (and by misses I mean misses the way the 2 of you used to be together). She is likely overwhelmed with the kids and house and life and feels her relationship slipping away and doesn't know how to handle it (you likely feel much of the same). She knows she is unreasonable around the house but feels like she is losing herself and doesn't know how to behave differently when she feels like everything is so out of control. But she feels like crap about it when she's done, which builds a shame spiral for her and adds more distance between the two of you. So she puts a lot of effort into a grand Valentine's day building it up in her mind as a fresh start, or a new spark to rekindle that flame. She choses what she thinks is the perfect gift and plans to give you a phenomenal night. THEN she sees the red flowers as a huge insult to this grand gesture she was planning (which of course you had no clue about), they are a slap in the face and confirm everything she has been feeling and her day is ruined.

I'm not saying any of that is right in this case or if it was that it would be valid on her part... but it is fairly textbook relationship stuff, and I would bet somewhere in there are some truths.

What you two need is not ANY kind of flowers, but to reconnect and really hear what each other needs right now. If you guys were really connected this wouldn't have been what it became, and it sounds like you know that. Don't blame your wife and don't let her blame you. Just try and start fresh. And just a tip... do not try and get any tonight even though it is Valentine's.

 

[Va-bear]

I dont think your wife has "issues" as so many have suggested. This wasn't some stranger who gave your wife roses - I'm sure she would have been polite about that - it was someone who is supposed to know her likes and dislikes and consider them....you didn't. Yes, I think she over reacted, but maybe this isnt the first time? If you are giving a gift, epsecially an emotional gift, you consider what they would like, not what society would like. But, I am still very sorry and I know this has hurt you. Hope your night is better.

 

[Andy B]

I hope all the people diagnosing Passive/aggressive and ocd behaviour are qualified therapists and have studied this couple outside this thread.

 

[It's A Happy Day]

I know she has a tough time with me and feeling like I dont care about her or think enough about her. I guess in my mind She just expects a whole lot and when something gets messed up it is the end of the world. For example, She has certain ways she likes things to look and be done around the house. She like for the blinmds on one side of the house to be open in the morning and closed in the afternoon due to the sun, ok now at the same time the side blinds are open make sure the ones in the back are closed because the sun comes in those in the morning, then open those in the back when the side gets closed and then when the sun moves to the front open the side and close the front, now the sun heats up the house so around 11 am make sure to slide the thermostat down, but remember to move it up at night before coming to bed, also make sure to push in the cushions on the furniture before coming to bed because they slide out and look horrible. Also make sure the pillow on the sofa stays up against the arm because the fabric is frayed so it will cover up the spot. You can do this for me right cause I do it 20 times a day. So for three months I can get everything right, then on a Saturday shg goes out to run errands and what not I am working on things like the yard or washing the car or hjust doing other things around the house and also spending time with the kids, and probably not even being inside the house since the sun moved from the back to the side she comes home and gets upset telling me if I knew how important it was to her and I had been thinking about her it would have been taken care of. Sorry....

Sounds like there are some control issues and if you aren't on your leash following orders then you are pooping in the neighbors yard and intentionally trying to disrespect her. It sounds like you guys really need to sit down and get on the same page - either with or without a professional. Maybe she was brought up that things had to be a certain way or punishment was given, maybe there was a controlling parent and she walked on eggshells as a child and she only knows how to parent/wife this way. I'm not saying it's all her fault but it sounds like she needs to realize there is more than 1 way to accomplish things including expressing ones feelings for another.

 

[tiff211]

My grandmother told me once the different between a gift and a present is a present is when you PRESENT someone with something YOU want them to have and a gift is when you GIVE someone something you know they want and to make sure I always gave gifts, not presents. I try to listen to that advice, I know what DH likes and know his hobbies, etc. and my gifts reflect this. He knows I do not like flowers so if he made a big deal about getting me a huge bouquet of flowers, I would be ticked because it shows he took the easy route and got what is expected on V-day. This morning, when I got up, I came back into the bedroom and there was a long stem single pink rose with a card. The presentation was beautiful....simple but beautiful. So I get where your DW is coming, I just think she took it the extreme telling you how she felt!

 

[Pam]

I hope all the people diagnosing Passive/aggressive and ocd behaviour are qualified therapists and have studied this couple outside this thread.

It's the DIS. Didn't you know that we are ALL certified armchair therapists?

 

[kinntj]

Well, I think you and your wife have issues that need to be addressed in counseling. There you'll get the tools you need to communicate effectively.

I don't like receiving flowers either for Valentines (it's only acceptable for Mother's Day), but if DH bought them I would say thank you. Now that is me, but I'm not going to say negative things about your DW because she is much different than me. She expects much more and there's nothing wrong with that, but her reactions are over the top and I think with counseling you guys will be able to react respond without blowing up and getting nowhere with that behavior.

Good Luck!

 

[Pugsley]

When you are romancing a woman, you pay attention to the details or you fail. Some women are so greatful for any attention they will overlook this lack of attention to detail. Others are not so desperate.

What!?!?! A woman who is appreciative of a gift (even if there wasn't a lot of thought put into it) is "greatful (sic) for any attention" or "desperate"? I really hope I'm misunderstanding you here.

 

[mm_ja]

Well let me respond to the people that are commenting about my rant on never buying red roses again. I understand after reading my post why you would say that. I was trying to be lighthearted about something and communicate that yes with my DW my lesson is learned about buying her red roses. Again, I appreciate everyones advice. I am seeing two sides to this story and I think it is helpful. I appreciate the ability of others to put themselves in my wife shoes and help me to better understand things. Allow me to ask a question to see if it is just a guy thing or if I am off base or what. When I find myself in trouble with DW and I apologize I say I am sorry for what I did here is why I did what I did or this was my thought process behind my decision, Iunderstand that was not the best or correc tdecision. I do this to expalin myself and to try and communicate my thought process to her with the hopes of it being taken as "Well, he screwed up but I can see where he is coming from, so I forgive you" and we can move on. She only wants to hear "I'm sorry I messed up You are right I am wrong" this would be ok if after the apology I felt she did forgive me and we moved on, but she stay mad at me for long periods of time.

 

[mickeyboat]

Well let me respond to the people that are commenting about my rant on never buying red roses again. I understand after reading my post why you would say that. I was trying to be lighthearted about something and communicate that yes with my DW my lesson is learned about buying her red roses. Again, I appreciate everyones advice. I am seeing two sides to this story and I think it is helpful. I appreciate the ability of others to put themselves in my wife shoes and help me to better understand things. Allow me to ask a question to see if it is just a guy thing or if I am off base or what. When I find myself in trouble with DW and I apologize I say I am sorry for what I did here is why I did what I did or this was my thought process behind my decision, Iunderstand that was not the best or correc tdecision. I do this to expalin myself and to try and communicate my thought process to her with the hopes of it being taken as "Well, he screwed up but I can see where he is coming from, so I forgive you" and we can move on. She only wants to hear "I'm sorry I messed up You are right I am wrong" this would be ok if after the apology I felt she did forgive me and we moved on, but she stay mad at me for long periods of time.

I am not an expert, but when DH apologizes and then tells me why he did what he did, it sounds to me like "I'm sorry, but...." The but negates the entire point of the apology. If you hurt me, be sorry that I am hurt, be sorry that you contributed. You don't really need to be sorry for your reasons for doing what you did unless you were purposely being mean, but I need you to empathize with my feelings.

Denae

 

[kinntj]

What!?!?! A woman who is appreciative of a gift (even if there wasn't a lot of thought put into it) is "greatful (sic) for any attention" or "desperate"? I really hope I'm misunderstanding you here.

I forgot that I read that and I reacted the same way you did. I didn't understand it either, but like I said, "It's only FLOWERS" people. He didn't book a vacation or buy a home without her details or thoughts on it. Geesh!

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I dont think your wife has "issues" as so many have suggested. This wasn't some stranger who gave your wife roses - I'm sure she would have been polite about that - it was someone who is supposed to know her likes and dislikes and consider them....you didn't. Yes, I think she over reacted, but maybe this isnt the first time? If you are giving a gift, epsecially an emotional gift, you consider what they would like, not what society would like. But, I am still very sorry and I know this has hurt you. Hope your night is better.

I agree.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Well let me respond to the people that are commenting about my rant on never buying red roses again. I understand after reading my post why you would say that. I was trying to be lighthearted about something and communicate that yes with my DW my lesson is learned about buying her red roses. Again, I appreciate everyones advice. I am seeing two sides to this story and I think it is helpful. I appreciate the ability of others to put themselves in my wife shoes and help me to better understand things. Allow me to ask a question to see if it is just a guy thing or if I am off base or what. When I find myself in trouble with DW and I apologize I say I am sorry for what I did here is why I did what I did or this was my thought process behind my decision, Iunderstand that was not the best or correc tdecision. I do this to expalin myself and to try and communicate my thought process to her with the hopes of it being taken as "Well, he screwed up but I can see where he is coming from, so I forgive you" and we can move on. She only wants to hear "I'm sorry I messed up You are right I am wrong" this would be ok if after the apology I felt she did forgive me and we moved on, but she stay mad at me for long periods of time.

That's not really an apology. That is saying "well sorry but I had my reasons" not "I'm sorry I hurt you".KWIM?

 

[goofygirl]

If I was given flowers of any kind and any color, I'd say "Thank you!" That is the appropriate response. She is very ungrateful.

All the good men are married, and are often married to women who don't appreciate them.

And the women who *would* appreciate them are out here and single because all these men are taken!

Life makes no sense!

 

[Tink&SquirtsMom]

Well let me respond to the people that are commenting about my rant on never buying red roses again. I understand after reading my post why you would say that. I was trying to be lighthearted about something and communicate that yes with my DW my lesson is learned about buying her red roses. Again, I appreciate everyones advice. I am seeing two sides to this story and I think it is helpful. I appreciate the ability of others to put themselves in my wife shoes and help me to better understand things. Allow me to ask a question to see if it is just a guy thing or if I am off base or what. When I find myself in trouble with DW and I apologize I say I am sorry for what I did here is why I did what I did or this was my thought process behind my decision, Iunderstand that was not the best or correc tdecision. I do this to expalin myself and to try and communicate my thought process to her with the hopes of it being taken as "Well, he screwed up but I can see where he is coming from, so I forgive you" and we can move on. She only wants to hear "I'm sorry I messed up You are right I am wrong" this would be ok if after the apology I felt she did forgive me and we moved on, but she stay mad at me for long periods of time.

You definitely need to be heard and have a right to explain BUT the apology is not the time to do it. As another posted said it comes off like "I'm sorry BUT..."

IMO, BOTH of you need to work through forgiveness issues. I'm sure she pulls stuff like this out when a new fight crops up, but you did the same by bringing the blinds "fights" into this. If she feels unforgiven, she won't easily forgive.

It's only FLOWERS" people. He didn't book a vacation or buy a home without her details or thoughts on it

It not ONLY flowers if the wife wanted it to be something more. If it comes across to the wife as we don't have the same priorities, or I don't hear what you say or understand your needs, then it's not ONLY flowers. Not saying her reaction was right or approriate (it wasn't), just saying it sounds like the symptom of bigger problems.

If I was given flowers of any kind and any color, I'd say "Thank you!" That is the appropriate response. She is very ungrateful.

All the good men are married, and are often married to women who don't appreciate them.

And the women who *would* appreciate them are out here and single because all these men are taken!

Life makes no sense!

Spoken like a true unmarried woman.