I wrecked Valentines Day before breakfast

[froglady]

I appreciate the kind thoughts and words. Again I am sure she got me something she is(was) waiting until later to day to give me a present. To all of those who said not to get her red roses again, believe me I will never purchase another red rose in my life, not for her, not for my mother funeral (which is hopefully a long time away), not if I get divorced and find a new wife who loves red roses, I will never buy another red rose. I am tempted to take the red roses a co worker got and trash them just be cause I dont want to see them. Also Yes, I am sharing much more here than I would with her, that is part of the problem, if I communicated these thoughts and feelings to her she would blow up at me, and it would not be pretty. Is she obsessive compulsive? She watches Jon & Kate plus 8 and comments how she and Kate could be such good friends because they are exactly alike ( and we only have 2 kids). I look at how miserabel Jon seems and say to myself I feel your pain buddy.

Apparently, your wife isn't the only one who overreacts to disappointment.

 

[pansmermaidzlagoon]

As is typical, after posters have disagreed with him, the OP has added more important information that would have shed more light on the situation. He never mentioned that his wife is extremely picky about all aspects of her life/environment, not just the flower/gift issue.

I agree with the other poster who said, after reading about the blinds having to be just so, the pillows, etc that it appears that your wife is ALWAYS difficult, not just when it comes to gifts. And that your purposely ignoring her request, even though you know this is the way she is, was a passive/aggresive move on your part. I don't blame you for being unhappy with her everyday (vs Valentine's) behavior, but this isn't the way to handle it.

I agree - this is sounding like a passive/aggressive move by him and I am doubting this is just about a one time mistake with flowers. I am thinking there are more reasons for her to feel the way she does and that this has been building for a long time. She may be difficult and over reacting, but I think there are two sides here and she may be justified for many of her feelings. You both need counseling.

 

[Ride Junkie]

I do that...flowers go to the front desk at Wifey's work. Of course the gals up there always look at the card. So I always sign it-----"The Pool Boy".

Heh, that is great!!

 

[Crankyshank]

Apparently, your wife isn't the only one who overreacts to disappointment.

If this experience has only taught you to never buy red roses again, no matter who they are for and what flowers they like, then I honestly can't blame your wife for complaining your don't listen to her.
It's not hard to find out a woman's favorite flower and buy them for her. If she likes roses, get roses. If not, don't. Just because your wife hates red roses, that doesn't mean your Mom or someone else won't.

 

[CheshireVal]

Apparently, your wife isn't the only one who overreacts to disappointment.

I was thinking this same thing.

 

[Phibbles]

Okay, some peope will not like my reply. But I think it is time to get some b*lls and stand up to your DW. Without ridiculing or belittling her, you need to set some things straight.

You wanted to buy red roses. It is her option to not like them, but to be offended by them is RIDICULOUS and not acceptable. You need to tell her this.

Her OCD with the blinds/house is fine for her, but it is not fair for her to pass it to you and your kids. When she *itches about these OCD issues you need to clearly state that it does not bother you so you will not be fixing the blinds (or whatever).

People (not just women) like your wife like backbone. They push and push and push hoping you will push back a little (figuratively, not literally. please don't go home and push her off the roof or anything).

You need to do it with soft hands, but it is time for you to reclaim you position in this family and relationship. You are an equal partnet, and self-sufficient human being. You have the right to buy the gifts you like and she should remember the golden rule.

If my DW ever reacted like this to a gift, it would be the only gift she gets for the rest of her life. Red rose for Bday. Red rose for M-Day. Red rose for no special reason day. Tough Love!

 

[Queen Quinnella]

I have a friend who is very similar to your DW. If things don't meet her expectations she has a total meltdown. We went out for her birthday to Joe's Crab Shack and we told the waiter that it was her birthday (because she wanted us to), and the waiter never did the whole "it's your birthday" hoopla and she got so mad at her DH because of it that they had a huge fight in the parking lot. She is the same way about Valentine's and their anniversary. Actually pretty much everything. The fights that we have witnessed over the smallest, stupidest stuff just amazes me.

 

[mm_ja]

I will be the first to admit I could be a better husband, and that we need counseling. I dont know if I was purposly being passive/aggresive or not. I do know I did have the best intentions in mind. Believe me when I say I didnt think it would be such a big deal about red roses not being her favorite. Maybe that is my problem that I just didnt pay enough attention as to how much she disliked them. All of the ideas about spending time together and romancing her are great and appreciated as things to do over the course of the next few days weeks, months, and going forward. I dont think she is in the nmood for me to go home with some wine and start rubbing her feet while the bath is getting redy. I agree that bringing home dinner is a great idea. Any others would be appreciated.

 

[I loveStitchnippyjon]

If this experience has only taught you to never buy red roses again, no matter who they are for and what flowers they like, then I honestly can't blame your wife for complaining your don't listen to her.
It's not hard to find out a woman's favorite flower and buy them for her. If she likes roses, get roses. If not, don't. Just because your wife hates red roses, that doesn't mean your Mom or someone else won't.

Oh for crying out loud, they are just ROSES! They may not be her favorites, but honestly, she is not deathly allergic to them!
You bought her flowers that aren't her favorites. At least you remembered Valentines Day and did something nice.
She should get over it and tell you what's REALLY bothering her.
Then say "thanks for the flowers".

 

[chyam]

I know she has a tough time with me and feeling like I dont care about her or think enough about her. I guess in my mind She just expects a whole lot and when something gets messed up it is the end of the world. For example, She has certain ways she likes things to look and be done around the house. She like for the blinmds on one side of the house to be open in the morning and closed in the afternoon due to the sun, ok now at the same time the side blinds are open make sure the ones in the back are closed because the sun comes in those in the morning, then open those in the back when the side gets closed and then when the sun moves to the front open the side and close the front, now the sun heats up the house so around 11 am make sure to slide the thermostat down, but remember to move it up at night before coming to bed, also make sure to push in the cushions on the furniture before coming to bed because they slide out and look horrible. Also make sure the pillow on the sofa stays up against the arm because the fabric is frayed so it will cover up the spot. You can do this for me right cause I do it 20 times a day. So for three months I can get everything right, then on a Saturday shg goes out to run errands and what not I am working on things like the yard or washing the car or hjust doing other things around the house and also spending time with the kids, and probably not even being inside the house since the sun moved from the back to the side she comes home and gets upset telling me if I knew how important it was to her and I had been thinking about her it would have been taken care of. Sorry....

It almost sounds like she has some sort of compulsive disorder and also the need to dominate, but if you are always catering and tip toeing around her behavior than you are either a saint or a door mat. She has to learn that the world does not revolve around her every want and need, so what if a blind doesn't get closed and another one opened, there are so many more things in this world that are so much more important, and as far as throwing the flowers away and needing you to say it you should have stood up for yourself and said "Honey when I get home I will take them to a nursing home or other place where some people could get some enjoyment from them, instead of throwing them in the trash and wasting the money that she didn't care about or the thought. I think you need to start getting a backbone and start standing up for yourself, you did alot more than some guys do and your feelings were hurt too that she could not accept a gift graciously and politely.
She sounds like a 15 year old!

 

[Crankyshank]

Oh for crying out loud, they are just ROSES! They may not be her favorites, but honestly, she is not deathly allergic to them!
You bought her flowers that aren't her favorites. At least you remembered Valentines Day and did something nice.
She should get over it and tell you what's REALLY bothering her.
Then say "thanks for the flowers".

Did you read my earlier post? I said the wife overreacted, but the OP is hardly without blame knowing that 1) the wife hated roses 2) the wife is an overreacting harpy, and yet still bought the flowers.
The comment I made in the post you quoted was in reaction to the OP stomping his foot and saying I will never buy anyone roses again, even for my mother's funeral, even for my next wife who may like red roses, and I should throw out other people's red roses.

 

[mumom95]

First let me say that I think your wife way overreacted.

But I have to ask the OP, why did you buy her flowers you knew she wasn't fond of? Why didn't you get her what you knew she liked? That just doesn't make sense to me. Being traditional was more important than her happiness?

My son loves pumpkin pie, and honestly isn't much of a cake fan (he doesn't hate it, but it isn't his favorite). Now, traditionally birthday cake is what you serve a person on their birthday. But for his birthday, we never have cake, we have pumpkin pie. I mean if I'm going to make something for him, why would I ever choose to make something he's not fond of, just because that is the traditional thing to do. Now, he'd be in big trouble if he ever reacted the way your wife did, but frankly, I would consider myself not such a good parent if I personally went against his wishes just for the sake of being traditional.

 

[gardenhoe]

OP, I think today should be about you for putting up with her the other 364 days of the year. I hereby grant you permission to go get drunk after work. Enjoy!

 

[Mkrop]

I was on the wifes' side a little until the whole blind thing. Wow!

I mean I think gift giving is about listening to the other person and TRYING to get something he/she would like. Sometimes you hit a homerun, other times not so much but to me the greastest gift is trying. I dont see you trying by buying her flowers she doesnt like. What if she bought you a gift, say a coffee mug with instead of your favorite team, she bought it with the another team. Would that be ok bc it is just a football mug and you like football and coffee, most men do kind of thinking, or would she have been listening and more thoughtful if she bought you a mug with your favorite team.

DH sent me flowers from him and the boys after I told him that we really cant afford gifts let's just do cards. So that came, I was iced in yesterday and today I have to be a million places and have therapists (PT &OT) coming to the house for DS5. I dont have time to think of something. I am not a great cook so I cant wow him with that. Plus I barely had time to go to the store for the cookies I need to bring to DS10's party this afternoon. The PT was here this morning and she suggested a massage either by me or pick up a gift card, it is on my way home from the school. Sure I could do that but DH hates massages so I would be getting him something for the sake of getting something. not what he likes, even though MOST people like massages, just like you assume MOST people would want red roses on VDay.

I keep trying to tell my DH that I dont want stuff,being a SAHM I want the gift of time, give me a day to go shopping by myself, let me sleep in, let me have a day to even clean out closets so I can finish it not start and stop with the kids under foot.

But no his mom loves flowers, so I get flowers bc that is what he was taught to do.

I did say thank you and hug him and the boys but it is frustrating.

 

[mjkacmom]

The day after my dd was born, my dh brought in a huge pot of daisies for me. He bought it because it was the biggest floral arrangement in the store he could afford. My mother almost fell over bec she knows I HATE daisies and here was this huge pot that dominated the tiny hospital room and I couldn't get away from it. Honestly, I'm not sure how after 15 years together, my dh didn't know that fact, but... I graciously accepted the gesture for what it was -- a big expression of love. (To this day, he doesn't know how I felt about that pot.)

However, if he had known I hated daisies and bought them anyway, given my hormones at the time, I might have gone whomp on his head.

So having BTDT, here are my thoughts:
1. Your wife's reaction was over the top. Is she always such a drama queen or is this a new development? If she does this regularly, how have you responded -- have you done so in a way that reinforces the behavior, have you called her on it, have you sugested couple's therapy, have you suggested she get her hormones/thyroid checked, have you just licked your wounds in private without confronting her? IOW, have you unconsciously helped create a codependent negative dynamic in which you cannot win and she gets to go on an emotional rollercoaster and enjoy feeling like a martyr? If this is a new development, what is going on in her life that makes her react this way? How can she get out of this negative situation and what can you do to help?

2. While I think your wife's overall reaction was over the top, I do find it her initial disappointment understandable.

I think the problem here is that you two have different love languages and/or different expectations. There are some people who would be happy with any gift -- even, say, a can of tuna or box of garbage bags, as long as it's a GIFT. Your wife is not one of those people, but you essentially gave her a box of garbage bags on Valentine's Day. You seem to think that investing time but ending up with a pro forma expression is enough. She does not -- She needs to be SHOWN that you love her by paying attention to details that matter to HER.

To you, red roses = Valentine's Day and love. This trumps the fact that your wife doesn't like them.
To her, red roses = symbol of the fact that you think so little of her that you deliberately got her flowers you KNOW she doesn't like. I have to admit that I simply don't understand why in the world you deliberately bought her flowers you KNOW she doesn't like or want when you could have just as easily bought her flowers you know she does like.

While I think your wife's expectations are unrealistic and frankly, demonstrate immature notions of coupledom, I also think you are not helping matters when you deliberately give her a gift you know she won't like (and allow her to ream you out for 30 minutes about it, forcing you to tell her to throw the gift away). It takes two to tango the dysfunctional dance, after all.

The long and the short of it is that I would strongly suggest you two get couple's therapy and find ways to get both sets of expectations more in tune with reality and to find ways to make each other happier.

ITA! You said it better than I ever could. BTW, when I was expecting my first baby, I told DH that it would mean a lot to me if he got me some jewelry when she was born (it's very traditional here for husbands to give diamond earings to their wives). I never asked for jewelry before (or since), and I'm okay with not getting gifts - I can just get the things I want or need myself anyway. I really just wanted something symbolic. Dd was 2 weeks late, so he had plenty of time to get me something, and when she was finally born, he got me - a small arrangements of carnations from the hospital gift shop. Needless to say, I got the earings with #2 (and 10 years later, wear them every day ) I love my DH dearly, but being romantic is not his strongpoint!

 

[Poohs Pal]

Sorry, I'm with your wife. I think she made too much of it but you KNEW all the things you were doing were things she did not want and you did it anyway. When you are romancing a woman, you pay attention to the details or you fail. Some women are so greatful for any attention they will overlook this lack of attention to detail. Others are not so desperate. I know you love your wife and deep down she knows it too. But, don't make this kind of mistake again. Also, I have a feeling that you've communicated with us much more here in this thread than you normally communicate with her. Send HER an email....tell her how you feel about her....don't waste your time here. Doesn't seem like you have very much to spare. Again....pay attention to the details or your actions are generic. No woman likes to be treated like just anyone, they want to feel special and appreciated. That means YOU notice what they like and what they don't, responding accordingly.

I have to kind of agree with this. How many times has your wife told you whats she likes and still you buy what she doesn't like. So what if red rose's are traditional she wants and like's something else. Show her you care by listening to what she say's to you. The only thing I can see wrong with her telling you she didn't like the rose's is hopefully she didn't have her trantrum in front of the boy's. That's what would be setting the wrong example. I think you sound like a very good husband just learn from this . Susan

 

[DizBelle]

Lemmee understand...You got your wife roses and you're in trouble because they're the wrong color?

Sounds like she's got some growing up to do.

Yeah, what he said.

No where in the OP did it say that she HATED red roses or HATED roses at all. My impression is that he thought that she liked tulips more than she liked roses but she still liked roses.

 

[suzannen]

There are a lot of things going on here, but here's my two cents:
1) Apologize to wife and say something to the effect - I wanted to get you roses for VD since that's what I associate with this holiday, but I can see how that could make you feel that I don't listen to what you want and I'll try to LISTEN better in the future (and do it).
2) Go to couple's counseling for better communication skills between you and
3) for her definite OCD, which behavior can be toxic to a marriage (I've seen firsthand with my mother and my SIL)
4) remember to make that extra effort to plan romantic time together away from the house and kids, keeping fresh all of those reasons you got together in the first place
5) lastly, everyone should always learn to be gracious about any gift that was given with good intentions (like yours)

Best wishes, OP, I do you think your intentions were good and at the very least, she should acknowledge and thank you for that, and then she should also apologize right back to you for her overreacting to the situation. Rarely are things ever just one side's fault and both need to look to the part they played in the situation.

 

[mjkacmom]

I appreciate the kind thoughts and words. Again I am sure she got me something she is(was) waiting until later to day to give me a present. To all of those who said not to get her red roses again, believe me I will never purchase another red rose in my life, not for her, not for my mother funeral (which is hopefully a long time away), not if I get divorced and find a new wife who loves red roses, I will never buy another red rose. I am tempted to take the red roses a co worker got and trash them just be cause I dont want to see them. Also Yes, I am sharing much more here than I would with her, that is part of the problem, if I communicated these thoughts and feelings to her she would blow up at me, and it would not be pretty. Is she obsessive compulsive? She watches Jon & Kate plus 8 and comments how she and Kate could be such good friends because they are exactly alike ( and we only have 2 kids). I look at how miserabel Jon seems and say to myself I feel your pain buddy.

You need to talk to your wife, not just "take it" and take it out passive/aggressively. You need to tell her what things she does bother you, not in the moment, but in a calm, private talk. You remind me of my DH, and the fact that he won't argue with me, over anything, drives me insane (as does his passive/aggressive behavior). He admits to having a hard time communicating - he'd rather just ignore issues, and hope they go away. Maybe one of the reasons your wife blows up, and I assume verbally attacks you, over even little things, is she wants you to open up. Her issues this morning had nothing to do with flowers, you know.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Well, that really stinks! She sounds like a lot of fun. Cough. I'll take the roses! I'm not a big flower fan either, and I like yellow roses best too. But it's all about red on Valentines day, generally speaking.

Does she like pizza? Maybe you could order one for dinner. Make extra sure you get it exactly the way she wants it.