Hypothetical texting scenario between 2 married people

[VeganCupcake]

OMG! Ok this morning he went to the gym, I confronted him he said he's going to the boxing gym(which I would be fine with but don't believe) All of a sudden I had just remembered that he has an old phone here that he doesn't use anymore. I went into it and there are like 20 calls in one day to and from this woman and none of the emails are erased. I'm going to put the phone back where I found it(he has no reason to bring it with him) and look at it more once DS is in school and he is at work. I'm livid!

 

[Mermaid02]

OMG! Ok this morning he went to the gym, I confronted him he said he's going to the boxing gym(which I would be fine with but don't believe) All of a sudden I had just remembered that he has an old phone here that he doesn't use anymore. I went into it and there are like 20 calls in one day to and from this woman and none of the emails are erased. I'm going to put the phone back where I found it(he has no reason to bring it with him) and look at it more once DS is in school and he is at work. I'm livid!

As I've said, I am going through something very similar. I feel for you. I'm so tired of being angry and hurt I can't even tell you!

 

[DisneyFan32WI]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I have no advice, but lots of virtual for you.

Vent away! That is what we are here for.

 

[Disney Doll]

OP, it's pretty simple.
Go with your gut.
Protect yourself and prepare.
Don't tip your hand until you have protected yourself and prepared.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

OMG! Ok this morning he went to the gym, I confronted him he said he's going to the boxing gym(which I would be fine with but don't believe) All of a sudden I had just remembered that he has an old phone here that he doesn't use anymore. I went into it and there are like 20 calls in one day to and from this woman and none of the emails are erased. I'm going to put the phone back where I found it(he has no reason to bring it with him) and look at it more once DS is in school and he is at work. I'm livid!

Well, just take it moment by moment and at this point as DDoll says do not tip your hand. Your silence with him is going to be your best asset unfortunately.

Since you say your dh is "arrogant at times" he MIGHT actually do things in order to entice you to continue to snoop and then get a kick out of denying it.

It is like a game of cat and mouse.

Remember when someone is cheating they have played "getting caught" in their minds many times, preparing themselves, unlike you who would be in shock that this is happening.

I hope that the emails are not about him cheating. Fingers crossed here for you.

 

[tarzansmom]

OMG! Ok this morning he went to the gym, I confronted him he said he's going to the boxing gym(which I would be fine with but don't believe) All of a sudden I had just remembered that he has an old phone here that he doesn't use anymore. I went into it and there are like 20 calls in one day to and from this woman and none of the emails are erased. I'm going to put the phone back where I found it(he has no reason to bring it with him) and look at it more once DS is in school and he is at work. I'm livid!

((Hugs)) I agree with the others. You have to protect yourself. You might want to see an attorney, find out what steps you must take to separate your finances, siphon any extra into accts that only you have access to, etc. and get checked out medically. If he is cheating, he could have exposed you to something. Better to be safe than sorry.

 

[Jennasis]

I'm so sorry OP. It seems the writing is on the wall. Get yourself a pitbull of an attorney and get your ducks in a row.

 

[goofyintoronto]

I'm so sorry OP. It seems the writing is on the wall. Get yourself a pitbull of an attorney and get your ducks in a row.

Yes, good idea. So sorry youre going thru this OP.

 

[cheerful chickadee]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I usually see people say "get your ducks in a row" and think it's premature, but in this case it might be wise to do some of the things people have suggested to protect yourself.

 

[OceanAnnie]

OMG! Ok this morning he went to the gym, I confronted him he said he's going to the boxing gym(which I would be fine with but don't believe) All of a sudden I had just remembered that he has an old phone here that he doesn't use anymore. I went into it and there are like 20 calls in one day to and from this woman and none of the emails are erased. I'm going to put the phone back where I found it(he has no reason to bring it with him) and look at it more once DS is in school and he is at work. I'm livid!

20 calls in 1 day. E-mails too.

Please take Disney Dolls advice. Get your ducks in a row now. Don't tip your hand. Gather as much evidence as you can and put it in a safe place, maybe your Stepmother will hold a folder for you. Definitely get hard copy -- records of phone and texts from your carrier. Get it sent to your Stepmother's house. Also be careful about your husband finding this thread. Then he would be on to what you do know.

Vent here. Stay strong and act cool. Whatever you do, don't tip your hand about what you know. Keep digging and gathering. Good luck. I'm sorry things aren't looking so good.

 

[Bnb0627]

Haven't read all the replies just the OP's posts so if I repeat something already said my bad.

I would check the phone bill. Look for phone numbers you don't recognize, and that are repeated often or at certain times of the day/night that you are not around.

This is just a guess but maybe DH is seeking attention. Perhaps his self esteem is low( and yes even guys who seem confident and cocky) and likes the attention from other women. Maybe it makes him feel important and wanted. The being sneaky part can also be exciting and adventurous even if all he is doing is flirting.


Flirtatious behavior is normal for some people but they must know how to set boundaries and protect themselves from unwanted advances by others.

Also, if its not something your DH would say/do in front of you then it's wrong.

Anyway, I'm so sorry you are going through this. Go with your gut, and stay strong.

 

[Nancyg56]

I'm so sorry OP. It seems the writing is on the wall. Get yourself a pitbull of an attorney and get your ducks in a row.

I agree. And as others have already said, do not let him know that you found that phone or that you are still suspicious. He has already proven he knows how to hide his activity so don't give him reason to hide your financial information or to liquidate it until you have all of your assets documented properly.

I have never understood how one spouse would degrade another and even if he was never pursuing a relationship he has compromised your trust and has treated you with tremendous disrespect.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I wonder how long this has been going on.

I'm also wondering about the other woman. I think she knew the OP's husband is married and she asked the neighbor about it to set about a chain reaction. Maybe she wanted her questions to get back to the OP. Maybe she thought it would break up the marriage so she could have him. It was a bold and reckless thing to do if she didn't have a plan.

I would be a walking flame, but OP you have to hide your emotions so you can get everything together. You have a window of opportunity to look out for yourself. Take advantage of it. Once the cat is out of the bag, it will be too late.

 

[RadioNate]

OP - I know you looked up the woman and said "no way." Based on her age or something. However, I will tell you that people almost universally "affair down." The affair partner is almost never as appealing as the spouse on any level.

It is hard to get to this point but please know it isn't about you. There is nothing wrong with you. IF he is cheating, it isn't your fault. You weren't a bad wife or partner or anything like that. There is something wrong with him.

Yes, in time, you can look at both of your behavior but THIS is all on him. There are 100s of other ways to better handle problems in marriages than cheating on your spouse.

 

[diznygirl]

Sorry to hear about the update. So much for trying to be optimistic.
I can't come up with any good reason he has that many calls in one day from this woman on a phone that is supposedly no longer used.

((Hugs))

 

[cheerful chickadee]

the more I think about this, the more mad I get for you! What nerve your husband has to do this right under your nose, hooking up or even just flirting with someone at a gym where you know people. He knows that you know someone that works there, what balls it takes to do that to you. And to leave that phone at home with all that evidence on it, like you weren't ever going to find it. omg, girl....I'd say don't let him know what evidence you have until you take some precautions (bank account in your name, etc.) but I don't know if I'd be able to keep any of this in, I'd probably not be able to resist the urge to grab that frying pan when he walks in the house. And he went back to the gym today, he can't go more than 2 days without going especially with the situation that's going on between you two right now? No bueno.

 

[goofyintoronto]

Now that I think about it, 20 calls a day seems a bit excessive, no? I honestly dont think i've ever called someone 20 times in a day, ever in my life. That just seems odd. Why would you call someone that often? And how does he find the time for so many phone calls? So sorry OP.

 

[horseshowmom]

Thanks.

I wanted to add that I don't think the voice activated recorder is a bad idea. Once I was "onto" the affair my exDH had a burner cel phone so they could communicate. Before that it was a gmail and gchat account. He lied to cover his tracks. I think people, when they want to believe that things will be ok underestimate the amount of lying the spouse is willing to do. I think I'm actually MORE appalled by that than I am the actual physical affair, that becomes secondary to the complete betrayal of trust. That I know there were entire days that when I asked "how was work" I got COMPLETE lies because he didn't even go to work.
I also want to caution anyone against thinking that if people knew he was married he couldn't cheat. While I do see it as a red flag in his behavior. BOTH my ex's affair partners knew he was married. The second one was married herself. He also wore a ring. Didn't matter.

As a single person I am hit on ALL THE TIME by married men. Men who sob story their "awful" wives. Men who I am friends with their wives. Only once, (as his married friend desperately tried to inappropriately dance w/my friend and I) has a guy said he was married and wasn't comfortable w/the situation.

I had a friend who divorced a couple of years ago after 28 years of marriage due to infidelity. One of the things that shocked her the most was the depth and magnitude of the lies that had gone on for years. She had the same thing about asking about work and getting pretty detailed descriptions (he owns two businesses). Come to find out, he was frequently not even at work. She had found out about one affair but honestly thought they had worked through it. She had no idea that there are been affairs prior to that and afterwards until she caught him in the last one.

She was also astonished at the number of men who came on to her after her separation/divorce. She said some of these men she had known for years and was shocked. One of them offered to bring her son (who was graduating law school) into his fairly lucrative practice if she was interested in becoming even better friends. She said after dealing with her divorce, this type of behavior left her questioning whether anybody was sane anymore.

OP - I know you looked up the woman and said "no way." Based on her age or something. However, I will tell you that people almost universally "affair down." The affair partner is almost never as appealing as the spouse on any level.

It is hard to get to this point but please know it isn't about you. There is nothing wrong with you. IF he is cheating, it isn't your fault. You weren't a bad wife or partner or anything like that. There is something wrong with him.

Yes, in time, you can look at both of your behavior but THIS is all on him. There are 100s of other ways to better handle problems in marriages than cheating on your spouse.

I knew a young woman several years ago who was really a very pretty woman. She found out that her husband was cheating and at one point had a conversation with that woman (don't remember how that came about). The other woman actually said to her that she really didn't understand why the husband was with her because she was overweight and nowhere near as attractive as the wife, but he was nonetheless. I knew the couple, and the wife adored the husband. She just couldn't understand. The truth was that it wasn't about her. The husband actually died before they resolved the issue (undiagnosed severe heart issue), and she had a hard time working through the anger and grief.

 

[sam_gordon]

I knew a young woman several years ago who was really a very pretty woman. She found out that her husband was cheating and at one point had a conversation with that woman (don't remember how that came about). The other woman actually said to her that she really didn't understand why the husband was with her because she was overweight and nowhere near as attractive as the wife, but he was nonetheless. I knew the couple, and the wife adored the husband. She just couldn't understand. The truth was that it wasn't about her. The husband actually died before they resolved the issue (undiagnosed severe heart issue), and she had a hard time working through the anger and grief.

First, this is not an excuse to condone cheating.

I wonder if part of the "reason" is the cheater (of either sex) is thinking "hey, someone wants me/finds me attractive". The feeling of being wanted can be powerful. A (probably poor) example... you have a job. Another similar job opens up and you apply. Getting the job offer (at least to me) is a "high". The new job may be worse hours, worse pay, or even better but with other downsides and you turn it down. But being "accepted" by someone else could be one reason "why". I hope this makes sense.

 

[horseshowmom]

First, this is not an excuse to condone cheating.

I wonder if part of the "reason" is the cheater (of either sex) is thinking "hey, someone wants me/finds me attractive". The feeling of being wanted can be powerful. A (probably poor) example... you have a job. Another similar job opens up and you apply. Getting the job offer (at least to me) is a "high". The new job may be worse hours, worse pay, or even better but with other downsides and you turn it down. But being "accepted" by someone else could be one reason "why". I hope this makes sense.

It does make sense, and I think you are spot on about this being why it happens very often. The sad thing is that you would think grown ups who have entered a marriage contract would be past that - at the very least have enough self-control to not be swayed into inappropriate behavior. And, as we said before, it really backs up the premise that it's not the injured spouse so much as it reflects on the cheater and their need for attention.

Of course, I'm pretty conservative and don't think there's a place in a marriage for flirting with other people. My husband agrees with me. He was previously married to somebody who thought flirting was fun, and it didn't turn out well.