Hypothetical texting scenario between 2 married people

[Bluestars]

She wouldn't have to tell him or anyone that she's done it. If they have have teenaged drivers, she could do it and then claim she was keeping track of her minor children.
I sure as heck would and keep a journal. I might also park somewhere and take pictures. If a person doesn't feel comfortable doing this, they could rent a car and keep it parked nearby. When spouse leaves, follow in the rental car.

I also wouldn't be opposed to driving to the gym and watching the parking lot. Four hours a day working out is extreme. When you add the other behavior to it, then it's very suspicious. Of course if the husband calls her to see if she's at home, then driving to the gym might clue him in that he's being watched.

 

[aaarcher86]

I think the tracking device legal issue can depend on the state. Just like recording phone calls - some states both parties have to know, and some only one party (the recording party) has to know.

I will say, that if you're at the point of tracking devices, key loggers on the computer, and hiring PI's there isn't much that is going to repair the relationship at that point. The trust is gone.

 

[Bluestars]

I think the tracking device legal issue can depend on the state. Just like recording phone calls - some states both parties have to know, and some only one party (the recording party) has to know.

I will say, that if you're at the point of tracking devices, key loggers on the computer, and hiring PI's there isn't much that is going to repair the relationship at that point. The trust is gone.

The problem is that the text message can be explained away. The calls may even be explained away. Sometimes a person needs something more concrete to walk away from a marriage, especially if kids are involved. So sometimes more information is necessary in order to make the break. IMO.

 

[dawnhaze]

I will say, that if you're at the point of tracking devices, key loggers on the computer, and hiring PI's there isn't much that is going to repair the relationship at that point. The trust is gone.

This, so much. If I was married to someone who put a tracking device on my car or a key logger on my computer, that marriage would be over. You either trust someone or you don't. Just my opinion.

 

[cabanafrau]

The problem is that the text message can be explained away. The calls may even be explained away. Sometimes a person needs something more concrete to walk away from a marriage, especially if kids are involved. So sometimes more information is necessary in order to make the break. IMO.

When people are willing to accept explanations, they don't want to make the break or aren't ready to make the break.

When people actively start seeking out evidence they either want to make the break after protecting themselves, or they're hoping to prove their doubts wrong. Lots of people stay in it even after their doubts are proven reality. The heart wants what the heart wants.

 

[aaarcher86]

The problem is that the text message can be explained away. The calls may even be explained away. Sometimes a person needs something more concrete to walk away from a marriage, especially if kids are involved. So sometimes more information is necessary in order to make the break. IMO.

Oh sure. I'd never get a divorce over text messages or a phone call or something.

I just think you either trust someone or you don't. If you believe what he said, let it go. If you don't... I guess you do what you gotta do. IMO someone is going to cheat if they want to. I'm not going to chase someone around - it will come out. I don't have the time.

My Uncle did the whole following, email checking, phone checking thing with his now ex wife (and she was cheating - for 2 years!) but naturally every time he followed her it was nothing. Checked, there was nothing. He found out by chance one day. Seemed like a lot of time wasted he could be with his kids, or working, or doing something productive to me.

 

[cheerful chickadee]

just coming to check on the OP, haven't heard from her in a bit, hope everything is ok

 

[Halloweenqueen]

I would check with state laws before trying to record anyone. My uncle's wife left him for another guy. Their divorce was finalized and he won physical custody. His wife was between boyfriends and asked him if she could stay at his house on her visitation weekends. He agreed and stayed at his brother's on those days.

A couple months into this arrangement he started to notice things were missing from the home. Plus his oldest told him that mom was having a guy friend at the house. My uncle set up a camera in his living room, similar to a nanny can.

He found out that the wife was bringing in a guy, as well as a bunch of other interesting friends. He confronted her and she denied it. He told her about the camera in a fit of anger. Later that day the police came and questioned him. A day later they came and arrested him. He was charged with a felony. It took him almost a year and many thousands if dollars to clear him. It seems it is illegal to tape someone without their consent in his state.

Be careful!

 

[Tuffcookie]

just coming to check on the OP, haven't heard from her in a bit, hope everything is ok

If the OP is smart, she will stop giving us updates. Now that he knows she is suspicious he could be keeping tabs on her, including any web sites she frequents.

TC

 

[Bluestars]

Oh sure. I'd never get a divorce over text messages or a phone call or something.

I just think you either trust someone or you don't. If you believe what he said, let it go. If you don't... I guess you do what you gotta do. IMO someone is going to cheat if they want to. I'm not going to chase someone around - it will come out. I don't have the time.

My Uncle did the whole following, email checking, phone checking thing with his now ex wife (and she was cheating - for 2 years!) but naturally every time he followed her it was nothing. Checked, there was nothing. He found out by chance one day. Seemed like a lot of time wasted he could be with his kids, or working, or doing something productive to me.

What about the spouses who really are cheating? Should their wives or husbands trust every word they say without trying to find out more information? Another problem is that when a cheater is confronted, the cheater usually lies. So again, should the spouse trust the answer?

So your uncle was right. Maybe he needed confirmation. There's nothing wrong with seeking additional information when signs point to cheating. A person shouldn't feel guilty for doing what it takes to protect her health or emotional well being. A cheating spouse can bring home an STD or HIV. I think it would be unwise to ignore signs of cheating and just trust your spouse, just like I think it's unwise to immediately jump to conclusions.

 

[aaarcher86]

What about the spouses who really are cheating? Should their wives or husbands trust every word they say without trying to find out more information? Another problem is that when a cheater is confronted, the cheater usually lies. So again, should the spouse trust the answer?

So your uncle was right. Maybe he needed confirmation. There's nothing wrong with seeking additional information when signs point to cheating. A person shouldn't feel guilty for doing what it takes to protect her health or emotionally well being. A cheating spouse can bring home an STD or HIV. I think it would be unwise to ignore signs of cheating and just trust your spouse, just like I think it's unwise to immediately jump to conclusions.

Sure, spouses can lie about cheating. Whether the spouse trusts the answer or not is up to them.

If someone wants to follow someone around, plant recording devices, and check text messages to dig a little deeper that's totally up to them as well. I just think it's a waste of time if you're at the point where you've lost enough trust to take it to that level. Does anyone really feel better about the situation when they do things like that? I just think it ends up driving the person doing the hunting crazy in the long run. If they don't find anything, when do they stop? They'll always be suspicious. I don't think you can trust someone any less than 100%. If you don't trust their explanation, there's probably a deeper reason.

I just wouldn't go through the trouble, personally. I'm not judging someone who does, but I do think that they're hoping it will bring some kind of comfort or closure and more times than not they're disappointed.

 

[Nancyg56]

Sure, spouses can lie about cheating. Whether the spouse trusts the answer or not is up to them.

If someone wants to follow someone around, plant recording devices, and check text messages to dig a little deeper that's totally up to them as well. I just think it's a waste of time if you're at the point where you've lost enough trust to take it to that level. Does anyone really feel better about the situation when they do things like that? I just think it ends up driving the person doing the hunting crazy in the long run. If they don't find anything, when do they stop? They'll always be suspicious. I don't think you can trust someone any less than 100%. If you don't trust their explanation, there's probably a deeper reason.

I just wouldn't go through the trouble, personally. I'm not judging someone who does, but I do think that they're hoping it will bring some kind of comfort or closure and more times than not they're disappointed.

I am with you on this. If I was s suspicions of my spouse that I felt the need to investigate him it would be because of his behavior. I would not want to live with a man whose behavior was such that I could not trust him. At that point our marriage wold be over. I would not need "proof". The only proof I would need was how I was treated by my husband and the kind of treatment that would make me so vulnerable that i was checking up on him would not be acceptable to me.

 

[Halloweenqueen]

Any update, OP?

 

[VeganCupcake]

Oh my goodness! I swear the universe has just been working against me posting! I had this these huge posts typed up a few times and every time something happened, one time DH came home unexpectedly, one time I accidently closed the webpage, and another time my DS did! Grrrr! I didn't want everyone to think I was a fake poster (like the 7 months pregnant thread we all got sucked into )

Ok So after I found the phone and all the phone calls, I really tried to take everyone's advice and keep "my hand hidden" but it did not work. I flipped, like flipppppped out. I typed up all of the records and busted into his job and asked him if he could take a break. He tried talking and explaining and every time he said anything I had something sarcastic to say, I was just so so sooo angry and hurt. So I left his job and look to my right while I'm driving home and who is next to me in traffic? HIM! So he follows me home and forced me to listen, he opened his email from the time of the calls, and low and behold (and I'd rather have egg on my vegan face then have a husband who is having an affair for sure) there is no way anything was going on, he showed me everything. The phone call log also records messages as phone calls as well(he proved this- so what looked liked 20 calls in one day was maybe 4 calls and text messages) . The woman is a principal at a school, and was trying to help him get into GED classes(he has always had good jobs, but he wants to be able to go further and be able to tell our son he did it when he gets older). The emails proved way beyond a reasonable doubt that there was 110% nothing going on. He still apologized for the weird text between him and her, because he wouldn't want me(innocent or not) giving him reason to doubt me.

So that problem is taken care of. I asked him why he felt "ashamed" since there was nothing going on and he said it was for the way he made me feel. He doesn't want me to feel like he is cheating.

We still have the issue of the gym behavior to address. The gym membership is canceled, but its the attitude is what worried me. However the more and more I think about it, when I met him and he was single we worked out at the same gym(I worked right next door to it) and I always saw him keeping to himself working out like a lunatic, and even when we moved and started at a newer gym my friends/family/coworkers(lots of athletes/police/health gurus in my circle of friends, I'm not a gym rat haha) would always say "oh I saw your DH at the gym, he is always so focused on his workout." so it's a little weird that he would behave a certain way at a gym knowing my parents would absolutely tell me if there neighbor said something weird to them.
Either way we both know that we have some issues to work on in our relationship. I don't know what happened, when we were first together I felt super confident (not arrogant) and over the years I just have been feeling more and more insecure. So obviously that is something that I need to work out as well. I did it! I'm going to post this and nothing is going to stop me!

 

[cabanafrau]

Oh my goodness! I swear the universe has just been working against me posting! I had this these huge posts typed up a few times and every time something happened, one time DH came home unexpectedly, one time I accidently closed the webpage, and another time my DS did! Grrrr! I didn't want everyone to think I was a fake poster (like the 7 months pregnant thread we all got sucked into )

Ok So after I found the phone and all the phone calls, I really tried to take everyone's advice and keep "my hand hidden" but it did not work. I flipped, like flipppppped out. I typed up all of the records and busted into his job and asked him if he could take a break. He tried talking and explaining and every time he said anything I had something sarcastic to say, I was just so so sooo angry and hurt. So I left his job and look to my right while I'm driving home and who is next to me in traffic? HIM! So he follows me home and forced me to listen, he opened his email from the time of the calls, and low and behold (and I'd rather have egg on my vegan face then have a husband who is having an affair for sure) there is no way anything was going on, he showed me everything. The phone call log also records messages as phone calls as well(he proved this- so what looked liked 20 calls in one day was maybe 4 calls and text messages) . The woman is a principal at a school, and was trying to help him get into GED classes(he has always had good jobs, but he wants to be able to go further and be able to tell our son he did it when he gets older). The emails proved way beyond a reasonable doubt that there was 110% nothing going on. He still apologized for the weird text between him and her, because he wouldn't want me(innocent or not) giving him reason to doubt me.

So that problem is taken care of. I asked him why he felt "ashamed" since there was nothing going on and he said it was for the way he made me feel. He doesn't want me to feel like he is cheating.

We still have the issue of the gym behavior to address. The gym membership is canceled, but its the attitude is what worried me. However the more and more I think about it, when I met him and he was single we worked out at the same gym(I worked right next door to it) and I always saw him keeping to himself working out like a lunatic, and even when we moved and started at a newer gym my friends/family/coworkers(lots of athletes/police/health gurus in my circle of friends, I'm not a gym rat haha) would always say "oh I saw your DH at the gym, he is always so focused on his workout." so it's a little weird that he would behave a certain way at a gym knowing my parents would absolutely tell me if there neighbor said something weird to them.
Either way we both know that we have some issues to work on in our relationship. I don't know what happened, when we were first together I felt super confident (not arrogant) and over the years I just have been feeling more and more insecure. So obviously that is something that I need to work out as well. I did it! I'm going to post this and nothing is going to stop me!

Great to know everything is all tidied up so quickly.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Thanks for the update and I hope you can work things out.

 

[VeganCupcake]

Great to know everything is all tidied up so quickly.

Yeah for sure, I am glad that I just got it over with because now I feel much better.

Thanks for the update and I hope you can work things out.

Thank you, me too!

 

[goofyintoronto]

Oh my goodness! I swear the universe has just been working against me posting! I had this these huge posts typed up a few times and every time something happened, one time DH came home unexpectedly, one time I accidently closed the webpage, and another time my DS did! Grrrr! I didn't want everyone to think I was a fake poster (like the 7 months pregnant thread we all got sucked into )

To be honest, that did cross my mind!! We've all been duped and scarred! LOL!

Im glad everything worked out. Thanks for the update!

 

[VeganCupcake]

To be honest, that did cross my mind!! We've all been duped and scarred! LOL!

I know right! I wanted to start a new user name for privacy, but I didn't want anyone to think it was a fake post! Everyone please know I'm a real person! I have way too much to do in real life to make up fake scenarios for an online Disney forum!

 

[aaarcher86]

Glad it all worked out for you

Hopefully you can get to the root of why you have feelings like that and solve it just as quickly.