Help! I don't know if I should call Child Protective Services?!

[canfield77]

but, remember, unless you live with them, its hard to know whats REALLY going on, kwim?

I agree with this, but we did live with them for a short time, so we have a little idea. Things could have changed since them, of course, but I have an idea of how much BIL smokes, and how little food is in the house.

Is their dad in the picture?

Their Dad is sort of in the picture. He doesn't see them much, and isn't around much. He actually just came back from a six year stint of not seeing or talking to any of his kids. DH and I have both (tried) talking to DMIL and Father in law, as well as BIL. Nothing changes.

 

[Disneycrazy!!]

I would call them. The boy needs help and the mother needs a wake up call.

There is alot of steps taken before they remove a child from a home, we have been thru it with my husbands ex wife...it took forever to get custody of his daughter.

 

[canfield77]

At the very least, I would take food over there on a weekly basis so your BIL can eat. Depending on his mother's circumstances, he may be eligible for free lunch at school. Some schools even have breakfast available.

You might want to invite the BIL over for dinner or something and have your husband have a heart to heart conversation with him. He might open up to your husband.

I don't see anything wrong with calling CPS. It sounds like something needs to be done before it's too late. You are a good SIL for caring.

We give BIL money for lunch whenever we can, and try to get him to come over to our house for some good meals. He doesn't come over much anymore though, because he just wants to be home so he can have a smoke. He smokes a cigarette at least once an hour, and I refuse to buy him any. She can't get free lunch at school because she makes too much money. DMIL told us that herself, when we suggested it. We've tried having some deep conversations with BIL, I'm actually closer to him than DH is. He is having none of it about the smokes, insisting that it is fine. He coughs and is sick a lot, and he never was before he smoked, but insists that 'he doesn't know why he is sick all the time'. And he is says that there is no food, and tells us about it, but what can he do? And as far as bringing food over to their house, well, DMIL gets pretty mad about that, cause I'm 'stepping on her toes'. She'll even go so far as to send us food via her other son, such as hams and things that she got for the holidays. We always shake our heads at this!!!!! Give your kids the ham!!!!

 

[canfield77]

You are a good SIL for caring

Thanks!

 

[Bluestars]

Canfield, that is so sad! Some schools have a tab for lunches where you can pay a certain amount and he will not have to bring money on a daily basis. Maybe his school does this.

If the MIL won't let you bring over food, the only other thing I can think of is to get him gift cards to places like Subway or to the grocery store so he can get food when he is hungry. That is heartbreaking that he has to go without food.

It sounds like he is using smoking as a form of dealing with his stress. I feel so sorry for him.

Maybe calling CPS is the only thing left to do.

 

[Planogirl]

Smoking shouldn't cause him to lose weight or do poorly in school. It likely hasn't affected his health yet either even though it sure might down the road. (That is barring allergies and such things.) The lack of food is more troubling IMO.

 

[Tink888]

It sounds an awful lot like your biggest issue is with your BIL smoking and that's a valid concern but it's not enough of an issue to call CYS IMHO. How do you know that the Mom isn't giving him lunch money and instead of buying lunch, he's buying cigarettes? Have you been to the house regularly and seen that there is consistently not food in the house? A lot of teens are skinny, doesn't necessarily mean they aren't eating. You stated the Mom dropped them off at a family function and left them to their own devices to find a way home. Were there not family members there who could get these kids home?

How old is the sister? At 16 your BIL is at an age where he's capable of making some decisions on his own. Sounds like he's making some bad ones. That doesn't necessarily mean his mom is neglecting him, for example, if the boy wants to smoke, she can't follow him around 24 hours a day to ensure that he doesn't. Also, at 16, your BIL needs to own his irresponsible decisions and take some responsibility for himself, particularly where his grades are concerned.

As you said in another post, once you call CYS and start down that road, you cannot turn back. For me, based on what you wrote, that wouldn't be enough for me to involve CYS. It would be enough for me to visit the house more frequently. It would be enough for me to have a sit-down with the boy's mother, for all you know, she might feel like she's losing control of her son and feels overwhelmed by that. It would most certainly be enough to sit down with the boy and have a LONG, LONG talk about the decisions that he is making today and how those decisions are going to affect him now and in the future. And at the very most, I might contact the school and ask to speak with a guidance counselor about the boy's situation. If his attendance and grades are as bad as you say, the school is most certainly aware of that.

The kid is 16. Not a small child and not a man. Does he possibly need a little intervention on his behalf? Yes. Does he need CYS becoming involved and possible placing him in the foster care system? No, not in my opinion, not based on what you wrote.

 

[DizBelle]

Whatever you decide to do, make sure your DH is on board or it could have negative ramifications to your marriage. Your DH should be driving the bus on this one.

 

[dmslush]

I work for CPS and here would be my concerns as a case manager:

Lots of teenagers smoke..... but, she is buying him cigarettes and allowing him to smoke in her home/presence. Therefore she is providing him with/allowing him to use a 'drug' that could be detrimental to his health. That is classified as drug exposed child.

No food in the house, not supplying them with lunch money (or other alternatives for lunch). That is nutritional neglect.

Dropping them off places with no plan in place for them to make it safely home. That is lack of supervision.

Now, would I remove any child for these things? Probably not.. I mean, it is going to take a bunch more than that for me to feel that the children would be safer in foster care or for me to convince my supervisors and attorney that the children need to go to foster care.

If this was my case, I would go in and assess the entire family situation, I give parenting skills to the mother, I would put the child in a tobacco cessation class. I would educate the mother on robotripping (drinking cough/cold meds to get high/make you sleep), and make sure the child had NO access to any cough/cold meds!

I would find out why there is not food in the home, and rectify that situation. I would check about the children having an account at school set up by the mother to ensure they have lunch money. I would help the family find their natural support system in case the children need a way home (I would utilize your husband being the oldest sibling). I would then monitor the situation with unannounced home and school visits and collateral contacts.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

He is 16. If he is hungry he can get a job. As far as smoking, a lot of teens smoke.

I am going against the popular grain here and I would tell you to MYOB.

Yes, it sounds like the situation sucks to the max but a 16 is capable of figuring out how he is going to go forward.

Probably not the most popular opinion here.

I would try and keep in touch and "counsel" him if you can. Let him know that you are there for him.

 

[Carly_Roach]

Hi everyone, I'm new here on the DIS, just joined about a week or two ago. I don't have anyone to discuss this with, and needed some advice on a touchy subject. My BIL, Erik, is 16 years old. He lives with his sister, Brittany, and his mom. His mom smokes about two packs a day, and lets Erik smoke as well. She buys him cigarettes, and he probably smokes a pack or more a day and has for some time now. It is starting to be detrimental to his health as well as his quality of life. He doesn't do anything with his family or friends anymore, because doing so would prevent him from getting a cigarette. He used to come over to our house and hang out quite a bit, but now he never does unless someone who smokes will be here to give him cigarettes. He is sick all the time and misses A LOT of school. Consequently, he is probably going to fail tenth grade. At this point, he would have to get A's on all his tests from here to the end of the school year, and he would just barely pass. And he keeps missing school, so that will probably not happen. Also, she hardly ever keeps food in the house. Brittany and Erik never eat any breakfast because she doesn't buy anything to eat. She also doesn't give them any money for lunch, so they end up eating off of their friend's plates at school. They are both really skinny. All Erik and his mom do is smoke cigarettes and drink coffee. Their mom makes good money too, she just doesn't care I guess. She dropped them off at a family get together and went bar hopping tonight. That in of itself isn't too bad, except she shouldn't be spending money on alcoholic drinks if she can't buy food for her kids! She left them to find their own way home. I don't know what to do, I feel like the right thing would be to call Child Protective Services, but I don't want them to go into foster care and be miserable and take them away from their family and everything. I would take them in a heartbeat but I live in a two bedroom rental cottage with my son and husband, and I don't know if they would let me take care of them without a bedroom for them. This has been going on for some time, and I've been on the fence about what to do, but the other night I saw Erik telling his friends on Facebook that he was down to his last cigarette so he was going to drink NyQuil and go back to sleep even though he just woke up, because he couldn't stand to go without one. So I think the situation might be getting worse. My husband and I have tried to talk to his mom about it, but she just tells us that "there's nothing she can do", "mind our own business", or that "everything is fine". Should I call Child Protective Services, or should I just "Mind my own Business"????? Please any comments are appreciated!

Without reading any other posts and basing my opinion on this post only, I say "Mind your own business".

My rationale for that is the fact that you were harping on the smoking in 80% of this post and threw in the idea that they had no food as an afterthought. Most people would be more concerned about children not getting enough to eat rather that going on and on about smoking and their mother who was at a party drinking. This makes me think your real goal is controlling people's habits as opposed to being concerned about someone's health and welfare due to lack of food.

This is your DH's brother. Let him handle it. If he doesn't think it's that big of a deal, then take your cues from him and MYOB.

 

[Carly_Roach]

After reading all the other posts, I'm sticking by my original opinion. This is none of your business. The "children" involved here are 16, 17 & 18 and I'm sure they've been bombarded with messages about the dangers of smoking from the first day they arrived on this planet. If they choose to smoke, then that's their decision.

Whatever you decide to do, make sure your DH is on board or it could have negative ramifications to your marriage. Your DH should be driving the bus on this one.

I totally agree. If CPS arrives after you've been the only one in your family to be vocal about the situation, they're going to know it was you. Hope you're prepared for horrific fallout over sticking your nose in where it didn't belong.

Perhaps the old saying applies here: If you have to ask total strangers if your actions are/were correct, then the answer is no.

He is 16. If he is hungry he can get a job. As far as smoking, a lot of teens smoke.

I am going against the popular grain here and I would tell you to MYOB.

Yes, it sounds like the situation sucks to the max but a 16 is capable of figuring out how he is going to go forward.

Probably not the most popular opinion here.

I would try and keep in touch and "counsel" him if you can. Let him know that you are there for him.

I'll agree with this. By all means be there as a support line, but stop trying to control other people by calling the state on them simply because they or their parents are not behaving the way you think they should.

That's my advice.

 

[Magic Mom]

I think you should stay out of it. If you are concerned that they aren't eating, set a few nights a week and have them over for dinner. If the 16 YO won't come, then he's not starving. If you call CPS a couple of things could happen. CPS could find no real neglect, and the kids stay home. In that case, your relationship with them is for the most past ruined. CPS could find neglect and send the kids to foster care. Do you want them in foster care? Think hard if that is really a better suituation. The 16YO will most definitely STILL smoke. The may have a better stocked pantry, but their family will be torn apart.

If it were me, I would make it a routine to have them over for meals. Invite them to join in on family activities. Offer small paid jobs around the house to lure them over. Once with you, feed them and engage them in positive conversations.

 

[mjkacmom]

Well, I grew up in an upper middle class home, both of my parents smoked, as did I (I was 15, and smoking in the house and outside the house). My parents didn't buy them for me - I used my lunch money. We did have food in the house. I was sort of a rebel, and would cut classes too.

As a teen smoker, I can tell you that his behavior really has nothing to do with smoking - something else is going on.

BTW, I now have a post graduate education, a lovely family, and haven't smoked in years.

 

[luvsJack]

I work for CPS and here would be my concerns as a case manager:

Lots of teenagers smoke..... but, she is buying him cigarettes and allowing him to smoke in her home/presence. Therefore she is providing him with/allowing him to use a 'drug' that could be detrimental to his health. That is classified as drug exposed child.

No food in the house, not supplying them with lunch money (or other alternatives for lunch). That is nutritional neglect.

Dropping them off places with no plan in place for them to make it safely home. That is lack of supervision.

Now, would I remove any child for these things? Probably not.. I mean, it is going to take a bunch more than that for me to feel that the children would be safer in foster care or for me to convince my supervisors and attorney that the children need to go to foster care.

If this was my case, I would go in and assess the entire family situation, I give parenting skills to the mother, I would put the child in a tobacco cessation class. I would educate the mother on robotripping (drinking cough/cold meds to get high/make you sleep), and make sure the child had NO access to any cough/cold meds!

I would find out why there is not food in the home, and rectify that situation. I would check about the children having an account at school set up by the mother to ensure they have lunch money. I would help the family find their natural support system in case the children need a way home (I would utilize your husband being the oldest sibling). I would then monitor the situation with unannounced home and school visits and collateral contacts.

This sounds like the best thing that could happen to your bil, OP--I say call.

If the problem is enough that the OP is this concerned, why would anyone say MYOB? If there is really no problem as some are suggesting then its not going to hurt anything or anyone, only waste a bit of time of the case worker. If the case worker sees a problem (like the poster I quoted sees it) then hopefully this boys life will be made better.

The boy is drinking NYQUIL that is not something that should be happening!!! It is time for someone to get involved. Obviously his mom is not going to do anything about it.

My future dil had to deal with a mom that never had food in the house. When the baby came and dil and ds lived there for awhile, they bought food. The woman ate most of it and never made sure there was food available for them to cook when they got home (she could have at least bought her own food or made sure the food that was purchased went fare enough to feed the three of them) If I had known about this when future dil was under age, I would have called. There is no reason whatsoever not to have food in the house for your child (regardless of their age).

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I think you should stay out of it. If you are concerned that they aren't eating, set a few nights a week and have them over for dinner. If the 16 YO won't come, then he's not starving. If you call CPS a couple of things could happen. CPS could find no real neglect, and the kids stay home. In that case, your relationship with them is for the most past ruined. CPS could find neglect and send the kids to foster care. Do you want them in foster care? Think hard if that is really a better suituation. The 16YO will most definitely STILL smoke. The may have a better stocked pantry, but their family will be torn apart.

If it were me, I would make it a routine to have them over for meals. Invite them to join in on family activities. Offer small paid jobs around the house to lure them over. Once with you, feed them and engage them in positive conversations.

That would be my mother's house growing up. She feed so many hungry kids in that type of situation. Catholic mom who will still feed the needy.

One of them was my DH. He was just a friend then.

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

He is 16. If he is hungry he can get a job.

I don't even know what to say to that.




OP... the fact that you're even considering it makes me think you should call. Which will hurt worse? Having people mad at you because you didn't "mind your own business"? Or feeling in your gut that something is wrong, not doing anything about it, and having something bad happen? At the very least, tell your concerns to the school.

 

[luvsJack]

Its wonderful to feed needy kids and would be wonderful for the OP to provide for her bil; but for how long is she supposed to do this? What if she and her dh move away before he is able to provide for himself?

He may be spending lunch money on cigarettes, but how does that explain the empty fridge and pantry? She said she experienced it when she stayed there and has seen it since then. Its doesn't sound like her imagination.

The pp that works for CPS has already said that none of this would be enough to put the boy in foster care. Besides that is not the only option. CPS has many options in educating kids and their parents on drug use, nutrition, parenting, etc. The boy is highly unlikely to be carted off to foster care over one call and one visit. Its not like they have an overabundance of foster homes anyway, they do whatever possible to keep a family together.

 

[Carly_Roach]

The boy is highly unlikely to be carted off to foster care over one call and one visit.

You're absolutely right. One visit won't do it. But once that family is in the system, the state will be investigating and there will be several visits over a period of time to see if he's changed his habits. If nothing changes, then we may be seeing them take a boy who's a senior in high school out of his mother's home.

Not to mention that now the mother has a record of child neglect recorded against her with the state. May not be a big issue to those of us out here who don't even know her, but it may be a huge issue to that mother and the OP's MIL. If the MIL thinks she was meddling before when she brought food over, the MIL will likely be livid at her DIL for the rest of the DIL's life for taking an action against her daughter in this manner.

As I said before: if you have to ask strangers on the internet what you should do instead of relying on the advice of people who are fully aware of the situation in real life, then your action is probably not a good one. You're just looking for validation for taking an action you already know is likely not a good idea.

 

[luvsJack]

You're absolutely right. One visit won't do it. But once that family is in the system, the state will be investigating and there will be several visits over a period of time to see if he's changed his habits. If nothing changes, then we may be seeing them take a boy who's a senior in high school out of his mother's home.

Not to mention that now the mother has a record of child neglect recorded against her with the state. May not be a big issue to those of us out here who don't even know her, but it may be a huge issue to that mother and the OP's MIL. If the MIL thinks she was meddling before when she brought food over, the MIL will likely be livid at her DIL for the rest of the DIL's life for taking an action against her daughter in this manner.

As I said before: if you have to ask strangers on the internet what you should do instead of relying on the advice of people who are fully aware of the situation in real life, then your action is probably not a good one. You're just looking for validation for taking an action you already know is likely not a good idea.

Sorry, but if it was my bil and my mil; I wouldn't give a rat's behind what she thought was meddling. She should take care of her son.

Sometimes its easier to ask people that are not involved in a situation for advice. They don't have a pre-conceived notion of what is going on or what should be done.

This boy needs help. If he is drinking Nyquil now to make sure he sleeps (even though he just woke up), what else is going on or what will he be doing in a year. The boy is what is important here, not his mother. If neglect is not going on here, his mother doesn't have anything to worry about; if it is then she needs to shape up.

BTW, CPS cannot tell the mil who called. She may just assume it was the school.