Help! I don't know if I should call Child Protective Services?!

[lillygator]

do we know for sure the mom is purchasing cigarettes or is it assumed?

 

[luvsJack]

Interesting that nobody thinks (cares?) that possibly the mother had developed depression?

Its not that I don't care--but the 16 year old comes first IMHO. Calling CPS would get help for too, though. Whether its her that has the problem or its him, or both; this family needs help and CPS is of an position to give that help.

I can see MYOB if it was just cigarettes and no lunch money-those can easily be just teen behavior. This is more than that. The problem really isn't so much that the boys smokes. He is drinking something to make him sleep--that is a RED FLAG. There is no food in the house--that is a RED FLAG.


ETA: Future dil's mom is bi-polar and her meds are always having to be readjusted so maybe the mom is depressed (dil's mom never bought food either, she would spend money on other things and be broke). But, all the same, dil would have been put first in my book.

 

[lillygator]

Its not that I don't care--but the 16 year old comes first IMHO. Calling CPS would get help for too, though. Whether its her that has the problem or its him, or both; this family needs help and CPS is of an position to give that help.

I can see MYOB if it was just cigarettes and no lunch money-those can easily be just teen behavior. This is more than that. The problem really isn't so much that the boys smokes. He is drinking something to make him sleep--that is a RED FLAG. There is no food in the house--that is a RED FLAG.


ETA: Future dil's mom is bi-polar and her meds are always having to be readjusted so maybe the mom is depressed (dil's mom never bought food either, she would spend money on other things and be broke). But, all the same, dil would have been put first in my book.

Ok, that is something he posted on FB. I myself have taken Nyquil to get to sleep when I haven't had a cold. Is he doing it nightly? I mean really, I think OP needs to either get all the FACTS before making a call.

 

[luvsJack]

Ok, that is something he posted on FB. I myself have taken Nyquil to get to sleep when I haven't had a cold. Is he doing it nightly? I mean really, I think OP needs to either get all the FACTS before making a call.

Its not the OP's job to get the facts straight. As a pp pointed out, she is not the investigator. She is concerned and worried about her bil. She knows these people, we do not. Her concern should count for quite a bit.

The boy said that he was drinking Nyquil to go back to sleep, although he had just woke up, because he couldn't stand to be without a cigarette. He didn't just say he was having trouble sleeping.

And there is still the problem of there being no food in the house. That is a problem. Regardless of her reasons for not buying food (and it very well could be a sign of mental illness on her part), the boy needs to eat.

 

[Tink888]

He is 16. If he is hungry he can get a job. As far as smoking, a lot of teens smoke.

I am going against the popular grain here and I would tell you to MYOB.

Yes, it sounds like the situation sucks to the max but a 16 is capable of figuring out how he is going to go forward.

Probably not the most popular opinion here.

I would try and keep in touch and "counsel" him if you can. Let him know that you are there for him.

Yes. And that might sound "cold and heartless" to some posters but it's true. I was working at 16. I wanted the money. By that age, if I was hungry, I could most definitely find a way to get food.

A 16-yr-old can't buy cigarettes.

I'm sorry but they absolutely can. Not every cashier is carding every kid and at 16 I'm sure this kid has friends who are upperclassmen and who are 18 who are more than willing to buy the kid a cigarettes.

maybe he is getting lunch money and the 16 y.o. is spending it on other things??? I don't know of a public school that lets a kid go hungry... Even my daughter (who normally gets a packed lunch and forgot once)--is not on a "free or reduced" lunch group, but they still gave her a lunch b/c our schools don't let kids go hungry....

True, for all we know that's exactly what he's doing.....or maybe the mom found out that's what he was doing so she stopped giving him lunch money. I'd be willing to bet that if a poster came on the boards and said "hey, I just found out my 16 year old is smoking and he's using the lunch money I give him to buy smokes, 80% of posters here would suggest that she stop giving him lunch money.

Lunch is always given in our district as well. At a minimum a child will get a sandwich and milk. The school will not let a child go hungry.

I just have to comment that unless OP comes out and says she was the one who reported the family to the CPS, no one will know it was her. Those kinds of reports are kept confidential for a good reason - so that people like OP can report their fears and get parents help without having to fear permanently damaging their relationship with the parent (it can be a very hard thing to admit you might need help, after all).

Someone at the school could have easily reported this case, not OP.

I'm sorry but I disagree with this. CPS will keep the name of the reporter confidential but I guarantee it wouldn't take very long for the Mom to figure out who made the call. She'll know who called and this Mom is also the OP's MIL and grandma to the OP's child. What are the family dynamics going to be after the call is made? What's to stop the Mom from contacting CPS on the OP for every perceived suspicion of neglect of the grandchild going forward? What will happen to the relationship between the Mom and the OP's husband? The mom and the OP? The OP and her DH?

There are lots of other positive ways to handle the situation that don't involve CPS. Talk to the Mom. Contact a guidance counselor. Invite the kid over for meals. Let him know he always has a meal and a place on your sofa, should he need it.

Again, the the boy is 16. He is a minor but he isn't a helpless child. He is making more bad decisions on his own behalf than it sounds like he is being neglected. He needs to learn to take some responsibility for himself and make good decisions because in two years, he will be an adult. The mom is a single, working parent and everyone on this board has only one side of the story.

Also wanted to add that in the OP's original post, she gave both names of the boy and his sister, not to mention the hometown is listed under her username. Who knows who visits the Disboards. From all of the personal information given, it wouldn't be too hard for anyone to figure out exactly who this family is.

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

Sometimes it's better to just walk away even though it may be a difficult choice.

Better for who?

 

[Lisa_M]

I think you should call. My experience in PA has been when you call Children & Youth, it often takes multiple reports of neglect or abuse before they open a case and investigate. This is especially true for teens. Chances are if the school has concerns they have already called and if you call, it just may be the impetus to investigate the concerns (although they will not disclose if there have been other reports).

I wouldn't worry about them removing the kids from the home. They give the parent EVERY chance in the world to fix the problem before doing that.

Childline is the hotline in Pennsylvania, you can call anonymously, but it would be better to give your name and relationship so they can understand your involvement and first hand knowledge of the situation better. They will not disclose who you made the call if they investigate.

Their number is 800-932-0313.

 

[dmslush]

Its not the OP's job to get the facts straight. As a pp pointed out, she is not the investigator. She is concerned and worried about her bil. She knows these people, we do not. Her concern should count for quite a bit.

The boy said that he was drinking Nyquil to go back to sleep, although he had just woke up, because he couldn't stand to be without a cigarette. He didn't just say he was having trouble sleeping.

And there is still the problem of there being no food in the house. That is a problem. Regardless of her reasons for not buying food (and it very well could be a sign of mental illness on her part), the boy needs to eat.

As a CPS worker, I agree... it is not the job of the OP to get the facts. Her job is to report suspected child abuse or neglect. It is the trained cps worker's job to find the facts.

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

Yes. And that might sound "cold and heartless" to some posters but it's true. I was working at 16. I wanted the money. By that age, if I was hungry, I could most definitely find a way to get food.



I'm sorry but they absolutely can. Not every cashier is carding every kid and at 16 I'm sure this kid has friends who are upperclassmen and who are 18 who are more than willing to buy the kid a cigarettes.

1. Yes, it's cold and heartless and truthfully, disgusting that anyone would have the attitude that a 16-rd-old should be responsible for providing his own basic life needs when he has a mother perfectly capable of doing it for him.

2. I would also say "you can't go around murdering people". Well, yes, sure. You CAN. Same context.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Seriously? He's a child. It's a parent's legal responsibility to feed their children. And, all 16 year old's are different. It sounds like he could have depression. An adult with depression is often not capable of making the best decisions, let alone a child.

Yes he is 16 and can get a job. He is not a "child". If his mom is bipolar, starving him, depressed, etc., he is perfectly capable of figuring out how to get what he needs.

That is just reality. I guess you never had to get a job as a kid to pay for the bills or groceries?

Me and most of my friends grew up that way. My dh started working at 8. My BIL moved out on his own at 16. Many kids started bussing tables at 14 so they could eat.

When you have a messed up situation as a kid, you have to figure out how to support yourself. That is the sucky reality.

I would hope that the brother in this situation talks to his mom and figures out what the heck is going on. To call CPS right away is not going to solve a damn thing.

 

[lillygator]

Its not the OP's job to get the facts straight. As a pp pointed out, she is not the investigator. She is concerned and worried about her bil. She knows these people, we do not. Her concern should count for quite a bit.

The boy said that he was drinking Nyquil to go back to sleep, although he had just woke up, because he couldn't stand to be without a cigarette. He didn't just say he was having trouble sleeping.

And there is still the problem of there being no food in the house. That is a problem. Regardless of her reasons for not buying food (and it very well could be a sign of mental illness on her part), the boy needs to eat.

well I guess we'll have to disagree.

OP if you do report, I would discuss with your husband first as you will be opening up a whole lot of issues.

 

[luvsJack]

Yes he is 16 and can get a job. He is not a "child". If his mom is bipolar, starving him, depressed, etc., he is perfectly capable of figuring out how to get what he needs.

That is just reality. I guess you never had to get a job as a kid to pay for the bills or groceries?

Me and most of my friends grew up that way. My dh started working at 8. My BIL moved out on his own at 16. Many kids started bussing tables at 14 so they could eat.

When you have a messed up situation as a kid, you have to figure out how to support yourself. That is the sucky reality.

I would hope that the brother in this situation talks to his mom and figures out what the heck is going on. To call CPS right away is not going to solve a damn thing.

Keep in mind that saying he should get a job and his finding a job are two very different things. I don't know about the OP's area, but around here even fast food is not hiring and the restaurants are laying off not hiring bus boys. Many adults are not able to find work, why would it be different for a 16 year old?

Whether he gets a job or not, does not absolve the mother from being responsible for this kid. She is responsible for seeing that he has the basic needs of life. It is not fair to this boy to dismiss this issue as "he should get a job" when his mother is the one not being responsible. I have no problem with a 16 year old having a job, I have real issues with women and men not being responsible for their children.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Keep in mind that saying he should get a job and his finding a job are two very different things. I don't know about the OP's area, but around here even fast food is not hiring and the restaurants are laying off not hiring bus boys. Many adults are not able to find work, why would it be different for a 16 year old?

Whether he gets a job or not, does not absolve the mother from being responsible for this kid. She is responsible for seeing that he has the basic needs of life. It is not fair to this boy to dismiss this issue as "he should get a job" when his mother is the one not being responsible. I have no problem with a 16 year old having a job, I have real issues with women and men not being responsible for their children.

I understand the frustration. I have family that have booted my nephew out at 17 because he was gay. Naturally he was treated like crap as a child.

He is doing well now.

My dh moved out with me to another city to escape his situation. We are doing great.

My BIL moved out at 16. He is fine.

Point here is that his mom is going off the rails on the crazy train and you are damned either way.

Best course of action is to counsel the boy, give him food, and help him to see the light ASAP.

You know that a 16yo is going to be very defensive about the situation. What exactly is CPS going to do for a 16yo guy? I know plenty of angry teens and they would not take kindly to help like that.

That is just reality. Might make things worse.

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

Whether he gets a job or not, does not absolve the mother from being responsible for this kid. She is responsible for seeing that he has the basic needs of life. It is not fair to this boy to dismiss this issue as "he should get a job" when his mother is the one not being responsible. I have no problem with a 16 year old having a job, I have real issues with women and men not being responsible for their children.

Well said.

 

[lillygator]

I agree - at 16, if CPS is involved and chooses to move him to a foster home, what do you think he would do then? Quitting smoking would not be top priority I am sure.

 

[Tink888]

1. Yes, it's cold and heartless and truthfully, disgusting that anyone would have the attitude that a 16-rd-old should be responsible for providing his own basic life needs when he has a mother perfectly capable of doing it for him.

2. I would also say "you can't go around murdering people". Well, yes, sure. You CAN. Same context.

I don't believe that neither I nor Mystery Machine said a 16 is responsible for providing their own basic needs. We are saying that at 16 they are capable of finding way to meet them. There is a difference. A two year old who is hungry can't go out and find a way to get food. A 16 year old can. Bottom line.

So from what we know, there is a 16 year old boy, two years away from adulthood, who I'm assuming won't hold down a job. Won't go to school. Won't make an effort in school. Smokes cigs all day and drinks Nyquil and posts about it on Facebook.

And we have a Mom who works and puts a roof over her family's head, including housing the OP and BIL while their in transition from moving and gives them food.

Here's a few more questions to ask. Is the Mom at work when the 16 year is supposed to be leaving for school? If so, at 16, should she quit her job and go on welfare to make sure the kid gets on the bus or is it unreasonable to expect this kid to exercise a little independence?

Is the fridge and pantry completely empty or is it just a fact of there not being a hot plate of food sitting on the table when the kid wants to eat? Is there really nothing there or is there just nothing the kids likes?

At 16, even with a missed day of school is the boy not capable of getting and completing missed assignments? Or is that Mom's job and will it also be her job when and if the kid goes off to college?

The boy smokes. At 16, unless the Mom is going to follow him around 24 hours a day, there really is no way for her to prevent the boy from smoking. The OP said she accepts it. Doesn't mean she likes it. And I have a hard time believing that his Mom would give him 5.00 a pop for a pack of cigs but wouldn't give him lunch money which can't be more than 2.50 a day.

I'm sorry but I think there's way more to the story and I wouldn't tell anyone to call CPS without knowing more. The boy has issues for sure. I'm just not sure that they all boil down to neglect.

 

[lillygator]

I don't believe that neither I nor Mystery Machine said a 16 is responsible for providing their own basic needs. We are saying that at 16 they are capable of finding way to meet them. There is a difference. A two year old who is hungry can't go out and find a way to get food. A 16 year old can. Bottom line.

So from what we know, there is a 16 year old boy, two years away from adulthood, who I'm assuming won't hold down a job. Won't go to school. Won't make an effort in school. Smokes cigs all day and drinks Nyquil and posts about it on Facebook.

And we have a Mom who works and puts a roof over her family's head, including housing the OP and BIL while their in transition from moving and gives them food.

Here's a few more questions to ask. Is the Mom at work when the 16 year is supposed to be leaving for school? If so, at 16, should she quit her job and go on welfare to make sure the kid gets on the bus or is it unreasonable to expect this kid to exercise a little independence?

Is the fridge and pantry completely empty or is it just a fact of there not being a hot plate of food sitting on the table when the kid wants to eat? Is there really nothing there or is there just nothing the kids likes?

At 16, even with a missed day of school is the boy not capable of getting and completing missed assignments? Or is that Mom's job and will it also be her job when and if the kid goes off to college?

The boy smokes. At 16, unless the Mom is going to follow him around 24 hours a day, there really is no way for her to prevent the boy from smoking. The OP said she accepts it. Doesn't mean she likes it. And I have a hard time believing that his Mom would give him 5.00 a pop for a pack of cigs but wouldn't give him lunch money which can't be more than 2.50 a day.

I'm sorry but I think there's way more to the story and I wouldn't tell anyone to call CPS without knowing more. The boy has issues for sure. I'm just not sure that they all boil down to neglect.

exactly!

 

[Bluestars]

I think it is the parent's job to make sure there is food in the house and their children are going to school every day. I don't think that is too much to ask a parent to do. If this is not being done, then I see nothing wrong with a relative getting involved. In fact, I think that is the decent thing for someone to do.

As long as the child is under 18, yes it is the parent's job to do these things.

 

[Tink888]

I think it is the parent's job to make sure there is food in the house and their children are going to school every day. I don't think that is too much to ask a parent to do. If this is not being done, then I see nothing wrong with a relative getting involved. In fact, I think that is the decent thing for someone to do.

As long as the child is under 18, yes it is the parent's job to do these things.

Yes, that is a parent's job. It is also a parent's job to teach their child responsibility and prepare them for adulthood. We teach our children responsibility by giving them some with the expectation that they will step up to the plate.

In a perfect world, one parent would be home in the morning to get their child off to school every morning, check every paper that comes through the bookbag, and have a piping hot plate of food before the child steps out the door in the morning and and when they return in the afternoon.

The world is not perfect, parents are not perfect, there are single parents, there are working parents and 16 is an age where requiring a little bit of responsibility isn't out of the question. It can actually be a good thing.

 

[freckles and boo]

Yes, that is a parent's job. It is also a parent's job to teach their child responsibility and prepare them for adulthood. We teach our children responsibility by giving them some with the expectation that they will step up to the plate.

In a perfect world, one parent would be home in the morning to get their child off to school every morning, check every paper that comes through the bookbag, and have a piping hot plate of food before the child steps out the door in the morning and and when they return in the afternoon.

The world is not perfect, parents are not perfect, there are single parents, there are working parents and 16 is an age where requiring a little bit of responsibility isn't out of the question. It can actually be a good thing.

But the kid isn't learning responsibility, is he? He is skipping school, swigging Nyquil, and smoking a pack of cigarettes a day. So what is the harm if someone checks in on them and offers up some help. I personally would rather piss off my relatives in an effort to help than to be asked to bail one out later.