Help! I don't know if I should call Child Protective Services?!

[DVC~OKW~96]

Good grief.

All you need to "have" for a CPS complaint is "suspicion" of something being wrong. You don't need evidence, or "proof" of any kind. You are not a trained CPS investigator, that's why they have that service.

Make the call. It is the kindest and least aggressive thing you can do. The CPS team, if they choose to investigate (and they may not) will come in, do the investigation and then attempt to provide the least invasive action to keep the child safe.

However, if the Mother is providing illegal substances (cigarettes for minors are illegal) they may have a more specific action they need to take, such as immediate counseling for her.

You can make an anonymous call, or require CPS to keep your name confidential. Either way, the only way the person will know that it was you will be if YOU tell her.

Take care now and thanks for being so concerned.

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

You're absolutely right. One visit won't do it. But once that family is in the system, the state will be investigating and there will be several visits over a period of time to see if he's changed his habits. If nothing changes, then we may be seeing them take a boy who's a senior in high school out of his mother's home.

Not to mention that now the mother has a record of child neglect recorded against her with the state. May not be a big issue to those of us out here who don't even know her, but it may be a huge issue to that mother and the OP's MIL. If the MIL thinks she was meddling before when she brought food over, the MIL will likely be livid at her DIL for the rest of the DIL's life for taking an action against her daughter in this manner.

As I said before: if you have to ask strangers on the internet what you should do instead of relying on the advice of people who are fully aware of the situation in real life, then your action is probably not a good one. You're just looking for validation for taking an action you already know is likely not a good idea.

I can't believe it's the feelings of the mother we're worrying about here and not the welfare of the child.

 

[lillygator]

Hi everyone, I'm new here on the DIS, just joined about a week or two ago. I don't have anyone to discuss this with, and needed some advice on a touchy subject. My BIL, Erik, is 16 years old. He lives with his sister, Brittany, and his mom. His mom smokes about two packs a day, and lets Erik smoke as well. She buys him cigarettes, and he probably smokes a pack or more a day and has for some time now. It is starting to be detrimental to his health as well as his quality of life. He doesn't do anything with his family or friends anymore, because doing so would prevent him from getting a cigarette. He used to come over to our house and hang out quite a bit, but now he never does unless someone who smokes will be here to give him cigarettes. He is sick all the time and misses A LOT of school. Consequently, he is probably going to fail tenth grade. At this point, he would have to get A's on all his tests from here to the end of the school year, and he would just barely pass. And he keeps missing school, so that will probably not happen. Also, she hardly ever keeps food in the house. Brittany and Erik never eat any breakfast because she doesn't buy anything to eat. She also doesn't give them any money for lunch, so they end up eating off of their friend's plates at school. They are both really skinny. All Erik and his mom do is smoke cigarettes and drink coffee. Their mom makes good money too, she just doesn't care I guess. She dropped them off at a family get together and went bar hopping tonight. That in of itself isn't too bad, except she shouldn't be spending money on alcoholic drinks if she can't buy food for her kids! She left them to find their own way home. I don't know what to do, I feel like the right thing would be to call Child Protective Services, but I don't want them to go into foster care and be miserable and take them away from their family and everything. I would take them in a heartbeat but I live in a two bedroom rental cottage with my son and husband, and I don't know if they would let me take care of them without a bedroom for them. This has been going on for some time, and I've been on the fence about what to do, but the other night I saw Erik telling his friends on Facebook that he was down to his last cigarette so he was going to drink NyQuil and go back to sleep even though he just woke up, because he couldn't stand to go without one. So I think the situation might be getting worse. My husband and I have tried to talk to his mom about it, but she just tells us that "there's nothing she can do", "mind our own business", or that "everything is fine". Should I call Child Protective Services, or should I just "Mind my own Business"????? Please any comments are appreciated!

you just joined and you have a sig and an avatar pic?

I think MYOB in this situation. Not everything posted on FB is true - especially among teens and do you know for sure about the food?

 

[OceanAnnie]

I work for CPS and here would be my concerns as a case manager:

Lots of teenagers smoke..... but, she is buying him cigarettes and allowing him to smoke in her home/presence. Therefore she is providing him with/allowing him to use a 'drug' that could be detrimental to his health. That is classified as drug exposed child.

No food in the house, not supplying them with lunch money (or other alternatives for lunch). That is nutritional neglect.

Dropping them off places with no plan in place for them to make it safely home. That is lack of supervision.

Now, would I remove any child for these things? Probably not.. I mean, it is going to take a bunch more than that for me to feel that the children would be safer in foster care or for me to convince my supervisors and attorney that the children need to go to foster care.

If this was my case, I would go in and assess the entire family situation, I give parenting skills to the mother, I would put the child in a tobacco cessation class. I would educate the mother on robotripping (drinking cough/cold meds to get high/make you sleep), and make sure the child had NO access to any cough/cold meds!

I would find out why there is not food in the home, and rectify that situation. I would check about the children having an account at school set up by the mother to ensure they have lunch money. I would help the family find their natural support system in case the children need a way home (I would utilize your husband being the oldest sibling). I would then monitor the situation with unannounced home and school visits and collateral contacts.

There's your answer from someone in the field.

I feel sorry for the boy. Bad situation. Someone should care.

 

[kaytieeldr]

The boy is drinking NYQUIL that is not something that should be happening!!!

As someone posted earlier, this is not typical behavior/reaction to a lack of cigarettes (heck, aren't cigarettes a stimulant?). Something else is going on. Also, not understanding how the MIL is buying the son cigarettes but he has no money to buy cigarettes (so he's going to drink cold medication instead?). That all just makes no sense.

And, question: is this the way the OP's mother-in-law has always behaved, even when the OP's husband was growing up and living there? Or - and I know few, if any, posters are concerned about the MIL - is this a new behavior? Could she be having emotional problems, or even a recent but undiagnosed mental condition? Or was the OP's husband raised in this same atmosphere.

As for the teens' father recently returning to the picture - why not get HIM involved before any DYS reporting? They're his kids, too.

 

[disneyjunkie]

I'm in the MYOB camp.

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

you just joined and you have a sig and an avatar pic?

I had a signature and an avatar before I posted my first post. And then I change it up randomly. If you've posted on a message board before, you know how these things work.

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

Also, not understanding how the MIL is buying the son cigarettes but he has no money to buy cigarettes (so he's going to drink cold medication instead?).

A 16-yr-old can't buy cigarettes.

 

[shortbun]

I say, yes, call CPS and let them decide if they want to intervene. They can keep it anonymous regarding how they came to be there. They might even mention the multiple absences from school and lack of money for your BIL to eat at school. Can you pay for his lunches - put money on his account at school so it will not be used for anything BUT food? I've put money on kids accounts anonymously before-kids from my bus who I knew were not eating.

 

[lillygator]

I had a signature and an avatar before I posted my first post. And then I change it up randomly. If you've posted on a message board before, you know how these things work.

well guess I wasn't schooled on that. I was a member on a TTC board before I came to the DIS andit was a while before I braved the CB at that. Just posting my thoughts.

 

[Liberty Belle]

He is 16. If he is hungry he can get a job. As far as smoking, a lot of teens smoke.

I am going against the popular grain here and I would tell you to MYOB.

Yes, it sounds like the situation sucks to the max but a 16 is capable of figuring out how he is going to go forward.

Probably not the most popular opinion here.

I would try and keep in touch and "counsel" him if you can. Let him know that you are there for him.

Seriously? He's a child. It's a parent's legal responsibility to feed their children. And, all 16 year old's are different. It sounds like he could have depression. An adult with depression is often not capable of making the best decisions, let alone a child.

 

[Liberty Belle]

OP, I would call. If he's missing that much school, the school system may be about to intervene, anyway, but they wouldn't know about the other stuff.

The case manager on here seems to think you have valid concerns. Don't listen to my opinion or anyone else's - she is the one who would know what you should do and it sounds like she thinks you should call.

 

[MomNeedsVacay]

maybe he is getting lunch money and the 16 y.o. is spending it on other things??? I don't know of a public school that lets a kid go hungry... Even my daughter (who normally gets a packed lunch and forgot once)--is not on a "free or reduced" lunch group, but they still gave her a lunch b/c our schools don't let kids go hungry....

 

[disneymarie]

CPS is not about removings kids, unless in unusual circumstances. They do have supportive services for parenting skills, but this did not happen over night. As the kids at 16 can find jobs, and even go to services for help, I think in my professional opinion let dh perhaps talk to the school counselor. They have acess to his grades, his school day, there are breakfast programs in school free lunch.

It sounds like they need support services and referrals must be made by school athourities when they are aware of a sitution. Taking the kids into your home will create chaos, of the best intentions. I would make a date afternoon for them to chose to attened or not.

DH maybe able to find a store stock job, etc. The boy is using crutches to fill a void in his life, where is the Dad, is he in the picture, paying support. It may be that the kids need to have a gaurdian et lidum appointed, apply for soc sec dis or food stamps for their well keeping.

Heck there are even after school places that have a evening meal provided.
CPS may visit, see they are not at risk, and fall through cracks....I would go to the school, dh, maybe call guidance, and see what is available.
The boy needs a mentor and counseling, not a foster home.

 

[snarlingcoyote]

I just have to comment that unless OP comes out and says she was the one who reported the family to the CPS, no one will know it was her. Those kinds of reports are kept confidential for a good reason - so that people like OP can report their fears and get parents help without having to fear permanently damaging their relationship with the parent (it can be a very hard thing to admit you might need help, after all).

Someone at the school could have easily reported this case, not OP.

 

[MamaLema]

OP, Please, please call if there is any doubt about this child being neglected. In the past, I always thought it's better to mind my own business, until I read a book called "A Child Called It", by Dave Pelzer. If these are things you are seeing, you never know what is going on inside the house.

 

[arielsleepingbeauty]

If you call CPS, it is against the law for them to disclose who the reporter is. You could always make an anonymous call. I think your DH should speak to his mother or brother or sister about it. Can you take them into your home? I am thinking that if you call CPS the kids would end up in a group home or foster home. Sometimes it's better to just walk away even though it may be a difficult choice.

 

[kaytieeldr]

A 16-yr-old can't buy cigarettes.

I understand that. Didn't the OP originally state that the mother was purchasing cigarettes for the son? So the mother has money (which we know from several statements about her earning plenty but not spending it on food), and she uses some of that money to buy cigarettes for her 16-year-old son (ditto). He smokes about one cigarette an hour (also posted by the OP, somewhere in this thread). He somehow ran out of cigarettes in the middle of the night (again, posted by the OP) and posted on his FaceBook page that he couldn't sleep because of this and was taking NyQuil (alcohol) instead?

Still interested in knowing if the household ran like this when the OP's husband was growing up.

 

[kaytieeldr]

An adult with depression is often not capable of making the best decisions, let alone a child.

Interesting that nobody thinks (cares?) that possibly the mother had developed depression?

 

[wdwfan16]

What is your DH's opinion on his siblings and their environment? If he would support you then I would call CPS.