He won't propose!

[Conservative Hippie]

My DH moved into a new apartment when we were still dating (maybe engaged at that point, I dot remember), needed a washer/dryer....and bought it himself. We still use that set after 10 years of marriage, but the point is before we were married, his apartment, his appliances, his money.

Sent from me.

 

[emilily88]

Is it really June or bust? I know people like to have time off around their weddings, but if you don't mind delaying your honeymoon, you can really cut it down to a day or two off of work. This would make other dates more flexible, so it wouldn't feel like you have to do it in 8 months or 20 months (the former being quite soon and the latter quite far).
If he's clear that he does want to get married, even after you ask for honesty, and you insist on a very traditional proposal where he asks you, then all you can do is wait.

The reason we can only do June is because DBF is a high school band teacher, which means August-May are out of the question and he spends most of July doing band camp, preparing for school, etc.

 

[emilily88]

When my DH and I moved in together at ages 25/26, we did not have a couch or any furniture except a bed and dresser. We used large cushions for sitting in the living room and had our small tv set up on a box. We bought enough kitchen stuff to make food and serve ourselves. We ended up with hand me downs from our parents eventually to outfit he apartment, but not at first. It was years before we bought any furniture.

I really feel like you're rushing everything in your life.

Nothing against this poster personally, but I really really dislike this mentality that just because we're young, we shouldn't have nice things. If we have saved our money with the purpose of buying things for our life together, why shouldn't we? We don't have a mortgage or children, and we aren't breaking the bank because we want a nice piece of furniture. He was fortunate enough to buy his sister's used (but still in excellent condition!) table and chairs when he moved into his apartment with his roommate previously, and the bed he is using/we will be using has been his since he was 10. It's not like we bought an entire houseful of furniture.

 

[TinkerBelled]

The reason we can only do June is because DBF is a high school band teacher, which means August-May are out of the question and he spends most of July doing band camp, preparing for school, etc.

I was wondering if you could do it during the school year, after Christmas during the winter break, or perhaps during spring break. Really, if you can postpone the honeymoon, all you really need is a couple of days around the wedding itself. Insisting on June can make things tough, not least because there are many of brides looking to get married in June.

My more central point, though, was that a lot of pressure is placed on a wedding when it means both a change in your relationship and a change in your life circumstances.

Have you had the kind of difficult, serious discussion that I talked about, where it's clear that honesty is more important than keeping you from being hurt?

 

[Katy Belle]

As I see it, you have two choices...
1) Be patient and WAIT for the proposal. He told you to be patient, that he was going to ask your parents for your hand, and that he was going to go down on one knee and propose with a ring. So, you wait, whether it fits your timing or not.

2) Tell him, "I will start making wedding plans when we are engaged. If you want to get married this June, we should get engaged soon." He might not realize you won't make plans until you have the ring.

DH and I knew we were getting married long before we were engaged. In April of 88 he got a job offer, before graduating from college, to start in July of 88. We drove together to the town, so I could see it and decide if I was ok living there and if he should take the job. I actually transferred to the University close to that town, because I found that I would be losing a lot of credit hours, by transferring later in my college career. I started there in August of 88. We didn't live together, I lived on campus. Anyway...he proposed in November of 88, but by then it was known to everyone that we were getting married! I'm not sure, but we may have already had the date, the church, etc before the engagement. I knew he was going to propose. I actually thought he was going to wait until Christmas, but he didn't!

Good luck! Wishing you a lifetime of happiness!

 

[emilily88]

I was wondering if you could do it during the school year, after Christmas during the winter break, or perhaps during spring break. Really, if you can postpone the honeymoon, all you really need is a couple of days around the wedding itself. Insisting on June can make things tough, not least because there are many of brides looking to get married in June.

My more central point, though, was that a lot of pressure is placed on a wedding when it means both a change in your relationship and a change in your life circumstances.

Have you had the kind of difficult, serious discussion that I talked about, where it's clear that honesty is more important than keeping you from being hurt?

That's a good idea. I wasn't sure if getting married during the school year would put too much pressure on him, because he already has middle school band, high school band, football games, competitions, early morning rehearsal 3 days a week, after-school rehearsal 3 days a week, piano lessons and choir practice every week, and I didn't want to throw wedding planning into the mix

We have had multiple discussions and nothing seems amiss. I'm hoping I'm just being too impatient, not that he's changing his mind.

 

[thankudrivethru]

he's agreed to the wedding, take it or leave it! Unless you are expecting a big drawn out proposal with a giant ring. And the buying a separate apartment, why wouldn't you live in it together before the wedding? You just paid for half the cost of certain items for this new apartment and you aren't living their... i don't know, maybe i come from a different lifetime but to me that's just a red flag.

Otherwise, have a talk with him, tell him what you want, a proposal!! Good communication is the key a very successful marriage and relationship

 

[emilily88]

As I see it, you have two choices...
1) Be patient and WAIT for the proposal. He told you to be patient, that he was going to ask your parents for your hand, and that he was going to go down on one knee and propose with a ring. So, you wait, whether it fits your timing or not.

2) Tell him, "I will start making wedding plans when we are engaged. If you want to get married this June, we should get engaged soon." He might not realize you won't make plans until you have the ring.

DH and I knew we were getting married long before we were engaged. In April of 88 he got a job offer, before graduating from college, to start in July of 88. We drove together to the town, so I could see it and decide if I was ok living there and if he should take the job. I actually transferred to the University close to that town, because I found that I would be losing a lot of credit hours, by transferring later in my college career. I started there in August of 88. We didn't live together, I lived on campus. Anyway...he proposed in November of 88, but by then it was known to everyone that we were getting married! I'm not sure, but we may have already had the date, the church, etc before the engagement. I knew he was going to propose. I actually thought he was going to wait until Christmas, but he didn't!

Good luck! Wishing you a lifetime of happiness!

I love this thank you!

 

[TheRose227]

Nothing against this poster personally, but I really really dislike this mentality that just because we're young, we shouldn't have nice things. If we have saved our money with the purpose of buying things for our life together, why shouldn't we? We don't have a mortgage or children, and we aren't breaking the bank because we want a nice piece of furniture. He was fortunate enough to buy his sister's used (but still in excellent condition!) table and chairs when he moved into his apartment with his roommate previously, and the bed he is using/we will be using has been his since he was 10. It's not like we bought an entire houseful of furniture.

DBF and I are around the same age as you two and have been dating around the same amount of time.

We live a mile apart, with out roommates because of our jobs. Too far away from home to live with our parents. My parents bought me my couches and dining table when a local furniture store was having a huge sale as my graduation present. They didn't pay for my college so they felt I should start off my first job with some nicer stuff. Everything else is 2nd hand.

We both worked really hard to get where we are as I'm sure you and your DBF have, get a nice piece. You know your relationship and I'm sure you know the risks. It's your choice.

Anyway, at least talk to your DBF. I had to have this talk last week. Being an interfaith couple I wanted to see where we stood on certain issues. He did not want to have that conversation. Turned out, the man who wanted to get married young and have kids young, was really enjoying the lack of any planning or responsibility right now. And that's ok. The truth is our jobs are a little crazy. It would be more stress to plan a wedding than we want now. For sure was not the answer I was expecting. But it got us on the same page with a lot of things and it allowed my DBF to understand how much planning and looking it would take for us to actually get married (do we get married in FL or NJ or where we live now, how many Jewish traditions will we include, finding a rabbi who will perform an interfaith ceremony) He just saw how easy it seemed to be for his brother and fiancee and didn't understand just how tough it will be given work and location.

So good luck on your when! Wishing you a lifetime of happiness!

 

[Michelina]

I didn't read through all of the previous posts and I know this isn't what anyone would want to hear but I really urge you to sit down and have a serious conversation about if the wedding is really going to happen at the time you've planned. I have a friend who was living with her boyfriend, her situation was almost exactly like yours. She thought she was just waiting for the ring. She went into the hospital to have knee surgery and BAM! he moved all of his stuff out and they broke up. I guess he was just too scared to have her around while he dumped her

I'm not saying this is what your bf is thinking! But men are WEIRD and sometimes they need to be asked flat-out, they don't get subtlety.

Best of luck!

 

[thankudrivethru]

I didn't read through all of the previous posts and I know this isn't what anyone would want to hear but I really urge you to sit down and have a serious conversation about if the wedding is really going to happen at the time you've planned. I have a friend who was living with her boyfriend, her situation was almost exactly like yours. She thought she was just waiting for the ring. She went into the hospital to have knee surgery and BAM! he moved all of his stuff out and they broke up. I guess he was just too scared to have her around while he dumped her

I'm not saying this is what your bf is thinking! But men are WEIRD and sometimes they need to be asked flat-out, they don't get subtlety.

Best of luck!

You I AGREE. Why not move into that apartment with him before the wedding?? You just paid for furniture that your not gonna get to use for a while, you just helped pay for furniture for him, maybe that's not the case, but that's how i see it. Sorry if it sounds horrible, but it's coming from someone who is a lot older and been through it.

So i agree you need to sit down and have THAT talk!

 

[Wishing on a star]

I really hate to be one of the few.... but growing, and getting louder, voices of reason here...

But, OP, this does not sound right to me at all...

HE gets his place.
HE gets you helping to buy everything.
He doesn't seem to be exhibiting any 'patience'.
HE gets to agree to the whole 'yeah sure... ONE DAY'.
It's all so easy for him...

You, on the other hand, get to sit in limbo.
You get to help him get established in his own place.
You get to look forward to sitting and waiting until, maybe, ONE DAY.

He is holding all the power and playing all the cards here.

I would NOT be going in on ANYTHING until you had that marriage license.

At this point, you don't even have a ring on your finger.

If you get further financially and legally intertwined with this man, without any ring, any commitment, etc... You MUST, at the very least, be honest with yourself here.

Maybe he DOES want to get married.
Maybe he has some big romantic idea to propose over Christmas or something?????
Maybe everything is working out ALL for the best.
We do not know his intentions... and I would not presume to make any judgment call on that.
( I will only say that based on what I am reading here, I would have concerns and doubts. )

But, my advice to you is just this.... Until you have that ring on your finger, and have gone and gotten that marriage license... I would not be planning any big wedding, worrying about 'JUNE', buying any furniture, or anything else... AT ALL.

Maybe he is wanting you to be patient.
If that is the case, and you are completely comfortable with the status -quo, then great!!!! But what I am seeing here is you, giving and giving and pushing and pushing... That is not my understanding of the word 'patient'.

But, be honest with yourself here.
Buying furniture, booking wedding venues, etc... BEFORE you have that ring is just not the way to go about things. Yes, that might sound simple. But, you know, IMHO, it really is that simple.

 

[laughinplace199]

In regards to everyone's posts about communication...

I completely agree that communication is key in a relationship, and we have great communication - it's just that most men are so secretive when it comes to proposing! We've been completely open with each other on everything, especially the timeline. He's told me many times that he wants to get married in June, I just think he doesn't realize all the planning that has to happen before the wedding can happen! He keeps telling me the proposal will happen, I just have to be patient (which I am not good at but am slowly learning ) but it's getting so close to the wire that I'm getting nervous!

Have the two of you sat down and discussed this to come up with a timeline? If you guys have good communication, I'm not getting why there seems to be this gray area...

Since he may not understand how long the planning is going to take, it sounds like a conversation needs to happen sooner rather than later. Planning a wedding is time-consuming and somewhat stressful, but it's also really fun. If June of 2014 is a little too close to plan what you want, wait until June of 2015. You'll have less stress and you'll really be able to enjoy the planning process (which is half the fun).

 

[Shmily1]

Maybe he's just trying to save up the money for it first- especially for the ring.

 

[thankudrivethru]

I really hate to be one of the few.... but growing, and getting louder, voices of reason here...

But, OP, this does not sound right to me at all...

HE gets his place.
HE gets you helping to buy everything.
He doesn't seem to be exhibiting any 'patience'.
HE gets to agree to the whole 'yeah sure... ONE DAY'.
It's all so easy for him...

You, on the other hand, get to sit in limbo.
You get to help him get established in his own place.
You get to look forward to sitting and waiting until, maybe, ONE DAY.

He is holding all the power and playing all the cards here.

I would NOT be going in on ANYTHING until you had that marriage license.

At this point, you don't even have a ring on your finger.

If you get further financially and legally intertwined with this man, without any ring, any commitment, etc... You MUST, at the very least, be honest with yourself here.

Maybe he DOES want to get married.
Maybe he has some big romantic idea to propose over Christmas or something?????
Maybe everything is working out ALL for the best.
We do not know his intentions... and I would not presume to make any judgment call on that.
( I will only say that based on what I am reading here, I would have concerns and doubts. )

But, my advice to you is just this.... Until you have that ring on your finger, and have gone and gotten that marriage license... I would not be planning any big wedding, worrying about 'JUNE', buying any furniture, or anything else... AT ALL.

Maybe he is wanting you to be patient.
If that is the case, and you are completely comfortable with the status -quo, then great!!!! But what I am seeing here is you, giving and giving and pushing and pushing... That is not my understanding of the word 'patient'.

But, be honest with yourself here.
Buying furniture, booking wedding venues, etc... BEFORE you have that ring is just not the way to go about things. Yes, that might sound simple. But, you know, IMHO, it really is that simple.

I agree!

Maybe he's just trying to save up the money for it first- especially for the ring.

she said he had the money for a ring.. but here is the funny thing if he has the money for a ring why in the heck is she paying for half the furniture an apartment that she won't be living in for a while?? yeah given it might be their furniture as a married couple someday but right now it's his furniture that she helped pay half for that he should of just bought himself if he has the money.

That is what confuses me.

 

[emilily88]

Honestly, I think he thinks I'm overreacting about how much time the planning can take. He's a very slow and steady kind of guy, and he tends to take the "it'll get done one way or another" kind of attitude, while I'm the one micro-planning and making lists upon lists. We balance each other out pretty well so I think he thinks that this is another one of my anal planning things and doesn't fully realize that it actually does take a lot of planning

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

I agree!



she said he had the money for a ring.. but here is the funny thing if he has the money for a ring why in the heck is she paying for half the furniture an apartment that she won't be living in for a while?? yeah given it might be their furniture as a married couple someday but right now it's his furniture that she helped pay half for that he should of just bought himself if he has the money.

That is what confuses me.

Both are also living with their parents, because they can't afford to live on their own.

 

[roomthreeseventeen]

Honestly, I think he thinks I'm overreacting about how much time the planning can take. He's a very slow and steady kind of guy, and he tends to take the "it'll get done one way or another" kind of attitude, while I'm the one micro-planning and making lists upon lists. We balance each other out pretty well so I think he thinks that this is another one of my anal planning things and doesn't fully realize that it actually does take a lot of planning

It's possible he doesn't want a big wedding, or a wedding that requires a lot of planning. Like everyone else here said, you guys have terrible communication. Talk to him.

 

[moon]

He needed a couch? Really? A couch is not a necessity. Nor a washer and dryer.

I hope for your sake you are not making a big and costly mistake here

 

[laughinplace199]

Honestly, I think he thinks I'm overreacting about how much time the planning can take. He's a very slow and steady kind of guy, and he tends to take the "it'll get done one way or another" kind of attitude, while I'm the one micro-planning and making lists upon lists. We balance each other out pretty well so I think he thinks that this is another one of my anal planning things and doesn't fully realize that it actually does take a lot of planning

But this is what I don't get - why haven't you two sat down and discussed this? It seems like you're stressing out over this when a simple conversation should clear everything up.

I don't think you two have the great communication skills that you think you do. I don't say this to be mean - I just think you need to open your eyes and see that this "drama" is completely the result of a lack of communication between the two of you.