He won't propose!

[emilily88]

I think OP is in love with the idea if planning and having a big fancy wedding. The actual marriage seems to be an after thought.

Uh ABSOLUTELY not!! The reason I want to get married is so we can be married! Do I want a nice wedding? Of course. Most women do. But if all I cared about was a wedding, I would be saving my money for a wedding gown, not a couch honestly, if it weren't for our parents who would probably disown us if we eloped, I'd be fine with going to Vegas this weekend we have already agreed to do premarital counseling together before we get married because we want our marriage to be strong, especially when we have children. I really don't want a "big fancy wedding". I just want to be married to my best friend.

 

[WowLookAtThat]

Uh ABSOLUTELY not!! The reason I want to get married is so we can be married! Do I want a nice wedding? Of course. Most women do. But if all I cared about was a wedding, I would be saving my money for a wedding gown, not a couch honestly, if it weren't for our parents who would probably disown us if we eloped, I'd be fine with going to Vegas this weekend we have already agreed to do premarital counseling together before we get married because we want our marriage to be strong, especially when we have children. I really don't want a "big fancy wedding". I just want to be married to my best friend.

Well, that may be true but ask yourself this.

Would you be willing to have a courthouse wedding with just your parents and/or siblings? If the wedding was yanked away from you, would you still be pushing and waiting to be engaged?

 

[Vidia2]

No one knows exactly what this guy is thinking, not even you (OP) apparently. He seems to be passively just going along. The thing that keeps going through my mind while reading your comments is that you seem to "know" that you're getting married but you don't really know. Let's say you have a talk with him and he "goes along" with getting married and then he just goes along with everything else and you're the one making the effort of planning your lives (specifically your life around his) and giving up things for the marriage.

Is this guy going to also go along with the idea of starting a family before he really wants to? You can undo a marriage when one party suddenly pipes up and says, "I just went along with you because I didn't want to hurt your feelings."

You can't undo children.

Maybe we're all wrong here and he's got some ring in his suit coat pocket but there are a lot of red flags to suggest that he's not being honest about something.

Since you asked the internet for advice, here's mine: Change the balance of power in this relationship. There are a lot of books written on how to do that.

JMO but I think he'd be more likely to propose if he were a little unsure of what your answer would be.

Sorry if this sounds harsh. What do your friends say?

 

[emilily88]

Well, that may be true but ask yourself this. Would you be willing to have a courthouse wedding with just your parents and/or siblings? If the wedding was yanked away from you, would you still be pushing and waiting to be engaged?

I absolutely would. I would still want the dress but I don't need or want a big fancy wedding. Of course, I want to have time to plan it, hence the pushing, but if it was an option to do a courthouse wedding, I would do it in a heartbeat.

 

[emilily88]

No one knows exactly what this guy is thinking, not even you (OP) apparently. He seems to be passively just going along. The thing that keeps going through my mind while reading your comments is that you seem to "know" that you're getting married but you don't really know. Let's say you have a talk with him and he "goes along" with getting married and then he just goes along with everything else and you're the one making the effort of planning your lives (specifically your life around his) and giving up things for the marriage. Is this guy going to also go along with the idea of starting a family before he really wants to? You can undo a marriage when one party suddenly pipes up and says, "I just went along with you because I didn't want to hurt your feelings." You can't undo children. Maybe we're all wrong here and he's got some ring in his suit coat pocket but there are a lot of red flags to suggest that he's not being honest about something. Since you asked the internet for advice, here's mine: Change the balance of power in this relationship. There are a lot of books written on how to do that. JMO but I think he'd be more likely to propose if he were a little unsure of what your answer would be. Sorry if this sounds harsh. What do your friends say?

Haha there is no question that I will say yes! He knows I love him more than anything my friends are also getting impatient for him to propose - they love him and they love us together. I'm thankful they aren't the type of friends to ambush him or pressure him about proposing though! Mostly they're just excited to see where life takes us

 

[pigletgirl]

Uh ABSOLUTELY not!! The reason I want to get married is so we can be married! Do I want a nice wedding? Of course. Most women do. But if all I cared about was a wedding, I would be saving my money for a wedding gown, not a couch honestly, if it weren't for our parents who would probably disown us if we eloped, I'd be fine with going to Vegas this weekend we have already agreed to do premarital counseling together before we get married because we want our marriage to be strong, especially when we have children. I really don't want a "big fancy wedding". I just want to be married to my best friend.

Have you ever entertained the thought that he isn't ready?

Those are all very nice ideas. But why are you putting so much heartache in something that isn't even happening? Are your friends engaged and married? Are you jealous of them? There is no rush.

 

[emilily88]

Have you ever entertained the thought that he isn't ready? Those are all very nice ideas. But why are you putting so much heartache in something that isn't even happening? Are your friends engaged and married? Are you jealous of them? There is no rush.

He says he is and I trust him on it. I know he could be afraid to say otherwise but until his words and/or actions say he isn't ready, I'm going to believe he is. The majority of my friends are married and have been for at least 5 years, but I knew at 19 I wasn't ready to get married! so my friends being married is definitely not a new thing for me!

 

[HM]

Nothing against this poster personally, but I really really dislike this mentality that just because we're young, we shouldn't have nice things. If we have saved our money with the purpose of buying things for our life together, why shouldn't we? We don't have a mortgage or children, and we aren't breaking the bank because we want a nice piece of furniture. He was fortunate enough to buy his sister's used (but still in excellent condition!) table and chairs when he moved into his apartment with his roommate previously, and the bed he is using/we will be using has been his since he was 10. It's not like we bought an entire houseful of furniture.

No problem. My point is that you don't have to have everything when you first start a home together. It's good that you can afford nice things, but is now the right time to buy them?

 

[emilily88]

No problem. My point is that you don't have to have everything when you first start a home together. It's good that you can afford nice things, but is now the right time to buy them?

No I totally see your point. That's why we only went with a couch I'm hoping we will be able to buy a new piece of furniture every few years rather than drop a ton of money on everything at once later!

 

[roomthreeseventeen]

He says he is and I trust him on it. I know he could be afraid to say otherwise but until his words and/or actions say he isn't ready, I'm going to believe he is. The majority of my friends are married and have been for at least 5 years, but I knew at 19 I wasn't ready to get married! so my friends being married is definitely not a new thing for me!

Sorry, but you're missing EVERYONE'S point. His actions say he isn't ready. You don't have a ring or a date or a venue.

 

[emilily88]

Sorry, but you're missing EVERYONE'S point. His actions say he isn't ready. You don't have a ring or a date or a venue.

I'm obviously not the only girl whose boyfriend was a little slow on proposing - a PP even said her DH chickened out a few times before he asked. I was looking for advice from other people who have been in this limbo of "we've looked at rings but he hasn't proposed yet". As I've said in many previous posts... We DO have a date (picked tentatively by process of elimination) and the venue is the church he grew up in.

 

[WowLookAtThat]

Look no offense but I don't think he is ready and pushing him while also buying furniture and planning things is only going to send him away. Let things happen naturally and in their own time. His actions are saying he would like to wait so why not just enjoy each other? There really isn't a rush except the one you are placing. I was with my husband for years before we got married and we got together pretty young. Could I have pushed for marriage? Sure, but there wasn't really a point as we were still forming into our own people and growing closer.

You said "Of course, I want to have time to plan it, hence the pushing, but if it was an option to do a courthouse wedding, I would do it in a heartbeat. "

A marriage is more than a wedding. There shouldn't be "pushing" so you can plan the event.

 

[usnuzuloose]

You need a ring, a proposal and a set date. I would be asking him if you are ready why do I not have a ring and a proposal. I have know idea what your full relationship entails, but there is certainly enough red flags that state he is not ready.

You should be able to sit down and talk about this. If you can't that is a huge problem. You can't make someone do something they don't want to do. Or get into something that is not right for you. I would take time to think about it.

 

[emilily88]

Look no offense but I don't think he is ready and pushing him while also buying furniture and planning things is only going to send him away. Let things happen naturally and in their own time. His actions are saying he would like to wait so why not just enjoy each other? You said "Of course, I want to have time to plan it, hence the pushing, but if it was an option to do a courthouse wedding, I would do it in a heartbeat. " A marriage is more than a wedding. There shouldn't be "pushing" so you can plan the event.

1. Buying furniture was his idea, not mine, although I offered to help pay for it.

2. I am FULLY aware marriage is more than a wedding. As I said earlier, I would skip the wedding if it was a possibility, but for us, it's not. I'm looking forward to getting married in June, hopefully, not having a wedding in June. Wedding is just how the marriage has to begin.

 

[WowLookAtThat]

1. Buying furniture was his idea, not mine, although I offered to help pay for it.

2. I am FULLY aware marriage is more than a wedding. As I said earlier, I would skip the wedding if it was a possibility, but for us, it's not. I'm looking forward to getting married in June, hopefully, not having a wedding in June. Wedding is just how the marriage has to begin.

Why is it not a possibility?

 

[emilily88]

Why is it not a possibility?

He is Catholic and wants the wedding in a Catholic Church so it is blessed by the Church. Also, our parents would have a fit if they weren't there for it so we are keeping it small.

 

[pigletgirl]

1. Buying furniture was his idea, not mine, although I offered to help pay for it. 2. I am FULLY aware marriage is more than a wedding. As I said earlier, I would skip the wedding if it was a possibility, but for us, it's not. I'm looking forward to getting married in June, hopefully, not having a wedding in June. Wedding is just how the marriage has to begin.

What if he never proposes?

Reminds me of the girl who has a wedding dress in the closet with nothing to wear it for. There is no deadline. Why are you wanting it in June? Are you pregnant? Why couldn't it be June 2015?

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP, first, please understand that what I am saying is with the very best of intentions. Remember, some of us have been around the block quite a few times, and have a few more wrinkles than you do....

First, YOU just up and paid for half of the furniture because you felt just SO giving. Giving... Giving... Giving... and yet he can't seam to give you a ring, or any other bit of piece of mind.....

The writing is on the wall here...
You are making every classic submissive-giving female mistake that so many before you have made... and wished they knew better.

we have already agreed to do premarital counseling together before we get married because we want our marriage to be strong, especially when we have children. I really don't want a "big fancy wedding". I just want to be married to my best friend.

And, this counseling, again, is part of the process and commitment that he just hasn't quite been able to do, yet... MAYBE ONE DAY... ( "I PROMISE, BABY.... T R U S T M E... " truly famous last words. )

I am going to go out on a limb here and say that I hope that any premarital counseling doesn't bring a lot of these issues and lack of communication to light in a way that will really surprise and disappoint you.

OP, I know that it is just so hard to see this thru those rose colored glasses.. ( NOT judging... BTDT myself 25 years ago....) But, what you have is NOT communication. It is not him actually answering any of your questions... It is not a 50/50 proposition... It is "Maybe, one day, if and when I decide....." What I see, instead of 50/50 communication is a very vague and passive-aggressive (passive, as in, yes, he is being passive... he is not actually proposing, booking HIS church, etc.. he is just, as another post said... sitting back and letting you carry all of this. And continue to make it just SO easy for him, and to give, and give, and give, and wait and wait... and give some more.

First this... then college... then that... then I get MY own place... then that... yada... yada... yada....

At what point, to him, does being married and making you his wife make it up to first priority????

Like so many others, I was in your shoes....
Not with the marriage proposal... but with SO many other issues, including future planning... and the fact that I didn't seem to be anywhere in the picture in a 50/50 way. etc... etc...

OP, you can NOT make him propose to you....
realize that, right now.. this moment....
Even if you could keep trying to plan and 'discuss', and add pressure...
That would be a huge mistake...
That is not what you want.

That is not how things should be.
Him in control, and you hoping, and waiting, and begging... for, well, everything.
He is CHOOSING to move into his own place, without you having that commitment. Without it being the two of you, with his ring on your finger.
His priorities are clear.

For your own self esteem and well being... be truthful with yourself here.
Do not do, or buy, one single thing... until you have a ring on your finger, and a man ( either him, or some other man) that you do not feel you have to beg and plead with on 50/50 issues. Because, that is what passes as 'communication' with the guy.

He will make HIS own personal decisions.
And, you must be responsible for making yours.

I hate to quote a stupid song...
But, as Beyonce so wisely says....

 

[WowLookAtThat]

Ok, I don't get why you are rushing for June? Why the rush?

 

[emilily88]

What if he never proposes? Reminds me of the girl who has a wedding dress in the closet with nothing to wear it for. There is no deadline. Why are you wanting it in June? Are you pregnant? Why couldn't it be June 2015?

See previous posts about why it has to be in June, although PPs have brought up the idea of doing it over spring break

It CAN be June 2015. I just was hoping for sooner so we can begin our life together.

Definitely not pregnant