He won't propose!

[dansamy]

We did live together before marriage, but we had clear cut expectations of who paid for what before we did. We didn't sign a joint lease. We rented from an individual.

 

[FireDancer]

How old are you guys?

It really could be a lot of things. Maybe he has cold feet because he is young and he isn't sure if he has had his fun yet so he really doesn't want to settle down. Maybe he doesn't have the money for a ring yet and is a little embarrassed about it. Maybe he isn't sure if you guys see eye to eye on some important things that he isn't sure how to bring up (number of kids and stuff like that). Maybe he is shopping around but doesn't want to cut bait until he finds someone else. Maybe you used the word halfsies in front of him and and he re-evaluated the relationship's long term potential.

First, I wouldn't start planning anything (or buying appliances for the love of God) until everything is official and you are moved in. Second, I'd sit down and really talk with him. If you guys can't communicate about this kind of stuff now how will you communicate about things in the future? That is asking for a doomed marriage from the start. Third, I'd never use halfsies in a conversation again. Ever.

This is one of those conversations that should be between the two of you, not with us. Personally I think you are nuts to marry anyone you haven't lived with first but to each their own.

 

[emilily88]

OP, dh and I were a lot like you and your bf. We dated through college (I graduated before him because he changed his major part-way through.) I was out in the working world and he was still in school. We dated for 3 years before he finally proposed - and then we were still engaged for 2 more years which had us getting married at 25 and 26. We discussed marriage all the time and knew that we WOULD be getting married. We never looked at rings, because I'm not the type that wanted to pick my own out.

Once he finally proposed, he confessed that he had tried 2 times before, but "chickened" out because the setting wasn't quite the way he wanted it at the time. I wasn't in any hurry for the proposal, so I wasn't even aware that he had had my ring with him those other 2 times!

The 2 year engagement was perfect for us because I didn't have to stress over the planning.

I know it's hard, but I'd just remain patient - unless you really just want to have the sit down conversation of "so what's the deal anyway - are we engaged or what?"

Yes, this sounds EXACTLY like us! I graduated a year before him, being a year older, so we both had discussed that we wanted to wait until we had both graduated and gotten jobs before getting engaged - it's a matter of when, not if.

 

[goofyintoronto]

This. It reminds me of Charlotte and what's-his-name (the last husband) in SATC -- "Set the date! Set the date!" Sounds like you are doing a lot of planning....him, maybe not so much.

Sent from me.

Yes, I like that episode. I laugh when women give that advice “give him an ultimatum”. Ultimatums can back fire. You don’t want to pressure him into it if he isn’t ready. Everyone moves at a different pace.

 

[emilily88]

Yes, I like that episode. I laugh when women give that advice “give him an ultimatum”. Ultimatums can back fire. You don’t want to pressure him into it if he isn’t ready. Everyone moves at a different pace.

Definitely. I wouldn't even be bringing it up with him unless I knew we were both ready. I don't want to be one of those couples that ends up divorced in 5 years because we rushed into things!

 

[RitaE]

So he is just moving into an apartment?

I have to ask, is he just moving out of his parent's house?

It could very well be that he just isn't ready to get married yet and he wants to have some time on his own before marriage. We keep telling you that you need to communicate better with him, I am honestly starting to wonder if he also needs to communicate better with you because the words you are typing here are not matching the actions.

You really need to quit making major purchases with him. I know you keep repeating that you are 100% confident about this and I'm not here to throw a bucket of cold water over your head .... but slow the heck down. There is plenty of time for co-furniture and appliance shopping once you are married or at the very least co-habitating. Until then, you are not a financial unit. You are two separate people and you need to respect that boundary for your own safety.

You keep telling us that you are "Traditional" so I'll just bluntly say it. It is not "Traditional" to get your girlfriend to buy 1/2 your furniture when she lives someplace else. No way.

 

[emilily88]

So he is just moving into an apartment?

I have to ask, is he just moving out of his parent's house?

It could very well be that he just isn't ready to get married yet and he wants to have some time on his own before marriage. We keep telling you that you need to communicate better with him, I am honestly starting to wonder if he also needs to communicate better with you because the words you are typing here are not matching the actions.

You really need to quit making major purchases with him. I know you keep repeating that you are 100% confident about this and I'm not here to throw a bucket of cold water over your head .... but slow the heck down. There is plenty of time for co-furniture and appliance shopping once you are married or at the very least co-habitating. Until then, you are not a financial unit. You are two separate people and you need to respect that boundary for your own safety.

You keep telling us that you are "Traditional" so I'll just bluntly say it. It is not "Traditional" to get your girlfriend to buy 1/2 your furniture when she lives someplace else. No way.

Here was our thought. Our plan is to get married in June, and when he and his last roommate went their separate ways, his roommate got the living room furniture, leaving him in need of a couch. I knew I wanted to get a certain style of couch once we got married, so what's the point in buying a couch now just to get a new one when we get married in 8 months?

Same with appliances. This apartment comes with washer/dryer connections, while his last apartment came with a washer/dryer included. He needed appliances, what's the point in waiting 8 months to buy them?

 

[lovemygoofy]

Definitely. I wouldn't even be bringing it up with him unless I knew we were both ready. I don't want to be one of those couples that ends up divorced in 5 years because we rushed into things!

The only person that you know is 100% ready is you. You never ever totally know that someone else is ready unless the question has been popped or that person is waiting at the other end of the isle(heck sometimes then it can still be dicey!)

I think you need to relax. Just enjoy. It sounds like your boyfriend is going through adjustments right now with graduating college and getting a job and now his own apartment. It can be a lot of change for anyone and if you are bringing up marriage now but no real definitive conversations have happened with true planning. You aren't getting married yet.
Where do you live if you just bought him stuff?

 

[emilily88]

Where do you live if you just bought him stuff?

Ha... here's the story. I had an apartment of my own and moved back in with my parents to save money. He moved out of his parent's house a month later into an apartment with a roommate. Last December, his roommate decided to break their lease with 3 weeks' notice, so DBF moved back in with his parents, as it was the only option at that time. He's a teacher, so he didn't have a full-time job until June (yay that he doesn't have to subsitute teach anymore!) and didn't want to move out until he knew what side of town he would be teaching on. So I live with my parents, he is currently with his parents as a stepping stone to his next apartment.

 

[o0quirkygirl0o]

My fiancee and I talked about getting married for a long time. We even talked about getting married on a specific date 11-11-11. Guess when we are actually getting married? 10-19-13.

Yeah.

SLOOOOOOOOOW down. You may not actually be getting married for a few years.

Also, I have to agree that it isn't smart to buy things together until you live together. Washers and dryers are not necessary and you can get a cheap second hand couch to use for a little while. Also, weddings can get expensive. Save your money until you know how much the wedding is going to cost.

 

[jrmasm]

Here was our thought. Our plan is to get married in June, and when he and his last roommate went their separate ways, his roommate got the living room furniture, leaving him in need of a couch. I knew I wanted to get a certain style of couch once we got married, so what's the point in buying a couch now just to get a new one when we get married in 8 months?

Same with appliances. This apartment comes with washer/dryer connections, while his last apartment came with a washer/dryer included. He needed appliances, what's the point in waiting 8 months to buy them?

What kind of couch did your bf want?

I'm sorry but based on your own words, you sound controlling and little immature. I don't think that bodes well for your relationship and is probably directly related to the missing proposal.

I think it's time for you forget about getting married, relax and enjoy your youth. It will happen when it's time for it to happen.

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

I agree that you need to slow down.

Neither of you has made the jump to full adulthood. He's got a brand new job. You're both living with parents. Tons of adjustment. I think it's much healthier to live on your own first, figure out how to stand on your own two feet, and then get married. June 2015 sounds like a great idea.

 

[abdmom]

Here was our thought. Our plan is to get married in June, and when he and his last roommate went their separate ways, his roommate got the living room furniture, leaving him in need of a couch. I knew I wanted to get a certain style of couch once we got married, so what's the point in buying a couch now just to get a new one when we get married in 8 months?

Same with appliances. This apartment comes with washer/dryer connections, while his last apartment came with a washer/dryer included. He needed appliances, what's the point in waiting 8 months to buy them?

HE could buy these things. Like a $20 folding chair to sit on. It doesn't cost anything to sit on the floor. A used washer and dryer are cheap.

Nothing in life is 100%. You're essentially buying him hundreds of dollars in gifts.

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

You say you don't care if your wedding isn't perfect. I can guarantee that you will have slim pickins on a lot of things if you try to get married next June. And I think you do care about things like that, or you wouldn't be buying your boyfriend the couch YOU want now, before you are even engaged.

 

[TinkerBelled]

OP, I have some sympathy for you. I'm assuming based on your posts that traditional means you won't be living together before marriage, which puts an awful lot of pressure on the engagement. My husband and I were together a little over four years before we got married, but the frustrations were blunted by living together for the eighteen months before our wedding.

I can only imagine that the pressures are significantly enhanced when you're waiting to start a life together, rather than confirming the life you already have. In this situation, marriage is not just about joining two people together in love, but about a whole host of huge life changes: living with someone, figuring out how to be your private self in front of another person, and dealing with the messy realities of day-to-day life. (I never thought I would get snappish about dishes. I was wrong.) I respect your desire to stay traditional, but this does mean that weddings are a far more seismic event than easing into a long-term relationship through prior commitment.

It's very possible that you're looking at the joys of marriage--the enormous intimacy of knowing someone so closely, the sheer fun of decorating a house--while he's looking at the difficulties--the lack of freedom inherent in yoking yourself to someone else and the compromises that ensue.

(I hasten to add that this is not because you're a woman and he's a man--I know plenty of couples in which the men looked at the joys and the women were apprehensive--but because you sound like you're at different places in your lives.)

Is it really June or bust? I know people like to have time off around their weddings, but if you don't mind delaying your honeymoon, you can really cut it down to a day or two off of work. This would make other dates more flexible, so it wouldn't feel like you have to do it in 8 months or 20 months (the former being quite soon and the latter quite far).

At its heart, though, I have to counsel patience. Previous posters are right: it's about communication. Are you really sure that he's ready to take this step towards marriage in a concrete way? Have you talked about any apprehensions he might have? I know that in my relationship, my husband has sometimes concealed apprehensions or frustrations out of fear of bothering or worrying me. If it's clear that this is something you want--and is something he does want, but not right away--he could be shying away from telling you in fear of hurting your feelings. You need to tell him that honesty is more important than sparing your feelings. It's just one of many difficult, messy, hurtful conversations that make up any marriage. You might not like what he has to say, but you do have to listen.

If he's clear that he does want to get married, even after you ask for honesty, and you insist on a very traditional proposal where he asks you, then all you can do is wait.

 

[HM]

When my DH and I moved in together at ages 25/26, we did not have a couch or any furniture except a bed and dresser. We used large cushions for sitting in the living room and had our small tv set up on a box. We bought enough kitchen stuff to make food and serve ourselves. We ended up with hand me downs from our parents eventually to outfit he apartment, but not at first. It was years before we bought any furniture.

I really feel like you're rushing everything in your life.

 

[emilily88]

I agree that you need to slow down. Neither of you has made the jump to full adulthood. He's got a brand new job. You're both living with parents. Tons of adjustment. I think it's much healthier to live on your own first, figure out how to stand on your own two feet, and then get married. June 2015 sounds like a great idea.

I lived on my own for 4 years before moving back in with my parents, I worked 3 jobs to put myself through college, and the only reason I didn't move back out is to save money for marriage. DBF lived on his own for a year and a half and has only been back home for 8 months, while working two jobs and student teaching throughout college. We both know how to stand on our own two feet quite well

 

[flamingglobessigmund]

Just my 2¢…

He can get a used couch & truck on over to the laundromat for 8 months. Or even take his laundry back to his parents' house to do. I wouldn't be co-buying any furniture or appliances for a place I'm not living. You really don't know when you're going to live there. Could be 8 months. Could be a few years. Let him sort out these details that people living alone have to deal with.

 

[Surfinpiratee]

He might think that was all he had to dobwas talk about it, I would let him know you want to be proposed too. He may not even know

 

[roomthreeseventeen]

Yeah, OP, slow down. Stop thinking you're getting married next June and just try being young and in love. If you get married three years from now, great. 24 and 25 is super young.