He won't propose!

[emilily88]

I agree! she said he had the money for a ring.. but here is the funny thing if he has the money for a ring why in the heck is she paying for half the furniture an apartment that she won't be living in for a while?? yeah given it might be their furniture as a married couple someday but right now it's his furniture that she helped pay half for that he should of just bought himself if he has the money. That is what confuses me.

Honestly, that one was my choice. I felt bad for us talking about getting married so soon but making him pay for everything. It didn't seem fair to me and I know I'm gonna get jumped all over for saying that but I wanted to help out with things that would only be "his" for a few months.

 

[emilily88]

Both are also living with their parents, because they can't afford to live on their own.

Um no. I'm living with my parents to save money, not because I don't have money. This is part of the reason I DO have money.

As I mentioned earlier, DBF moved back home because he was given less than three weeks to move out and couldn't find anywhere else to live.

 

[ryansstitch]

My fiancee and I talked about getting married for a long time. We even talked about getting married on a specific date 11-11-11. Guess when we are actually getting married? 10-19-13. Yeah. SLOOOOOOOOOW down. You may not actually be getting married for a few years. Also, I have to agree that it isn't smart to buy things together until you live together. Washers and dryers are not necessary and you can get a cheap second hand couch to use for a little while. Also, weddings can get expensive. Save your money until you know how much the wedding is going to cost.

What a coincidence! I had a situation similar to OP, and we did marry on 11/11/11! I agree, don't buy anything else together. As the ticks on, if he does keep waiting, trust me, it WILL bother you! You don't want to straddle the fence between wife and girlfriend, it's so much unnecessary stress. My husband was afraid of the responsibility of marriage and fatherhood, unbeknownst to me. When he had to relocate, I went too, as we had long discussed marriage before then. I "knew" we would get married and we did, but getting ahead of yourself may allow you to prepare in some ways, it's still not worth it. We didn't marry until 2.5 years after, and at times I felt like an idiot sitting there without even a real proposal. I can't speak for you or your Dbf, but I have learned from my husband and other men that proposals DO have meaning to them, it's a commitment, without it, no commitment made. You just have to decide how long you want to wait, and communicate as other posters stated.

 

[emilily88]

He needed a couch? Really? A couch is not a necessity. Nor a washer and dryer. I hope for your sake you are not making a big and costly mistake here

Again... Why is buying things that we can afford a bad thing?? Because I'm 25? Is there a rule that says that you must sit on goodwill furniture until you turn 30?? Sorry we don't prefer to sit on the floor.

 

[pigletgirl]

I know, I was really really nervous about that honestly, I know that aspect of it sounds crazy but I know us and I know we're getting married, it's just a matter of when

That is a pretty bold move to make. It seems as though you've put your whole heart into this before anything is official. I know it's hard, but if you love him, you will do what is best for the relationship and that is not to hen peck him for a ring
.

 

[emilily88]

What a coincidence! I had a situation similar to OP, and we did marry on 11/11/11! I agree, don't buy anything else together. As the ticks on, if he does keep waiting, trust me, it WILL bother you! You don't want to straddle the fence between wife and girlfriend, it's so much unnecessary stress. My husband was afraid of the responsibility of marriage and fatherhood, unbeknownst to me. When he had to relocate, I went too, as we had long discussed marriage before then. I "knew" we would get married and we did, but getting ahead of yourself may allow you to prepare in some ways, it's still not worth it. We didn't marry until 2.5 years after, and at times I felt like an idiot sitting there without even a real proposal. I can't speak for you or your Dbf, but I have learned from my husband and other men that proposals DO have meaning to them, it's a commitment, without it, no commitment made. You just have to decide how long you want to wait, and communicate as other posters stated.

Thank you for sharing!! It's a little comforting to know other people have been where I am it's really challenging sometimes!

 

[moon]

Again... Why is buying things that we can afford a bad thing?? Because I'm 25? Is there a rule that says that you must sit on goodwill furniture until you turn 30?? Sorry we don't prefer to sit on the floor.

No one has said anything close to that. Is just that some of us think is not wise to buy furniture for a place you are not even living in, with someone you don't have any legal ties to.

You say you are a 100% convinced you'll marry. But on another post you say you hope you are being inpatient, and not that he is changing his mind...no one can be a 100% sure about what someone else will do, no matter how well you think you know them

We are just giving our opinions...because you asked

 

[kwelch10377]

Again... Why is buying things that we can afford a bad thing?? Because I'm 25? Is there a rule that says that you must sit on goodwill furniture until you turn 30?? Sorry we don't prefer to sit on the floor.

I think the issue is that you are buying these nice things together when you don't even live together. There is no reason why these things had to be purchased now before you are living together. There is no way that I would be paying half for furniture/appliances for an apt that I don't live in. Right now it is his apt and it should be on him to purchase them. The intent maybe for you to get move in together and get married, but the reality is neither of those have happened yet nor is there a timing offifcally in place for either to happen.

You either need to sit down with him and lay everything out on table or just back off and when it happens, it happens and then you start planning.

 

[pigletgirl]

Again... Why is buying things that we can afford a bad thing?? Because I'm 25? Is there a rule that says that you must sit on goodwill furniture until you turn 30?? Sorry we don't prefer to sit on the floor.

It's not the fact that you are 25. It's the fact that you've invested quite a bit into this whole notion of the engagement and marriage before anything is official. Let him get his own stuff. I think you need to back off a bit. It's a bit much.

 

[ryansstitch]

Thank you for sharing!! It's a little comforting to know other people have been where I am it's really challenging sometimes!

Glad to help, but really it's part warning! Keep your boundaries in line, it will give you much more peace. As an aside, ask him what he thinks marriage will be like. A LOT of men are secretive about their marital fears, and it comes out as feet dragging. I asked DH many times if he was nervous or worried. He said no until one day he finally told me it was overwhelming to him. We married at 28 and 29. Btw, 25 is not too young. In fact I think early 20s is great timing. You're not too set in your own ways of living yet and you can do a lot of growing together so long as you really love each other! The couples I know who married for the right reasons when they were young, are happily married right now. I can't say the same for many of the couples I know who married older. DH and I were 5 years post graduate school, and living on our own a long time. So we were a little set in our ways before marriage...

 

[emilily88]

No I see y'all's point. I do know I should back off but I am clearly not good at that and the furniture thing... I mean, obviously I can't go back on it now and I do have faith that it was the right thing to do so we will see

And the thing about me saying I hope he doesn't change his mind was a joke

 

[gottaluvPluto]

I see a bunch of red flags!

Men/boys will tell you anything to get what they want. You truly don't know his intentions until you have a ring on your finger, and even then it is iffy. I know a lot of girls that have been engaged numerous times and the guys just used them for years.

Also, you might think you have great communication, but in reality you don't. You need to go to him with your fears/questions about the proposal. If you do that, then you have some form of communication. Right now, you just have a bunch of baloney.

 

[RitaE]

Again... Why is buying things that we can afford a bad thing?? Because I'm 25? Is there a rule that says that you must sit on goodwill furniture until you turn 30?? Sorry we don't prefer to sit on the floor.

I don't think you are understanding what people are saying. Nobody thinks you shouldn't buy a couch because you are young. They are saying that you are buying big items to support his household, with no formal connection to any ownership of the household.

When they say "he could do x, y, or z" they are saying that he shouldn't need your financial support to run HIS house. He can figure out how to pay for it, or he can do something cheaper. Whatever the case may be, YOU are sinking your resources into building a nest, with a very tenuous promise of maybe someday down the road whenever, you might get to live there.

You said you moved back home with your parents to save money for the marriage, so I suggest that is what you do. Save money for yourself and then if it turns out that a wedding is happening, then you will have the money to share with him. And if a wedding isn't happening, then you still will have the money.

 

[GotLabradors]

I think OP is in love with the idea if planning and having a big fancy wedding. The actual marriage seems to be an after thought.

 

[TinkerBelled]

Thank you for sharing!! It's a little comforting to know other people have been where I am it's really challenging sometimes!

I just want to say: don't despair! You know your boyfriend far better than we, and it's important to trust people you love. People are being cautious, and caution is good advice, but waiting to propose isn't--heck, even having anxieties about marriage--certainly isn't the same thing as not wanting or planning to get married.

I was sure about getting married about four months before my husband was. And I was ready to be married about nine months before he was. That means there were five months there where he was sure he wanted to get married but wasn't ready to do it. It was really tough sometimes, but I trusted him and waited for him to be ready too. (I had no particular interest in being traditional, so there was added burden in waiting for me: I felt it was buying into a whole gender thing that I wasn't comfortable with.)

In the end, though, I decided that marriage was based on trust, and that being ready to marry him meant I had to be ready to trust him when he said that he wanted to marry me. Let's put it this way: I considered us married in our hearts long before we were married on paper. Trust and patience is a huge part of marriage--I was just practicing.

I'm not suggesting being foolish--and I don't think you are being foolish. If worse comes to worst, you're out a couple appliances and a couch. You haven't taken on a huge amount of debt, you haven't postponed your life or plans, and you haven't made any complicated contracts. If you had done any of these things, I think there would be real reason to worry. If, heaven forbid, you guys do split, I doubt the couple thousand you spent on furnishings will be your number one worry.

Sometimes, you have to trust the person you love--not blindly, not foolishly, but patiently and kindly. Give yourself a break, and give him one too.

 

[roomthreeseventeen]

I think OP is in love with the idea if planning and having a big fancy wedding. The actual marriage seems to be an after thought.

/endthread

 

[pigletgirl]

I think OP is in love with the idea if planning and having a big fancy wedding. The actual marriage seems to be an after thought.

Yes!!

And in reality, the wedding is such a small snippet of your lives that if you have no foundation of communication the wedding won't mean anything. Marriage is hard work. Remember that. It isn't all sunshine and roses.

 

[moon]

No I see y'all's point. I do know I should back off but I am clearly not good at that and the furniture thing... I mean, obviously I can't go back on it now and I do have faith that it was the right thing to do so we will see

And the thing about me saying I hope he doesn't change his mind was a joke

Sorry I misunderstood.

 

[Leighbra]

I haven't read through everything, but I don't think you're being a Bridezilla. Society puts so much pressure on women to plan their perfect wedding, to make it seem like napkin colors & table cloth materials are all that's important. It's very hard to break away from that.

You don't want to say to him "Why won't you ask me to marry you?!" & have him barf out a "will you marry me?".

I don't know what's going on with him, but if you want to stay in the relationship, you'll have to wait it out. Sorry, I know you're dealing with big things here & it sucks to be patient.

And do everything you can to let go of the resentment you may be feeling. Resentment is the most thorough way to destroy a present or future marriage. You start seeing EVERYTHING as a slight (He leaves the toilet seat up because he hates me! She paid that bill late to mess with me!). Might be time for a new hobby to fill your time. Wedding planning can become your fulltime hobby after he proposes.

Good luck!

 

[pixiewings71]

The reason we can only do June is because DBF is a high school band teacher, which means August-May are out of the question and he spends most of July doing band camp, preparing for school, etc.

This is not true, you can get married during the school year, just do it on your Christmas break or even Spring Break. And don't forget, you can get married anytime and have a honeymoon anytime after that, you don't have to honeymoon right away, many people don't. So marry when the time is right, honeymoon in June. But yes, slow down and stop buying things for HIS apartment, it isn't YOURS, it's HIS, he needs to buy the stuff for it not you. If this doesn't work out the way you want it to you won't get that stuff back.