Graduation dilemma...your opinions please

[donnajz]

DD18 is graduating this year. In lieu of a grad party, we are going to Disney. Please let me preface this by saying we live modestly and like so many, live pay to pay, so I have had to scrape together the money to take her to her favorite place.

We did not send graduation notices out to family and friends. My thought is if someone wants to send her a gift, that is up to them. I'm not one to prompt anyone to send her a gift. Now...her's my dilemma. My cousin's step daughter is also graduating; however, the date of her party is the day we will be leaving for Disney. My cousin knows we will not be here for her party, yet she sent a very nice invitation. To me, this is like asking for money which kind of upsets me. I can guarantee they won't be sending DD18 anything...but then again, we are not having a party. I'm torn as to whether or not to send something. Your opinions...please....

 

[maggiew]

Well, I kind of disagree. I sent out invitations and announcements to my family who we wanted to spend the day with. I even sent them out to people who I knew couldn't make it because they were out of town. However, I didn't want them to feel left out. I don't know if people thought it was a gift grab or not? But that wasn't my intention.

Just send a card and head to Disney with a clear mind.

Maggie

 

[Allison]

I can't see being upset about it. Frankly, even if I knew someone wouldn't be able to make it, I would still send an invitation. It would seem odd to me to leave out a family member even knowing they can't come and the intention wouldn't be to ask for money.

If you want to send something, send it, if not don't.

I think you are making a thing out of something that isn't one.

ETA-I have sent invitations to family that I knew couldn't make it because of the distance involved. It wasn't to ask for money, it was to make sure they knew they were welcome and included and that we had thought of them.

 

[Jedana]

Information not needed to answer your question, but I'm posting it anyways:
DD sent out grad announcements, but told everyone that is what they were, announcements, not invites. She only gets 10 tickets, and 3 are gone for us, so she had to pick and choose to invite. I did the announcements on Shutterfly, it's just a panoramic type card (long) with 8 pictures of her from this year, and her name, grad date and school.
We are doing her party the day before graduation, so she can have her friends come; most of them are busy with their families the day of graduation, plus the night of graduation DH has to work at the church (he's doing the lighting for their spring musical and it runs that night). So, she is free after her graduation to go to her friends parties or whatever.

Information about answering your question:
You are not required to send a gift just because you got an announcement or an invite to a party. I would be buying 10 gifts a month if that were the case, between all the kids friends!
And just because you are not having a party doesn't mean she can't get gifts. A good friend sent DD some $$ after receiving her announcement; he lives out on the west coast and wouldn't be able to make it here anyways.

BUT--because it is family--
I would get the cousin a nice card and maybe a small gift (Michael's has a really nice shadowbox for less than $20, fits a picture and a tassle).

 

[Kim♥DISNEY]

I agree with the other posters, but I do see your point. I think it is customary to send an invitation to everyone who would be invited. Some families might get upset if they weren't sent an invitation. I wouldn't worry about it. If you can't afford to send a gift, don't feel obligated to.

... and enjoy your trip with your daughter and congratulations on her graduation.

 

[phred52]

I'd send the grad a card. No gift.

 

[maggiew]

Information not needed to answer your question, but I'm posting it anyways:
DD sent out grad announcements, but told everyone that is what they were, announcements, not invites. She only gets 10 tickets, and 3 are gone for us, so she had to pick and choose to invite. I did the announcements on Shutterfly, it's just a panoramic type card (long) with 8 pictures of her from this year, and her name, grad date and school.
We are doing her party the day before graduation, so she can have her friends come; most of them are busy with their families the day of graduation, plus the night of graduation DH has to work at the church (he's doing the lighting for their spring musical and it runs that night). So, she is free after her graduation to go to her friends parties or whatever.

I was worried about this too because we only got 4 tickets. I read on the "etiquette sites" that you should send out announcements AFTER the ceremony takes place so that there isn't confusion for the recipient. For anyone who is invited to a party, you send the party invitation obviously in time to attend the party.

I think it is customary to send an invitation to everyone who would be invited. Some families might get upset if they weren't sent an invitation.

This, exactly! That is why I sent out invitations to everyone. I didn't want the rumor mill started with , "Well, I didn't get an announcement from ..."

Maggie

 

[Fyrefly]

I don't think announcements are gift grubs - they are simply a proud parents' way of letting you know what has happened!

My party was just a pool party with my friends. I don't have family nearby and I don't recall getting many gifts or money except from my parents and grandmother, and one of my friends got me a poster for my dorm room. Just because I had a party didn't mean I expected gifts from anyone so I wouldn't interpret an invitation that way.

Same thing in college, they sent announcements to people they wanted to know. I got money from a lot of people, other people just sent a congratulations card. Regardless of what they sent, they got a hand-written thank you from me. It doesn't matter what you do - I would say since you're family you should at least send a nice card so the grad knows you're thinking of her. If they didn't send formal announcements, she's probably using party invites instead, and honestly announcements are expensive so I can't blame her.

Don't sweat it. She's probably just like every other grad and wants to celebrate. If she really cares more about getting money out of you than your sincere congratulations she doesn't deserve a gift anyway.

 

[jjsmom]

I don't believe that anyone should feel obligated to give a gift, however, in our culture we've been conditioned to give a gift or a greeting card for every occasion (isn't modern consumerism great?). With that, since it's family, I would still give a small gift like the OP suggested, along with a congratulatory note.
Incidentally, I'm sure your family would understand your financial circumstances and know that you couldn't spring for a lavish gift.

 

[okeydokey]

I'd send the grad a card. No gift.

 

[Jedana]

DD invited all her friends and their families to the party, but no physical invites, just verbal or on FB or via text. My family all lives out west (SD, CO) and his family lives less than 2 hours away (we're in Jax FL, they are in Screeven/Jesup/Douglas, GA) and aren't coming to anything. Partly in their defense, DH's cousin is getting married (on the same day as graduation!) so most of them will be attending that.

As far as attending graduation, again, they are all far away, and as broke as we are. The only two who might have made it were my oldest DD and their favorite cousin. However, DD1 is stuck with college until the week after DD2 graduates and their cousin was coming, but medical issues have forced her to abandon her trip.

Gifts? DD got some $$ from a family friend; DD1 is sending her a gc; and her BFF (who lives closer to DD1 now, lol) is making her a scrapbook of their years together. She won't get anything else, because no one can really afford it, or those that can, just don't think about what a simple card would mean to her.
DD will get something from us, but I have yet to find that gift that "pops", kwim? I want it to be special, but affordable, as we are going to be tight on $$ until the middle of June...and her 18th bday is on July 1st.

 

[ELLE-TN]

I thought that it was common courtesy NOT to send an invitation to someone who also had a graduating senior.

 

[Allison]

I thought that it was common courtesy NOT to send an invitation to someone who also had a graduating senior.

I've never heard of that. I certainly isn't the case where I live.

 

[disykat]

I disagree.

I think your relative was the one with the dilema. Despite knowing you wouldn't be able to come, she didn't want to snub you by not even inviting you. Her invitation simply means she would have wanted you there if possible.

Receiving an invitation does not obligate you to send a gift. Can you imagine if it did? The new scam would be sending invitations. The recipients would think "darn, I received an invitation now I have to send money" and the sender would be cashing checks right and left.

 

[bzlady2]

I think the invitation was sent because they did not want you to feel left out. Just send a gracious note/card. If you feel you need to send a gift what about a photo of your cousin with your child when they were very young. (if you have one). You could turn it into a card or put it in an inexpensive frame with a comment about how far she has come. Even just make a cardboard frame for the picture and decorate it appropriately.

 

[tomthebarncat]

You are giving this far too much thought, send a card, wishing the graduate well, and go on your trip

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

I would send a card and if you can save a little extra, how about some graduation ears for the young girl. I think the invite was sent because the young girl has every right to be proud of her accomplishment. She should also be very excited for her. Not every invitation is a hand out.

 

[rhondabee]

I am a church secretary. We recently held a graduation breakfast and special service for the seniors. I had a lady ask me a couple of weeks before the service, "Invitations are so expensive, I do not want to send every one in the church one in order to save money, so how will the church members know my daughter is graduating so they can give her a present?"

I told her the seniors' names would be listed in our church bulletin the week before the service and each child would have a table in our fellowship hall to display their awards, pictures, etc. This eased her mind to know that people would be aware her daughter was graduating so they could bring her a gift.

 

[ZehnJahren]

Graduating high school is a big deal for EVERYONE. I'd suggest a card and small gift as well.

I see announcements as just that - announcements. But as a family member, I'm surprised you wouldn't do something for her for her graduation - although I guess you may not be close, but I don't know that. I'd have been very sad if some of my relatives hadn't gotten me some token or participated in some way in my graduation celebration. You won't be at the party, so a small gift is a nice way of saying she matters to you.

ENJOY YOUR TRIP!

 

[allison443]

DD18 is graduating this year. In lieu of a grad party, we are going to Disney. Please let me preface this by saying we live modestly and like so many, live pay to pay, so I have had to scrape together the money to take her to her favorite place.

We did not send graduation notices out to family and friends. My thought is if someone wants to send her a gift, that is up to them. I'm not one to prompt anyone to send her a gift. Now...her's my dilemma. My cousin's step daughter is also graduating; however, the date of her party is the day we will be leaving for Disney. My cousin knows we will not be here for her party, yet she sent a very nice invitation. To me, this is like asking for money which kind of upsets me. I can guarantee they won't be sending DD18 anything...but then again, we are not having a party. I'm torn as to whether or not to send something. Your opinions...please....

If you weren't leaving for Disney that day would you be going to the party and bringing her a gift? That's what it sounds like from your post.
So if you are close enough that you would go to the party, why don't you want to send her a (small) gift anyway?

To me the decision of whether to give the gift shouldn't be based on whether he mom gives your dd a gift. Sorry if that's not what you meant, but that's what your post sounded like to me.