Giving child support arrears to adult children?

[lyzziesmom]

Boy talk about getting stomped in the face.
How much money is it? I mean are we talking 2,000 or 20,000?
If those were my kids I would probably take the money, pack it up and move away. Pretty much the relationship is over as far as I am concerned when your children are threatening you.

Based on the OP's story, I'd guess it's a ton of money. My younger DD's dad is in arrears for almost $5000.00 and she is only 2.5 years old, and he has paid maybe a total of 4 months in all that time. He only owes $277 per month, which equals roughly $70 per week or $9.00 a day. Even if he did pay, it is just not possible to raise a child on $9.00 a day.

So even if it is a large amount of money, it's accumulated over many years and believe me, those expenses were paid by the mom and she deserves it now, after all this time.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

People often assume there is some accountablility of where that money is spent, but based on our experience - and what I went through myself and what I have seen others go through - there isn't..

As I said earlier--support is not an allowance.

I don't think it requires strict accountability.



You're preaching to the choir though. I think my dad owes me and owes me big. But he is too clueless to figure that out. My child support was $100 (or maybe $200 ) per month from age 2 to 18. I turned 18 my senior year of high school. My birthday was in November. By December, no more child support. Gee thanks dad! I funded the rest of my senior year myself b/c my mom didn't have the money for that.

Then there was that injury I sustained while in college. My dad was my sponsor (military) and my insurance was through him. Yet I paid all of my co-pays for my recovery and had to quit PT too early (and still have problems with my injury to this day as a result).

But I don't say anything and legally he isn't--but that is just one of those ethical things that bugs me.

If the kids are well cared for--then a whiney ex really has nothing they can do. Money can easily be accounted for the child rearing. Also--often in many cases....how the children lived prior to the divorce factors into how they will live after. Child support often is unrelated to how much income the custody parent may make in the future....that is related more to alimony.

Just b/c the mom you speak of got a cushier income doesn't absolve his financial duties as a parent.

 

[lillygator]

Ok, I am going to come at this from a very different perspective.

My mother had me when she was 20, married but 20. They were seperated/divorced within the year. She felt it best (as did my Grandparents) that at 6 weeks I would live with them. I did until I was 7 when she remarried, I was in the wedding, lived with the new couple for a jaunt and when he left I went back to my Grandparents house (as she chased after him). When they left for another country she came back home and I lived with her and had a new half sister by husband #2. I left for UF at age 17 with no help aside from a few grocery trips now and then.

Now, my biological father owed support, never paid, etc. I NEVER met my bio father until the age of 25, never knew the story, never asked, etc. But I met him because he was picked up for ALL THE BACK CHILD SUPPORT.....and had to pay. MY mother NEVER told me a THING....and I don't mean the money, I mean the "hey, some guy who may be your dad is looking for you". It was an UF/FSU football weekend in Gainesville and I go this weird email, that "hey, I think I am your dad"....ruined my weekend...and when I ask my mother about it she admits she got in excess of $20k a year prior, never let him know where I was and never told me a thing.


IMO, she deserved SQUAT, my grandparents should have had that money.

 

[babytrees]

Why?

Do you give your children $200-$500-$1000 or whatever per month to spend as they please? If not--what would be the justification of mom turning the money over to the boys? That is one heck of an allowance for ages 2 to 18.

I think it belongs to the mom...my dad tried some sneeky things to get out of paying child support...none worked.

My mom always scrimped and saved and did without.

She did give us control of that money when we were 13 and 10....That is how we paid for school stuff...if we asked to go out to dinner..we paid. I remember paying for groceries at least once. No way were we entitled to that money but it was a good way to give us control of a little bit of the finances.

We never asked for it and those boys are b o ob s for even giving their mom grief about this!!

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

IMO, she deserved SQUAT, my grandparents should have had that money.

I agree with you--money to whom supports the child.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

IMO, she deserved SQUAT, my grandparents should have had that money.

Did your grandparents have legal custody of you? Would that have helped?

 

[lillygator]

No, nothing was ever in writing or on paper, I was just dumped off for the most part. It was 100% the best thing for me.

 

[lindakmonty]

That money belongs to the mother! I'm 29 and my sister is 33... they divorced when I was 3. My dad has NEVER paid one cent of child support He owes probably 50k If she ever does collect, it is HERS. The child support is granted TO THE MOTHER for raising the kids. My ex is trying to dodge paying the child support too..

 

[C.Ann]

Just b/c the mom you speak of got a cushier income doesn't absolve his financial duties as a parent.

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And I don't believe I said it did.. The CHILDREN questioned it (you know - "teen" years when they want answers to everything) - my DH went to court to get the answers - he got them, and continued to fulfill his financial obligations - with NO grumbling - until he was no longer obligated to do so..

He did what a "good" father would do.. The OP is talking about a "dead beat father" who finally got snagged and some VERY ungrateful and greedy children..

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

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And I don't believe I said it did.. The CHILDREN questioned it (you know - "teen" years when they want answers to everything) - my DH went to court to get the answers - he got them, and continued to fulfill his financial obligations - with NO grumbling - until he was no longer obligated to do so..

He did what a "good" father would do.. The OP is talking about a "dead beat father" who finally got snagged and some VERY ungrateful and greedy children..

I guess it is a kid thing. I asked a couple of times where "my" money was. Mommy kindly told me where it went and if I continued to desire having those things (shelter, food, school clothes) to stop asking for her to give it to me. As a kid I thought it was "extra" money.

 

[C.Ann]

I guess it is a kid thing. I asked a couple of times where "my" money was. Mommy kindly told me where it went and if I continued to desire having those things (shelter, food, school clothes) to stop asking for her to give it to me. As a kid I thought it was "extra" money.

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Been there with my own - on the very rare occasion that their father forked anything over..

It must have been all those furs I was wearing; the diamonds just dripping off my body - ears; neck; fingers; toes - the whirlwind trips around the world; the nine cars in the driveway; my "Tuesday standing" at the hair salon; the dinners out every night of the week; my country club membership; my personal trainer...and the list just goes on and on...... NOT!!!!!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

No, nothing was ever in writing or on paper, I was just dumped off for the most part. It was 100% the best thing for me.

It sounds like it!

I was wondering *if* the grandparents had gotten legal custody would the child support have gone to them?

 

[MushyMushy]

Why?

Do you give your children $200-$500-$1000 or whatever per month to spend as they please? If not--what would be the justification of mom turning the money over to the boys? That is one heck of an allowance for ages 2 to 18.

I just come from an entirely different point of view of child support, that's all. If I had an extra 200, 500, 1000 for child support, all of that money would be going directly to my kids' benefit -- clothes, nice things, etc. I would be paying for rent and all that. It's not like I'd be handing them cash allowance, but the money would be spent directly on them.

It's the mother's job to support her kids. She made some sacrifices, but THEY ARE HER KIDS!

But that's just my point of view never having to deal with it myself and watching what happened to my DH with his child support being squandered on everything but him.

I can certainly see the other point, but that's my opinion.

 

[JunieJay]

Mom should rightfully get the money, but I can see some crazy judge giving it to the adult sons.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

It's the mother's job to support her kids. She made some sacrifices, but THEY ARE HER KIDS!

So if I understand you correctly--despite the mom spending every last moment of her energy trying to raise those kids on her own...the kids should be rewarded for the missing child support so they can spend it as they see fit (which isn't the case for any child while under the care of their parents growing up).

I don't see why they are entitled to it at all and don't understand your argument at all. You are assuming (based on DH's experience) that mom probably would have squandered it anyway.

It is BOTH parents jobs to support the kids. The whole "it's mom's job" is quite the stereotype in this circumstance as she did her job with much sacrifice to the benefit of those deadbeat children who would even consider suing to take it away from her.

It is called child "support"--not child "extras"--not child "allowance".

 

[Wish I lived in Fl]

The Mom. Now she can fund her retirement.

I love the response of "heat this month and electric next month"!

People act as if only the additional expenses of the second and third person should be counted but in reality a single women could split a house 4 ways with other single adults while a single mom can't. It should take into account the difference between a single person and running a household.

 

[lyzziesmom]

I just come from an entirely different point of view of child support, that's all. If I had an extra 200, 500, 1000 for child support, all of that money would be going directly to my kids' benefit -- clothes, nice things, etc. I would be paying for rent and all that. It's not like I'd be handing them cash allowance, but the money would be spent directly on them.

As a single mom who gets little to no support, this is the kind of attitude that really annoys and upsets me. No offense to you because you stated that you don't have to deal with it, but this statement is very ignorant. The child support is really not "extra" money. Every penny of it that I receive does go to support my children... it helps to pay the rent, it pays the heating bill in the winter and the a/c bill in the summer, it buys them food and clothing. I know there are SOME people out there who might not need it as much as others, and might spend it otherwise, but believe me, they are the vast minority. It is not easy to support myself and two children and run a household and have no credit cards and zero debt on less than $30,000 a year. Without the child support, I can barely make ends meet. If it weren't for the fact that my parents live close by and watch my kids while I work so I don't have to pay for daycare, and gave me their old car so I have no car payment, I would not be able to pay for the basic things like rent, food, and utilities. Please try not to think of child support as "extra" money. It is the just a small portion of the money that would be coming into this family if either of the kids' dads had decided they actually wanted to be a part of it.

 

[MushyMushy]

As a single mom who gets little to no support, this is the kind of attitude that really annoys and upsets me. No offense to you because you stated that you don't have to deal with it, but this statement is very ignorant. The child support is really not "extra" money. Every penny of it that I receive does go to support my children... it helps to pay the rent, it pays the heating bill in the winter and the a/c bill in the summer, it buys them food and clothing. I know there are SOME people out there who might not need it as much as others, and might spend it otherwise, but believe me, they are the vast minority. It is not easy to support myself and two children and run a household and have no credit cards and zero debt on less than $30,000 a year. Without the child support, I can barely make ends meet. If it weren't for the fact that my parents live close by and watch my kids while I work so I don't have to pay for daycare, and gave me their old car so I have no car payment, I would not be able to pay for the basic things like rent, food, and utilities. Please try not to think of child support as "extra" money. It is the just a small portion of the money that would be coming into this family if either of the kids' dads had decided they actually wanted to be a part of it.

I've been a single mother myself with ZERO child support, making $12,000 a year. It doesn't change my opinion one iota. I'm sorry that offends you. When I say I have no experience with child support, it doesn't mean that I don't have experience being a single mother.

 

[ExPirateShopGirl]

It's the mother's job to support her kids. She made some sacrifices, but THEY ARE HER KIDS!.

It's EACH parent's job to support their kids. If a father divorces a mother and refuses to pay court-awarded child support to the mother in support of those children, he can be held liable for the amount he fails to pay.

That money LEGALLY belongs to the mother of those children, whether those children are still under 18 or not. He simply ignored the court's order (tsk tsk tsk judges aren't as forgiving or as resourceless as ex-spouses) and is now being held to that order. The fact remains, he neglected to pay HIS share during the court mandated time frame for him to do so. Personally, I'm glad the courts are now dragging retirement funds and credit scores into the fray.

The OP is the legally-entitled recipient of those funds. Her selfish grown sons can sue all they like, but they were not a party to the divorce proceedings which resulted in the awarded child support. Furthermore, that money isn't even considered taxable in most states, like alimony would be. Were I the OP, I would use the funds to establish or add to a high yield savings or retirement fund, and use the rest to buy a clue or two for each son.

 

[MushyMushy]

So if I understand you correctly--despite the mom spending every last moment of her energy trying to raise those kids on her own...the kids should be rewarded for the missing child support so they can spend it as they see fit (which isn't the case for any child while under the care of their parents growing up).

I don't see why they are entitled to it at all and don't understand your argument at all. You are assuming (based on DH's experience) that mom probably would have squandered it anyway.

It is BOTH parents jobs to support the kids. The whole "it's mom's job" is quite the stereotype in this circumstance as she did her job with much sacrifice to the benefit of those deadbeat children who would even consider suing to take it away from her.

It is called child "support"--not child "extras"--not child "allowance".

I don't know how to explain this, and I'm not sure I really want to, considering I'll probably have my post ripped to shreds by the screaming mob, and I'm not quite in the mood for it.

When I chose to have a child, I did so with the attitude that I wasn't going to rely on ANY man for support. You can't imagine how much easier it was for me, even as poor as I was, than it was for my friends who were under constant stress and pressure waiting for checks that never came, and going to court every time the issue came up.

Do I think every mother should be this way? No. But it worked for me, and it's what I base my opinions on. If somewhere out of the blue, my DS's sperm donor sent me a big fat check, every penny of it would go to DS happily. I've done my job and I don't consider it the least bit of a "sacrifice." That's just me.