Giving child support arrears to adult children?

[Luv'sTink]

There is no doubt you got the short end of the stick with your Mother. She was not a mother to you and she deserves NOTHING.

To be honest I knew where you were coming from with your posts.

I know you are going to be the best Mom to your kids you can and they are lucky to have you.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I am not saying it is not costing me anything, I am saying (for us) it isn't double.

The point is--I think presently you are NOT a single parent. You may be able to be the primary caregiver of your child and not have them in daycare.

For single moms---that daycare is one of the HUGE bites in the budget.

I'm not certain why you don't realize that?


And while you may not pay for formula (we didn't either)--diapers...are not...free.

I think everyone is speaking in terms of a single parent...you are speaking as a couple raising their kids together.

the kids do take a big bite out of the budget...but i woudln't have it any other way.

 

[ExPirateShopGirl]

You are living proof that how we raise our kids really and truly DOES matter. You have so much to be proud of with your own little family, yet you still harbor the unresolved anger over your mom's selfish behavior.

You know very well that a real mother would not give up a child because expenses doubled. Money was the most convenient excuse your mother had to absolve herself of the responsibility of raising you. It was never the money. For moms that aren't as selfish, believe us when we say expenses DO double, but we still pay them!

If I had been childless when I divorced, I would not have purchased a 2000 sq ft home in a brand new residential development with award winning schools. Instead, I would have purchased a maintenance free condo without a yard near my job downtown, where the prices were much cheaper and I could have cared less about the schools. If I had been childless when I divorced, I would not have purchased an SUV. Instead, I would have been perfectly content with a small economy car. You get the picture, and I won't go on.

Enjoy your family... and appreciate every penny they cost you. They will grow to adults knowing how much you love them!

I apologize......

I sound, well hell, I am bitter. I grew up with this. A mom who said I doubled her expenses, leading to why she could not keep me.

SO I don't mean to be argumentative.....but I have kept all my/our info in Excel....I am an accountant you know...since I have had our girls. I know and fully intend to spend everything I can on them....but do I have to? No.....

once again, I am sorry...and all you singles, moms or dads......rock on! All your littles really need is your love and acceptance!

 

[lillygator]

The point is--I think presently you are NOT a single parent. You may be able to be the primary caregiver of your child and not have them in daycare.

For single moms---that daycare is one of the HUGE bites in the budget.

I'm not certain why you don't realize that?


And while you may not pay for formula (we didn't either)--diapers...are not...free.

I think everyone is speaking in terms of a single parent...you are speaking as a couple raising their kids together.

the kids do take a big bite out of the budget...but i woudln't have it any other way.

You are 100% correct...I am and probably will never be, thinking clearly!!

 

[MushyMushy]

The point is--I think presently you are NOT a single parent. You may be able to be the primary caregiver of your child and not have them in daycare.

For single moms---that daycare is one of the HUGE bites in the budget.

I'm not certain why you don't realize that?

Daycare was one of my least expensive bills with DS. It was subsidized. Don't states still have subsidized daycare now? It was pretty liberal when I was single. At one point I was only paying $5 a week (early 90s). I don't know how we would have survived without it being subsidized!

 

[DISUNC]

Its MOMS $$$$$$$$$$$$!

 

[yeartolate]

Without a doubt, it is the mom's.

But if it was me, I would share (unless my child demanded the whole thing or he would sue - then I would keep it all and spend it on bon bons and doilies)

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Daycare was one of my least expensive bills with DS. It was subsidized. Don't states still have subsidized daycare now? It was pretty liberal when I was single. At one point I was only paying $5 a week (early 90s). I don't know how we would have survived without it being subsidized!

My sister is not subsidized.

They subsidize it here--but it is totally income based. I don't know what the income restrictions are though.

A single parent could make just enough money to not qualify for public assitance or subsidies though. They aren't rich--but all their extra money is tied up in caring for their child...alone.

My mom was never subsidized either IIRC. But we were never poor enough for public assistance either...nor were we ever really "poor".

 

[Rafiki Rafiki Rafiki]

Say you were married a couple of years and had 2 kids.
In 1980 you got divorced and struggled to pay the bills while raising the kids alone.
You file for child support. The court orders it, but because the ex is self-employed no money is ever collected.
The arrears he has for child support is huge. He's never had his income tax held or anything. He just didn't pay and got away with it.

Now, your children are in their mid to late 20s. They are married with their own families.

The court finally steps up and forces the father to pay the child support he never paid all those years. I'm not sure why they couldn't enforce this since 1980. I don't know the support laws.

Does the mother keep the money since she had to live with practically nothing all those years just to stay afloat?

Or should the mother give the money to her sons who are now adults?

The ex husband is really, really angry that "his" money is being taken. He blames his ex wife and doesn't really care that he went on vacation while she had to go to the food bank and ask her parents for toothpaste and toilet paper all those year.

The boys say if their mom doesn't give 100% of the money to them they will sue her. They consider what their mom did all those years as her job. The boys also don't really care that their dad did nothing for them growing up and never supported them financially. Their dad is back in their lives somewhat. They just want the cash.

So, who should get the money? The adult boys or the mom?
Is it common for states to just let deadbeat dads go if they are self-employed?
DH's coworker was picked up by the police a few years back because he owed $300 in child support.

I didn't read all the other posts because I didn't want them to sway my opinion...but I think the kids' insistance on getting that money is insane. They ought to be ashamed for how they're treating their mom.

 

[dreamcometrue]

I think it goes to the mother too! It's both the mom's AND dad's responsibility to raise a child, and if the dad doesn't hold up his end of the bargain and the mom has to compensate for everything the dad doesn't do/pay, she has every right to claim the money! As other said, if I were in that situation, I would probably split the money with my grown children, however, since they are acting the way they are and threaten to sue, they wouldn't get squat from me!

 

[jemiaule]

Oh that money belongs to mom, not to those nasty sons of hers!

My mom struggled so much to provide for me after my parents divorced. My dad was supposed to pay $175 a month in child support but never did. Mom paid for everything on her own.

I remember my 8th grade graduation - I so wanted a dress and heels to wear like the other girls but mom said we couldn't afford it. I was heartbroken but knew we didn't have much money.

The afternoon of graduation my mom called me to her room (LOL, she pretended to be yelling at me like I was in trouble) and there were a pair of heels and a beautiful dress. I don't know how she found a way to do it but she did.

That was almost 26 years ago...and I still have not forgotten my mom finding a way to get me that dress and those heels. Now that I am an adult and have the means I spoil my mom rotten and LOVE it! She deserves it dangit!

Shame on those two sons for wanting to sue their mother over that back child support. One can only wish there is a certain corner of hell reserved for people like them.

 

[aprilgail2]

My friend just had this happen, they gave all the money to the kids who happened to both be getting married so the money went to the wedding.

 

[mickeyfan2]

The money belongs to the mother. It was suppose to be used to support the minor child. Since he did not the mom had to do more than her share. The boys are either extremely selfish or this is a trick that the father has concocted to not really pay. He pays, the boys get the money and then return it to him.

 

[MushyMushy]

My sister is not subsidized.

They subsidize it here--but it is totally income based. I don't know what the income restrictions are though.

A single parent could make just enough money to not qualify for public assitance or subsidies though. They aren't rich--but all their extra money is tied up in caring for their child...alone.

My mom was never subsidized either IIRC. But we were never poor enough for public assistance either...nor were we ever really "poor".

I remember hitting that income limit! Shortly after DH and I got married, we made $7 too much a month to get day care subsidy. I don't remember how we dealt with it, but I can remember how outraged I was that a lousy $7 would cost us so much hassle.

"Fortunately" (not really, but you know...) both of my kids had speech and language delays, so they ended up being able to go to nice pre-schools for a fraction of the cost so that they could get speech therapy. That program wasn't income based.

 

[poohandwendy]

If back child support is awarded it should go to the mother.

On a side note, when my biological father died a few years ago, he still owed back child support to my mother (she never pursued it after he left the city when we were very young, but also would not allow visitation)

My mother told me "If he leaves you girls anything, you do know that is mine right? He OWES me for raising you"

I'll never forget her saying that to me. Never.

(FWIW, he died broke and I didn't receive an inheritance of any sort)

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I remember hitting that income limit! Shortly after DH and I got married, we made $7 too much a month to get day care subsidy. I don't remember how we dealt with it, but I can remember how outraged I was that a lousy $7 would cost us so much hassle.

"Fortunately" (not really, but you know...) both of my kids had speech and language delays, so they ended up being able to go to nice pre-schools for a fraction of the cost so that they could get speech therapy. That program wasn't income based.

oohh that stinks!!!! Like a miraculous extra 7 bucks would suddenly make $400 a month doable.

I understand your "fortune".

Here many parents were happy that pre-k is now funded by the state, so it is one less year of child care expenses (at least cutting down from the full enchilada to just pre-post school care).