Done with giving gifts to nephews

[Nancyg56]

True, but he's a 9 year old CHILD, who has no one to guide him. I wouldn't be mad at a little boy and cut him off. Again, he just turned 9 ...

Don't you think that at 9 a child knows how to say thank you? Even if the parent does not corect him, that proper behavior is learned on many other places. In school, from K on, children are rewarded for manners in a multitude if ways. the elementary school in my town has pop pop jars and kindness days, etc, and I know that in my own family, kids are reminded from all adults to remember their good manners. By 9, children are choosing to refuse to say thank you if they are rude when a gift s received. In the story I told, this chid knew better, and he had spent enough time with my family to know what he said was not accetable to me and my husband, he did not care. This was the same boy that if there was a plate of donuts on the table would not share any of his favorites, no matter he could not eat them all himself, and when he was with us he thought he could do the same with food. No. We share. You see my nephew was his age and we used to try to do things with both boys, so he had guidance.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

True, but he's a 9 year old CHILD, who has no one to guide him. I wouldn't be mad at a little boy and cut him off. Again, he just turned 9 ...

Very true. It is sad that he does not have anyone guiding him.

With my kids we coached them on proper behavior when receiving gifts.

 

[NewRVLady]

True, but he's a 9 year old CHILD, who has no one to guide him. I wouldn't be mad at a little boy and cut him off. Again, he just turned 9 ...

seriously?
do you have kids?
I could see saying this about a 5 year old....maybe...
By this age all kids know manners, if they were raised correctly

My MIL STLL tells me that my kids were the only grandkids who thanked her/ or wrote her a note....they COULD NOT play with a gift or cash the check until the Thank You note was written (unless thanked in person)

 

[luvsJack]

But if manners are taught all the time, why is the kid still rude? No one is continuing the lessons at home. He acts like this because he is allowed to and that is the fault of the parents.

If the child's parents do not correct the behavior they give the kid the message that its ok. They aren't born to be brats, they are molded into one.

 

[mjkacmom]

seriously?
do you have kids?
I could see saying this about a 5 year old....maybe...
By this age all kids know manners, if they were raised correctly

My MIL STLL tells me that my kids were the only grandkids who thanked her/ or wrote her a note....they COULD NOT play with a gift or cash the check until the Thank You note was written (unless thanked in person)

The OP states this boy is not being raised correctly - she was venting about the oarenting as much as her nephew's behavior.

 

[NewRVLady]

The OP states this boy is not being raised correctly - she was venting about the oarenting as much as her nephew's behavior.

I AGREE with the OP-I was not quoting her-the person I quoted did not feel a 9 year old should know the concept of manners

And even tho the parents are not doing a good job, a child SEES how other behave and learns lots of manners in School

 

[Marionnette]

OP, I know that you're venting, so maybe you just want to be heard and don't really need advice. But, this is the disboards, so I'm going to offer some anyway.

You cannot change the way that others behave. You can only change the way that you react to their behavior. This includes 9-year-old boys whose father and mother won't put on their parent hats and do what's right for the kid. And what's right for the kid is to teach him some manners.

If your sense of fairness directs you to spend the same amount on this child as you spend on your other nieces and nephews, then maybe going back to just putting money in the bank for him is a better option for you. It's no fun to give a gift to a recipient who not only lacks appreciation, but also demonstrates dislike for the present you spent an effort to choose and wrap. Teaching this boy manners is not your job and could only lead to more frustration for you.

 

[Jamby001]

OP, I know that you're venting, so maybe you just want to be heard and don't really need advice. But, this is the disboards, so I'm going to offer some anyway.

You cannot change the way that others behave. You can only change the way that you react to their behavior. This includes 9-year-old boys whose father and mother won't put on their parent hats and do what's right for the kid. And what's right for the kid is to teach him some manners.

If your sense of fairness directs you to spend the same amount on this child as you spend on your other nieces and nephews, then maybe going back to just putting money in the bank for him is a better option for you. It's no fun to give a gift to a recipient who not only lacks appreciation, but also demonstrates dislike for the present you spent an effort to choose and wrap. Teaching this boy manners is not your job and could only lead to more frustration for you.

Thank you. It easy for everyone to sit back and theoretically say what they've said but the actions listed above will most likely cause a huge rift in the family. If the OP really is ok with that, they do what others have suggested but if maintaining peace and harmony in your family is what you want, then you need to take a different tactic. I would not be ok with how these kids acted but it wouldn't be worth dividing the family to prove some point.

Try a gift card next time. Then ask for a thank you.

 

[eliza61]

seriously?
do you have kids?
I could see saying this about a 5 year old....maybe...
By this age all kids know manners, if they were raised correctly

My MIL STLL tells me that my kids were the only grandkids who thanked her/ or wrote her a note....they COULD NOT play with a gift or cash the check until the Thank You note was written (unless thanked in person)

knowing about manners and using them are two different things. Yes, a 9 year old probably does know what manners are but if he never has to employ them why bother?

It's like any other bad behavior, if there is no consequences for that bad behavior no need to change.

I've seen teenage girls in the mall screaming at their mothers because they can't some thing. then I see the mothers try and "bargain" the kid into good behavior. then I laugh to myself because I can only imagine any member of my family not slapping the bejezuus out of me.

My little cousin K is 14, she and her family stayed wiht us at disney in August. Her mother made her write me a thank you note. lol, K later told me she couldn't understand why she couldn't just post a thank you on my facebook line. She was made to write the note, that's how you teach them how to be polite. Sure she whined about it, her mother didn't give a hoot.

 

[eliza61]

anyone remember that short lived tv series "the slap"?

When I saw it, I kept thinking, not only would that kid have gotten slapped, a few of my elder aunts and my grandmother would have reached across the table and slapped the parents. lol.

My brothers and sister all have permission to discipline my kids if they act like park apes. I trust them. had my nephew acted that way he would still have gotten a gift hte next year because I would have snatched him up by his collar immediately and taught him the proper response.

As my mother would say, "now you can listen to your elders and get some manners or I can take a 2X4 and knock some manners into you but either way by the end of day you will have learn how to be polite"

 

[EarsAndTiaras]

I AGREE with the OP-I was not quoting her-the person I quoted did not feel a 9 year old should know the concept of manners

And even tho the parents are not doing a good job, a child SEES how other behave and learns lots of manners in School

You said: "By this age all kids know manners, if they were raised correctly"

The poster you replied to was reminding you that, per the OP, these children were NOT raised by conscientious people, so that statement is inapplicable to these children.

Schools don't teach manners & a child who sees no consequences for poor behavior has no incentive to put anything that they might witness on their own to use at home.

 

[Shanti]

99.9% of the time, when I or any adult try to speak to these kids (not even to reprimand), they straight out ignore you. Walk by like they didn't even hear you.

Then don't give them anything. Really. I've taught kids that age for years, and that level of rudeness is NOT typical! It's the direct result of parenting issues. Don't let a very poorly-reared child deter you from having one of your own. I work with a classroom of decently-behaved kids every day. If you just make the effort, your child will grow up to be polite.

 

[Shanti]

It was the first time anyone took a stand. he is a nice adult but was a spoiled rotten kid

Sounds like you knocked some sense into him.

 

[mjkacmom]

I totally get your point of books being a drag but I want to point out that I did check with dad first.

Dads aren't always the best people to ask. If he was into the series, he would have read those already. And if he didn't read them yet, he's probably not a reader. If someone asked DH if Ds12 would like those for Christmas, he'd say "sure," even though he has them all.

 

[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

Who's gonna teach this kid how to properly butter their roll? Kids these days...

 

[Nancyg56]

Sounds like you knocked some sense into him.

I got a proper response after that! LOL!

 

[okeydokey]

But if manners are taught all the time, why is the kid still rude? No one is continuing the lessons at home. He acts like this because he is allowed to and that is the fault of the parents.

If the child's parents do not correct the behavior they give the kid the message that its ok. They aren't born to be brats, they are molded into one.

Maybe if relatives stopped giving him gifts because of his rude behavior, he will see that there are actual consequences for rudeness. It may do him some good in the long run.

 

[smiths02]

True, but he's a 9 year old CHILD, who has no one to guide him. I wouldn't be mad at a little boy and cut him off. Again, he just turned 9 ...

How is it "cutting him off"? By all accounts, he is well taken care of with MANY toys, books, clothes. It's not like OP is writing him out of her will and refusing to see him again. She's just (maybe) not going to take time to buy him presents that he neither needs nor wants.

 

[luvsJack]

Maybe if relatives stopped giving him gifts because of his rude behavior, he will see that there are actual consequences for rudeness. It may do him some good in the long run.

That would probably depend on his parents' responses to the OP not giving him gifts. IF they reinforce her reasons by saying something like "well that's what happens when you don't appreciate the gifts you are given" or something along those lines then yes, it may. If they get mad, act insulted, ignore it or act like they think the Op is a "mean ol' witch" for not giving the boy a gift then he will learn nothing and think the behavior he has been showing is fine. Its all about what is reinforced by them, whether its a lesson in school, in church or from a relative.

If the OP doesn't feel that she wants to give a gift to this kid anymore, then she shouldn't give a gift. I just wouldn't count on it being a life lesson if his parents are not on the same page with her.

 

[TLSnell1981]

How is it "cutting him off"? By all accounts, he is well taken care of with MANY toys, books, clothes. It's not like OP is writing him out of her will and refusing to see him again. She's just (maybe) not going to take time to buy him presents that he neither needs nor wants.

He's a 9 year old boy, who didn't appreciate her gift. Honestly, not every little boy would be thrilled with receiving books. Does he even like to read? Did OP choose, what he needs or what she wants? Its her right, but that's not how I purchase gifts.

No doubt, the nephew's behavior was rude, but deciding to discontinue gifts because he hurt his aunt's feelings? It's definitely her prerogative, but cutting off gifts might send a different message. Although, maybe not the one she intended.