Done with giving gifts to nephews

[TLSnell1981]

I AGREE with the OP-I was not quoting her-the person I quoted did not feel a 9 year old should know the concept of manners

And even tho the parents are not doing a good job, a child SEES how other behave and learns lots of manners in School

I didn't say, he shouldn't have manners. It's obvious from the OP, that he has no guidance in this area and doesn't possess....social graces.

 

[smitch425]

Sad thing was no one even corrected him- some laughed, others couldn't believe how disrespectful the response was but didn't say anything like they usually do.

This stood out to me. What did you say in the moment? Or were you part of the "they"?

Don't let someone else's kids sway you from having your own. All kids are different, and it sounds like there isn't enough parental guidance happening in their lives. At 9, they should know right from wrong, whether their parents taught them or not.

 

[TLSnell1981]

seriously?
do you have kids?
I could see saying this about a 5 year old....maybe...
By this age all kids know manners, if they were raised correctly

My MIL STLL tells me that my kids were the only grandkids who thanked her/ or wrote her a note....they COULD NOT play with a gift or cash the check until the Thank You note was written (unless thanked in person)

Um...yes. Proud mother of 5 and doting grandmother of 9.

As I stated earlier, this child has not received proper guidance in the manners department...and likely other areas too. It doesn't mean, that one gives up and washes their hands of him. He's only nine years old. I believe, there's still time for him to learn, how to behave appropriately.

 

[lovin'fl]

Kind of opposite OP: So what do you do when someone always gives a tomboy girly gifts like purses, jewelry and dresses? And that tomboy always smiles and says thank you but her mom has told the gifter time and again that she's a BIG tomboy and doesn't do girly stuff (even sports fan t shirts are men's fit and not tight girly fit). But gifter buys for 2 other teens that are girly and is insistent about getting them all the same (yes, a grandma and 3 grand daughters). The stuff goes in goodwill or is regifted (so the money is wasted) and tomboy teen is always out gifts. But she still smiles and says thank you. And when the grandma asks her if she likes it, tomboy girl fakes and says yes because she doesn't want to hurt her feelings.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

Kind of opposite OP: So what do you do when someone always gives a tomboy girly gifts like purses, jewelry and dresses? And that tomboy always smiles and says thank you but her mom has told the gifter time and again that she's a BIG tomboy and doesn't do girly stuff (even sports fan t shirts are men's fit and not tight girly fit). But gifter buys for 2 other teens that are girly and is insistent about getting them all the same (yes, a grandma and 3 grand daughters). The stuff goes in goodwill or is regifted (so the money is wasted) and tomboy teen is always out gifts. But she still smiles and says thank you. And when the grandma asks her if she likes it, tomboy girl fakes and says yes because she doesn't want to hurt her feelings.

You tell her that we don't get to determine what gifts people give to us, some people give better gifts than others, and the only thing she can do is be gracious in the moment, smile and say thank you (which it sounds like she already does). At that point the gift belongs to her and she can do whatever she wants with it. Return it, regift it, donate it, sell it on eBay, throw it away...

 

[lovin'fl]

You tell her that we don't get to determine what gifts people give to us, some people give better gifts than others, and the only thing she can do is be gracious in the moment, smile and say thank you (which it sounds like she already does). At that point the gift belongs to her and she can do whatever she wants with it. Return it, regift it, donate it, sell it on eBay, throw it away...

That's pretty much it. Glad she's gracious.

 

[EarsAndTiaras]

Kind of opposite OP: So what do you do when someone always gives a tomboy girly gifts like purses, jewelry and dresses? And that tomboy always smiles and says thank you but her mom has told the gifter time and again that she's a BIG tomboy and doesn't do girly stuff (even sports fan t shirts are men's fit and not tight girly fit). But gifter buys for 2 other teens that are girly and is insistent about getting them all the same (yes, a grandma and 3 grand daughters). The stuff goes in goodwill or is regifted (so the money is wasted) and tomboy teen is always out gifts. But she still smiles and says thank you. And when the grandma asks her if she likes it, tomboy girl fakes and says yes because she doesn't want to hurt her feelings.

I would do nothing. It sounds like Grandma is trying to be fair to all three girls. She may not be going about it the right way, but if she hasn't changed by now, she isn't going to. All that's left to do is thank her & do what you will with the gift.

As for the OP, she is certainly entitled to stop giving gifts if she so chooses, and that would be much better than some of the responses that suggest displaying passive-aggressive behavior toward a 9yo child whose lack of parental guidance has already left him at a disadvantage.

 

[MrsCobraBubbles]

I had to laugh at his response. My oldest has autism and that's something he might have said at that age. And that's after years of therapy :/ Thankfully now at 13 he can manage a small lie or a simple thank you.

I'm guessing that autism isn't an issue with this particular nephew though. I'd be pretty disgusted by that response as well, and I've definitely been the embarrassed parent on the flip side of the exchange. Honestly, I feel bad for those kids, I doubt they even know that what they are doing is wrong. People don't realize that kids' brains are wired to be selfish, and it takes years of life experience and good parenting to train their brains to be humble and grateful. It sounds like mom doesn't even attempt to teach them, and these things will only get more awkward as they get older. Can your husband maybe have a heart-to-heart with his brother about it, see if he can't convince him to step up and parent? Those poor kids are getting such a bad start in life, it's sad.

 

[CookieandOatmeal]

Dads aren't always the best people to ask. If he was into the series, he would have read those already. And if he didn't read them yet, he's probably not a reader. If someone asked DH if Ds12 would like those for Christmas, he'd say "sure," even though he has them all.

Well I asked the dad who said he'll ask his son. A big while later, he came back and said the son would like them. Not sure where the communication was lost but it wasn't me. Plus, my MIL always gushes about how much my nephew likes to read so who knows where the truth lies.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Kind of opposite OP: So what do you do when someone always gives a tomboy girly gifts like purses, jewelry and dresses? And that tomboy always smiles and says thank you but her mom has told the gifter time and again that she's a BIG tomboy and doesn't do girly stuff (even sports fan t shirts are men's fit and not tight girly fit). But gifter buys for 2 other teens that are girly and is insistent about getting them all the same (yes, a grandma and 3 grand daughters). The stuff goes in goodwill or is regifted (so the money is wasted) and tomboy teen is always out gifts. But she still smiles and says thank you. And when the grandma asks her if she likes it, tomboy girl fakes and says yes because she doesn't want to hurt her feelings.

And your point is? LOL

I have 2 dd's and when the MIL was alive, not only did my dd's have to fake it, WE had to keep from laughing.

The gifts were almost worthy of a MIL gift giving story on the DIS. Some yrs it was so funny and we could not look at each other when opening her gifts.

She meant it out of love and we all knew it. That is the part you cherish. She passed away in 2013.

 

[CookieandOatmeal]

This stood out to me. What did you say in the moment? Or were you part of the "they"?

Don't let someone else's kids sway you from having your own. All kids are different, and it sounds like there isn't enough parental guidance happening in their lives. At 9, they should know right from wrong, whether their parents taught them or not.

I didn't say anything at that moment even though I was so tempted to yank those books out of his hands. Unfortunately in this family that I married into, that probably would've rocked the boat a little too much. While I was appalled at what happened, I'm not going to risk the rest of my family relationships over someone else's kids. Just not worth it. The next day, I did end up contacting my BIL to talk about my feelings and how appalled we were about the birthday response and the kids' behavior at Christmas. That we will no longer be giving gifts until we see the kids showing appreciation and good manners. Surprisingly he admitted that he did not like his son's response either and apologized.

 

[Nettester]

Ouch! I'd seriously have been tempted to sit in silence until the gift opening circle broke up then quietly picked the books back up and left. Return or donate the books to a local school. There are A LOT of other kids will love and appreciate those books. Both of my girls adored that series (and they aren't even avid readers). The books are funny and good light reads. I think the child's parents need to address his rudeness. They should really get him to understand that snotty, ungrateful comments are hurtful and unacceptable. The ball should be in their court to have the child make amends to you. If you want to be a meaningful part of this child's life, consider skipping future gift-giving gatherings. Give no tangible gifts, but instead take him out to spend time doing non-screen things together, like sports events, volunteering, baking, etc.

 

[jdb in AZ]

I didn't say anything at that moment even though I was so tempted to yank those books out of his hands. Unfortunately in this family that I married into, that probably would've rocked the boat a little too much. While I was appalled at what happened, I'm not going to risk the rest of my family relationships over someone else's kids. Just not worth it. The next day, I did end up contacting my BIL to talk about my feelings and how appalled we were about the birthday response and the kids' behavior at Christmas. That we will no longer be giving gifts until we see the kids showing appreciation and good manners. Surprisingly he admitted that he did not like his son's response either and apologized.

I'm glad you talked to your BIL. I agree with the PP about spending time with the kids, especially doing volunteer work with them. If they helped serve at a soup kitchen it might be a real eye opener and help them realize how fortunate they are.

 

[teller80]

Who's gonna teach this kid how to properly butter their roll? Kids these days...

Is this in reference to an old old thread on RADP?

 

[CookieandOatmeal]

If you want to be a meaningful part of this child's life, consider skipping future gift-giving gatherings. Give no tangible gifts, but instead take him out to spend time doing non-screen things together, like sports events, volunteering, baking, etc.

I'm glad you talked to your BIL. I agree with the PP about spending time with the kids, especially doing volunteer work with them. If they helped serve at a soup kitchen it might be a real eye opener and help them realize how fortunate they are.

I understand what you are both saying but at this time, I would be unwilling to take these kids out anywhere. They DO NOT listen to adults and have a tendency to just run amuck. That is too much responsibility for me and my husband to handle.

 

[kimmar067]

Kind of opposite OP: So what do you do when someone always gives a tomboy girly gifts like purses, jewelry and dresses? And that tomboy always smiles and says thank you but her mom has told the gifter time and again that she's a BIG tomboy and doesn't do girly stuff (even sports fan t shirts are men's fit and not tight girly fit). But gifter buys for 2 other teens that are girly and is insistent about getting them all the same (yes, a grandma and 3 grand daughters). The stuff goes in goodwill or is regifted (so the money is wasted) and tomboy teen is always out gifts. But she still smiles and says thank you. And when the grandma asks her if she likes it, tomboy girl fakes and says yes because she doesn't want to hurt her feelings.

....at least she's not being RUDE.

 

[kimmar067]

I understand what you are both saying but at this time, I would be unwilling to take these kids out anywhere. They DO NOT listen to adults and have a tendency to just run amuck. That is too much responsibility for me and my husband to handle.

....I feel your pain. A few years ago we went apple-picking with my S-in-L and her triplets and older DS and it was DISASTROUS! The apple-picking part was no big deal, but afterwards, we decided to stop and have a nice lunch at a diner (we were about 45 minutes away from home)....OMG, you'd think they were raised by WOLVES - climbing under the table, screaming [one was ranting, "I'm HUNGRY, I'm HUNGRY' I'm HUNGRY....." over and over], flicking and spitting water with their straws, standing on the chairs...My DH and I were so embarrassed [almost everyone in the place was staring at us] that he suggested to his sister that we leave.....NEVER AGAIN.

 

[TLSnell1981]

....I feel your pain. A few years ago we went apple-picking with my S-in-L and her triplets and older DS and it was DISASTROUS! The apple-picking part was no big deal, but afterwards, we decided to stop and have a nice lunch at a diner (we were about 45 minutes away from home)....OMG, you'd think they were raised by WOLVES - climbing under the table, screaming [one was ranting, "I'm HUNGRY, I'm HUNGRY' I'm HUNGRY....." over and over], flicking and spitting water with their straws, standing on the chairs...My DH and I were so embarrassed [almost everyone in the place was staring at us] that he suggested to his sister that we leave.....NEVER AGAIN.

Wolves behave much better, than that...

 

[here757]

I think u handled it very well! I am a parent to two girls very close in age. Currently 4 and 6. While their no angels, I've always taught them to say please and thank you for everything. Bravo

 

[eastendlights]

Surprised nobody has suggested giving just one more gift to them:
Richard Scarry's Please and Thank You Book

The Man, The Myth, The Legend...Lowly Worm!!!!!!!