Do you discipline nieces/nephews when they visit your house? WWYD?

[princessmom29]

I have a cousin whose kids are completely out of control, and as they like next door to my grandmother (the children's great grandmother) they are over there often. Way too often. Without a parent. My gandmother is too old to deal with 3 kids under 7 who do not mind her. I do discipline them, and usually when they see me coming they just head home b/c they know I will make them behave. Their parents take advantage of my Grandma as free babysitting, and the children have absolutely no boundaries. I just cannot stand by and watch it when I am there.

 

[CrazyaboutCinderella]

I come from a big family and if my siblings children are misbehaving in my home and they are not saying anything to them about their behavior, I definitely say something to them. I don't allow my children to act like that in someone else's home and will not tolerate anyone else's kids acting like that either.

 

[mom2meiko]

it's always a struggle for me to keep my mouth shut around other people's children - especially when they are children that i frequently babysit for. if it's a safety issue, i don't hesitate to say something or if it's something that is going to upset my child (like calling him/her names, etc.) when it's in my house i might be more bold and say it's a house rule... "house rule - we don't say mean things" or "house rule - we don't throw things" etc. that might help you??

 

[peemagg]

If that was one of my nieces or nephew, they would have been put into a timeout. If the way they were acting was like yours was, they would have been taken away from the table and placed into antoher room and not allowed back until the child apologized and behaved when brought back. If they came back and acted up again, back out they go. Eventually they learn that acting bad only gets reactions that they don't want.

Maybe showing your sister and bil how this works is what they need to jump start their parenting skills. Sometimes we all need a little help to figure out how to solve a problem that we are having. We are just too close to the problem to see the solution.

 

[mom2meiko]

depending on your relationship with the parents, you may also want to discuss it with them. you mentioned anger issues - maybe there is a method to their madness - or it may simple be a case of they are too tired of it all to address every little issue. if you let them know it made for an uncomfortable dinner and you would like to know if there was something you could have done to help with the situation it may help for the next time.

 

[kpgriswold]

This is a matter of protecting your own kids from a 5 year old bully, and teaching them that rules apply to everyone. You should certainly let your neice know that no one is allowed to disrepect others in your home. You will be doing her a favor!

At this point, I think you need to start with a conversation with your sister. Let her know how much it upset your kids to be spoken to/about in that way, and how much the rudeness bothered you. Also be clear that your kids may not want to play with her DD if she continues to act this way.

Ask your sister to prevent the bad behavior when they are at your house. Then, let her know that if she does NOT control her child, you will!

Your sister will probably geet defensive and make excuses, or try to put it back on you and your kids. Be polite but firm. Don't get into it with her, just keep telling her that when "Susie" comes to visit, she will nto be allowed to bully your kids, and if she doesn't want you to correct her kid, then she needs to.

Be firm, and good luck!

 

[Jperiod]

My son has asperger's syndrome, so he frequently speaks without thinking and is very clueless about others feelings. He has to be reminded often, and it's a hard concept for him to grasp because he truly doesn't "get" it. A little (or a lot ) paitence goes a long way. If the reminder is too harsh, he's put out easily and then it all goes downhill quickly.

You mention the girl has other issues, and it really does sound like it. Anxiety? Depression? Have they been to a developmental pediatritian? My son also has anxiety disorder, and this comes through in extreme inflexability and negativity. Changes to his routine, new places, and social gatherings all trigger him and I could see any number of those comments coming from his mouth as well. He is not rude or mean in his heart, the comments come from a place of fear. Redirecting, reminding, and taking steps to ease his anxiety all help. In the end, if I still can't get him to chill out, I give him the choice of leaving. Asperger's or anxiety is not an excuse, but knowing the method behind the madness might help have a better outcome.

We recently had to teach him the golden rule per Thumper: "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."

 

[2binak]

I have and would again discipline ANY child that comes into my home. My house MY rules don't like it leave.

Yes and I do. That's just how we work in our family and even in our group of friends. Like the previous poster said, sometimes it takes a village.

Same here! I come from a huge family with many cousins of my own. Growing up, aunts & uncles are more than welcome to discipline us kids, even sending us to our rooms if they have to. That has trickled down to us and how we raise our kids now. Luckily, our friends are the same way and understand if we need to remind their kids of what's appropriate in our homes and I'm fine with our friends doing the same with DD.

 

[Steph9072]

Here is how our family does it with my side or DH’s side. If a child is visiting without his/her parent they have the same rules as they always do. The will be treated like the parent at that house would treat their own kids. If we are having family dinner we all address the kids as if they were our own. For instance at Easter my bil saw ds standing on the couch he told him to get down & not do it again. Dh and I had no problem with it. Frankly I would rather this happen than bil tell ds to come tell me what he did or bil hunting me down to tell me. The situation was addressed and it was over & done with. My sister has put my kids in time out before and I have put nephew too in time out. Let it be known if we do discipline a child we do tell the parent. For minor offenses this works. However if it is something major then by all it should be addressed by the parent.

For your case if the child’s parents said nothing I would have said something like let’s play a game. Let’s act like we are ladies at a tea. When a lady is at a tea she uses her inside voice and talks with polite words. As for the name calling I would have to step in and just tell her that at your house you treat people as you would want them to treat you. Then ask her if she would want her cousins saying those things to her.

A few days after dinner I would have addressed the situation your sister and express your concerns. As a mother with a child who has ADHD I know how it is to be eating at someone’s house our out and have a child disrupt the meals. It’s embarrassing & heart breaking as a Mom to know you child has done this. She may need a shoulder to lean on and suggestions from you on how to deal with her daughters actions. I would also ask her if she minds you addressing you nieces actions when they occur at you house.

Good luck

 

[PiperPizzaz]

The parents where sitting right there? Then, no way. You should not say anything. While I agree that is not good parenting I wouldn't want anyone butting into my parenting so I don't do it to others. Now if you are babysitting her than yeah, into time out but otherwise no.

 

[LWatson]

Yes, I would dicipline my nephew. I have also let my sister/sister in law/ and best friends who are like sisters to me (my kids actually call them Aunt) discipline mine. Sometimes they wont listen to their parents and it takes an outside source to get them to listen.

 

[DVC Sadie]

Yes, I discipline my neices, nephews and grand neices. If I was unable to discipline them then I would not choose to bring them on vacations and spend time with them visiting my home. Whats great is that they will behave so well when spending time with us that we enjoy them all immensely.

 

[ogreenlee]

i will discipline any child within earshot if no one else steps in. i don't care if it's a relative or someone else's. if you don't want someone butting into your parenting, then parent.

it definitely takes a village.

i discipline my 12 year old niece and she likes to throw that whole "you're not my mama" at me. well, we're usually at my MIL's house or at the beach, and her mom is not around b/c of the divorce. her father is my MIL's other son. he is also a loser, and i assure you she'd rather me discipline than him b/c all he does is raise he!! and holler.

still, i get the "you are not my mother" act when she's doing something blatantly wrong. i reply with a "i'm the adult in this situation and you will show respect. call your mom and see if i'm wrong."

i would have definitely spoken up in your situation with a "We don't speak like that at this table. We show respect for each other. If you can't do that, then you need to remove yourself."

 

[JUJU814]

Personally, no, I would never discipline a child or even say anything if the parents were right there. If it were my sister or brother, I'd probably speak to them in private if it were really bothering me..and only if it was family.

I would not want anyone interfering in my parenting either.

Don't get me wrong, the kid was definitely wrong and I'm shocked the parents didn't do anything, but it's their kid. I do NOT subscribe to this "it takes a village" stuff.
It does not take a "village" to parent my child. It takes dh and I...and ONLY dh and I. We're far from perfect, but we're the parents of our own kids.

In your case, I probably wouldn't be in a hurry to have them over again!

 

[daisyyy]

I have, and will always step in when I think it's inappropriate behavior, no matter who's kids they are. You can't just sit there and let the child get away with that. It's sending them a message that they are in control of the adults. and it's sending a message to your children that they are allowed to be rude to other people and get a way with it becuase no-one will say anything . If she behaves like that when she's 5.... imagine what she'll be like when she's a teen... sounds like she's in need of super nanny! really.. if your sister doesn't say anything.. or maybe she doesn't listen to your sister, maybe she will listen to you... or.. here's an idea... let it come from your kids... like... tell your kids to say something to your neice that when she acts like that, it's really not nice, and nobody cares that you don't like it here... you're here, you're staying here, and make the best of it. I ALWAYS tell my kids that sometimes in life you have to do things you don't want to do, but get used to it. Lifes not always fair, but sometimes it's in your favor, and sometimes it's not.

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

I've disciplined my relatives in my house (even the adults...).

There is no way that I'd let them get away with stuff that my kid can't do in his/her own house. My mom gets on me about it, but even my DBro and SIL have said I don't treat him any different than my kids.

I'd start by subtling asking her to refrain from the negative comments about EVERYTHING. If she doesn't stop, ask her to be removed from the room (by the parent). Maybe then mom and dad (either/or) will start putting their foot down about her behavior in public if they have to go with her.

I'd hate for you to be in the position of not inviting them at all, but it sounds like you could end up there if the situation doesn't improve.

At 5, that is what I personally would do. If it were an adult, I'd proabaly be more sarcastic and have a little fun, but I doubt I'd let that kind of attitude rule my day. It's not a fun family gathering when it's ackward to be around people, adult OR child.

 

[ogreenlee]

Personally, no, I would never discipline a child or even say anything if the parents were right there. If it were my sister or brother, I'd probably speak to them in private if it were really bothering me..and only if it was family.

I would not want anyone interfering in my parenting either.

Don't get me wrong, the kid was definitely wrong and I'm shocked the parents didn't do anything, but it's their kid. I do NOT subscribe to this "it takes a village" stuff.
It does not take a "village" to parent my child. It takes dh and I...and ONLY dh and I. We're far from perfect, but we're the parents of our own kids.

In your case, I probably wouldn't be in a hurry to have them over again!

That's good for your family, but unfortunately there are too many kids who are not being parented correctly or at all. If you're correcting your children, then there is no need for anyone else to do it. Are you saying that if your child is at a friend or relative's home without you, that the parents who are in charge have no right to say anything to your kid if they misbehave?

I'm not saying that you should beat someone's kids, but I will be danged if a kid speaks like that in front of me without being confronted about it, especially if the parents don't parent or aren't present.

 

[princessmom29]

Personally, no, I would never discipline a child or even say anything if the parents were right there. If it were my sister or brother, I'd probably speak to them in private if it were really bothering me..and only if it was family.

I would not want anyone interfering in my parenting either.

Don't get me wrong, the kid was definitely wrong and I'm shocked the parents didn't do anything, but it's their kid. I do NOT subscribe to this "it takes a village" stuff.
It does not take a "village" to parent my child. It takes dh and I...and ONLY dh and I. We're far from perfect, but we're the parents of our own kids.

In your case, I probably wouldn't be in a hurry to have them over again!

I disagree and would hope that anytime my DD does something that baltantly wrong that someone would step in. If I heard it I would have taken care of the situation, but I am not around 24/7. She goes to school, and I would hope her teacher would correct her at the very least. Certianly my parents, DH's parents and my sister would be quick to correct that kind of behavior. I'm sorry, but I am not going to sit by and allow any child to talk to another child like that without stepping in. The other child in the situation has a right not to be bullied by a child whose parents don't care to do something about their bad attitude. It doesn't matter if I am "butting in" to someone's parenting. No one is allowed to treat a child that way. I don't care if it steps on someone's toes or not. No one talks like that and gets away with it if I am in earshot.

 

[love_mickey]

I always says something to my sisters or bothers children.If my children do soemthing or says something that should not be said i feel it should be corrected and there is no excuse for any child to be rude no matter what..I will not allow my children or anyones children even the kids next door come over know.. I had one time i had to correct a problem like that with the little girl from next door...She said something about my son who was 1 at the time i toldh er he was only 1 he didnt nkow there was no reason to be ruse and mean to him or anyone else if she was going to to do that then she needed to go home and not come back and would talk to her mother that was the end of the problem.. My sisters son was having dinner with us once he didnt like what was was having and said he was not going to eat that is was gross and didnt have to eat it..Then told him this is what we are having he would eat it or do with out and it was wrong for him to say that when he has never had it. My sister told him he would eat it and he better never say anything like that agian because it was rude and if he couldnt asy he was sorry and be nice she would just take him home and he wouldnt come back until he learned how to act like a gentalman.. But thats my family.

 

[golden6911]

I think it is fine to correct a child if they are not following the rules of your house. I would tell them that they are not behaving well and they are not following the rules of your house. A five year old can understand that the rules can be different at your house than her own. I would never physically discipline someone elses child with time outs or anything else (I personally don't spank so its not an option for me) unless things got completely out of control and the child was harming him/herself or someone else.