Do you discipline nieces/nephews when they visit your house? WWYD?

[kim_o]

I have and would again discipline ANY child that comes into my home. My house MY rules don't like it leave.

This is what i was going to say...word for word.

 

[AntePrincess]

I don't think there's an excuse for backseat parenting, about all I'd ever do is prevent a child from coming to immediate harm. Other children are their parents' responsibility, not mine, I have my own children to handle, and I don't tolerate backseat parenting from anyone at all (no, not even my parents). Fortunately, others attempting to discipline our child have never come up, we've been quick on the uptake.

In your circumstance, I would have stated the standards of the house in about the same way I introduced the adults to them. I would have absolutely ignored, as in "not heard," the poor behavior, and if necessary the child themself as if they weren't there. Oddly enough, this often does the trick. We have our own awful nephew, for about ten minutes. When we don't coddle his behavior one way or the other, or give him any attention, and make it plain that he simply loses interest for us as a person if he doesn't act like a human being, he straightens out almost magically.

But if it were really intolerable, I'd stay courteous and never invite them back once they were out the door.

 

[brockash]

I don't think there's an excuse for backseat parenting, about all I'd ever do is prevent a child from coming to immediate harm. Other children are their parents' responsibility, not mine, I have my own children to handle, and I don't tolerate backseat parenting from anyone at all (no, not even my parents). Fortunately, others attempting to discipline our child have never come up, we've been quick on the uptake.

In your circumstance, I would have stated the standards of the house in about the same way I introduced the adults to them. I would have absolutely ignored, as in "not heard," the poor behavior, and if necessary the child themself as if they weren't there. Oddly enough, this often does the trick. We have our own awful nephew, for about ten minutes. When we don't coddle his behavior one way or the other, or give him any attention, and make it plain that he simply loses interest for us as a person if he doesn't act like a human being, he straightens out almost magically.

But if it were really intolerable, I'd stay courteous and never invite them back once they were out the door.

ITA! Like I said, I'd say something like this is where we're sitting or let's be nice ect., but I would never "discipline" someone else's child, when the parent is sitting in the same room, and I would never be okay with someone "disciplining" my child if I'm there either. After reading some of the previous posts, those ppl. wouldn't have to worry about not inviting me back, because if someone disciplined my children while I was present, I wouldn't be coming back. Nothing like that has ever happened to us, and I'm very quick to jump on my kiddos, especially when we're at someone else's house, but I just can't imagine anyone ever discipling someone elses child when their parent is right there. I'm all for saying something to a kid if it's a safety issue ect., but I feel like some of the posts are getting pretty close to justifying the couple incidents that made news that a stranger at walmart hit someone elses kid. -I mean in that person's mind, I'm sure that's what they thought that child deserved, and the whole "hey it takes a village," but are you kidding me? No one can possibly justify that that's okay??? Yet, I don't see it that different than "discipling" someone else's kid in your own home, while their parent is right there. Some believe in spanking, some in time-outs, some in other things ect.

 

[peemagg]

For those of you who don't want any other person discliplining your child that is fine. You are all saying the same thing that you are doing the discliplining right then and there and no one else needs to jump in, nor should they. I applaud you all, and I am not being sarcastic here, I really do applaud you all. That is exactly what should have been done, but in the case of the OP, the parents sat there like a bump on a log and did nothing. That is not teaching the child the right way to act, it is teaching the child that Mom and Dad aren't going to do anything and I can do or say whatever I want. I am the boss.

As long as the parent got involved in the issue and did what needed to be done, then yes I would hold my tounge, but if they didn't, then they need to expect that I will say something. If they didn't like it then please don't bring your child back until you can control them. That is my opinion on it. If your style of parenting is doing nothing or saying nothing, then don't come near my family!

 

[Jasperann]

I would not hesitate to explain the rules of my home to a misbehaving child. If they can not follow the rules then they can leave. I'm not sure why his parents didn't say anything. That just sounds crazy.

When we are not at home and with family I fully expect my family to say something to my children if I'm not around to see them do something they know they shouldn't. (If I am around then I say something...or usually just give them 'the look' and they straighten up) My family likewise feels the same about their children.

That being said I have had one of my childrens friends decided she didn't like our rules and go home. She hasn't been back, but that is fine with me if she doesn't want to follow our simple rules. I don't want rude children in my house.

 

[ogreenlee]

When I say "discipline", I mean being reprimanded or corrected. Discipline doesn't mean spanking, yelling or time-out. Apparently this child needed some discipline.

 

[PiperPizzaz]

I can't get over people saying they just 'discipline' or say something to any kid they see anywhere.

People please keep in mind you don't know strangers situations. What may seem like bad behavior could be a medical, mental or other issue. Plus my poor little guy is giant for his age. There have been times where he is not listening too well for a 5 year old but, guess what he was only 3 so totally age appropriate.

You just never know.

 

[Debbie7452]

I have been in similar situations with DNiece. SIL would not step up unless pressured into it. I would have tried to pleasantly point out, "Wow, she's having a bad day! Do you want to handle it or shall I?"

My SIL used to be relieved that someone else would be the "bad guy" in a situation like that. Having a difficult child left her emotionally exhausted it seemed. I HAD to do something because my DS was the same age and would start copying the behaivors. Boy, did I dread those family get togethers for while until my DS was old enough to understand he could not act like DN!

Things are so much better now that the kids are all older, so take heart and good luck.

 

[ogreenlee]

I can't get over people saying they just 'discipline' or say something to any kid they see anywhere.

People please keep in mind you don't know strangers situations. What may seem like bad behavior could be a medical, mental or other issue. Plus my poor little guy is giant for his age. There have been times where he is not listening too well for a 5 year old but, guess what he was only 3 so totally age appropriate.

You just never know.

The OP is talking about her niece and nephews.

And what if it's not a relative? My good friend's daughter is the same age as mine. She's a sneaky little thing and is always trying to get my kid to go along. One day they were over here playing and I told them not to go upstairs to my DD's room as we were working upstairs on the house. We have a playroom downstairs. Well I'm standing in the kitchen and I see her whispering. So I edge closer. I overhear her whisper, "Lets just go anyway, come on."

The friend wasn't here, so I had to step in. I looked at the child and said, "Maddie, we do not sneak around in this house." She cut me an evil look and I made her sit in time-out. There isn't this whole "I wouldn't invite those people over again". This was my good friend's kid. I'm not going to stop being friends with them b/c she was acting up. That is ridiculous.

I told my friend what I did when she picked her DD up. She was appreciative that I didn't just allow her to behave that way in someone's home.

 

[NotUrsula]

If the OP has discussed the situation with her sister, then she should ask permission to step in should the behaviour recur in the future, and set down expectations for what she wants to happen if that permission is not given. (There is excellent shock value in being called down by someone other than your parents, you know.) Something like: "If you won't punish her for that and don't want me doing it, then I think it would be best if the gathering just broke up right then and there. Letting her get away with this is causing troulble with our own childrens' behavior."

In my family we all just jump in and discipline kids as needed, except in the case of one relative who is just blind to how much her 5 yo's "high spirits" infuriate everyone else at family gatherings. (Example: last Xmas he had broken every one of his gifts by 3 pm, and was wanting to start playing with the ones given to other children. At that point all of the children had to put their new toys away and under lock and key to keep them intact.) With that child it is not "high spirits"; but out-of-control willfulness, but she gets furious if anyone suggests that he needs to be called down. She'll even go off on her DH if he disciplines the child in her absence.

As to the OP's specific situation, there is also the possibility that the parents were concerned that she would not approve of their disciplinary techniques, and did not wish to make a scene. Personally I don't think that delayed punishment works well in such situations, but if your style and your family's don't mesh, it can get awkward to discipline during a big gathering. You have to be willing to tell extended family that they should not worry about that, but do what is necessary. It may be that the guest will be a spanker, and if you want them to discipline immediately, you have to accept that they do what they do, even if you don't like it. (I don't personally spank, but I have family who do, and I accept that if I give them full permission to discipline, then my kid will get spanked eventually. To do otherwise would create a double-standard wherein my child gets different punishment than their own children, when the infraction is the same.)

 

[worm761]

I can't believe how many people would just sit by and watch their child get bullied in their own home! If I know you well enough that you are coming over for dinner, I know you well enough to tell your kid to cut it out. I also know you well enough to tell you that your child will not be welcome in my home until their behavior improves.
My sister was living with me for a few months while her and her husband were having some issues. She sat right there while her kids were disrespectful and broke house rules. I expect EVERY child to follow house rules in my house. DS has asperger's and if he can follow them then so can everyone else. We disciplined her kids in front of her when she would do nothing. It is my house. She was told if she didn't like it, she was welcome to leave. Oddly enough, she admits her children are best behaved at our house. We aren't perfect parents. I would never allow someone to bully my child.

 

[inkedupmomma]

yes, i absolutely discipline my nieces and nephews when they are here. I think it is weird that people even have to ask that anymore. My aunts and uncles disciplined me as a child, as they should have. and I do the same.

 

[bumbershoot]

I read the first and last pages.

When we visit my brother's place, I have flat out told him that he can tell DS to stop doing something if it bothers him. I think he's still uncomfortable doing that, but he has NO problems calling me in to take care of the situation, if DS gets too rambunctious, etc etc.

I can't imagine my son doing something like what your niece did (and if he did, he and I would be away from the table like a shot, to have a convo about his behaviour, and if it didn't stop we'd leave), but if he did, and if I didn't hear or didn't respond, my brother absolutely would say something like "Molly, do you want to take care of what your son is saying/doing now? I think he's had enough of dinnertime." And that would be very clear for me.

Actually, one time we waited for dinner for too long, and ended up out at a restaurant a bit later than we should have been, on a visit to my brother's place. DS was only 1 or 2, and was tired and a bit cranky. Hubby and I were doing our best to "control" him, but he was getting loud and banging silverware, etc etc. Finally my brother just told us that we should stop torturing ourselves, DS, and the rest of the restaurant, just box things up to go, and get home. easy peasy! Hubby and I weren't blind to his behaviour, but to us, it was worth the extra time out...but it was NOT worth it to my brother and his wife. I'm glad they spoke up! It was very helpful!

 

[hanutedmansionmomma]

OP here again SO much to think about! Great advice everyone. :

In the end I think I need to chat w/ DSister and see where it goes. I don't think the dinner was much fun for them either.

The word Aspergers popped up a couple times and that has me wondering too...based on much more than this situation. heavy stuff! I know I can't even go there with my sister. How hard would THAT be?

They are the only family we have in the surrounding 4 states. Need to make this work - we will have lots of years together and want to make it nice for everyone and have some fun

 

[kristinw3girls]

I do discipline, but a little more gentle and a little less often. I can't and won't tolerate back talk or climbing on furniture, and some other peeves. I can't ask my kids to do something while my DN is doing the exact thing I'm talking about. My SIL has had issues with my discipline, and by that I mean saying ANYTHING at all. DN was adopted 2 years ago and my SIL thinks she's still scarred! So by telling her no, I hurt her feelings??? Whatever. My house, my rules (within reason). I just think she's not helping her DD adjust to the world around her if you NEVER tell her no. It's my job to make my girls kind, caring, honest, productive members of society! I don't think you can parent in a vacume.

 

[duffy]

I just wanted to say that I love your signature.

I noticed your screen name right away, (I tend to notice these things) and I love your solution.

 

[Leleluvsdis]

My nephew is only 3 1/2, but I definetly disipline him when he's in my home. My husband's sister in law and I do not have the best relationship and we definetly do not agree when it comes to dicipline. Their idea of discipline is as long as they aren't bothering me everythings fine. He yells at them hits and kicks at them blows raspberrys you name it he does it. However he does NOT act like that to me and he knows he does not or he goes in time out. I have had her leave my house before b/c she was mad that I put him in time out, but it is very rare that he misbehaves with me. My personal opinion a 3 year old does not rule a house, and a 3 year old will not make me miserable in my own house. I unlinke your situation do not have kids, but if I did there is no way that a niece or nephew would talk to my children like that. She sounds like a pure bully. Hope it works out. I appologize I did not read this whole thread so I hope I'm not repeating.