Children Moving Out?

[Erica_Haley]

Right after high school I moved out to go to college at 18. 2 1/2 hours away, living off campus with 2 roommates. I ended up changing my major, which happened to be something they offer at the university at my home town and moving home to save money.
Now I'm 25, and until 2 months ago, it was just my mom and I living together. I did pay whatever was asked of me so I wasn't a total freeloader. When her and her fiance decided to buy a house together I figured it was time for me to move out. However when I mentioned it to my mom, she was upset and wanted me to stay. I tried to talk to reason with her, like I can't live with her forever and I have to move out at some point. But she just wasn't budging. She'd miss me too much, I'm her best friend, I can build up my savings living with her, she needs surgery soon and she'll need the extra help around the house, etc. So here I am, almost 26 and I still live with my mom.

 

[disneychrista]

Maybe empower these young women to be more self-reliant instead of sending the message they need a relationship in order to move out.

What a bunch of BS!!

 

[Donaldswife]

What a bunch of BS!!

I don't think what lifesavacation said is BS. You plainly stated that you always assumed they would marry or have a relationship and move out then. I'm sure your daughters have picked up on that assumption.

 

[disneychrista]

I don't think what lifesavacation said is BS. You plainly stated that you always assumed they would marry or have a relationship and move out then. I'm sure your daughters have picked up on that assumption.

But NOWHERE did I say that I instilled this idea in my daughters, which is what lifesavacation is saying. It is a pretty normal occurrence. I moved out with my boyfriend. My oldest did but moved back when they broke up. MANY posters here have said their children have moved out with their boyfriends/girlfriends. Why because I thought this would have happened am I making my daughter into helpless females?

 

[SteveH]

Both boys moved out for college, dorms then apartments but came home for summers. Oldest finished then headed off to grad school, on his own dime. We helped get him settled in, but he paid for it. One more year then he's back and then a couple months later he's getting married. We've encouraged him to save money for expenses, that's what living at home is for. I am sure we'll help them out but as a married working couple they should be fine on their own. When the youngest graduates college we'll see how much help he may need, but neither my wife and I are believers in paving the way. There is nothing wrong about not having everything you need or want when you move out.

 

[PrincessShmoo]

@disneychrista I'm sorry some people have taken it upon themselves to tell you it's all your fault. Possibly they're working issues in their own lives and it's coloring their responses? I don't know.

I'm wondering how many of them actually read the questions you posted in the first post. It seems not, as those posts are not answering them.

Just hold fast to your parenting style, and glean out what information you can from those of us who actually answered your questions.

 

[LongLiveRafiki]

I skipped my senior year of HS to go to the community college full time at 16/17. I worked 3 jobs to pay for tuition and books. I was technically still living at home that year so didn't have to pay rent and my dad paid my car insurance (I bought my actual car), but I fully paid for college expenses and 99% of my food. I hadn't had health insurance since I was a kid and paid for my own contacts/eye exams since 16. At 17.5, I joined the military and never lived at home again or received financial support from my parents. I never had any desire to move back home, though I was surprised when I came home to visit for boot leave (still 17) and my dad had already converted my bedroom into an office so I slept on the floor.

By the time I was 23, I had spent 4 years in the military, gotten my B.A., been married for 3 years, and had a kid. I personally can't imagine ever having lived at home again and at the time, it never crossed my mind that my parents would have given financial support after I turned 18. It wasn't something that was ever discussed. I just assumed becoming an adult at 18 meant being financially independent.

I'm just sharing my experiences and this is not to put down anyone who thinks/has done things differently.

 

[disneychrista]

@disneychrista I'm sorry some people have taken it upon themselves to tell you it's all your fault. Possibly they're working issues in their own lives and it's coloring their responses? I don't know.

It's okay, it's the DIS I am used to it. The HELPFUL advice/suggestions really are appreciated. I know it is coming form a place of caring.

 

[low-key]

I dont understand kids thought in todays world, they all want to stay home (I get the money) but when I turned 18, I would gladly be broke for all my days and be on my own (and I had a great home)

 

[Simba's Mom]

I dont understand kids thought in todays world, they all want to stay home (I get the money) but when I turned 18, I would gladly be broke for all my days and be on my own (and I had a great home)

DH and I say the same thing. We couldn't wait to have our own place. It had nothing to do with wanting to get away from Mom and Dad, it was just part of the desire to grow up, sort of like wanting to get your driver's license. Adulthood!

 

[disneychrista]

sort of like wanting to get your driver's license.

Many "kids" these days aren't that interested in getting a license either.

 

[MrsPete]

I'm more or less saying for many people 200K would be a long time for saving and would the cost be worth it at that exact moment if you felt there was a cost to be had.

I suspect that most college graduates who are living at home /purposefully spending very little /making saving a priority could knock it out in less than five years ... remember, investing compounds your money.

Not sure what your solution ended up being but what works for us for many reasons is that everyone is responsible for themselves. I will make things or buy things and let them know they are welcome to enjoy some, mostly because there is no way I am going to eat it all.

Our biggest issue was that our oldest is vegetarian, so I liked knowing ahead of time which days she'd be home ... so I could plan meals she'd enjoy with the rest of the family. We started a write-it-on-the-calendar system, and the problem disappeared. It was a matter of communication.

First two quotes are not me.

Oops. Sorry.

Have they brought up any ideas/plans to facilitate a move for themselves? Are roommates an option? I’m in my late 20s and I live with roommates; housing here is too expensive for the wages. It was even worse when I lived in NYC; 3 of us women sharing a 1-bedroom apartment. But we made it work.

Funny how when you WANT something to work, it does.

Home ownership is seen as the foundation for wealth-building, and it’s encouraging to hear how many DIS offspring have apparently achieved it, but for the younger ones just coming of age now, many fear they never will.

Disagree. I have a child who's 4 years out of college; not only do she and her husband own a house, they're going to have it paid off before they're 30. I have a college senior who's actively saving. Home ownership is definitely possible for today's college graduates.

But NOWHERE did I say that I instilled this idea in my daughters, which is what lifesavacation is saying. It is a pretty normal occurrence. I moved out with my boyfriend. My oldest did but moved back when they broke up. MANY posters here have said their children have moved out with their boyfriends/girlfriends. Why because I thought this would have happened am I making my daughter into helpless females?

I think the thing is that you presented it as the ONLY option you anticipated for your girls. Perhaps you didn't intend it to come out sound like it did.
For what it's worth, I've never supported the idea of living with a significant other ... I've seen it end badly more often than not. You need to live on your own /with platonic roommates /need to have that experience before adding the emotional aspect of a long-term romantic relationship.

Many "kids" these days aren't that interested in getting a license either.

We read that on the internet ... but it isn't what I see amongst my high school seniors. The few seniors who don't have a license (it's usually about money) are not pleased about it.

 

[ronandannette]

Disagree. I have a child who's 4 years out of college; not only do she and her husband own a house, they're going to have it paid off before they're 30. I have a college senior who's actively saving. Home ownership is definitely possible for today's college graduates.

Not impossible, certainly, but I imagine their odds change based on how much student debt they carry and the real estate values v.s. wages in the areas in which they live. My comment was more in relation to young Millennials' perception of their ability to buy a home than the actual reality of it. I've got no statistics on this but I'd imagine most people in the US and Canada eventually end up being homeowners. Only a very slim minority will have them paid for by age 30 - I'm sure you know the situation you describe is quite remarkable.

 

[disneychrista]

I think the thing is that you presented it as the ONLY option you anticipated for your girls. Perhaps you didn't intend it to come out sound like it did.

I can see how it could be interpreted that way but NO it is certainly not their only option and certainly not one I’ve ever even discussed with them.

 

[ronandannette]

I can see how it could be interpreted that way but NO it is certainly not their only option and certainly not one I’ve ever even discussed with them.

I totally get that it would have been your general expectation; not that you necessarily wished it for them or required it of them. I think we all sort of expect our kids will follow a somewhat conventional path. That doesn't mean we demand it, or specifically groom them in that direction.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I suspect that most college graduates who are living at home /purposefully spending very little /making saving a priority could knock it out in less than five years ... remember, investing compounds your money.

I really beg to differ. Generally speaking one still has at least some expenses, plus you do have to pay taxes on what you earn.

I absolutely think it's admirable but I think it's something that is extremely specific to your daughter. Maybe if the amount was like 50K it might come off more reasonable but 200K..

And 5 years is a long time IMO. Too long IMO for the expressed purpose of saving some arbitrary number in lieu of moving out on one's own. For me the cost is too high when considering all other things. But again it's an agreement you've made with your daughter.

I'm not meaning any disrespect here at all so please don't take it that way

Disagree. I have a child who's 4 years out of college; not only do she and her husband own a house, they're going to have it paid off before they're 30. I have a college senior who's actively saving. Home ownership is definitely possible for today's college graduates.

What the PP was saying is an accurate portrayal. Homeownership is not the gold standard it once was. That's a shift in goals combined with the realistic viewpoints people have on expenses such as student loans, salary, and the cost of homeownership. It's still a big goal it's just not the rite of passage it once was.

In my area it's such a seller's market (and has been for about 5 years now) that is only just starting to cool. There's a housing shortage and affordable housing is on low supply. You can still own a home but it'll generally cost you $$$. On the other hand renting comes with its own downsides because the average rent has also increased.

I know of absolutely no one would will be owning their home before 30 (ETA: I should add my husband is 30 and I'm 31 so we're already past that own by age 30 timeframe lol). Large part of that is when they bought the home to begin with combined with the normal 30 year mortgage. It's amazing to be able to do it before 30 but it would be a miracle to anyone I know. For my husband and I we did re-fi 2 1/2 years into our mortgage to get rid of PMI (our home had appreciated enough--remember seller's market factor) so we did lengthen our mortgage for those 2 1/2 years but realistically we'll still be at least mid 50s by the time we paid it off unless we throw money at it by paying additional payments though that will only shave off a little bit at this point. We bought when we were 25 and 26 and I feel like that's fairly normal if not actually a bit early these days.

 

[MrsPete]

I really beg to differ. Generally speaking one still has at least some expenses, plus you do have to pay taxes on what you earn.

I absolutely think it's admirable but I think it's something that is extremely specific to your daughter. Maybe if the amount was like 50K it might come off more reasonable but 200K..

And 5 years is a long time IMO. Too long IMO for the expressed purpose of saving some arbitrary number in lieu of moving out on one's own. For me the cost is too high when considering all other things. But again it's an agreement you've made with your daughter.

I'm not meaning any disrespect here at all so please don't take it that way

What the PP was saying is an accurate portrayal. Homeownership is not the gold standard it once was. That's a shift in goals combined with the realistic viewpoints people have on expenses such as student loans, salary, and the cost of homeownership. It's still a big goal it's just not the rite of passage it once was.

In my area it's such a seller's market (and has been for about 5 years now) that is only just starting to cool. There's a housing shortage and affordable housing is on low supply. You can still own a home but it'll generally cost you $$$. On the other hand renting comes with its own downsides because the average rent has also increased.

I know of absolutely no one would will be owning their home before 30. Large part of that is when they bought the home to begin with combined with the normal 30 year mortgage. It's amazing to be able to do it before 30 but it would be a miracle to anyone I know. For my husband and I we did re-fi 2 1/2 years into our mortgage to get rid of PMI (our home had appreciated enough--remember seller's market factor) so we did lengthen our mortgage for those 2 1/2 years but realistically we'll still be at least mid 50s by the time we paid it off unless we throw money at it by paying additional payments though that will only shave off a little bit at this point. We bought when we were 25 and 26 and I feel like that's fairly normal if not actually a bit early these days.

Eh, disagree on numerous counts.

- My four-years out of college daughter's friends are also buying houses; several are both homeowners AND parents. My girls are the "younger ones" in the extended family, and 100% of the older cousins (none are 30 yet) are home owners.
- Paying for a house for a full 30 years is a questionable choice -- questionable as long-term stability goes. As you said, "throw extra money at it" every month -- even if it's only $50 or so -- and it'll slash your period of indebtedness exponentially. My husband and I paid off our first house (30 year mortgage) in 11 years, and we were able to pay cash for our second house. Really, it's about attacking the principle and staying ahead of your amortization schedule.
- My 21-year old college senior is already more than 10% of the way to that 200K goal ... and that's working part-time /putting her education first.
- My younger daughter and I don't so much have "an agreement" ... it's more that she set herself a goal. She set this goal after her sophomore year in college when she got serious about her college major /potential earnings. She decided she had to figure out a way to reconcile her career goal with the lifestyle she wants to live ... so she asked me to help her with some numbers /what she might need to invest "up front" to be able to retire comfortably one day in light of a small paycheck.
- I'm fine with her living here as long as she wants, but -- more importantly -- she's comfortable here. We have not discussed five years; someone asked how long this might take, and I threw out a guess that seems achievable for anyone who's trying to meet such a goal. I really anticipate my daughter will do it in less.

Last thought: You know that saying, Whether you think you can or whether you think you can't, you're right? I think that applies here. Obviously you know your own business, but I went from being a free-lunch kid to being quite comfortable. I don't say that to be braggy, but it's possible. It requries long-range planning and sacrifice (especially in the beginning while the magic of compound interest is still strongly on your side). We only had one car for the first three years of or marriage, we rarely ate out, we bought clothing from thrift shops ... but we're going to retire in our early 50s.

Real last thought: I wish you nothing but luck with the path you've chosen, though it's not the same as the one for which my girls have opted.

 

[Wishing on a star]

First, I will say this.
Having well-into-adulthood chidlren in your home, while admitting to saying at least several times. "MOVE OUT" is just simply not a positive healthy and functional situation.

OP has become very defensive, and now claims those 'undisclosed' reasons, in addition to all of the other factors, why these adults, who she states want to move out, simply have not, and will not.

OP, claims she was just asking and venting. But, we all know that when you post this much personal information, there ARE going to be responses.
The OP does not seem to like the responses that she is getting.
I tend to agree with most of the responses.

I am sitting here thinking that if two of these adult children were to get a place and split expenses, this should be very possible, and doable. Maybe not easy. But, who ever says life is easy. My life wasn't easy when I was 'on my own' much, much, much, younger than the OP's adult children.

If there are personal and developmental factors that make it unreasonable for these adults to be independent, then, that is what should be addressed, ASAP.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Eh, disagree on numerous counts.

- My four-years out of college daughter's friends are also buying houses; several are both homeowners AND parents. My girls are the "younger ones" in the extended family, and 100% of the older cousins (none are 30 yet) are home owners.
- Paying for a house for a full 30 years is a questionable choice -- questionable as long-term stability goes. As you said, "throw extra money at it" every month -- even if it's only $50 or so -- and it'll slash your period of indebtedness exponentially. My husband and I paid off our first house (30 year mortgage) in 11 years, and we were able to pay cash for our second house. Really, it's about attacking the principle and staying ahead of your amortization schedule.
- My 21-year old college senior is already more than 10% of the way to that 200K goal ... and that's working part-time /putting her education first.
- My younger daughter and I don't so much have "an agreement" ... it's more that she set herself a goal. She set this goal after her sophomore year in college when she got serious about her college major /potential earnings. She decided she had to figure out a way to reconcile her career goal with the lifestyle she wants to live ... so she asked me to help her with some numbers /what she might need to invest "up front" to be able to retire comfortably one day in light of a small paycheck.
- I'm fine with her living here as long as she wants, but -- more importantly -- she's comfortable here. We have not discussed five years; someone asked how long this might take, and I threw out a guess that seems achievable for anyone who's trying to meet such a goal. I really anticipate my daughter will do it in less.

Last thought: You know that saying, Whether you think you can or whether you think you can't, you're right? I think that applies here. Obviously you know your own business, but I went from being a free-lunch kid to being quite comfortable. I don't say that to be braggy, but it's possible. It requries long-range planning and sacrifice (especially in the beginning while the magic of compound interest is still strongly on your side). We only had one car for the first three years of or marriage, we rarely ate out, we bought clothing from thrift shops ... but we're going to retire in our early 50s.

Real last thought: I wish you nothing but luck with the path you've chosen, though it's not the same as the one for which my girls have opted.

Your kids's situations are quite the unique thing. It's not something the general college grad or student would choose to do nor be able to do for multiple things (saving the $$$$ and choosing to live at home that long for that reason, owning before 30, etc) and for multiple reasons. It's great and amazing your kids can do it. It's just on the extreme and a situation unlikely to be able to be replicated to majority of ones out there--that's mostly the message I was trying to convey in the context of this thread

 

[disykat]

I'm always surprised when people say that young people are so financially disadvantaged now. I always wonder - compared to when? I graduated in the early 80's. Despite having no college debt, I didn't buy a home until I was almost 30, had a 13 in. b/w tv, hand me down furniture, and a very used car. I don't know ANY young people that live the way I ( and pretty much all of my other college educated early career friends at the time) lived then. Interest rates were very high and none of my friends bought homes until they'd been on their own for a long time. Even at that, I surpassed my parent's standard of living at their age. My parents bought their first home at 32/34 in the early 60's. And THEY definitely surpassed THEIR parent's standard of living at similar ages.

My own children surpassed my standard of living at their ages as well. By 24 one had bought a home and one rents an apartment with no roommates. They both have new furniture, vehicles, electronics, and travel, eat out, etc.