Children Moving Out?

[NYCgrrl]

Like a upstream poster I think cultural differences can also play a part in when and how a parent(s) decides to allow older children to live with them.

My oldest sister went straight from college back to Mom, paying half of every bill my mother's home generated. Stayed there until she was in her early 30's when she moved across the street from me so I could use her Cuisinart and she could use my washing machine, LOL. About 2 years later she married.

My mother did this to accommodate my sister's needs while ensuring her own older age fund. Had my sister chosen to leave earlier Mom would undoubtably have sold off the 3 b/r apt sooner. The two of them also continued expanding on their relationship while they continued living together which is a something I envy older sister for having the opportunity: Mom was a wise, strong, and funny woman.


@disneychrista - As long as you are happy with your current living situation AND your children are being responsible for house bills as well, I don't see a problem. I also understand the want to kvetch/vent at times w/o the need for possibly intrusive questions when advice isn't requested.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

And I would say there is MORE value in being able to do these things before they are are out on their own.

Home repairs I do count differently because that's a constant learning of knowledge over time and these days YouTube is amazing for the wealth of knowledge. But no one really knows everything there is to know about home repairs. You learn as you go, whether you're renting or paying a mortgage or finally done with that mortgage. We just fixed a toilet a couple weeks ago courtesy of YouTube And did you know you're supposed to mail your smoke detectors back to the manufacturer if they are ionized ones because they contain radioactive material? We didn't and we had a faulty one that we replaced. My area doesn't accept those as part of household hazardous waste either though some areas do. So now the faulty one is just sitting in our house lol.

There's no advantage that I personally see to being physically at home for appointments and bills especially because those things are working knowledge on our adult responsibilities. I didn't need to be living at my mom's house to know that I'm due for my eye appointment and I need to call it in.

 

[Julie's Haircut]

Some 30 year olds DO need help making a plan. And 30 year olds are certainly not "almost middle-aged".

At the other end of the spectrum, the grandmother of the guy I mentioned above, while she was in her late 70's, claimed she was STILL middle-aged.

 

[Floridaman999]

Whatever happened to that guy who's parents had to evict that was in the news? I guess he survived cause I haven't read any updates. This thread reminded me of that situation.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

if both the parent and the adult child are OK with the situation, what business is it of mine?

As long as you are happy with your current living situation AND your children are being responsible for house bills as well, I don't see a problem.

Totally agree except the OP expressed "I am so ready for them to move out" I think they are resigned to the situation and perhaps that's why the advice is not really wanted (not trying to assume but that's my feelings in reading the responses). But posters were likely responding to that tidbit of information.

 

[Searc]

Like a upstream poster I think cultural differences can also play a part in when and how a parent(s) decides to allow older children to live with them.

My oldest sister went straight from college back to Mom, paying half of every bill my mother's home generated. Stayed there until she was in her early 30's when she moved across the street from me so I could use her Cuisinart and she could use my washing machine, LOL. About 2 years later she married.

My mother did this to accommodate my sister's needs while ensuring her own older age fund. Had my sister chosen to leave earlier Mom would undoubtably have sold off the 3 b/r apt sooner. The two of them also continued expanding on their relationship while they continued living together which is a something I envy older sister for having the opportunity: Mom was a wise, strong, and funny woman.


@disneychrista - As long as you are happy with your current living situation AND your children are being responsible for house bills as well, I don't see a problem. I also understand the want to kvetch/vent at times w/o the need for possibly intrusive questions when advice isn't requested.

If you have read any previous posts from her on the topic, you'd know she is not happy her adult offspring still live with her.

 

[NYCgrrl]

Totally agree except the OP expressed "I am so ready for them to move out" I think they are resigned to the situation and perhaps that's why the advice is not really wanted (not trying to assume but that's my feelings in reading the responses). But posters were likely responding to that tidbit of information.

If you have read any previous posts from her on the topic, you'd know she is not happy her adult offspring still live with her.

I did read other posts by the OP and when she said this in the middle of the thread I took it at face value with no need on my behalf at least to analyse the why:

I was going to respond to individual responses but instead I am just going to say this.

Thank you for your concern & advice. I posted this to see what others have experienced and vented a little, not seeking advice or help for the situation. I am living it and know full well the reality of it.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I did read other posts by the OP and when she said this in the middle of the thread I took it at face value with no need on my behalf at least to analyse the why:

I was specifically commenting on your response "As long as you are happy with your current living situation". The OP may be resigned to the fact that the living situation is what it is at the moment but it didn't appear they were completely happy with it. Two different things. I'm going to hazard the thread wouldn't have contained necessarily the same advice if it was clear that the OP had zero problems with it and was merely curious what other's experiences were. As is normally there's some discontent going on behind the post to begin with.

 

[marthachick]

DS bought a house when he had just turned 25. Until then he lived at home except for a semester at college. He decided he didn't like his major and changed to a community college. He's a paramedic, part time firefighter and 2 credits away from being a nurse. He got married in May. DDIL is a dental assistant and works part time at a restaurant. He has minimal student loan debt and we have helped very little with his house expenses. We gave them some money for furniture and helped a bit with their wedding. He has bought 2 new trucks and she has bought a new car. He is 27 now and she is 21.

 

[Simba's Mom]

At what age did you children move out on their own? Did they move into shared housing or in their own apartment.? Did you help with any expenses or where they self sufficient?

Neither DS moved back after college, about age 23. DS #1, moved into an apartment on his own in Texas. DS #2 technically lived with us for another 5 years-he worked as a music manager for a cruise line, and between contracts (every 4-6 months) he'd have a few weeks off, when he'd live at home. Then he moved to NYC, and we gave him a few thousand dollars in those first few months while he found a job and a place to live. Eventually he found an apartment with roommates (now his live-in girlfriend) and a job (several jobs, actually).

 

[disneychrista]

The OP may be resigned to the fact that the living situation is what it is at the moment but it didn't appear they were completely happy with it.

The fact is as much as I would like things to be different, I do know that they would like to be out almost as much I do. There are a lot of reasons why it hasn't happened. Reasons I don't feel the need to disclose. I always kinda assumed they would find a boyfriend, get married or whatever and move in with that person.

If I had to start over find a place to live on my own right now, I would have difficulty as well. As I think I mentioned my mortgage is less than most one-bedroom apartments in this area right now. A shortage of housing means landlords can change higher rents and still find someone to lease to.

 

[Searc]

I did read other posts by the OP and when she said this in the middle of the thread I took it at face value with no need on my behalf at least to analyse the why:

I am not referring to this thread.

 

[Chocolate Cake]

I hear you there. DD’s 28 & 26 are both still home. I am so ready for them to move out.

There are a lot of reasons why it hasn't happened. Reasons I don't feel the need to disclose.

Believe me they KNOW mom's done with them being at home. I have made a point to tell my oldest to MOVE OUT more than once in the past few months when she doesn't like something about living here.

Im not asking for advice because I don’t need it. Does everyone think that the ideas of roommates or second jobs are unique.

You actually do need advice. You have human beings living in your home that you no longer want living there. That's a problem that needs a solution. What will you do to solve your problem, since roommates and second jobs are such pedestrian ideas?

 

[wenrob]

Like a upstream poster I think cultural differences can also play a part in when and how a parent(s) decides to allow older children to live with them.

My oldest sister went straight from college back to Mom, paying half of every bill my mother's home generated. Stayed there until she was in her early 30's when she moved across the street from me so I could use her Cuisinart and she could use my washing machine, LOL. About 2 years later she married.

My mother did this to accommodate my sister's needs while ensuring her own older age fund. Had my sister chosen to leave earlier Mom would undoubtably have sold off the 3 b/r apt sooner. The two of them also continued expanding on their relationship while they continued living together which is a something I envy older sister for having the opportunity: Mom was a wise, strong, and funny woman.


@disneychrista - As long as you are happy with your current living situation AND your children are being responsible for house bills as well, I don't see a problem. I also understand the want to kvetch/vent at times w/o the need for possibly intrusive questions when advice isn't requested.

Come to think of it, my great aunt lived with my (grandma’s mother) great grandmother her entire life with the exception of a brief marriage. I don’t ever remember thinking too much about it. She was my “worldly” Aunt who traveled quite often and would bring me teeny, tiny bottles of French perfume. I always assumed she was taking care of great grandma. More likely it was a combo of them taking care of each other and that women of that era did not live alone if they were not married.

I also had two great uncles that lived off and on with my (grandpa’s mother) great grandmother after marriages/splits until after she passed. They were in film and were always on the road. I think I always thought of her house as home base for them.

In both cases no one ever thought anything about to my knowledge. They certainly didn’t see them as deadbeats or moochers. I completely forgot about both instances until your post.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

The fact is as much as I would like things to be different, I do know that they would like to be out almost as much I do. There are a lot of reasons why it hasn't happened. Reasons I don't feel the need to disclose. I always kinda assumed they would find a boyfriend, get married or whatever and move in with that person.

If I had to start over find a place to live on my own right now, I would have difficulty as well. As I think I mentioned my mortgage is less than most one-bedroom apartments in this area right now. A shortage of housing means landlords can change higher rents and still find someone to lease to.

You certainly don't have to explain anything to us and I think a lot of people do understand this and that regarding the realities of today.

I think people were just trying to come up with ideas but were getting push back every time ideas were put forth (as is your right because you don't have to give people information). Even though advice may have not been wanted the posts read like "I'm frustrated and in a stalemate" kinda of thing (at least to me) rather than merely curiosity but I do understand you weren't looking for advice--I just couldn't help but give it

 

[disneychrista]

roommates and second jobs are such pedestrian ideas?

Didn't say they were pedestrian ideas. I said they are not unique. Like they themselves haven't thought about these things. It's kind of like telling someone that says they don't like the color of their walls that the could paint their walls, like they hadn't already thought of that idea themselves.

 

[mickeyfan9194]

DS1 moved out at 23 after college, and moved in with 2 roommates in a 3 bedroom apartment. Found his future wife and bought a townhome with her 2 years later.

DS2 moved out at 24 and bought a large 5 bedroom house in an urban area. He rents the other bedrooms to his friends, and that pays most of the mortgage. He and his friends have done improvements to the home, and he now has quite a bit of equity. He also works 2 jobs.

DS3 moved 1500 miles away at 23 with his girlfriend. They rent a townhouse. They both work 2 jobs and are saving money for a down payment on a house.

All of them are financially stable (college was paid for), good at saving money, have been paying for their cell phones and car insurance since they turned 18, and can do most simple home/auto repairs themselves.

The 2 that are local, we see every couple of weeks. The one that moved away, we see a couple times a year. We LOVE spending time with them when they visit, but (honestly) don’t miss them living at home. We are happy empty-nesters.

 

[disneychrista]

I do understand you weren't looking for advice--I just couldn't help but give it

And it is appreciated. I honestly was only curious what others experiences were with when their kids moved out. Like I said up thread I don't have a lot of friends IRL so honestly don't know what others experiences are. I also am sure in the non-perfect world outside the DIS, there are plenty of parents struggling with this.

 

[fla4fun]

Having roommates or getting a second job might, at first, seem the easy solution. But in this day and age, I wouldn’t live with anyone that I didn’t know extremely well, and even then, I would constantly be waiting for the other shoe to drop. Having roommates used to be an innocent and sensible solution. Today it can get you killed, whether it’s the roommate, or their SO, or the friends they bring in, or the lifestyle habits they pick up. People just aren’t as trustworthy as they used to be, and that’s unfortunate.

As to a second job, that is not always feasible due to restrictions on the first job. For example, if the first job has rotating shifts, or if you are required to be on call to fill shifts with little notice, it wouldn’t be fair to the second employer and you might be let go. Other jobs restrict the types of second jobs you can have, to make it impossible to work for a possible competitor or vendor. Where I work, any second job has to be approved before you can accept it, and you are expected to make the primary job your priority, no exceptions. Also, if your primary job involves long shifts and a long commute, you really need that day or two off to have any kind of work/life balance. You can burn the candle at both ends short term, for example to save a down payment, but it’s not healthy to do if the financial need is long term. Eventually you end up not being able to function properly at either job and risk losing them both.

Having said all that, I think it’s up to each individual family to decide when it’s the right time to leave the nest. When the OP and her daughters decide they want this to happen, it will. They will find a way. What way, and in what timing, is not ours to choose.

 

[lifesavacation]

The fact is as much as I would like things to be different, I do know that they would like to be out almost as much I do. There are a lot of reasons why it hasn't happened. Reasons I don't feel the need to disclose. I always kinda assumed they would find a boyfriend, get married or whatever and move in with that person.

If I had to start over find a place to live on my own right now, I would have difficulty as well. As I think I mentioned my mortgage is less than most one-bedroom apartments in this area right now. A shortage of housing means landlords can change higher rents and still find someone to lease to.

Maybe empower these young women to be more self-reliant instead of sending the message they need a relationship in order to move out. I bet with some guidance and support from you they could flourish on their own.