Baby Showers for Unplanned Pregnancies (Young Mothers)

[NaLisa]

Just wanted to add that my DDs' baby books have a couple of baby shower pages. Spots for pics of the shower guests and cake, list of guests who attended, gifts given, games played, etc. I can just imagine a 6-year-old child asking why those pages in the baby book are blank. I guess mom would explain that because she became pregnant as a teen most people disapproved of her pregnancy and refused to celebrate baby's impending arrival.

 

[myheartlivesatwdw]

Just wanted to add that my DDs' baby books have a couple of baby shower pages. Spots for pics of the shower guests and cake, list of guests who attended, gifts given, games played, etc. I can just imagine a 6-year-old child asking why those pages in the baby book are blank. I guess mom would explain that because she became pregnant as a teen most people disapproved of her pregnancy and refused to celebrate baby's impending arrival.

Seriously? Over blank pages? Some people don't even have a baby book. I'm sure there are moms who never get around to filling them in completely either...I highly doubt children will be scarred for life over it especially a 6 year old.

 

[NaLisa]

Seriously? Over blank pages? Some people don't even have a baby book. I'm sure there are moms who never get around to filling them in completely either...I highly doubt children will be scarred for life over it especially a 6 year old.

Ummm, I didn't say they would be scarred for life. Just think it would be a sad moment and an indication to child that they were "unwanted."

My kids LOVE looking at their baby books. I'm not a scrapbooker or overly sentimental about keeping things, but completing their baby books is the one thing I did manage to do. My DDs pull them out every few months and love looking at the pics and hearing stories about their birth and first years.

ETA: I was specifically responding to the remarks that a shower is strictly for the mother and not the baby.

 

[kamik86]

I totally agree here. and for the record, I work for our local school district and see girls all the time in the HS oohing and ahhing over all the pregnant girls. They all get so giddy and excited talking about baby stuff and it just baffles me that they could all be so excited about becoming teen mothers, but then again they chose that path for themselves.

I'm not sure how much it is excited to be teen moms. When I was 16 my sister had a baby (note sister was 26 and married) I loved showing pictures of the baby to my friends and talking about her. The daughter of the woman who owned her day care center was another girl in my school so she also knew my baby niece and we would take about all the cute things she does. I would love to just hold my niece and watch her sleep. Now I knew being a mom then was not something I was ready for... but the baby was still awesome, exciting, and worth gushing over!!

I did have many people assume she was mine when I was out with her (including once when my sister and mom were right behind me, I just happened to be carrying the baby in her carrier, because well my sister had to do it all the time and was glad for the break and I wanted to spent as much time with the baby as I could!) but really I was happy to get to be the aunt and play with a new baby without having to deal with the sleep deprivation part (except once in a while when I would baby sit late so my sister could go out)

 

[kamik86]

Ummm, I didn't say they would be scarred for life. Just think it would be a sad moment and an indication to child that they were "unwanted."

My kids LOVE looking at their baby books. I'm not a scrapbooker or overly sentimental about keeping things, but completing their baby books is the one thing I did manage to do. My DDs pull them out every few months and love looking at the pics and hearing stories about their birth and first years.

Really?? I was unwanted. My parents wanted 3 kids. I was number 4 and 10 years behind the last one. My parents thought they were done with little kids and didn't do some of the things they did with the older kids (but I got some things that they didn't, partially because my parents fiances were much better by then so I got to do summer camp, I just didn't get to camp with my parents as much as they couldn't sleep on the ground anymore, that sort of thing.)

Definitely didn't scar me. I know alot of people that know they weren't planned. We also know we are loved... much more important.

 

[ckay87]

I feel like a baby shower IS for the mom. The sentiment, to me, is "good luck on this difficult path that you've chosen" (it is still a choice). And REAL friends display REAL love by supporting you and wishing you well in difficult times. Real friends even (gasp) wish you HAPPINESS in difficult times. Thus the cake and decorations. I was a fairly young mother too (out of college, though) and I hope that the folks at my shower were there to genuinely wish me good luck, but I doubt that's true.

 

[shortbun]

Gotta wonder what other kinds of judgement these folks will be making AND I hate it that their children will most likely be echoing their prejudices as they age.

 

[ncmickeyluvr]

I thought that I would weigh in with my experience.

This time last year, I attended a baby shower for the 16 year old friend of my Niece. My family is quite close, so I was familiar with this girl and her family from parties and such. I'm friendly with her parents but not "friends", kwim?

Anyway, I was a little conflicted about whether I wanted to go. DD was invited and I wasn't sure if I wanted her to see a bunch of teenagers celebrating this. I decided to go and afterwards dd and I spent a long time talking about how all of the ways that this young couple is going to have to sacrifice. I was happy to see that the mother to be seemed more thrilled with the practical presents like diapers and wipes than the cute little outfits.

I'm happy to say that this young family is doing great. The Mom was an AP student and really only needed one class to graduate this year. She's done great...with lots of help..and is going to college in the fall on scholarship. The father is a freshman in college and has managed to work evenings in retail. They've managed to stay positive and drama free, even after learning that their young son is hearing impaired.

 

[tlbwriter]

Just wanted to add that my DDs' baby books have a couple of baby shower pages. Spots for pics of the shower guests and cake, list of guests who attended, gifts given, games played, etc. I can just imagine a 6-year-old child asking why those pages in the baby book are blank. I guess mom would explain that because she became pregnant as a teen most people disapproved of her pregnancy and refused to celebrate baby's impending arrival.

Sorry, that's a silly reason to have a shower IMHO. Lots of mothers never have a shower, even if the baby was planned. And many mothers who had a shower for the first baby didn't have one for later babies. Are those children supposed to feel unloved?

Also, I notice some posters seem to assume no shower means no gifts. It doesn't. There's no reason you can't give someone a gift just because she doesn't have a shower.

 

[Shmily1]

From the parent of a recent-past pregnant teen, I must say that not all teens find it glamorous or wonderful to be a teen parents, but they do the responsible thing and actually take good care of their babies. They will need help, just like older moms will since not one of us can totally raise a baby alone. Just because they got pregnant young doesn't mean they are uneducated and can't support themselves. It also doesn't mean they deserve to be shunned or don't deserve a baby shower. They certainly understand they are paying the price for their actions.

Would I change it? For her to not have to go through all she has, I might, but if I had to give her little man up for that, then definitely not! He is loved as much if not more than many "planned" pregnancies. She did have a baby shower and her friends came. Some gave her diapers and some gave her clothes. Would he have done without? No, certainly not, but her friends were there to show her support--that they care--not that they wanted to be just like her. You can ask any of them if they want to follow her and they will tell you no.

Just for the record, she graduated HS 8 months pregnant--with honors and started college when he was 3 weeks old. The pictures of his first haircut at WDW are on my blog.

 

[Piecey]

My dad refused to buy a baby gift got my cousin's girlfriend's baby shower. He was 16. Said he wasn't rewarding the behavior.

Mom snuck and mailed a gift card because she thought he was wrong. I agree. Baby showers celebrate the baby and give things of comfort for the baby- the baby didnt make the poor decision!

 

[Hoodie]

Why should the baby pay for the mom's wrongs?

My SIL was in this situation. Not young, but unmarried and still in school when she got pregnant. We had a necessities shower. She got a lot of diapers, wipes, and clothes. Still, half the aunts did not attend because they didn't approve of her getting pregnant out of wedlock. The 85 year old great-aunties loved the shower but the acutal aunts refused to acknowledge the baby.

To this day, a couple still haven't acknowledged the child exists.

 

[Lucille1963]

Babies still in utero do not need parties with cake, balloons, and silly games like guess how big the mom's belly is with a length of ribbon. Babies still in utero do not benefit from that at all. That is for the mom's benefit.

Please tell me how being measured for the amusement of others is "for the mom's benefit". It definitely is just being done to make others laugh.

 

[NMAmy]

Sorry, that's a silly reason to have a shower IMHO..

It's a party. Who really needs a reason--silly or not? In my experience, the main reason to have a baby shower is because someone is pregnant. That's really the only reason one needs to have a baby shower.

Also, I notice some posters seem to assume no shower means no gifts. It doesn't. There's no reason you can't give someone a gift just because she doesn't have a shower.

Then what's the difference? Those who give a gift are still "rewarding the behavior." They just won't eat cake while they do it?

And this is not directed at you but for heaven's sake, this is basically a kid who has made a mistake that will have ramifications for her entire life. How it happened is none of my concern. It is my concern that I do my very best to help support this family in any way I can.

For every story of a teen mom who continues having kids and lives on public assistance, someone else has a story of someone who pulled themselves up and has thrived. My ex's mother was a mom at 16. She became a doctor. My niece had a baby at 17. She's just finished her MBA and landed a great job. Neither could have done that without the love and support of family and friends.

 

[tlbwriter]

Please tell me how being measured for the amusement of others is "for the mom's benefit". It definitely is just being done to make others laugh.

It's obvious that you are not a fan of baby showers (and I'll join you on that one) but most moms DO enjoy them. Ridiculous games and all. Measuring your belly isn't fun, but you're the center of attention and people are giving you gifts and feeding you cake. It ain't all bad.

 

[DisneyScraps]

Just wanted to add that my DDs' baby books have a couple of baby shower pages. Spots for pics of the shower guests and cake, list of guests who attended, gifts given, games played, etc. I can just imagine a 6-year-old child asking why those pages in the baby book are blank. I guess mom would explain that because she became pregnant as a teen most people disapproved of her pregnancy and refused to celebrate baby's impending arrival.

That argument isn't really going to make any difference. I was not even close to an unplanned pregnancy, I got pregnant at 34 after years of infertility. I did't have a shower. It was my choice. I had moved away from most people and I had so many over the top stuff celebrating my wedding that I felt my relatives would have been partied out.

So if I had a baby book those pages would have been filled with something else. I doubt my kid is going to care.

I also don't see how the baby is going to pay for the mother not having a party and getting the new top of the line stuff. If she can't afford all the items a baby needs she should be getting a job, hitting goodwill. The baby isn't going to care if it has a cute stroller or one that was used by someone else. A baby won't care how new their outfits are as long as they keep it warm. The baby won't care how many stuffed animals they have.

I would not allow such a party for my daughter.

A friend of mine a few years back had a daughter that he had trouble controlling. She got pregnant at 16. She got to stay home and be home schooled because she could not take her acne meds because she was pregnant and she was embarrassed by how she looked. NOT embarrassed by the fact that she was pregnant. I thought that he was rewarding her for getting pregnant. She got to sit home and "rest" while her siblings all went to school. They had a shower for her. I didn't go, I sent diapers because as we all know....you can never have enough of them and I thought that it would be helping my friend out because since this teen wasn't working her Dad was going to have to pay for all of the baby's needs.

 

[Lucille1963]

It's obvious that you are not a fan of baby showers (and I'll join you on that one) but most moms DO enjoy them. Ridiculous games and all. Measuring your belly isn't fun, but you're the center of attention and people are giving you gifts and feeding you cake. It ain't all bad.

Actually, I really do love baby and wedding showers! I'm usually one of the most honestly excited guests there, and I'm very competitive when it comes to games. I was blessed with two showers and loved them both (though I did ban the measuring the belly and guess the baby food flavor game).

I am arguing the point that baby showers are such glamorous, amazing and wonderful experiences that it will cause other women to get pregnant.

 

[Scurvy]

Also, I notice some posters seem to assume no shower means no gifts. It doesn't. There's no reason you can't give someone a gift just because she doesn't have a shower.

I'm noticing that as well. Over the years I've given way more gifts to people who didn't have showers than to ones who did, but maybe I'm doing it wrong. Maybe some people think you're only supposed to give presents when you are getting and party games in return?

 

[luvmy3]

It's obvious that you are not a fan of baby showers (and I'll join you on that one) but most moms DO enjoy them. Ridiculous games and all. Measuring your belly isn't fun, but you're the center of attention and people are giving you gifts and feeding you cake. It ain't all bad.

Yes, and it would be so very wrong for a teen mom to enjoy herself since she went and got herself knocked up. How dare she, and how dare people even consider doing something for her that she might enjoy
What's the timeframe, will she be able to enjoy herself after the baby is born, a year, or when her child is 18 and moved out? Or wil she always be "punished" because she made a mistake?

 

[tlbwriter]

It's a party. Who really needs a reason--silly or not? In my experience, the main reason to have a baby shower is because someone is pregnant. That's really the only reason one needs to have a baby shower.

Fine. I wasn't disagreeing with YOU, I was disagreeing with the poster who said the child would feel unwanted because her pregnant mother didn't get a shower.

Then what's the difference? Those who give a gift are still "rewarding the behavior." They just won't eat cake while they do it?

And this is not directed at you but for heaven's sake, this is basically a kid who has made a mistake that will have ramifications for her entire life. How it happened is none of my concern. It is my concern that I do my very best to help support this family in any way I can.

Like I said earlier, "support" doesn't mean "shower." Why would people feel they couldn't give gifts and other support unless they were specifically invited to a shower? Shouldn't the people who care for this girl step up with support even if there's no cake involved?

Actually, I really do love baby and wedding showers! I'm usually one of the most honestly excited guests there, and I'm very competitive when it comes to games. I was blessed with two showers and loved them both (though I did ban the measuring the belly and guess the baby food flavor game).

Okay, sorry, I thought post #36 sounded kind of anti shower.

I am arguing the point that baby showers are such glamorous, amazing and wonderful experiences that it will cause other women to get pregnant.

It's not just the shower, it's the whole thing. Also, I'm talking about girls, not women. I know many posters are poo-pooing this idea, but others who have experience with teens say it's a legitimate issue. I do not think unplanned pregnancy is something to be ashamed of or something to hide. It is what it is.

But I know that a teenage girl, especially one who has issues of her own (doesn't feel loved, wants attention, wants excitement, wants to tie a boy to her, wants to feel like an adult, etc.) is going to look at a peer who has a baby, and gets showered with gifts and attention, and possibly decide this doesn't look so bad. She doesn't see the loss of free time, the episiotomy, the crying in the middle of the night, the expense, the fragility of her relationship with the father, the fact that all of her friends and family won't jump to babysit, the loss of opportunities, the challenge of the future. She sees love and attention and gifts to pave the way. I realize this was not your personal experience, but your personal experience is not universal. I've heard horror stories from teachers who work with teens, and the experience I'm describing is not as rare as you think.

Yes, and it would be so very wrong for a teen mom to enjoy herself since she went and got herself knocked up. How dare she, and how dare people even consider doing something for her that she might enjoy
What's the timeframe, will she be able to enjoy herself after the baby is born, a year, or when her child is 18 and moved out? Or wil she always be "punished" because she made a mistake?

If you'd actually read my posts, you would see I specifically said neither she nor her baby should be punished. But if you prefer to push your own agenda rather than replying to what I actually said, there's probably no point in attempting to have a rational discussion, so carry on.