Baby Showers for Unplanned Pregnancies (Young Mothers)

[Kennywife]

You know, I had just the opposite experience. There wasn't a single pregnant girl in my high school, and I graduated in 1982. Many of us were actually virgins when we graduated and the rest apparently knew about condoms, etc. I'm kinda shocked that teen pregnancy seems to be so common nowdays.

Back to the topic. I think a shower for a highschooler is the wrong step in the wrong directions. Baby gifts or (just as useful) hand-me-downs of needed items. Showers DO glorify pregnancy and childbirth. THis is the wrong message for teens.

Yup! Yup! If anything, a college degree and waiting for the right person should be celebrated.

 

[luvmy3]

Yup! Yup! If anything, a college degree and waiting for the right person should be celebrated.

You know, you can get those things even after you have a baby

 

[pigletgirl]

I know that if I would have conceived in high school, there wouldn't have been a shower. I don't think its wrong to have one, but it should not encourage other girls to get pregnant. It should be more of a reality check. Babies are expensive, time consuming and forever!!

 

[SaraJayne]

Yup! Yup! If anything, a college degree and waiting for the right person should be celebrated.

So if you forgo college in favor of a job, get married after "waiting for the right person", and then get pregnant, you don't deserve any congratulations or celebration?

WTH kind of logic is that?

Even when I was dealing with secondary infertility, I was so happy and excited for friends that were expecting babies. I never begrudged them the happiness and support they deserved.

ETA: I finished my college degree AFTER I was married, had a child and was pregnant with our second child. Guess by your reasoning I didn't deserve congratuations.

 

[NMAmy]

Yup! Yup! If anything, a college degree and waiting for the right person should be celebrated.

Wouldn't that be a graduation party and a wedding reception? A young pregnant woman having a shower doesn't take anything away from your celebration.

 

[DisneyMomx7]

I guess it's because of how I was raised. I was raised by a self-professed tiger mother. I had to meet or exceed her expectations of me growing up. I wasn't even allowed to date till I was in college. My parents even put me in homeschool to keep me away from boys so I could focus on my future. My first relationship with a man was when I was 21.

Even in my twenties, I steered away from physical relationships, even with my fiance. We had a wonderful relationship....just no sex. My family would have disowned me if I had gotten pregnant before marriage. Not saying that's right, but that's how I was raised.

So we should congratulate you because you were raised in a cocoon? Don't pat yourself so much on the back when you admit you were homeschooled to keep you away from boys.

How sad that your family would disown you.

I'm so not in favor of glorifying teen age pregnancy, but when I see people coming off as smug and wanting to vilify these girls, I have actually change my mind. Before I was in the category of send a gift, but not attend. After reading your posts I changed my mind and would let my daughter's attend a baby shower for a teen aged mom.

I think education is very important too. My one ds is graduating from law school tomorrow. If, God forbid, one of my dd's got pregnant does that mean I would love her less than my son? Absolutely no.

Hate to tell you but people do make mistakes. Not everyone is perfect or as controlled as it appears you were.

 

[Kennywife]

So if you forgo college in favor of a job, get married after "waiting for the right person", and then get pregnant, you don't deserve any congratulations or celebration?

WTH kind of logic is that?

Even when I was dealing with secondary infertility, I was so happy and excited for friends that were expecting babies. I never begrudged them the happiness and support they deserved.

ETA: I finished my college degree AFTER I was married, had a child and was pregnant with our second child. Guess by your reasoning I didn't deserve congratuations.

Good for you that you were able to make your dreams come true. So many girls I've met weren't so lucky. And you're a better person than me I guess. I'm human and hurt and upset that I am facing surgery to make my baby dreams come true.

 

[SaraJayne]

Good for you that you were able to make your dreams come true. So many girls I've met weren't so lucky. And you're a better person than me I guess. I'm human and hurt and upset that I am facing surgery to make my baby dreams come true.

Yes, I did make my dreams come true, even after having an unplanned pregnancy as a young woman.

Girls that have babies young aren't ruined for life, like some are implying in this thread.

And like a PP just said, I wouldn't be so smug about the way you were brought up. Living in a bubble or having a family that would disown you if you aren't "perfect" isn't anything to be proud of.

 

[rjb123]

you know, I guess my feeling is that I would not only go to the shower but I would make it very clear to her with words and actions that I wanted to help in any way that I could. so that she could finish school, go to college and have a career and a good life for that child.
I was not a teen mom (far from it ha ha!!) but I applaud the girls who keep their babies instead of aborting them. I feel it is our job in society to support, encourage and assist them in reaching their dreams and raising that child with love and support. I am lucky to be in a position where I have a good job, as does my DH with a nice house and everything I NEED and a lot of what I want. Going to a shower and pledging my support and assistance to someone who is in the middle of the most life changing thing that can happen to a women, not to mention a TEENAGER, well, how could I not do that?

 

[Kennywife]

Well, I don't consider myself living in a 'bubble.'. I travel the world for a living now. Yes, my family HATED the fact that I was going solo to other places. They were terrified that something would happen to me, but they've accepted it now. They are very proud of me and what I have done with my life. My mom is my biggest cheerleader and ironically one of my best friends now.

I do in fact owe my success and drive to my family and I love them dearly.

Anyway, I'm out. Some people have their opinions and that's fine. To each his own.

 

[tlbwriter]

Of course she doesn't need a party, does anyone really? However that doesn't mean she shouldn't have one, or that because she is an unwed teen mother that she is less deserving of having one than any other pregant woman, all because it may send the wrong message to other teens. IMO, that is weak, and its really an excuse used so you don't have to admit that the real reason you don't think she should have one is because you disapprove of her being pregnant in the first place. (I'm speaking generally of people who have that attitude because I don't believe your weak argument is a rational one). You, personally, may be an exception

Um, okay, may I direct your attention to post #12, where I said I wouldn't have a problem with her having a shower?

Reading before attacking someone. It's a good thing.

 

[badblackpug]

1st let me qualify that I am talking about adolescents. Not 20 something unmarried women.

Some people take the stance that not having a baby shower is "punishing" the mother. If that is true, then the opposite is true, that having a shower is rewarding them. I have 4 kids. I have never had a shower. Not one. All of my kids are adopted (2 from birth), does that mean I have been punished for not being able to have biological children?

In all truthfulness, a newborn has very few necessities. Food, shelter, clothing, diapers, a crib, a car seat, and medical care. Other than the car seat and diapers, none of these things need to be new or expensive. (well the diapers don't need to be expensive, just new) All the rest of the "things" you get are conveniences or luxuries. ...and again, most of the "things" you get at a baby shower get you through only, if you are lucky, the 1st year.

Unfortunately, teen pregnancy does come in clusters. We have all seen it in the news. Remember teens live in the moment (which is part of the reason they get pregnant anyway) What some see is all the attention the teen mom gets. The ohhs and ahhs over the cute clothes, the belly rubbing, etc. The sweet little baby you can dress up, and do it's hair and show off. They don't see the reality. The lack of sleep. The colic. The crying, the temper tantrums. The lack of social life. The fact that the novelty will wear off, and your childless friends will abandon you to go out on the weekend, rather than stay home with the baby. Other teens may see all this attention and see it as a way to get it, too.

While all teen mothers are not doomed to a life of failure, the truth of the matter is that most do not go on to college. Most are left with a high school education, at best, and lower income employment. It is wonderful that the teen moms on here could do that, but it is not indicative of the general population.

People are right that a teen mom will need more support than an older mom, but the kind of support they need is not the kind they will get at a party. They need to be educated, they need an example, they don't need cake or balloons. The shower is for the mother, not for the baby. Instead of celebrating a teen pregnancy maybe it would be better to take the money that would be spent on a shower and spend it on parenting classes or start a college fund for the baby.

 

[rie'smom]

1st let me qualify that I am talking about adolescents. Not 20 something unmarried women.

Some people take the stance that not having a baby shower is "punishing" the mother. If that is true, then the opposite is true, that having a shower is rewarding them. I have 4 kids. I have never had a shower. Not one. All of my kids are adopted (2 from birth), does that mean I have been punished for not being able to have biological children?

In all truthfulness, a newborn has very few necessities. Food, shelter, clothing, diapers, a crib, a car seat, and medical care. Other than the car seat and diapers, none of these things need to be new or expensive. (well the diapers don't need to be expensive, just new) All the rest of the "things" you get are conveniences or luxuries. ...and again, most of the "things" you get at a baby shower get you through only, if you are lucky, the 1st year.

Unfortunately, teen pregnancy does come in clusters. We have all seen it in the news. Remember teens live in the moment (which is part of the reason they get pregnant anyway) What some see is all the attention the teen mom gets. The ohhs and ahhs over the cute clothes, the belly rubbing, etc. The sweet little baby you can dress up, and do it's hair and show off. They don't see the reality. The lack of sleep. The colic. The crying, the temper tantrums. The lack of social life. The fact that the novelty will wear off, and your childless friends will abandon you to go out on the weekend, rather than stay home with the baby. Other teens may see all this attention and see it as a way to get it, too.

While all teen mothers are not doomed to a life of failure, the truth of the matter is that most do not go on to college. Most are left with a high school education, at best, and lower income employment. It is wonderful that the teen moms on here could do that, but it is not indicative of the general population.

People are right that a teen mom will need more support than an older mom, but the kind of support they need is not the kind they will get at a party. They need to be educated, they need an example, they don't need cake or balloons. The shower is for the mother, not for the baby. Instead of celebrating a teen pregnancy maybe it would be better to take the money that would be spent on a shower and spend it on parenting classes or start a college fund for the baby.

Wow, it is a shame that no one gave you a shower. When we adopted our daughter, one of my friends gave she and I me a tea/shower. It was great. All of the neighborhood women, my family, and other friends were invited. Other women that I know who adopted also had showers thrown for them.

As I posted earlier, I was pregnant for my first child at 17. My family and the father's family made sure he would have an education as did my husband and I later. Not every girl who gets pregnant comes from a destitute family and not every girl who gets pregnant is ignorant. While pregnant, I read every book that I could find on raising kids. There are some parents who are of an acceptable age who cannot parent and need classes.

I chose not to want a baby shower. IMO, it's an individual decision best made by the girl and her family.

 

[handinpocket]

So we should congratulate you because you were raised in a cocoon? Don't pat yourself so much on the back when you admit you were homeschooled to keep you away from boys.

How sad that your family would disown you.

I'm so not in favor of glorifying teen age pregnancy, but when I see people coming off as smug and wanting to vilify these girls, I have actually change my mind. Before I was in the category of send a gift, but not attend. After reading your posts I changed my mind and would let my daughter's attend a baby shower for a teen aged mom.

I think education is very important too. My one ds is graduating from law school tomorrow. If, God forbid, one of my dd's got pregnant does that mean I would love her less than my son? Absolutely no.

Hate to tell you but people do make mistakes. Not everyone is perfect or as controlled as it appears you were.

Bravo! I too would let my DD go to a baby shower after reading that venomous post.

Good for you that you were able to make your dreams come true. So many girls I've met weren't so lucky. And you're a better person than me I guess. I'm human and hurt and upset that I am facing surgery to make my baby dreams come true.

You can't blame your infertility on a teen mother. You are projecting your pain and hurt in the wrong place.

 

[Kennywife]

Look, I apologize if I came off venomous. I am upset today. Not only am I facing this surgery, (removal of a swelled fallopian tube), but my father is having to go into rehab today for alcoholism. And I can't even see him for a while because my mother is handling it. (I have Epilepsy and my parents have always tried to shield me from everything) So maybe I vented because I am upset. I apologize.

I still feel angry about my infertility. Sorry, but that's how I feel. It's like I keep waiting on a ride I may never get to ride.

 

[handinpocket]

Look, I apologize if I came off venomous. I am upset today. Not only am I facing this surgery, (removal of a swelled fallopian tube), but my father is having to go into rehab today for alcoholism. And I can't even see him for a while because my mother is handling it. (I have Epilepsy and my parents have always tried to shield me from everything) So maybe I vented because I am upset. I apologize.

I still feel angry about my infertility. Sorry, but that's how I feel. It's like I keep waiting on a ride I may never get to ride.

I'm sorry my post was harsh. I sincerely hope your surgery goes well and you have a baby in your arms soon.

 

[my3sonsagn]

My oldest DS was born 3 days before my 19th birthday and three months after I graduated HS. Believe me, NO ONE glorified my young pregnancy (wasn't unwed by the birth, though; DH and I married when I was 5 months along). Many times, especially at school and in the ob's office, the disapproval was so thick I could feel it. My family was supportive but they were also very clear that they weren't thrilled by the circumstances. My friends were as supportive as they could be, but it was so far outside their frame of reference that they didn't know how to treat me and it led to distancing. It was hard for me a lot of the time to be at all excited about the baby - the aforementioned trips to the ob's office often left me feeling little but dread (if people viewed a pregnant teen with either staring or obvious visual avoidance, how would they react when they saw me with a baby? Or a toddler?). One of my aunts offered to give me a shower; I almost refused because I figured it would just be another chance for people to sigh and shake their heads over my "predicament," but I agreed. It amazed me, but it seemed like simply being at a baby shower induced people to (briefly, at least) overlook my age and circumstance to concentrate on the baby-to-be - which allowed ME to do the same.

Being pregnant at 18 is no picnic, and pregnant teens get plenty of disapproval from many people around them. I don't see how letting them have one day to focus on the good things about the new life coming into theirs is going to hurt anything or make other teens want to run out and try it for themselves.

Just my .02...

 

[dhcoffey]

My oldest daughter, 18, has had quite a few teen moms at her school. I've not allowed her to go to any of the showers because I felt it was inappropriate. I'm not saying no one should give her one but we won't go and support it. Now that she's 18, she can make her own decision about that. We've not abandoned these girls either,though. We've sent them gift cards or diapers, whichever they wanted or needed most. I just don't agree with the shower aspect of it.

I also wouldn't have let my daughter have a shower if she had become pregnant in high school. I would have provided whatever she needed for the baby and I wouldn't have disowned her or anything. Again, just don't agree with the shower aspect of it.

Heather

 

[luvmy3]

Um, okay, may I direct your attention to post #12, where I said I wouldn't have a problem with her having a shower?

Reading before attacking someone. It's a good thing.

Maybe you should take your own advice, I told you I have read your posts, and I also said that I was speaking generally, not to you personally, and that you may be an exception.
Honestly, if you aren't going to bother to read, or if you just don't understand what you are reading, don't quote me again please, I have better things to do than have to explain things to you

Oh and FYI I answered your question, just because you don't like the answer doesn't make it an "attack"

 

[bluesaturn]

I have to agree with Schmeck. I got married at 29. I went to the college of my dreams and started my career before I got married.

When I married my husband at 29.....I could get away with wearing white. Seriously. My future was more important to me than sex. We are exceedingly happy together 5 years later and are hoping to have a child of our own one day. My marriage was worth every moment I waited.

I think a lot of girls let their hormones get away with them and don't think about the future.

I'm not an old fuddy duddy either...34. I just happen to believe that a girl should focus on getting her future together before she has a child.

The bolded is just ridiculous. People don't have to abstain from sex to be successful.