Baby Showers for Unplanned Pregnancies (Young Mothers)

[rie'smom]

At 17, I was pregnant. I decided that I did not want a shower. This was in the 70s and while not rare, it was still considered an embarrassment and morally wrong. My daughter's godmother got pregnant and wasn't married. I had a shower for her. IMO, it's up to the girl and possibly her mother.

 

[luvmy3]

Fine. I wasn't disagreeing with YOU, I was disagreeing with the poster who said the child would feel unwanted because her pregnant mother didn't get a shower.



Like I said earlier, "support" doesn't mean "shower." Why would people feel they couldn't give gifts and other support unless they were specifically invited to a shower? Shouldn't the people who care for this girl step up with support even if there's no cake involved?



Okay, sorry, I thought post #36 sounded kind of anti shower.



It's not just the shower, it's the whole thing. Also, I'm talking about girls, not women. I know many posters are poo-pooing this idea, but others who have experience with teens say it's a legitimate issue. I do not think unplanned pregnancy is something to be ashamed of or something to hide. It is what it is.

But I know that a teenage girl, especially one who has issues of her own (doesn't feel loved, wants attention, wants excitement, wants to tie a boy to her, wants to feel like an adult, etc.) is going to look at a peer who has a baby, and gets showered with gifts and attention, and possibly decide this doesn't look so bad. She doesn't see the loss of free time, the episiotomy, the crying in the middle of the night, the expense, the fragility of her relationship with the father, the fact that all of her friends and family won't jump to babysit, the loss of opportunities, the challenge of the future. She sees love and attention and gifts to pave the way. I realize this was not your personal experience, but your personal experience is not universal. I've heard horror stories from teachers who work with teens, and the experience I'm describing is not as rare as you think.



If you'd actually read my posts, you would see I specifically said neither she nor her baby should be punished. But if you prefer to push your own agenda rather than replying to what I actually said, there's probably no point in attempting to have a rational discussion, so carry on.

No agenda, I read your posts and I understand what you feel. However the fact that you don't believe a teen mom should be the center of attention, enjoy some cake, "feel the love" because it may influence some other girl its a good thing to go and get yourself pregnant, would be punishing that teen mom. It doesn't matter that you said you wouldn't want her to be punished, by not allowing her to have some enjoyment (for somebody elses sake no less) IS punishing her So, I'll ask again, when would it be alright for her to enjoy herself in front of her impressionable friends?

 

[tlbwriter]

No agenda, I read your posts and I understand what you feel. However the fact that you don't believe a teen mom should be the center of attention, enjoy some cake, "feel the love" because it may influence some other girl its a good thing to go and get yourself pregnant, would be punishing that teen mom. It doesn't matter that you said you wouldn't want her to be punished, by not allowing her to have some enjoyment (for somebody elses sake no less) IS punishing her So, I'll ask again, when would it be alright for her to enjoy herself in front of her impressionable friends?

So you think the only way a person can possibly enjoy herself or feel loved is to be the center of attention at a party? And all the non-teen moms who don't get showers, for whatever reason, are also being punished? I'm not saying she should be sent to a convent or forced to wear a scarlet letter. I guess the issue is, I don't think "We love you, we're here for you, here's a stroller" is a punishment simply because there is no big public display with cake and ribbons and silly games. But if you're one of those people who wants the big public display, maybe you consider it punishment to miss it.

 

[luvmy3]

So you think the only way a person can possibly enjoy herself or feel loved is to be the center of attention at a party? And all the non-teen moms who don't get showers, for whatever reason, are also being punished? I'm not saying she should be sent to a convent or forced to wear a scarlet letter. I guess the issue is, I don't think "We love you, we're here for you, here's a stroller" is a punishment simply because there is no big public display with cake and ribbons and silly games. But if you're one of those people who wants the big public display, maybe you consider it punishment to miss it.

Is this what you call a rational discussion ? All I did was ask a question, and you are putting words in my mouth, assuming things were meant even though they were never implied :confused
My question wasn't about whether or not you thought of it as punishment or not, its clear you don't and you and I disagree on that point. However if you feel that giving a teen mom to too much attention is glorifying her pregnancy and sending the wrong message to her impressionable peers, its reasonable to wonder at what point the teen mom is "allowed" to have that attention and enjoy herself without that judgement, is it not?
Thats alright though, you don't have to answer, I'll just assume its because you can't come up with a rational one.

 

[Lucille1963]

But I know that a teenage girl, especially one who has issues of her own (doesn't feel loved, wants attention, wants excitement, wants to tie a boy to her, wants to feel like an adult, etc.) is going to look at a peer who has a baby, and gets showered with gifts and attention, and possibly decide this doesn't look so bad.

I absolutely agree with that the issues above lead very strongly to a girl getting pregnant, I just don't believe that attending someones shower comes even close to those reasons.

 

[tlbwriter]

Is this what you call a rational discussion ? All I did was ask a question, and you are putting words in my mouth, assuming things were meant even though they were never implied :confused
My question wasn't about whether or not you thought of it as punishment or not, its clear you don't and you and I disagree on that point. However if you feel that giving a teen mom to too much attention is glorifying her pregnancy and sending the wrong message to her impressionable peers, its reasonable to wonder at what point the teen mom is "allowed" to have that attention and enjoy herself without that judgement, is it not?
Thats alright though, you don't have to answer, I'll just assume its because you can't come up with a rational one.

Or it could be because it's an irrelevant question. Or it could be that I don't have any problem with her enjoying herself, I'm simply not accepting your assertion that she must have a party to do so, and I notice you're declining to respond to that. So one may assume you can't come up with a rational response. Let's just agree to disagree.

 

[Schmeck]

Yes, and it would be so very wrong for a teen mom to enjoy herself since she went and got herself knocked up. How dare she, and how dare people even consider doing something for her that she might enjoy
What's the timeframe, will she be able to enjoy herself after the baby is born, a year, or when her child is 18 and moved out? Or wil she always be "punished" because she made a mistake?

She should be able to enjoy herself when she is supporting that child 100% by herself, not asking for government handouts because she chose to get pregnant but can't support herself, and can make all the right choices to give that child the best possible chances to be successful.

I know there are some teenage girls that can do that, but I know of many, many more that are train wrecks to start out with, and have added an innocent baby's future to that wreck. I'm all for giving that child everything needed to prevent the cycle from reoccurring, but a baby shower is not on that list.

 

[Disney Doll]

My friend's grandmother...who would probably be in her late 90's or maybe even 100's if she were still alive, used to say "The 1st baby comes whenever it wants. The 2nd baby takes 9 months".

Teen mothers are not a new phenomena. It's just not as stigmatized.

 

[beaucoup]

I don't have a problem with the baby shower since there are things she will need to take care of the baby. I would hope the gifts would be more practical & less lavish ,and really focus on what she needs so she has everything needed. I have a huge problem with the celebrity status shows like Sixteen & Pregnant have given those girls.

I'm wondering, since its been maybe 2 decades since I've attended a baby shower, have they become huge parties now like Sweet 16 parties, graduation parties for every year, and parties for every other reason? Where I came from, bridal & baby showers were usually pretty small & practical compared to lavish. Maybe at a rented VFW hall, maybe someones home...and we all had small homes. Low key really. A little lunch. Gifts.

 

[Art 1]

A couple weekends ago a girl one of my younger brothers goes to school with had her baby shower (I believe she is 18, and graduating HS this year). He told me there were some parents of his friends that were disgusted with the idea of rewarding this girl for her behaviour, and thought it was completely wrong for her to have a baby shower. What do you guys think about this?

IMO, the young mothers with unplanned pregnancies need the help aspect of a shower far more than the majority of older mothers, and if family is okay with it I don't see anything wrong with "celebrating a mistake" as it was so lovingly put.

It was in poor taste to have a shower in this case.

 

[crashbb]

She should be able to enjoy herself when she is supporting that child 100% by herself, not asking for government handouts because she chose to get pregnant but can't support herself, and can make all the right choices to give that child the best possible chances to be successful.

I know there are some teenage girls that can do that, but I know of many, many more that are train wrecks to start out with, and have added an innocent baby's future to that wreck. I'm all for giving that child everything needed to prevent the cycle from reoccurring, but a baby shower is not on that list.

I'm assuming (using your logic), that you feel that anyone receiving ANY help (i.e. not supporting that child 100%) shouldn't enjoy themselves or have a baby shower? Or does that rule only apply to teens?

 

[luvmy3]

Or it could be because it's an irrelevant question. Or it could be that I don't have any problem with her enjoying herself, I'm simply not accepting your assertion that she must have a party to do so, and I notice you're declining to respond to that. So one may assume you can't come up with a rational response. Let's just agree to disagree.

Of course she doesn't need a party, does anyone really? However that doesn't mean she shouldn't have one, or that because she is an unwed teen mother that she is less deserving of having one than any other pregant woman, all because it may send the wrong message to other teens. IMO, that is weak, and its really an excuse used so you don't have to admit that the real reason you don't think she should have one is because you disapprove of her being pregnant in the first place. (I'm speaking generally of people who have that attitude because I don't believe your weak argument is a rational one). You, personally, may be an exception

 

[Kennywife]

*Dons the flame suit*

Well, as a woman who is 34 and is having to have surgery to reverse infertility for the mere chance of getting pregnant, I wouldn't go. It would make me too angry. There, I said it.

I was actually invited to a teen's shower last year and didn't go for this reason. I did send her a gift card though. I won't go to ANY baby shower, no matter the age. Selfish? Yeah. I get angry about having to jump hoops to get pregnant when it should be easy.

 

[luvmy3]

She should be able to enjoy herself when she is supporting that child 100% by herself, not asking for government handouts because she chose to get pregnant but can't support herself, and can make all the right choices to give that child the best possible chances to be successful.

I know there are some teenage girls that can do that, but I know of many, many more that are train wrecks to start out with, and have added an innocent baby's future to that wreck. I'm all for giving that child everything needed to prevent the cycle from reoccurring, but a baby shower is not on that list.

Right, because not allowing her to have a baby shower will break the cycle. I can't believe nobody thought of that before, I think you may have just solved the teen pregnancy epidemic.

 

[Kennywife]

I have to agree with Schmeck. I got married at 29. I went to the college of my dreams and started my career before I got married.

When I married my husband at 29.....I could get away with wearing white. Seriously. My future was more important to me than sex. We are exceedingly happy together 5 years later and are hoping to have a child of our own one day. My marriage was worth every moment I waited.

I think a lot of girls let their hormones get away with them and don't think about the future.

I'm not an old fuddy duddy either...34. I just happen to believe that a girl should focus on getting her future together before she has a child.

 

[luvmy3]

I have to agree with Schmeck. I got married at 29. I went to the college of my dreams and started my career before I got married.

When I married my husband at 29.....I could get away with wearing white. Seriously. My future was more important to me than sex. We are exceedingly happy together 5 years later and are hoping to have a child of our own one day. My marriage was worth every moment I waited.

I think a lot of girls let their hormones get away with them and don't think about the future.

I'm not an old fuddy duddy either...34. I just happen to believe that a girl should focus on getting her future together before she has a child.

Um, so does everyone else

 

[SaraJayne]

She should be able to enjoy herself when she is supporting that child 100% by herself, not asking for government handouts because she chose to get pregnant but can't support herself, and can make all the right choices to give that child the best possible chances to be successful.

I know there are some teenage girls that can do that, but I know of many, many more that are train wrecks to start out with, and have added an innocent baby's future to that wreck. I'm all for giving that child everything needed to prevent the cycle from reoccurring, but a baby shower is not on that list.

"She" didn't get pregnant by herself.

 

[Kennywife]

I guess it's because of how I was raised. I was raised by a self-professed tiger mother. I had to meet or exceed her expectations of me growing up. I wasn't even allowed to date till I was in college. My parents even put me in homeschool to keep me away from boys so I could focus on my future. My first relationship with a man was when I was 21.

Even in my twenties, I steered away from physical relationships, even with my fiance. We had a wonderful relationship....just no sex. My family would have disowned me if I had gotten pregnant before marriage. Not saying that's right, but that's how I was raised.

 

[Shmily1]

She should be able to enjoy herself when she is supporting that child 100% by herself, not asking for government handouts because she chose to get pregnant but can't support herself, and can make all the right choices to give that child the best possible chances to be successful.

I know there are some teenage girls that can do that, but I know of many, many more that are train wrecks to start out with, and have added an innocent baby's future to that wreck. I'm all for giving that child everything needed to prevent the cycle from reoccurring, but a baby shower is not on that list.

DD comes way closer to taking care of herself and her child than many "adults" that I know. She doesn't have government handouts--like many "adults". She's not on welfare, foodstamps, and tax dollars don't pay for his insurance. Did she deserve a shower less than a person that doesn't work and lives on government assistance in government housing just because she was still in HS?

DGS will be successful. He is one and can count and knows his colors, although it seems his favorite number is 9 and he sometimes inserts it at odd times. He has a large vocabulary and is very caring.

Also, my brother died in a train wreck, but my DD is not one. I do believe that watching her friends do things that she can't do is punishment enough. If there was ever a time when she needed others, it was then, and that is exactly what she got, not alot of putting her down and shunning her like she had the plague.

 

[Took]

I keep popping in with other random information, but this is the last time, I promise.

While this isn't totally on topic with the baby shower question, it is related to teen pregnancy and I felt I just had to get it out.

When I was in high school, I knew A LOT of girls who got pregnant or were teen moms. But for some reason in my mind, I didn't think teen pregnancy was a problem beyond high school graduation. It just never occurred to me to think that teens (legally adults but still very young) still got accidentally pregnant in college. Silly, I know.

The truth is, I know more girls who got accidentally pregnant in their freshman year of college than I ever knew in high school.

You know, I had just the opposite experience. There wasn't a single pregnant girl in my high school, and I graduated in 1982. Many of us were actually virgins when we graduated and the rest apparently knew about condoms, etc. I'm kinda shocked that teen pregnancy seems to be so common nowdays.

Back to the topic. I think a shower for a highschooler is the wrong step in the wrong directions. Baby gifts or (just as useful) hand-me-downs of needed items. Showers DO glorify pregnancy and childbirth. THis is the wrong message for teens.