Am I being rude?

[LSUmiss]

Absolutely! The original plan was that she would get an apartment with a friend. This group of friends told her that since she didn’t have two nickels to rub together, she should wait until she had savings again. The original plan was for her to live here, but her friends/boyfriend were annoyed she couldn’t hang out or go out during the week because she was too far away. I don’t know what you mean by retirement, I’m sure she is not aggressively funding it, but I’m assuming her company has a 401k so she would be having some money deducted from her check (her dad is a CFP, so this has been drilled into the kids’ head as a necessity, like always having health insurance). The 6 month plan was to build up her savings. She lived in the same area with these friends for over 4 years, they get together socially a lot.

I guess they have a different definition of not having “2 nickels to rub together”. Sounds like she has 200,000.

 

[Pink Partridge]

The aggressive savings is to replace her next egg she used up by studying full time for her CPA exams (passed all 4 in 10 months). She wants to be able to get out of considerable debt, she’d like to start paying more than $1000 a month. While she was in college, we were paying the interest, but now it’s on her, the faster she pays it off, the less she pays. This truly was her friends’ idea, and it’s temporary. It’s certainly not easy for her. When she started her job in August, she already owed us $1000. It’s still better than living with my dad though, I don’t know how she did it. That ended when she found him lying on the dining room floor after a massive heart attack.

Your daughter took care of your father during what seems to be a health crisis.

And you still made her pay you a $1000? Any way you could have cleared that debt? Just seems excessive to tell an already financially struggling daughter she owes you $1000. Especially when she is taking care of your dad.

 

[Searc]

But you do off-beat things when you're in your early 20s.

I was married and had a child in my early 20's, so no, not everyone is irresponsible in their early 20's.

 

[kiddo76]

Absolutely! The original plan was that she would get an apartment with a friend. This group of friends told her that since she didn’t have two nickels to rub together, she should wait until she had savings again. The original plan was for her to live here, but her friends/boyfriend were annoyed she couldn’t hang out or go out during the week because she was too far away. I don’t know what you mean by retirement, I’m sure she is not aggressively funding it, but I’m assuming her company has a 401k so she would be having some money deducted from her check (her dad is a CFP, so this has been drilled into the kids’ head as a necessity, like always having health insurance). The 6 month plan was to build up her savings. She lived in the same area with these friends for over 4 years, they get together socially a lot.

Wow, she's got a pretty charmed life. Good job, partying it up with her boyfriend and friends, and no living expenses.

 

[DisneyKoyote]

I was married and had a child in my early 20's, so no, not everyone is irresponsible in their early 20's.

I don't think PP meant irresponsible, just that you made different choices that 'older' you wouldn't make now. A couple of years ago in my early 20's, I went out a lot, was drunk/hungover often on the weekends, bought expensive stuff that I rarely used. I don't regret any of that bc it was honestly a fun lifestyle (and within my financial means), but nowadays I would definitely rethink twice before doing any of that.

 

[mjkacmom]

Your daughter took care of your father during what seems to be a health crisis.

And you still made her pay you a $1000? Any way you could have cleared that debt? Just seems excessive to tell an already financially struggling daughter she owes you $1000. Especially when she is taking care of your dad.

She got paid to take care of my dad, that’s how she was able to stay with him and study full time. However, after he passed away, she moved back home immediately, didn’t want to be alone in that big house. She studied pretty much all day from January until she passed her last exam this summer, with her only income being babysitting. The job made her a formal offer which she accepted in May of 2018, but they agreed it would be beneficial if she already passed her CPA exams, so her start was postponed. She knows we are always here to support her financially if she is in a bind, but she really wants not to have to ask. She can’t wait to have an apartment again, and to never have to worry about being broke. She learned the hard way how fast money can be drained by bad circumstances.

 

[skyblue17]

I was married and had a child in my early 20's, so no, not everyone is irresponsible in their early 20's.

I don't see how saving money in your 20s is irresponsible? I'm referring to be open to living situations that you might not consider later, when you're further removed from college and living where your social life is.

Everyone has different experiences, and different starting off points. I wouldn't do this exact scenario myself, I just don't really get the hand-wringing over it when obviously all people involved are fine with it, it's temporary and it's setting up for better financial independence later. Wide-eying the salary is fair, but when there's a lot of student loans to pay off, trying to get those out of the way quickly is not irresponsible, quite the opposite. My only hope is that every now and then, she takes her friends out to dinner, ha.

 

[kiddo76]

I don't see how saving money in your 20s is irresponsible? I'm referring to be open to living situations that you might not consider later, when you're further removed from college and living where your social life is.

Everyone has different experiences, and different starting off points. I wouldn't do this exact scenario myself, I just don't really get the hand-wringing over it when obviously all people involved are fine with it, it's temporary and it's setting up for better financial independence later. Wide-eying the salary is fair, but when there's a lot of student loans to pay off, trying to get those out of the way quickly is not irresponsible, quite the opposite. My only hope is that every now and then, she takes her friends out to dinner, ha.

Well, she's saving money because she's been able to get her parents and friends to financially support her. That might not be "irresponsible", but it's not exactly responsible either. It sounds like she's still in "college mode". Real responsibility is figuring out how to set up a budget to pay for basic living expenses first, and then putting money into savings and retirement.

 

[nkereina]

As far as the original post, I think OP should have communicated to their friend that they didn't want to eat at that restaurant. If I suggested a different place, my friend was agreeable, and then didn't eat anything, it would give me pause. It may also come off as you being spiteful because it wasn't the place you wanted to go to. No harm in being honest with your friend so you can at least decide on a place you both will enjoy.

 

[MikeNamez]

Did you just read that one post? My daughter is not living in her car, she is living out of her car. I’m guessing she has close to $10,000 in her bank account and is paying over $1000 a month in student loans. She is planning on getting an apartment in a few months after saving enough money to fall back on in an emergency. Shouldn’t every adult have 6 months in savings to fall back on?

I read all the posts, just cant wrap my head around the entire situation. She was just getting on her feet with a new job and your like, umm can we get that grand you owe us. Wild Stuff.

 

[mjkacmom]

Well, she's saving money because she's been able to get her parents and friends to financially support her. That might not be "irresponsible", but it's not exactly responsible either. It sounds like she's still in "college mode". Real responsibility is figuring out how to set up a budget to pay for basic living expenses first, and then putting money into savings and retirement.

Who is financially supporting her? There are so many people in financial messes because they live paycheck to paycheck. Knowing she has significant debt to repay (like so many young adults these days), she is putting off her strong desire to have a permanent residence in order to have savings in the bank, so that if she gets hurt, falls ill, loses her job, etc., she won’t have a financial crisis. I don’t think sleeping on someone’s couch one or two nights a week is taking financial advantage, especially since she was invited. I certainly don’t think she’s taking advantage of us, she knows she can always stay here, but she was out of the house for four years, and I know how hard it is to have to move back home, I would not have wanted to. She is 23, has a masters degree, graduated at the very top of her class, and can officially put CPA on her resume after working at her accounting firm for two years. I think she is going to be very successful.

 

[mjkacmom]

I read all the posts, just cant wrap my head around the entire situation. She was just getting on her feet with a new job and your like, umm can we get that grand you owe us. Wild Stuff.

Where did I say that we asked her for the money back? My point was that she literally ran out of money, couldn’t put gas in her car or buy food. It really scared her, was not a good place to be mentally, even though she knew we would always help her out.

 

[kiddo76]

Who is financially supporting her? There are so many people in financial messes because they live paycheck to paycheck. Knowing she has significant debt to repay (like so many young adults these days), she is putting off her strong desire to have a permanent residence in order to have savings in the bank, so that if she gets hurt, falls ill, loses her job, etc., she won’t have a financial crisis. I don’t think sleeping on someone’s couch one or two nights a week is taking financial advantage, especially since she was invited. I certainly don’t think she’s taking advantage of us, she knows she can always stay here, but she was out of the house for four years, and I know how hard it is to have to move back home, I would not have wanted to. She is 23, has a masters degree, graduated at the very top of her class, and can officially put CPA on her resume after working at her accounting firm for two years. I think she is going to be very successful.

Is she contributing money towards rent, electricity, heat, and water to the people she's crashing with?

 

[goofyintoronto]

You didn't ask, but I think she was rude to change the restaurant the day of.

I was going to say the same thing. It was rude of her to change at the last minute. Not only that, if she still wanted to go to this place knowing you might not eat, i think thats a bit rude too. If it were me, i'd want to go to a place i knew we'd BOTH be happy with.

 

[luvsJack]

Where did I say that we asked her for the money back? My point was that she literally ran out of money, couldn’t put gas in her car or buy food. It really scared her, was not a good place to be mentally, even though she knew we would always help her out.

I know you are feeling attacked and I am sorry that is happening to you. Sounds like you have a very intelligent, independent (from her parents) daughter and that is a good thing. If she is going to stay with her boyfriend a couple of nights a week and stay with those friends on the nights they go out anyway, it really wouldn't make sense to pay rent too and I am wondering if that is where she is coming from. And if it is, she really isn't wrong.

She knows she can always come home, so I would imagine its not like she feels homeless or anything.

My oldest sort of did that after his divorce. He "lived" with us but was only actually there at most 3 nights a week during his time home (he worked 14 and 14 at the time). The other nights, he stayed with friends that live on the coast and he would go out with on the weekends. So out of a month, he was on the rig 14 days, traveling 2 days, stayed at our house maybe 6 days and stayed with friends the rest. And it didn't make sense for him to pay rent at that time. He got back on his feet pretty quickly and then rented a house with a roommate.

As long as your dd's ultimate goal is to get her own place and that is what she working toward and everyone is happy with the current arrangement, I don't see anything particularly wrong with it.

 

[disneychrista]

As long as your dd's ultimate goal is to get her own place and that is what she working toward and everyone is happy with the current arrangement, I don't see anything particularly wrong with it.

I agree! One thing I have found on the DIS is if you/your kids aren’t doing something the way others feel is right/normal then it is wrong.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I know you are feeling attacked and I am sorry that is happening to you. Sounds like you have a very intelligent, independent (from her parents) daughter and that is a good thing. If she is going to stay with her boyfriend a couple of nights a week and stay with those friends on the nights they go out anyway, it really wouldn't make sense to pay rent too and I am wondering if that is where she is coming from. And if it is, she really isn't wrong.

She knows she can always come home, so I would imagine its not like she feels homeless or anything.

My oldest sort of did that after his divorce. He "lived" with us but was only actually there at most 3 nights a week during his time home (he worked 14 and 14 at the time). The other nights, he stayed with friends that live on the coast and he would go out with on the weekends. So out of a month, he was on the rig 14 days, traveling 2 days, stayed at our house maybe 6 days and stayed with friends the rest. And it didn't make sense for him to pay rent at that time. He got back on his feet pretty quickly and then rented a house with a roommate.

As long as your dd's ultimate goal is to get her own place and that is what she working toward and everyone is happy with the current arrangement, I don't see anything particularly wrong with it.

Well of course your situation is different, your son was doing it to get back on his feet

Pretty sure most of us would consider getting back on one's feets (I've at least mentioned it multiple times) is different than going on. But clearly YMMV in that opinion department.

Of course I'm not looking for a back and forth with you rather to explain I don't view your situation as the same as the other.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

I am young 20-something, who gets paid very little at her entry level job. I really have to budget my money. I’m also worried about possible job turnover in the next month or two, so I’m trying to save money as much as possible.

I only eat out 2-3 times a month, if that. When I do eat out, I want it to be somewhere I really enjoy. Since I do it very rarely. I don’t like to spend money on things I don’t want.

My friend and I were supposed to go to this restaurant I absolutely love for lunch. She decided to change plans the day of. The place she wanted to go is fine, but I just don’t want to spend the money on it.

I didn’t cancel plans or anything, I just said I would be getting something small or not eating. I just told her I didn’t have an appetite. In reality though, I have food at home and I don’t want to spend money on a meal I don’t want.

Was that rude for me to say and do?

She changed the venue last minute. So no. I don't think it rude.

 

[disneychrista]

I am sure we all want to know if @mjkacmom 's daughter would order a side salad and water if her friends changed the venue of the night out to save money.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I am sure we all want to know if @mjkacmom 's daughter would order a side salad and water if her friends changed the venue of the night out to save money.

As long as the money saved was going towards retirement of course