Am I being rude?

Joined
Apr 10, 2017
I am young 20-something, who gets paid very little at her entry level job. I really have to budget my money. I’m also worried about possible job turnover in the next month or two, so I’m trying to save money as much as possible.

I only eat out 2-3 times a month, if that. When I do eat out, I want it to be somewhere I really enjoy. Since I do it very rarely. I don’t like to spend money on things I don’t want.

My friend and I were supposed to go to this restaurant I absolutely love for lunch. She decided to change plans the day of. The place she wanted to go is fine, but I just don’t want to spend the money on it.

I didn’t cancel plans or anything, I just said I would be getting something small or not eating. I just told her I didn’t have an appetite. In reality though, I have food at home and I don’t want to spend money on a meal I don’t want.

Was that rude for me to say and do?
 

BadPinkTink

DIS Veteran
Joined
Mar 13, 2015
no you are not rude. I have been in your position, low wages, entry level job and I find that those who have never been in that position just dont get it.

Many people just dont understand that not everyone has the same disposable income as them. Go to this other place but you should not feel guilty about how little you spend. You dont have to explain anything, you are there to enjoy her company. If you just want to order a soda and an small salad then just order that. So what if she is ordering 3 courses and multiple drinks. What you eat or don't eat is not important, its the fact that you want to spend time with your friend thats important.
 
  • BadPinkTink

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Mar 13, 2015
    When I was in my 20's I went to bars and clubs alot with college mates, friends, work colleagues. It would be very normal for everyone to spend huge amounts of money on alcohol and get wasted every time we went out. However, I didnt. I would go out and party BUT I would drink soda and spend a fraction of the amount of money that everyone else did.

    When you have the self confidence to deviate from the norm , people feel threatened and as it shows up their insecurities. I remember people would try to pressurise me to drink alcohol and spend money I didn't have. They couldnt understand how I could party sober.
     

    brockash

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Jul 16, 2008
    I am young 20-something, who gets paid very little at her entry level job. I really have to budget my money. I’m also worried about possible job turnover in the next month or two, so I’m trying to save money as much as possible.

    I only eat out 2-3 times a month, if that. When I do eat out, I want it to be somewhere I really enjoy. Since I do it very rarely. I don’t like to spend money on things I don’t want.

    My friend and I were supposed to go to this restaurant I absolutely love for lunch. She decided to change plans the day of. The place she wanted to go is fine, but I just don’t want to spend the money on it.

    I didn’t cancel plans or anything, I just said I would be getting something small or not eating. I just told her I didn’t have an appetite. In reality though, I have food at home and I don’t want to spend money on a meal I don’t want.

    Was that rude for me to say and do?
    Of course not...you still went why does she care what you order/eat. You were being smart and courteous.
     

    anniemae

    Either she is eating a delicious
    Joined
    Jul 31, 2007
    I think what you did was fine. I would have done the same thing. I would have eaten before then just get something small like a salad.
     
  • Joined
    Oct 23, 2015
    If I'm truly uncomfortable with the price range of the place I suggest another place (the exception was my best friend's birthday still the one and only time my husband and I have spent that much on dinner for us). If the place is still ok then I don't say any more. I don't see a reason to explain why you're getting something different. Sometimes I get apps for dinner when out with my friends other times it's dinner and salad, etc. I don't think my friends actually care about my eating habits to even contemplate if I'm getting something less because of budget vs it's just what I want.
     

    disneychrista

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Dec 26, 2002
    I've been there and done that. I have a friend who is prone to last minute plans or changing the time of us meeting. There have been a few times where I figured they forgot we were suppose to meet up and gone ahead and eaten, only to get a text "I'll be there in 30 minutes." Okay, great but I already ate. So I meet them and maybe get a drink or not.
     

    dish rag

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Jan 30, 2017
    I am young 20-something, who gets paid very little at her entry level job. I really have to budget my money. I’m also worried about possible job turnover in the next month or two, so I’m trying to save money as much as possible.

    I only eat out 2-3 times a month, if that. When I do eat out, I want it to be somewhere I really enjoy. Since I do it very rarely. I don’t like to spend money on things I don’t want.

    My friend and I were supposed to go to this restaurant I absolutely love for lunch. She decided to change plans the day of. The place she wanted to go is fine, but I just don’t want to spend the money on it.

    I didn’t cancel plans or anything, I just said I would be getting something small or not eating. I just told her I didn’t have an appetite. In reality though, I have food at home and I don’t want to spend money on a meal I don’t want.

    Was that rude for me to say and do?
    No. You need to think of yourself first. I’m actually proud of you.
     
  • North of Mouse

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Mar 31, 2011
    I am young 20-something, who gets paid very little at her entry level job. I really have to budget my money. I’m also worried about possible job turnover in the next month or two, so I’m trying to save money as much as possible.

    I only eat out 2-3 times a month, if that. When I do eat out, I want it to be somewhere I really enjoy. Since I do it very rarely. I don’t like to spend money on things I don’t want.

    My friend and I were supposed to go to this restaurant I absolutely love for lunch. She decided to change plans the day of. The place she wanted to go is fine, but I just don’t want to spend the money on it.

    I didn’t cancel plans or anything, I just said I would be getting something small or not eating. I just told her I didn’t have an appetite. In reality though, I have food at home and I don’t want to spend money on a meal I don’t want.

    Was that rude for me to say and do?
    OP, I admire you so much for understanding and staying within your means. I don't know very many young 20's these days that have learned that lesson. A lot of them have credit cards available and have the mentality 'I'll worry about that tomorrow' (later) like the Scarlett Ohara mantra in Gone With The Wind lol.

    As young marrieds we too faced what you are facing and were determined we would not go in debt for everyday living. It's not always easy, but keep it up!! :-)

    And no, it was not rude!
     

    BadPinkTink

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Mar 13, 2015
    As long as your friend doesn't expect you to split the check, then it should be fine. Good for you for watching your budget. :thumbsup2
    This ^^^

    Its important that you set the expectations before you order. For example, here in Ireland, when you go to a bar with a group or if just 1 or 2 people, its the norm for drinks to be ordered in rounds. This means one person will buy the first drink for the group, the second person the second drink etc etc. If you are with a group of 4 people its implied that each of the 4 people will buy a round, and you can end up spending more than you expected and drinking more than you intended. I used to stay out of the round system, and just politely decline when someone asked what would I like to drink. I would just buy my own drinks, and usually would stick to my budget and drink far less than the people I was with.

    With a different group of friends, we always put everything on one check and then pay for what we each had, some people pay cash, some people pay card. This only works though if you have good trust with the other people and everyone is honest about what they are paying for and there is no mysteriousness extra charge left at the end.

    And with other friends, we always ask for a split check when we order.

    The only time I would ever put everything on one check and then divide the total by the amount of people, is when me and my mom go to a restaurant with my sister and her husband. We usually divide the check in half, per couple. Me and mom take turns paying for each other , and then my sister or her husband pay for what they had.
     

    AppleDumpling

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Apr 8, 2015
    You didn't ask, but I think she was rude to change the restaurant the day of.
    I totally agree. It was unfair of her to change plans at the last minute. You weren’t rude; you were gracious to go along with it.

    I would have been honest and told her the truth- that the new place is out of your budget, plus you were looking forward to eating at the first place, which you love. You have no reason to feel guilty or embarrassed. Sounds like you’re a very sensible person. If she is a good friend, she shouldn’t ask you again to do anything/ go anywhere that makes you uncomfortable.
     
    Last edited:

    Christine

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Aug 31, 1999
    OP, first off, I don't think you were rude. But I was wondering if the 2nd restaurant that you friend switched to was actually out of your budget range, or it was in the same $$$ range as the other restaurant, but you just didn't care for it and didn't want to spend your money (the same amount of money as the other place) or food you dislike?

    I think the only thing I would have done differently was to just be honest with your friend and say: Hey, I don't really want to switch venues. I have very limited funds, I don't treat myself often, and Restaurant A is one of favorites so I don't mind the splurge. I don't overly care much for Restaurant B and it feels like I'm wasting my money there. Since we both like Restaurant A so much, can we just stay there? That's not rude either and I think it sets a good example.
     

    mjkacmom

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Feb 20, 2006
    OP, first off, I don't think you were rude. But I was wondering if the 2nd restaurant that you friend switched to was actually out of your budget range, or it was in the same $$$ range as the other restaurant, but you just didn't care for it and didn't want to spend your money (the same amount of money as the other place) or food you dislike?

    I think the only thing I would have done differently was to just be honest with your friend and say: Hey, I don't really want to switch venues. I have very limited funds, I don't treat myself often, and Restaurant A is one of favorites so I don't mind the splurge. I don't overly care much for Restaurant B and it feels like I'm wasting my money there. Since we both like Restaurant A so much, can we just stay there? That's not rude either and I think it sets a good example.
    That’s what I thought the OP meant too. I think I would’ve been honest. I cook most of the time, but we get delivery a few times a month. My kids like chipotle, I really don’t, so most of the time I’ll say anything but chipotle (they get it a lot with friends anyway). If I’m spending money on food, and getting a break from cooking and the cleaning that goes along with it, I want it to b3 something I enjoy eating.
     

    dish rag

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Jan 30, 2017
    That’s what I thought the OP meant too. I think I would’ve been honest. I cook most of the time, but we get delivery a few times a month. My kids like chipotle, I really don’t, so most of the time I’ll say anything but chipotle (they get it a lot with friends anyway). If I’m spending money on food, and getting a break from cooking and the cleaning that goes along with it, I want it to b3 something I enjoy eating.
    I would have your kids clean up after dinner.
     
    Joined
    Oct 23, 2015
    OP, first off, I don't think you were rude. But I was wondering if the 2nd restaurant that you friend switched to was actually out of your budget range, or it was in the same $$$ range as the other restaurant, but you just didn't care for it and didn't want to spend your money (the same amount of money as the other place) or food you dislike?

    I think the only thing I would have done differently was to just be honest with your friend and say: Hey, I don't really want to switch venues. I have very limited funds, I don't treat myself often, and Restaurant A is one of favorites so I don't mind the splurge. I don't overly care much for Restaurant B and it feels like I'm wasting my money there. Since we both like Restaurant A so much, can we just stay there? That's not rude either and I think it sets a good example.
    That's possible and it's possible the friend was thinking the same thing and thus suggested place B.

    Not that I necessarily agree with switching it up last minute though.

    If that was the case I wouldn't add any other details other than "oh ya know I was really craving that place is it ok if we go there this time, next time you pick!" If that was a no go then either cancel on the friend if it meant that much to go there or say "ok but next time can we go to X place?".
     
    Joined
    Oct 23, 2015
    I would have your kids clean up after dinner.
    I don't know if the PP was necessarily complaining about the clean up but it did sorta remind me of my friend. She would spend so much time complaining about how her husband never helps her out with cleaning the house and whatnot, she does all the cooking and just places a plate in front of his face and he eats it, then she cleans it all up. And my response was "well tell you'd like some help silly" in a friendly/joking manner to ease the blow.
     

    ashley0139

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Sep 24, 2009
    OP, I admire you so much for understanding and staying within your means. I don't know very many young 20's these days that have learned that lesson. A lot of them have credit cards available and have the mentality 'I'll worry about that tomorrow' (later) like the Scarlett Ohara mantra in Gone With The Wind lol.

    As young marrieds we too faced what you are facing and were determined we would not go in debt for everyday living. It's not always easy, but keep it up!! :-)

    And no, it was not rude!
    Do you have a source on the fact that a lot of people live like that compared to previous generations? Or are you just basing it on the anti-millennial and gen z rhetoric that's so popular? As someone in that age range, everyone I know is very much worried about staying within their means.
     

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