Advice: How to tell two children they can't play together (one parent says so)

[emma'smom]

This is what I would do...simple, honest adn Johnny and Zack's mommy can hash it out at home later if they are offended.

You: Zack, your mommy says you are not allowed to play with Johnny.

Then later...

You: Johnny, Zack's mommy says he is not allowed to play with you, so you are not allowed to play with him anymore.

 

[Becky2005]

Without knowing the situation, I am thinking possibly bullying of some sort so not real sure.

However....talk about just giving the kids a magnet to want to hang out with each other. I don't envy you afer you have told 1st graders that you "CAN'T" play with so & so.

I don't know how that would work in our school since they are so big on "no exclusions", if a child asks you if they can join in, you pretty much have to let them -- so you don't have the situation where there is a bunch of kids playing and the lone kid that isn't very popular asks to join in and they shun him.

Good Luck.

 

[cocodog]

Your choice is not cowardly; you are respecting the principal's position and she is your supervisor (right or wrong). It is important to remember that she is the boss, whether or not you agree with her decisions, and you will not always agree. I think her request is unreasonable, but you are doing the right thing by trying to comply. It will be OK. Just tell the excluded child that it is time to 'take a break' and focus on getting to know the other children a bit. You sound like a conscientious teacher, and that is to be commended.

 

[golfgal]

Ok another reason for me to appreciate my little old Catholic school and parents. We never engaged in such nonsense as this. You were expected to get along with all your classmates or the nuns would get you. And if parents couldn't sign on to that well then the priests would be after them too.

Ember, I don't know why you are agreeing to this. The Principal is not showing good leadership abilities. If she/he wants to impose such edicts then it is their responsibility to carry it out, not yours. I'd much rather you stand up for the kids and tell the mom and principal to grow up.

Mind you we had issues of kids with disorders, bullies and all sorts of problems in our class. The teachers, parents and administrators all handled it the same. You were expected to get along and play nice. And if you couldn't play nice with anyone then you got yourself booted out of school. Usually it just took a trip to the principal's office (she was a nun) and a reminder of how naughty we were being to calm the wilder students. In Catholic School the highest authority was God, and trust me no kid wanted to tempt his wrath.

Sorry, but it being a public school vs a Catholic school has zero bearing on this situation. Our oldest had FAR more trouble with bullying in the Catholic school he attended.

Ember-there is no possible way for your to monitor these boys all the time. What the mom is asking you to do is impossible. Hopefully she at least has a good reason behind this request. I would talk to the MOM and tell her this and suggest she request her son be transferred into another class if she is really concerned about the kids being together. If it still needs to be addressed at the school level, since the principal agreed with this silly request, HE should talk to the boys, not you.

 

[Agri]

Ok another reason for me to appreciate my little old Catholic school and parents. We never engaged in such nonsense as this. You were expected to get along with all your classmates or the nuns would get you. And if parents couldn't sign on to that well then the priests would be after them too.

I went to a private, religious school and parents wanted their kids separated from the 'bad' kids all the time. And count me in the list of kids bullied at a private religious school.

Also, God is, unfortunately, quite rarely the highest authority when parents are paying thousands of dollars to have their child taught in the manner of their choosing.

 

[happygirl]

It's really hard to say what should be done without you giving why they can't play together.That a huge piece of the puzzle.


I would suggest they are put into seperate classes

 

[Help Please!]

Not your job, in my opinion. What is the mother's reasoning for you keeping them apart at all times? If something super serious happened between the 2 boys, I would think it would warrant her talking to the principal and having her son moved to a different room. If not, the kids need to get along! Of course, as the teacher, you would make sure that the kids were respectful and kind to each other!

 

[dzorn]

Well I see this is going to come back and bite someone in the hiney. OP I hope it is not you. Just be aware you will not be able to enforce this. If the children are just playing together they are not breaking any school rules you will not be able to disapline(sp?) them.

If it is a bulling situation then that needs to be addressed directly, otherwise the parents need to understand that we do not exclude anyone from a play situation.

How are you going to handle the other kids that want to play with both. Make them choose between friends?

Denise in MI

 

[EllenFrasier]

If the mom is that concerned you'd think she'd have her son moved to another class. I think it's kind of hard to keep kids from playing together at school that want to. Unless it's an issue of danger, I can't imagine why a mother would think they could keep them apart. A teacher has more to do than keep two kids apart all day who aren't causing any problems in class. I could see this being a real issue with all their friends getting involved at some point.

I agree with this. When my son was in 6th grade we had a major issue. We had him transferred to another team. No more contact with the other student, no more problems.
There is no way you can talk to the two boys and explain the situation to them without them feeling like there is something wrong with them and that they are in some kind of trouble. If there is a really good reason why they can't play together, I would just wait and see if they do play together and then casually remove the boy, the one whose mother is complaining, away from the situation - like "excuse me John can I see you a minute" and divert him to doing something else.

 

[bigbabyblues]

Sorry, I didn't see your post about the principal asking you to handle this before I posted before. I don't agree with it, but you have to do what you're told to do.

I think your plan to talk to them individually is a good one, and I would keep it simple. Definitely answer any questions they have, if you know the answer, but I wouldn't volunteer any extra details.

Good luck!

 

[Ceila]

Edited to add: Admin doesn't cater, necessarily, to the parents. But we have an extremely involved parent council, and our parents do have a great deal of influence and say in things. In some cases this is great. When the parents decided that our playground needed replacing, or that every room should have a Smart Board, they funded these things for the students. But there are definitely down sides, too, such control of the holiday parties... (I am not looking forward to Valentine's Day, but that's another thread!)

I have no idea how fundraising and involved parents necessarily translates into letting the parents dictate what happens. We have an extremely active parent advisory committee, active PTO, and LOTS of volunteers, and yes, our room parents plan the holiday parties (which our teachers are actually grateful for), and there is still no way the principals in our district would allow one parent to bully them into agreeing to what your principal did, or if they did they wouldn't pass the dirty work off to the teacher. Your admin sounds like they are difficult, at best, to work for, and I'm really sorry you have to deal with this issue.

You: Zack, your mommy says you are not allowed to play with Johnny.

Then later...

You: Johnny, Zack's mommy says he is not allowed to play with you, so you are not allowed to play with him anymore.

Speak to the guidance counselor. Your school has one, right? That's who should be consulted in this situation.

ITA. Keep it simple, especially given how young they are. And I agree with the other poster who suggested having another adult with you.

Your choice is not cowardly; you are respecting the principal's position and she is your supervisor (right or wrong). It is important to remember that she is the boss, whether or not you agree with her decisions, and you will not always agree. I think her request is unreasonable, but you are doing the right thing by trying to comply. It will be OK. Just tell the excluded child that it is time to 'take a break' and focus on getting to know the other children a bit. You sound like a conscientious teacher, and that is to be commended.

Again, ITA.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I think the Mother is ridiculous. I can totally understand her telling you that she would like her child separated from this child as much as possible (no sitting next to each other etc.) but you cannot control playtime. She needs to tell her child that he is not to play with the kid. THE END! What if a bunch of kids are playing and her kid wants to join but the other kid is playing too? Should you make her kid sit out? It is just dumb. I would ask the Mother what she expects you to do? I also think your Principal is being lazy. He/She needs a spine. I would ask them as well what you are expected to do. If I don't want my child playing with a certain child I take it up with my own child. I would not be a participant in this situation if I was you.

 

[mamacatnv]

My thoughts:

First, not your place at all. If the parent has an issue and the Admin is willing to cave then let Admin administer the news. Let them be responsible for the fallout. It can't be all that horrible if the kids are still in the same class.

Second, if I were the parent of the other child I would be furious that a teacher would tell my kid who he can't play with because someones Mommy has an issue. I would be all over that teacher and school.

Admin is way out of line and in "honoring" the Mothers request they are in a way discriminating against the other child. You being the messenger IMO is wrong and you know it is wrong you have said so. If my boss asked me to do something that was wrong, I couldn't do it, I have personal ethics that I won't compromise.

 

[padams]

It's not your job to police these kids' social lives. Unless it is a bullying situation, then I would ignore who is playing with who most of the time. About once a day, perhaps on the way to recess, I'd say to the kid whose mom says "no play", "Hey, remember Mickey, your mom doesn't want to you to play with Donald." Then, ignore it and let it be.

If you have to talk to the 2 kids about the situation, it's simple. Mickey, your Mom doens't want you to play with Donald. Donald, Mickey's mom doesn't want Mickey to play with you. If Mickey says "why not?", I'd say "because your mom said so, talk to her." If Donald says "why not?", I'd say "because that's what Mickey's mom wants." You need to throw this back on the mom.

 

[disneymarie]

I won't go into the situation, but I have two little guys in my class who aren't allowed to play together anymore. It's the express wish of one of the parents, and she's very adamant about it. (There's a big story here, but this is the outcome.) They don't play all the time, but they are friends. Now I have to explain to the two of them that they aren't allowed to play together and am looking for help on what to say...

Edit: It's grade one, and both boys are six.

Mom does not have the authority. Tell her to direct her concerns with the school board, or other governing entity. You are there to teach, not police. If this is a bullying situation, been there done that with my own dd, then the school has policy to follow. That policy should be strictly enforced as worded. Ie) seperate the kids and maybe keep an aid in the play area to monitor.
If Mom has other issues they are in her home and not society.

I heard of two little ones that age playing show me yours and show you mine. it was an issues to be dealt with in the family and social area. As a teacher they are trained for situations that may come up in school of this or other natures...

But, it is not a classroom police job for you to keep the kids apart. We had a referal recently and the boy was about that age. Part of the system and adjudicated.
A disgruntaled Dad wanted custody of his son's unless Mom moved. Until the court realized the "offender" "predator" was a 7 year old boy not a grown man, Dad had his way.

 

[Polyluvr]

My thoughts:

First, not your place at all. If the parent has an issue and the Admin is willing to cave then let Admin administer the news. Let them be responsible for the fallout. It can't be all that horrible if the kids are still in the same class.

Second, if I were the parent of the other child I would be furious that a teacher would tell my kid who he can't play with because someones Mommy has an issue. I would be all over that teacher and school.

Admin is way out of line and in "honoring" the Mothers request they are in a way discriminating against the other child. You being the messenger IMO is wrong and you know it is wrong you have said so. If my boss asked me to do something that was wrong, I couldn't do it, I have personal ethics that I won't compromise.

ITA
If I was the Mom of the "other" kid you better believe I would be all over the school district; the principal and yes~ the teacher.
I would also make sure that the teacher was written up for the kind of favoritism you are implying here.
I'm sorry that you don't want to get into some kind of confrontation w your principal~ but you are, first and foremost your students advocate.

Put on your big girl panties and remove yourself from this silly situation.

Do you have a teachers union ? If yes, you had better contact them~ You are opening some wrong doors by complying w your principals "order".

 

[princessmom29]

This is completely insane! The mom is acting more like a child than the children. If she doen't want her child to play with another child, it is her responsibility to tell him, NOT YOURS. Sounds like she needs to grow up a little and take responsibility for her own parenting. The school sould not be getting involved in this, and certianly not to this degree.

 

[SpecialK]

It's not your job and I'm surprised an administrator would support such an action. That said, I'd call the parent of the other child, explain that the request to speak to the children had been made, and give that parent the option of talking to his/her child. If there are questions, refer them to your principal, citing confidentiality.

It's ridiculous that your principal is asking you to get in the middle of this.

 

[HelenePA]

I wish there was a way for my ds5 to be seperated at all times from one boy in his class.. he is a big big bully. My son has come home crying many times because of this boy and has had one trip to the ER because of him. They do NOT sit near each other in class the the teacher is aware of the problems but I know you can't watch 18 kids all of the time. I will be writting a letter before the end of the year asking for him not to be in this boys class again. If he's like this in Kindergarten just think what he's going to be like at 10 or 11.. I've told my son to stay away from him, he tries but it doesn't always work out that way