Advice: How to tell two children they can't play together (one parent says so)

[kwelch10377]

I'm sorry you are in such a tough situation.

Are the boys aware of the situation at all? Would they be surprised by you talking to them about it?

I would make sure that you talk to them seperately. I would explain things as simple as possible and just explain very generally that they are not allowed to play with each other.

Is the parent expecting you to punish them if they are playing together?

 

[Kathi OD]

Sorry you have to deal with this. It is not your place to tell the children that they aren't allowed to play with each other, and your administration is wrong to expect you to do so.

I'm not sure where you work, but I'd be asking for a transfer to another school in the district if my supervisor ever asked me to do such a thing. This is the kind of situation that he/she gets paid to deal with.

I think that I would tell the child of the parent who made the request exactly why. Something along the lines of your mother doesn't want you playing with Billy, so we are going to respect her wishes, even at school. As for the other child, because I don't know the background on why the parent doesn't want the kids playing together, I'd definitely be more gentle.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

Um, wow, I'm not sure that parent really has the right to tell you to keep those two kids from socializing in your classroom. I'm sorry your administration won't support you in your ability to control and make decisions in your own classroom.

To be honest, if I were you'd, I'd consider looking for a job in another school.

In the meantime, I would be blunt: "Jimmy's mom says she doesn't want you two playing together."

 

[Ember]

Yikes!

So do the kids know that they are not to play with each other or is this going to be a surprise to them?

Are they expecting YOU to take the blame of why they cannot play or can you throw one of the parents under the bus, so to speak?

I would certainly talk with them one on one privately. Personally, I would prefer to have the counselor or some other teacher as a witness to what you talk about with the student in case it comes back to bite your hiney.

Otherwise, keep it simple.

I don't think it will be a surprise, but even with all the issues they do still play, at times. As to blame, I don't know... Having another person present is a great idea, and not one I would have thought of. But I'm definitely doing that!

 

[bellebud]

wow, I feel bad for you. Your principal absolutely is an idiot and a big chicken **** for having you do this. I've just never heard of anything so ridiculous in a school (to have a teacher do)! If the situation is that bad, the principal or guidance should be involved.

ok, now to help you... I love a pp's idea of having someone else present. Can you say something to each boy separately like "I know you and other boy are sometimes friends, and sometimes have a hard time playing together, so for now, the parents have decided it's best for you guys to play with other kids, and not each other. No one's in trouble, but let's keep you guys separated for a while and see how things go."

good luck and let us know how it goes.

 

[dimimi]

As a fellow teacher I can see this being a difficult situation. I can see it being realistic to not seat the students next to each other, group them together or partner them in class.

I would suggest that the mother that requested they not play with each other move to another 1st grade class.'

Now, of course, we don't know what happened and we can only guess. If the mother who requested the "no play" has a valid reason, and you would feel the same way if it were child involved, then I'm not sure what I would do.

Very awkward position to be in, I hope it works out ok for you. It seems sad that a child in 1st grade is labeled...

**I would suggest that the principal talk to the kids. This lets you be the neutral teacher...which it should be. All children should be equal in your eyes.

 

[dreamin_disney]

I also work with kids and this has happened a few times. In our cases if the kids fight to much or one bugs the other to much and the parent comes and complains, then we tell the kids since they can't get along they can't play together. We remind the child their mom said no playing with the other child.

 

[Agri]

I've seen most teachers handle it by just gently reminding the child whose parent made the request that their mom said they could not be near the other child.

IMO, I would make sure the mother requesting has already talked to her son. I would then talk to her son and make sure he knows what is going on and that he is not to be near the other child, per his mother's request and that it must be honored at school.

This happened in my 1st grade class, and my teacher already did a lot of group stuff, so she made sure that *everything* was done by group. There were four groups and boy1 was in the first and boy2 was in the fourth. Even going to the bathroom and lining up for lunch was done by groups, so boy1 and boy2 were rarely ever together - if they were, one was out of his seat misbehaving. If they tried to line up together, she would tell the boy whose parents made the request that his parents didn't want them together and he needed to obey them at school, too. I was the quiet, nosy type so of course I noticed everything. LOL But most kids had little to no clue what was going on.

If the other boy's parents come to you, I would tell them that it was at the request of the parents and that your principal asked that you honor the request. Refer their complaints to the principal if its too much for you to handle.

(I've worked in the school system, so no, I don't think its an overly strange request to 'cater' to, just not the best way to handle it. I think the principal should have brought both sets of parents in to discuss it first.)

 

[MM27]

I've had parents tell me that they told their child not to play or stand next to or get involved with certain other children in my class, but I've never had a parent tell me to keep them apart, other than request that they not sit next to each other.

I don't think it's your job to monitor whether they are playing together. If the kids get along during the school day, then all is well. If the parent has an issue with them playing together, then the parent needs to make it clear to their child what the expectations are and the child will need to follow through. Personally, I think it's crazy, whatever the reason, for a parent to make this an issue if the kids don't seem to have problems with one another. If they don't like the way it's being handled, then perhaps they need to have the child moved to another class.

 

[java]

If mom A has the problem let her tell her child he can't play with the other child. It's not your job to stop kids from playing together it's your job to teach them.

I volunteered last year in my son's 1st grade class and it drove me nuts- there were so many kids that weren't allowed to play together- or sit near each other- or whatever that it wasted so much teaching time.

I was upset about that. I mentioned it to the teacher and to the principal. I thought it was a massive waste of time.

But to answer your ? if you have to say something I would state the facts. Mommy A doesn't want you to play together. Short and simple. If there is an "incident" that occured you can say because of X you can't play together anymore.

Good luck and man thank you for being a teacher!

 

[BroganMc]

Ok another reason for me to appreciate my little old Catholic school and parents. We never engaged in such nonsense as this. You were expected to get along with all your classmates or the nuns would get you. And if parents couldn't sign on to that well then the priests would be after them too.

Ember, I don't know why you are agreeing to this. The Principal is not showing good leadership abilities. If she/he wants to impose such edicts then it is their responsibility to carry it out, not yours. I'd much rather you stand up for the kids and tell the mom and principal to grow up.

Mind you we had issues of kids with disorders, bullies and all sorts of problems in our class. The teachers, parents and administrators all handled it the same. You were expected to get along and play nice. And if you couldn't play nice with anyone then you got yourself booted out of school. Usually it just took a trip to the principal's office (she was a nun) and a reminder of how naughty we were being to calm the wilder students. In Catholic School the highest authority was God, and trust me no kid wanted to tempt his wrath.

 

[Ember]

I also work with kids and this has happened a few times. In our cases if the kids fight to much or one bugs the other to much and the parent comes and complains, then we tell the kids since they can't get along they can't play together. We remind the child their mom said no playing with the other child.

I thought this must not be all that uncommon... Kids don't always get along and some parents are very involved in their child's life and schooling. (This is not a criticism, just a fact.)

I don't think I should have to be the one to speak to the boys, but then that seems to be the expectation so I will, of course, do it.

Thanks for the help with what to say. I think I'm going to speak to the boys one on one (with another teacher there - still think this a a great idea) and keep it simple. That the boys have had problems so their parents don't want them playing together. I have them in separate center / reading groups, and they sit apart. So hopefully this ends with speaking to them.

 

[terri01p]

 

[richmond282]

I agree that it should be the adminstration and/or guidance counselor. As a teacher, if I was TOLD to have this chat with the boys, I would insist that the principal or guidance counselor be present for the talk. I also agree that low key is good. Just pull them aside one on one and say "X, you're mother has requested that you not play with Y. We are going to obey that request at school." Then "Boy Y, you need to avoid playing with Boy X because (whatever the reason is i.e. you can't get along)."

 

[Ember]

Ember, I don't know why you are agreeing to this. The Principal is not showing good leadership abilities. If she/he wants to impose such edicts then it is their responsibility to carry it out, not yours. I'd much rather you stand up for the kids and tell the mom and principal to grow up.

*sigh* I am agreeing to this because I do not want to get into a battle with my admin. Maybe that's cowardly, but it's not a battle I'm ready to fight. Honestly, handling this seems far easier than trying to get out of doing it. While there are aspects to my job I don't enjoy, I love what I do. I'm grateful for my job, even when things aren't wonderful or easy.

 

[mommyrach]

I have to speak to them. And at this point I am going to obey the letter of the law. There are supervisors at recess that have been told the boys are to stay apart, but I get to be the one to talk to them about it. If the boys persist in playing together, I feel it is then beyond anything I can do. But I do need to address it directly - at the request of my administration.

I am not feeling great about this, hence the request for help.

Edited to add: Admin doesn't cater, necessarily, to the parents. But we have an extremely involved parent council, and our parents do have a great deal of influence and say in things. In some cases this is great. When the parents decided that our playground needed replacing, or that every room should have a Smart Board, they funded these things for the students. But there are definitely down sides, too, such control of the holiday parties... (I am not looking forward to Valentine's Day, but that's another thread!)

What??? I have been on the PTO board for my kids' school for the past 7 years. I am currently serving as president. We have installed 2 new playgrounds, we give the teachers $ for classroom needs, pay the computer teacher's salary, etc. and we have no say in how the school is run. Our principal comes to us with requests and needs for the school and we are asked to provide them if we are able, but she makes decisions on how the school is run. I am also the room mom for my son's class and just yesterday I talked to the teacher and found out what she wanted to do for the Valentine's party. I am there to help her, not tell her how to do things. Your parent group should be doing things to help make the school a better place for their children, not so they can control how the school is run. That sounds like very poor leadership from your principal. I know this has nothing to do with the topic. Sorry for the rant!

 

[cm8]

I agree that it should be the adminstration and/or guidance counselor. As a teacher, if I was TOLD to have this chat with the boys, I would insist that the principal or guidance counselor be present for the talk. I also agree that low key is good. Just pull them aside one on one and say "X, you're mother has requested that you not play with Y. We are going to obey that request at school." Then "Boy Y, you need to avoid playing with Boy X because (whatever the reason is i.e. you can't get along)."

 

[Ciciwoowoo]

Such a sad situation for you to have to handle. These poor kids (or at least 1 of these children) are going to grow up not knowing how to handle difficult situations because Mom always managed them.

Learning to have to deal with both good and bad people is a painful social situation that everyone must learn. I hate that my son would have some people say mean things, but I taught him to laugh off the comments and just ignore those people. He has learned this skill and is a much better person for it.

Of course, if it were a matter of bullying, that would be a different matter entirely.

I give you credit for agreeing to say anything to appease the parent. That same parent is probably going to be a PITA for as long as her child is in your school!

 

[Jennasis]

You: Zack, your mommy says you are not allowed to play with Johnny.

Then later...

You: Johnny, Zack's mommy says he is not allowed to play with you, so you are not allowed to play with him anymore.

 

[RitaZ.]

Again, without getting into the situation, the principal is aware of the mother's demand and has asked (told) me to speak to the boys. I put it off today because I couldn't find the right words and I wanted to have a plan before tackling the subject.

Speak to the guidance counselor. Your school has one, right? That's who should be consulted in this situation.