WWYD? Concerned

[ronandannette]

I've had him ask her over and despite it being late notice she said she'd love to come over tomorrow night, so I will try to size up the situation then and ask her some questions, in a non-accusing way. I haven't had nearly as much time with her as my son but she does seem to be a nice enough girl so I'm not going to do this in a way that will drive a wedge between us, I want to get to know her and see what she is really like and what her motivations could be. The last thing I want to do is cause my son to start lying, sneaking around, etc. He has always been a wonderful child to have and I don't want that to change. That's why I am trying to be very careful in my approach. I wish we had said something moms ago and if the roles were reversed I'm positive we would have, but as a PP said that ship has sailed. Now we need to just figure out if what is going on is on the up and up.
Edited to add I did not mean you said we should be accusing!

Hopefully the OP will come back after tonight's meeting and let us know what was said.

 

[tina.tina]

I notice the "faith" connection has come up many times. One can only assume wha that means. But, this woman is of an age where any serious relationship with a man of her own age is almost certainly going to involve sex - and pre-marital sex at that. She may be very uncomfortable with that and having no success with men of her own age because of it. Hanging out with a deeply religious teen may be removing that pressure from her while still providing companionship.

That wouldn't make it any less weird, but it could be an explanation.

I was also thinking that this could be a possibility and I would worry that her neediness was stifling my son. It's just odd.

 

[sbtrfly74]

I just thought of a funny story that relates to this age gap.

I use to work at a Japanese steakhouse when I was 25-26 and I was considered old. Most were 18-22 and the head chefs son worked there who was 15-16.

I went with my sister to see American Pie (rated R) in the theater when it came out and next thing I know this head chefs kid was in the row in front of me with a friend of his.

He turned around to me and said "OMG if anyone asks, can you say your my MOM!" Some how they didnt card him and he got in, or he sneaked in.

I thought it was hysterical, but made me think now I would have never even at 26 hung out with him on a weekly basis.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I notice the "faith" connection has come up many times. One can only assume wha that means. But, this woman is of an age where any serious relationship with a man of her own age is almost certainly going to involve sex - and pre-marital sex at that. She may be very uncomfortable with that and having no success with men of her own age because of it. Hanging out with a deeply religious teen may be removing that pressure from her while still providing companionship.

That wouldn't make it any less weird, but it could be an explanation.

Being so-called 'friends' with a minor child, and an adult having their needs met by a minor child, even if this begins as a need for non-physical companionship, even, and especially if this is 'emotional' and/or psychological need and desires, is not an acceptable explanation.

Wrong, Wrong, WRONG on every level.

That is why there are laws....

I believe that it is actually very typical, in situations when it is an older female with a minor boy, for the female, usually upper 20's thru their 30's the whole 'being a teen again, reliving one's youth, etc...' is most often a huge factor.

I have a teen son, and these views def. apply to him as much as they would a teen girl.

And, IMHO, any mention of religion means absolutely NOTHING.
There is no justification here at all.
Two people can share religious views and religious organizations, and religious groups/friends without engaging in an inappropriate one-on-one personal relationship.

 

[pixiewings71]

OP I hope everything works out in your favor tonight. I just wanted to chime in really quickly, I'm 5 years older than my DBF (we have been together for 12 years), when we met I was 30, he was 25, his Mom said that was too many years and it wouldn't last. 12 years later we are just as good together as we were in the beginning. I have 4 people I would classify as my BFF's, one is a year older than me and her DH is 12 years younger than she is, they've been married for 3 years now. Another one, her DH is 7 years younger, when they met he was 20, they dated for 3 years, have been married for 3 years and are blissful, perfect match. The 3rd one is 37, her boyfriend is 23, again, perfect match. The last one is opposite direction, she's 26, her boyfriend is 43, it works and they are happy. Now, none of them are almost 17 and 28 but the age differences are about the same. And before anyone jumps on me and says it's different because none of my friends met while they were under 18 I agree with that, I do think that it is odd to find people of those ages with enough in common to keep them interested in each other. My point is simply that age is just a number and couples with large number differences can be happy together. Don't jump to conclusion and make assumptions, don't be vague with her tonight, try to get to know her, see how they interact with each other and if you are still worried then just be honest and let them both know your concerns, tell them together tonight after dinner. If they are both as smart as they sound they will understand your concerns and will respect you for having them. Best of luck!

Oh as for WWID? I would do exactly what you're doing.

 

[mousears123]

Since she should be here in about a half hour, (around 8) I just wanted to Pop in and say thank you to all of you for your thoughts.

I will let you know what my feelings are after she leaves. I'm guessing she'll be here til around 10 or 11. So I'll probably post again before I get the kitchen clean.


Our son helped me cook tonight and we made all the traditional dishes and we talked quite a bit about my feelings and his feelings as we cooked together, which I believe was a good thing.

Traditional foods, We are from Eastern Europe I won't be specific about which country since I'm not sure if the dissers I know under my regular user name will see my country and know who I am, we generally eat around 4 pm and then again around 9-10 so we are having her over for the later meal and I will let you know how things go.
Thank You.

 

[castmember19]

I'm shocked that so many people are responding that this is something they'd be okay with.

28 year old grown woman hanging out solo (and often) with a 16 year old teenager? Nope, nope, nope, nope. That's all kinds of weird. No normal grown woman would do that.

Even if the son is well-rounded, knows better, is committed to his faith, etc... It's not like teenagers are known for making great decisions 100 percent of the time. Good kids make mistakes too.

And though it's been said before in this thread, everyone would have the exact opposite reaction if it were a 28 year old man and a 16 year old teenage girl. Yuck. It's just foolish to think that a woman can't rape a young boy, not that I think that's what happening here.

Good luck to you OP, I hope tonight answers some questions for you.

 

[richmond282]

NORMAL 28 year old WOMEN, do not want to hang out with a 16 year old boy. Period.

I agree

OP, if you have a bad gut instinct about this relationship, I would totally not discount that. Honestly, if it was me, I would probably forbid the relationship. But then again I probably would have forbid the texting at age 14 too.

 

[ronandannette]

Since she should be here in about a half hour, (around 8) I just wanted to Pop in and say thank you to all of you for your thoughts.

I will let you know what my feelings are after she leaves. I'm guessing she'll be here til around 10 or 11. So I'll probably post again before I get the kitchen clean.


Our son helped me cook tonight and we made all the traditional dishes and we talked quite a bit about my feelings and his feelings as we cooked together, which I believe was a good thing.

Traditional foods, We are from Eastern Europe I won't be specific about which country since I'm not sure if the dissers I know under my regular user name will see my country and know who I am, we generally eat around 4 pm and then again around 9-10 so we are having her over for the later meal and I will let you know how things go.
Thank You.

I'm not sure if you have purposely declined to mention it, but I'm likely not the only one who's curious. Is DS's Dad involved in his life and if so, what's his take? Hoping the best for you tonight!

 

[tinatark]

When I was in high school, a friend of mine was "friends" with a 20-something..... he ditched his prom date (a classmate of ours) to go out with the 20-something friend.

 

[redrosesix]

This young lady may feel that she is giving the op's ds someone to talk about his faith with in a way that he cannot talk to other adults or other teens and it may all be very innocent and exactly what the boy says it is. But, she needs to understand that she is setting herself up to look bad. Maybe, in some tactful way, that is what needs to be brought to her attention.

If the op's ds wants to continue the friendship and it is just that, she needs to find a couple of other kids from the church to include in their outings and/or spend more time at his home with him and his parents.

This, esp the bolded part. Since the OP doesn't know what kind of relationship they had, she also doesn't know what they talk about. It could be her DS feels the need to talk to this woman about some things. Which could be good -- we recently had a 16 y.o. captain of the highschool football team, most popular boy in school, commit suicide. It would have been good for him to have somebody else to talk to obviously. Not saying that your DS is in this situation, but there may be things he needs to talk about that he can't with you or his peers. It's also possible this woman needs to feel needed -- many people are lonely and they like to feel useful in some way. This is why a lot of people take on these roles in their church or community.

To the OP, it may be innocent but what if it wasn't? What would you do? If you would be supportive than I would not consider doing anything that would make your DS walk out of your life -- like talking to the police, the pastor, or lawyers when legally there is nothing you could do.

If it's not a romantic relationship, either your DS will outgrow her or she will become a family friend (of his family or yours). I truly think that if your DS is spending this much time with her, you really should get to know her better. You would think the same about peers and school friends etc so you shouldn't feel that it's different because they met through your church or because she was a youth leader at the church.

Once you get to know her you might really like her, or you might figure out that she's totally crazy. That's when you talk to the pastor or the police.

 

[mousears123]

Hi, thank you to all. Before I go on I should clarify that she and DS did not meet at church and she is not in any leadership position in the church.
They met by her job, her working at the place he did went to do volunteer work, they assigned him to her, she was not officially the person in charge of the volunteers, but, she was assigned to supervise his tasks.



My DH is of the same mind I am. we did not realize how important they seemed to each other and not very concerned because since we were reading his emails and texts last year and found nothing sexual or romantic in the past. At 16 we have stopped read his emails/texts and now they are going out weekly so at this point it's more of a concern with the unsupervised time. Most of our concern is being together ALONE and with her being so much older what might be happening between them which we are unaware. My DH and I spoke about it and wanted to have her spend time here with the family or perhaps two families together so that we know nothing is happening which shouldnt be.
If there is sexual sin it can be forgiven, but it needs to be addressed and stopped. We do not want to turn a blind eye to it.

After tonight I feel "somewhat" more at ease. I did not get vibes or signs of body language or eye contact that meant other things. This does not mean nothing is happening! But, I am slightly reassured that there was none there.
She made a good impression on us. We probably did come on very strong with questioning her. I am sure she understood why she had been invited to our house. But, she spoke with us and we feel she is being genuine in her answers.


DS said he wanted us "to see how great she is", but I was much more interested in finding out what she sees in our son. I asked her why she liked DS and she seems surprised and began listing off all of his good qualities. I thought, yes I know his good qualities I am his mother. But that did not answer my question.
I asked also if her friends thought it was strange for her to be with him so much and she said that they don't understand it, but she had never been concerned with what others thought since she knew the truth of the matter and the truth of the matter was innocent. I asked also if she was seeing anyone she said not at the moment. I remarked that I was surprised a pretty girl like her was still single and she replied that she just had not met the right one yet and that it was difficult as a fundamentalist in a very small church. I said that is true and would you like to come to church with us, you can meet the men in our church. She was very happy about that and we told her we would pick her up Sunday morning and she could come with us Id introduce her to the families who have men her age.

We also asked her a lot about her family and upbringing. Similar to how we have tried to raise our children. We do not believe in kissing before the wedding day, we believe children are a blessing and do not believe in birth control, we believe in general homeschooling is best (unless you have a like minded Christian school nearby), we believe in natural healing and the power of prayer, there are many other things but would take a lot of space. She was raised similarly and seemingly she is very serious about these lifestyle choices. She spoke quite a bit about being IN the world but not being OF the world. She shared some of her favorite scripture with us and she mentioned at one point to us that when they go out for dinner together they pray silently by themselves before they eat, they do not pray aloud together, because prayer creates an intimacy.

I have a few more details but need to get the kitchen done as it's getting quite late.

 

[ronandannette]

Well, now you know. I think you did the right thing by stepping in. There is no such thing as "too late" to intervene when it comes to the safety and well being of our kids.

While she certainly seemed to give you "all the right answers" I'd still keep my eyes open and make sure your DS keeps this all in perspective. I also think you might be on the right track in trying to incorporate her more into your family rather than let the two of them continue to spend unlimited amounts of time alone. It sounds like she could maybe use your mentorship/fellowship herself!

 

[java]

We have very different beliefs. But that is what makes the world go around. I think you offering to take her to church to meet men her own age was to the point. She hopefully got the message. Good luck. Thanks for the update.

Hi, thank you to all. Before I go on I should clarify that she and DS did not meet at church and she is not in any leadership position in the church.
They met by her job, her working at the place he did went to do volunteer work, they assigned him to her, she was not officially the person in charge of the volunteers, but, she was assigned to supervise his tasks.



My DH is of the same mind I am. we did not realize how important they seemed to each other and not very concerned because since we were reading his emails and texts last year and found nothing sexual or romantic in the past. At 16 we have stopped read his emails/texts and now they are going out weekly so at this point it's more of a concern with the unsupervised time. Most of our concern is being together ALONE and with her being so much older what might be happening between them which we are unaware. My DH and I spoke about it and wanted to have her spend time here with the family or perhaps two families together so that we know nothing is happening which shouldnt be.
If there is sexual sin it can be forgiven, but it needs to be addressed and stopped. We do not want to turn a blind eye to it.

After tonight I feel "somewhat" more at ease. I did not get vibes or signs of body language or eye contact that meant other things. This does not mean nothing is happening! But, I am slightly reassured that there was none there.
She made a good impression on us. We probably did come on very strong with questioning her. I am sure she understood why she had been invited to our house. But, she spoke with us and we feel she is being genuine in her answers.


DS said he wanted us "to see how great she is", but I was much more interested in finding out what she sees in our son. I asked her why she liked DS and she seems surprised and began listing off all of his good qualities. I thought, yes I know his good qualities I am his mother. But that did not answer my question.
I asked also if her friends thought it was strange for her to be with him so much and she said that they don't understand it, but she had never been concerned with what others thought since she knew the truth of the matter and the truth of the matter was innocent. I asked also if she was seeing anyone she said not at the moment. I remarked that I was surprised a pretty girl like her was still single and she replied that she just had not met the right one yet and that it was difficult as a fundamentalist in a very small church. I said that is true and would you like to come to church with us, you can meet the men in our church. She was very happy about that and we told her we would pick her up Sunday morning and she could come with us Id introduce her to the families who have men her age.

We also asked her a lot about her family and upbringing. Similar to how we have tried to raise our children. We do not believe in kissing before the wedding day, we believe children are a blessing and do not believe in birth control, we believe in general homeschooling is best (unless you have a like minded Christian school nearby), we believe in natural healing and the power of prayer, there are many other things but would take a lot of space. She was raised similarly and seemingly she is very serious about these lifestyle choices. She spoke quite a bit about being IN the world but not being OF the world. She shared some of her favorite scripture with us and she mentioned at one point to us that when they go out for dinner together they pray silently by themselves before they eat, they do not pray aloud together, because prayer creates an intimacy.

I have a few more details but need to get the kitchen done as it's getting quite late.

 

[luvsJack]

Sounds like things went great and it is innocent and just a friendship. The only other thing I would suggest is to keep an eye on how your son seems to feel. Did he take it ok or agree when you invited her to church and to introduce her to other men her age?

I can completely understand their friendship. Finding someone who shares your beliefs and convictions is not always an easy thing, regardless of what faith you are.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

The saying "Trust, but verify" comes to mind!

Good luck, OP!

 

[Mouse House Mama]

OP I wish you all the best in all of this. I read through this thread but I have to say that IMO unless the 28 year old is severely socially delayed there would be no reason or longing for her to have weekly "dates" with a 16 year old. I understand from what you have posted that you are very religious and that is great. That doesn't however prevent a mind and body from behaving differently even if that is not the original intention. I hate to say this but I feel like you are creating a false sense of security based on your religion. The facts are though that you have a 28 year old WOMAN spending imo an innappropriate amount of time with your 16 year old TEEN. Personally I would never let that occur with my daughters or sons. It is simply not socially appropriate at all. There is no "connection". They shouldn't even have that much in common. How much church can they talk about? Her own friends don't understand it. There is a reason for that. I am sorry if this comes across as harsh but I think you are putting your son in a precarious position. If the situation were reversed and it was a man and your daughter I bet most people would see it as she is being "groomed" for him. You mention sexual sin can be forgiven and would need to stop. However, once it is done no amount of prayer and forgiveness can unring that bell. Let your son develop at the pace he is meant to. Not as a grown person. He is 16. Let him be 16. I am sorry but I don't believe anything good can or is coming of this situation. Good luck.

 

[Missy1961]

OP I wish you all the best in all of this. I read through this thread but I have to say that IMO unless the 28 year old is severely socially delayed there would be no reason or longing for her to have weekly "dates" with a 16 year old. I understand from what you have posted that you are very religious and that is great. That doesn't however prevent a mind and body from behaving differently even if that is not the original intention. I hate to say this but I feel like you are creating a false sense of security based on your religion. The facts are though that you have a 28 year old WOMAN spending imo an innappropriate amount of time with your 16 year old TEEN. Personally I would never let that occur with my daughters or sons. It is simply not socially appropriate at all. There is no "connection". They shouldn't even have that much in common. How much church can they talk about? Her own friends don't understand it. There is a reason for that. I am sorry if this comes across as harsh but I think you are putting your son in a precarious position. If the situation were reversed and it was a man and your daughter I bet most people would see it as she is being "groomed" for him. You mention sexual sin can be forgiven and would need to stop. However, once it is done no amount of prayer and forgiveness can unring that bell. Let your son develop at the pace he is meant to. Not as a grown person. He is 16. Let him be 16. I am sorry but I don't believe anything good can or is coming of this situation. Good luck.

I have to say I agree with this post. If this was my son, the one on one time with a 28 yr old woman would stop now. Take away his keys, give him a curfew, everything that I could do I would.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I, too, agree with the above post by MouseHouseMama.....

I would not assume that your son is going to be happy if she comes to his church, meets an older man, and suddenly, her relationship with your son is very, very, very, secondary... As she is consumed, AS ONE SHOULD BE, with an appropriate relationship with a non-minor.

Having said that....
I have no inclination that one with your beliefs will be able to see things that everyone else here is seeing.

In fact...
The religious factors here, and how they are considered as justifications, concern me, greatly....

I do hope that this situation and the relationships involved work out for the best!

 

[Green Tea]

Even though you feel relieved, I feel exactly the same as I did before. It's great they have a similar faith, but she is too old to be his friend. She isn't a mentor. If she is a lover then she is a pedophile, no matter how much she might love God.

For what it's worth, the 2 fundamentalist girls who went through school with my children......wore the promise rings, only attended Christain events ......one was pregnant at 18. Unmarried. The other 19.