WWYD? Concerned

[OceanAnnie]

That's pretty unmistakably dating. It's outside our cultural norma for a mid-20s woman to date a 16-year old. I don't like the fact that she apparently took an interest in him when he was 14. I would have to have her over and have them do a DTR He is still a minor child under your guardianship.
I have to think that if the situation were reversed (older man, teen girl) people would be looking at this differently.

I think you are right. It would be worrisome to me.

 

[mousears123]

Introduce him to a 16-year-old girl

He has lots of friends both boys and girls, he's never lacked for someone to hang out with. He has had a few girlfriends but nothing more than a couple months.

 

[shortbun]

I think they are dating. I would have her over for dinner and share things that make her aware of just how young he is. Faced with the reality of her situation, she may change her views. Have 'the talk' with your son about birth control-his responsibilty-and all the other details. I would take him to the store and buy him condoms or at least put a box in his room.

 

[Disney Doll]

I would stay away from age of consent and statutory rape.
It doesn't sound like your son is being forced to do anything agianst his will.

It may be that they are friends and as other posters have said, since it can be somewhat unusual for a teenager to be religiously devoted, maybe he doesn't have many kids his own age to share that aspect of his life with.

 

[Disney Doll]

That's pretty unmistakably dating. It's outside our cultural norms for a mid-20s woman to date a 16-year old. I don't like the fact that she apparently took an interest in him when he was 14. I would have to have her over and have them do a DTR He is still a minor child under your guardianship.
I have to think that if the situation were reversed (older man, teen girl) people would be looking at this differently.

You're right because it would be much easier for an older man to physically overpower a teenage girl than it would be for a 20-something year old woman to physiclly overpower a teenage boy. Call it whatever kind of double standard you want, bu that is the reality of the situation.

OP, is your son hanging exclusively with this woman or does he also hang out with kids his own age??????

 

[fortwildernessishome]

Honestly it sounds very strange to me. A 28 year old women hanging out with a 16 year old boy!!! I have two boys and my youngest is 17 and there is NO WAY that I would be comfortable with it.

I would have to ask myself why isn't the girl hanging out with people her own age. What does she get out of hanging out with a boy so much younger than herself.

If other kids from the group occasionaly joined them on outings than that would be different, but this doesn't sound like a group thing, but one on one.

If they like hanging out so much and if it is all an innocent friendship than why don't they hang out at your house?

I know some people feel like a parent has no control, that a kid will rebel and do it behind your back. Maybe my kids are different, but when things have come up that my husband and I are not comfortable with we explain why and just say "no". My kids have always known our rules/expectation/what's acceptable so not many issues have ever come up.

Good luck with this!

 

[mousears123]

That is a hard one.

Given the history it's likely they will remain friends. But, I think I would encourage my child to maybe spend less time with someone so much older and to spend more time with friends his own age.

How are his other friendships? Is the relationship taking away time from his guy friends?

I would encourage more involvement in school activities. This is a time to explore and find himself so to speak within his peer group. How are his grades? I imagine they are fine since I don't recall you mentioning them.

I guess I would have a global take on it. Not make the relationship a forbidden fruit kind of thing.

It could be all on the up and up. But girls mature quicker than guys. So I would be mindful of that. I'd be concerned about a one on one relationship like that blossoming.

Are you still reading his texts?

Good luck with approaching it. Mine are just thoughts. I really don't know exactly how I would broach it.

Yes, his grades are excellent. He wouldn't be doing anything else if they weren't. He is also in AP classes and is doing really well.

He has a lot of friends he does spend time with...he sees her usually once a week, the other days he's involved in his job, friends, school activities...he's so much more active than I ever was. I came home, did my homework, and that was about it. He's involved in a lot and sometimes I wonder where he has the time and energy.

He is also more into his faith than most kids would be, more than we were at his age. He is pretty serious in that regard and I understand that he likes that they share that. He is in our church youth group but most of the church youth kids are not exactly a good influence, a lot of kids are there because their parents make them go and some of them are into some bad things (from what our son tells us)

No, we don't read his texts or emails anymore...I feel like maybe we still should but how does one go back and say now we will read your texts after we have already stopped and said we aren't doing that anymore.

 

[mousears123]

Honestly it sounds very strange to me. A 28 year old women hanging out with a 16 year old boy!!! I have two boys and my youngest is 17 and there is NO WAY that I would be comfortable with it.

I would have to ask myself why isn't the girl hanging out with people her own age. What does she get out of hanging out with a boy so much younger than herself.

If other kids from the group occasionaly joined them on outings than that would be different, but this doesn't sound like a group thing, but one on one.

If they like hanging out so much and if it is all an innocent friendship than why don't they hang out at your house?

I know some people feel like a parent has no control, that a kid will rebel and do it behind your back. Maybe my kids are different, but when things have come up that my husband and I are not comfortable with we explain why and just say "no". My kids have always known our rules/expectation/what's acceptable so not many issues have ever come up.

Good luck with this!

That's exactly what I'm worried about. He sees her and we haven't made a big deal about it. If we say we don't want you spending time alone with her then he may decide to lie to us about where he is so that he can still see her. He's not the type to lie, however I am not naive enough to think my son would never lie to his parents!!
I don't want this to turn into something that is making a divide and lies are told.
I'd rather everything stay open and up front.

I have asked him tonight if she ever talks about her friends or men she's dating. He said she goes out for dinner with other friends a lot too. He said she doesn't date much but when she does she only dates men she meets thru church. I asked if she's ever dated someone besides through church and he said he didn't know but probably not because of "the whole purity thing". I said do you mean like abstinence and he said yes that if you don't date through church then the person you date will expect things that are "not of God"...that's the phrase he used I've never said anything like that, and I'm hoping that means that it is true that nothing has happened between them.

I asked him when he was texting if he would ask her over for dinner tomorrow.
I said I know it's last minute so if she can't, I'd be happy to have her over another night.
He said she texted back that tomorrow would be good. So I guess we will figure this out.

 

[mousears123]

This issue needs to be taken up with the pastor, and promptly.

We don't have the same pastor, we go to similar church (same denominations and same doctrine) but would you say talk to our pastor or go the young woman's pastor?

 

[mousears123]

There is a difference between age of consent and sex between a minor and a supervisor.

If you are in Ohio (maybe you're not, but it's a guess), there is a small part of the statute that reads Since the relationship started when your ds was a volunteer supervised by this woman, she is on a very slippery slope.

Thank you for posting that..I had not thought of her supervising volunteers as an issue, because even though they texted and emailed during that time, they were not "going out" for lack of a better term, until after he was no longer volunteering. However that's absolutely right that he did meet her while under her supervision and if they hadn't started out as volunteer/supervisor, he would never have met her.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Yes, his grades are excellent. He wouldn't be doing anything else if they weren't. He is also in AP classes and is doing really well.

He has a lot of friends he does spend time with...he sees her usually once a week, the other days he's involved in his job, friends, school activities...he's so much more active than I ever was. I came home, did my homework, and that was about it. He's involved in a lot and sometimes I wonder where he has the time and energy.

He is also more into his faith than most kids would be, more than we were at his age. He is pretty serious in that regard and I understand that he likes that they share that. He is in our church youth group but most of the church youth kids are not exactly a good influence, a lot of kids are there because their parents make them go and some of them are into some bad things (from what our son tells us)

No, we don't read his texts or emails anymore...I feel like maybe we still should but how does one go back and say now we will read your texts after we have already stopped and said we aren't doing that anymore.

He sounds like he is well rounded and has a good head on his shoulders. That means a lot. But he is kind of young when you are talking about a woman in her mid 20's.

Do you know the woman very well? Is that part of what is making you uneasy? I think the age thing coupled with the amount of time they spend together that would make me uneasy.

I guess if I were in that situation my mind would revisit the different places in life they are and how that fits into their relationship and how it might change over time. Has he had a romance before? It's a tricky thing. It can strike when you aren't looking for it especially when you spend a good amount of time with someone. It can change a person's life for the good or not.

I think I'd just have some light ongoing conversations about his "friend" and try to feel the situation out.

It's possible it's nothing. On the other hand the age spread is enough that it could have the potential to effect him in unforeseeable ways.

I agree with shortbun he needs to know how to take care of himself and any (future) girlfriend. I'd probably defer to DH on that one.

 

[ronandannette]

Why don't you just contact her and ask - straight up? It is not uncommon for young adults to mentor/come alongside teens within a faith community (albeit opposite sex relationships like this would be rarer). She shouldn't find it offensive for a concerned parent to at least make the enquiry; you don't need to be accusatory or aggressive. As others have said - you likely wouldn't have waited this long to get clarity if this was your 16 y.o. DD and a 28 y.o. man.

 

[mousears123]

Why don't you just contact her and ask - straight up? It is not uncommon for young adults to mentor/come alongside teens within a faith community (albeit opposite sex relationships like this would be rarer). She shouldn't find it offensive for a concerned parent to at least make the enquiry; you don't need to be accusatory or aggressive. As others have said - you likely wouldn't have waited this long to get clarity if this was your 16 y.o. DD and a 28 y.o. man.

I've had him ask her over and despite it being late notice she said she'd love to come over tomorrow night, so I will try to size up the situation then and ask her some questions, in a non-accusing way. I haven't had nearly as much time with her as my son but she does seem to be a nice enough girl so I'm not going to do this in a way that will drive a wedge between us, I want to get to know her and see what she is really like and what her motivations could be. The last thing I want to do is cause my son to start lying, sneaking around, etc. He has always been a wonderful child to have and I don't want that to change. That's why I am trying to be very careful in my approach. I wish we had said something moms ago and if the roles were reversed I'm positive we would have, but as a PP said that ship has sailed. Now we need to just figure out if what is going on is on the up and up.
Edited to add I did not mean you said we should be accusing!

 

[PizzieDuster]

I can only speak from my personal experience, but I do have some. When I was 15-18 I had a great group of friends I met from community theatre. They were all in their 20s-30s. I hung out with them all the time. Sometimes in a group, and sometimes with them one on one. Some of them were guys, some were girls. While from the outside it may have seemed weird, they really were just great friends and there was NEVER anything inappropriate going on. People may wonder why a group of late 20 somethings and 30 somethings wanted to hang out with a 16 year old, but I just related to them better than teenagers my own age. Honestly they were the only friends where I completely felt like I was part of the group.

I'm just saying, it's not guaranteed that there is anything inappropriate going on. And if my parents had forbid me from hanging with any of them, even one on one with any of the guys, I would have been very upset.

I'm also glad my parents trusted me.

From a parent of 3, thank you for your post. Sometimes we just jump to conclusions. I'm overly protective.

I listen at the bedroom door when my kids are on the phone. I heard my DD15 on the phone, it was on speaker, and I listened and the guy she was talking to sounded older. I opened the door and demanded to know who she was speaking to. She hung up and was so mad. I made her call back the last number and even had the guy do a face time. My daughter was horrified. But I did it. And I saw he was a freshman. Long story short she told me "Mom, you are just going to have to deal with the fact that I'm going to talk to boys." Point well taken. But I'm still listening.

Before anyone thinks I'm over the top, it's because one of her girlfriends (who she is no longer friends with) ....
this... http://abclocal.go.com/kabc/story?section=news/local/orange_county&id=9304285

Parenting is not for wussies. It's so hard. My 24 year old son broke his collar bone riding a skateboard yesterday. Are we ever done?

ETA: You don't have to tell me I have issues. I know I do... That's a whole other thread

 

[ronandannette]

I've had him ask her over and despite it being late notice she said she'd love to come over tomorrow night, so I will try to size up the situation then and ask her some questions, in a non-accusing way. I haven't had nearly as much time with her as my son but she does seem to be a nice enough girl so I'm not going to do this in a way that will drive a wedge between us, I want to get to know her and see what she is really like and what her motivations could be. The last thing I want to do is cause my son to start lying, sneaking around, etc. He has always been a wonderful child to have and I don't want that to change. That's why I am trying to be very careful in my approach. I wish we had said something moms ago and if the roles were reversed I'm positive we would have, but as a PP said that ship has sailed. Now we need to just figure out if what is going on is on the up and up.
Edited to add I did not mean you said we should be accusing!

I'd be very open with her and would go into it assuming she sees herself as an adult friend/mentor - again I'll say this is very common amongst "church people". She may even consider it sort of a ministry if she has a particular heart for youth. Your meeting definitely doesn't need to start out adversarial. A woman of her age must understand that 16 y.o.'s are not completely autonomous and parental concern is not out of line, in fact I would find it odd if you weren't a little concerned. (FWIW, while we seldom restrict our DS's activities, we do at least require to know who he's with and where he's at.)

 

[bethy]

I think it's a concern. That is a really inappropriate age difference at those ages. IMO for example the age difference between a 22yo and a 39yo is not as big of a deal because they are both well into adulthood at that point.

Good luck OP. Gosh parenting is sooooo hard!!!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I think it's a concern. That is a really inappropriate age difference at those ages. IMO for example the age difference between a 22yo and a 39yo is not as big of a deal because they are both well into adulthood at that point.

Good luck OP. Gosh parenting is sooooo hard!!!

Yea right however thanks for the sentiment. I will repeat if often.

 

[mousears123]

I think they are dating. I would have her over for dinner and share things that make her aware of just how young he is.

What kinds of things do you mean, such as choosing a college or a major, that type of thing? (Things that she has already done, several years ago).

 

[OceanAnnie]

What kinds of things do you mean, such as choosing a college or a major, that type of thing? (Things that she has already done, several years ago).

I would mention his high school activities, high school grades, high school merits, & clubs. I'd also mention some of his boyish hobbies. Just boy this and boy that.

 

[ronandannette]

I think they are dating. I would have her over for dinner and share things that make her aware of just how young he is. Faced with the reality of her situation, she may change her views. Have 'the talk' with your son about birth control-his responsibilty-and all the other details. I would take him to the store and buy him condoms or at least put a box in his room.

I would mention his high school activities, high school grades, high school merits, & clubs. I'd also mention some of his boyish hobbies. Just boy this and boy that.

I am truly baffled.... If an adult woman is inadvertently romantically involved with your teenager without knowing his age WHY ON EARTH would you play games hoping she will "guess"?? Again I have to say that I doubt any parent on here would be sitting calmly by if this was a teenage girl and an adult man.