WWYD? Concerned

[chell]

From what you have said about his faith and hers as well, I don't think there is anything of a sexual nature going on between them. It could simply be that they are good friends and feel safe with one another. As a teen I had older friends who made me feel safe and I knew I had a great friend in them. As I got older, I was the safe friend.

Be careful in how you come across to your son. You know how kids are... I dated a guy for a while just because my mother didn't want me to. She was being forceful about it so I kept going oyt with him even though I wasn't really interested.

Hope your dinner with her goes well and puts your mind at ease.

 

[loveshak22]

I agree, based on the son's description of what they discuss, that there's nothing inappropriate going on. But demanding that another adult over whom one has no influence seems overkill. Discussing that makes much more sense.



Food for thought? Thats not even a little overreaction? What ever happened to innocent until proven guilty. Despite everything the OP has reported from talking to her son, almost everyone in this thread seems to have convicted the woman as a pervert and child molester.

Seems it would be difficult to consult someone before the dinner tonight. Police probably wouldn't be effective without proof of something, and an attorney on a Sunday to find iut "what happens if" is going to be expensive.

Whether we think she's a child molester or perv is somewhat irrelevant. It's inappropriate. Most 28 year old women would be out looking for someone to spend their life with and build a future, or at least out having a wild time before choosing to settle down. Sure some women want independence and aren't looking for marriage but this lady's discussions with OP's son about a 'pure' relationship make it seems she's wanting something. With that said , why go out with a 16 yo boy every week? You're not going to find someone hanging out with a 16 yo all the time....unless it's the 16 to you want. Other than their faith what do they have in common anyway? Nothing if she acted her age and I'm sure their church has youth groups the son could find friends his age that can discuss his faith with. Has she taken it too far? Maybe not but first she was texting him at 14, now she's going out with him alone where she sometimes lets him pay in his car (aka a date)...what do you have think could happen next, if it hasn't already?

 

[TinkerBelled]

Have you had a conversation with your son where you ask, "Are you dating?" and go from there? I think this scouting of the girl is fine, but if you want answers, you can try just talking to him directly--not accusingly, not angrily, just directly.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Food for thought?

Yeah, call it what you will. FYI, just so you know, whatever. Wouldn't you want to know if you were possibly committing a felony? Or at least teetering on that line? I would.

However, the preceding statute, Section 2907.03, specifies that sexual conduct between anyone under 18 and a teacher, administrator, or coach of the school they attend, a cleric, or other person in authority, is punishable as a felony of the third degree.

2907.03 Sexual battery.
(A) No person shall engage in sexual conduct with another, not the spouse of the offender, when any of the following apply:
(5) The offender is the other persons natural or adoptive parent, or a stepparent, or guardian, custodian, or person in loco parentis of the other person.
(7) The offender is a teacher, administrator, coach, or other person in authority employed by or serving in a school for which the state board of education prescribes minimum standards pursuant to division (D) of section 3301.07 of the Revised Code, the other person is enrolled in or attends that school, and the offender is not enrolled in and does not attend that school.
(8) The other person is a minor, the offender is a teacher, administrator, coach, or other person in authority employed by or serving in an institution of higher education, and the other person is enrolled in or attends that institution.
(9) The other person is a minor, and the offender is the other persons athletic or other type of coach, is the other persons instructor, is the leader of a scouting troop of which the other person is a member, or is a person with temporary or occasional disciplinary control over the other person.
(12) The other person is a minor, the offender is a cleric, and the other person is a member of, or attends, the church or congregation served by the cleric. {§ 2907.03}

Thats not even a little overreaction? What ever happened to innocent until proven guilty.

I don't think so. What ever happened to parenting your teen?

Seems it would be difficult to consult someone before the dinner tonight. Police probably wouldn't be effective without proof of something, and an attorney on a Sunday to find iut "what happens if" is going to be expensive.

Not really. Police are available 24/7 and phone consultations with attorneys are free. Additionally, they often have information on their websites. No need to discuss anything but generalities at this point. But obtaining information is something I think most concerned parents would want to do in this situation. To me it's preferable to reading about my son on The Huffington Post.

 

[luvsJack]

In defense of the OP, I can see how this came about without her being concerned in the beginning and how it could actually still be.

Our church has an absolutely wonderful youth minister. He is in his mid-twenties and is single. If dd went to him at some point with things she needed to talk about and if they started talking/texting regularly, I would not be concerned in the least.

Now, if they started "going out" as friends, alone, I would definitely be wanting to talk to him.

But, I know it wouldn't happen. He is a smart guy and would not put himself in that kind of situation. If he felt dd needed someone to talk to about their faith in that kind of private situation, he would either meet with her and have another adult from the church with him or he would come here or he would have a kind of "small group" type of thing with dd and a few other youth members.

This young lady may feel that she is giving the op's ds someone to talk about his faith with in a way that he cannot talk to other adults or other teens and it may all be very innocent and exactly what the boy says it is. But, she needs to understand that she is setting herself up to look bad. Maybe, in some tactful way, that is what needs to be brought to her attention.

If the op's ds wants to continue the friendship and it is just that, she needs to find a couple of other kids from the church to include in their outings and/or spend more time at his home with him and his parents.

 

[AC7179]

I have no idea what's going on here, but I will offer that high school was a lonely time for me. I had friends, but nobody who really understood me. Then I met a group of college kids when I was 15-16 and I loved hanging around them. I was just more comfortable. I zended up becoming roommates with one of them and are still friends with others years later.

Granted, these were not opposite sex relationships but maybe he's a little isolated in high school bc of his religious beliefs? Maybe he's going through something and has been able to confide in her?

Just thought.

 

[mom2rtk]

I have no idea what's going on here, but I will offer that high school was a lonely time for me. I had friends, but nobody who really understood me. Then I met a group of college kids when I was 15-16 and I loved hanging around them. I was just more comfortable. I zended up becoming roommates with one of them and are still friends with others years later.

Granted, these were not opposite sex relationships but maybe he's a little isolated in high school bc of his religious beliefs? Maybe he's going through something and has been able to confide in her?

Just thought.

This woman is beyond college age. And she's not a group.

 

[Disney Doll]

I think there has to be a happy medium somewhere between "don't do anything" and "call the police she's a child molester".

They go somewhere once a week.
How often do they text/talk?
Texting you could find out by checking your cell phone bill. DS would never need to know you checked.

I think if you're kid's been a good kid who has never lied to you, and you guys have always had a good honest relationship, then going off half-cocked about this isn't going to get you anywhere.

As far as purity discussions etc., without turning this into a religious post, my experience with religions that espouse purity is that it is very open and "talked about" so while it would not be the norm for someone practicing MY religion to discuss that, it may be more the norm for someone practicing the OP's religion to discuss it.

My parents always had the expectation that my brother and I would be good hinest people and we were/are. I think that often children will live up tot heir parents' expectations of them, good or bad.

 

[Tigerlulu]

He is still a minor child under your guardianship.

This!!!!

He is still a minor--you can limit his driving, social time and curfew time.

I went through a similar thing as a teenager. You cannot go nuclear! But you can control the situation. It's a fine line but must be done.

 

[ronandannette]

This!!!!

He is still a minor--you can limit his driving, social time and curfew time.

I went through a similar thing as a teenager. You cannot go nuclear! But you can control the situation. It's a fine line but must be done.

Depending on the circumstances it certainly can (and should) be done - I completely agree. And I DON'T agree with the idea that trying to do so will inevitably lead to full-on rebellion and a complete, permanent breakdown of the parent/child relationship. Many, if not most teenagers are not single-mindedly driven to simply "get what they want" at all costs. I firmly believe that lots of them get into the situations they do only because nobody steps in to stop them.

And if a "good" parent/child relationship is defined as one where a child is never restrained in any way, never has to submit to authority and can expect their every whim to be facilitated, well, that's not my experience with either my own parents or my child. Nor have any of us ever been afraid of completely alienating each other - come what may.

 

[skatalite]

I was a teenager in a friendship like this.

When I was 15 I began attending a church, and the youth group leader was a 24-year-old female college student. We became friends, and even after I left the church and she graduated with her masters, we remained friends. Within a year we were seeing one another every week. I was teaching her guitar. We would just hang out at her place, watch movies or basketball, grab a bite and play guitar. When she would leave town, she asked me to feed her cat. Typical friend stuff. Nothing romantic or sexual about it.

I'm now 29 and she's 38. She's been married for seven years and has two children. She's since moved away, but we still communicate through email, texts and Facebook. Still nothing romantic or sexual about it. Just a normal friendship that happened to begin when I was a teenager and her a 20-something.

OP: Trust your son's judgment.

 

[Tigerlulu]

Here's my experience (short version)

Started my first job at 16. Met a 19 yr old manager working his way through college. We started dating and my dad freaked. So for 6 months until I turned 17 we were not allowed to see each other. We wrote letters to each other than my best friend would get at her house.

My dad threatened to press charges. He didn't really have any proof (and we had not actually gone all the way). But just the situation was awful.

I married this boy and we just celebrated our 16th wedding anniversary. (Almost 20 years since our first date.)

I think we were made stronger by going through all that turmoil in the beginning. He was also always just a good guy. If charges had been pressed it would have been a disaster. Also, I was not a wild teenager at all.

However I now have a 15 yr old daughter. My unique perspective sucks! Bottom line is I am still her parent. My rules still apply. No dating until 16 and then only group dates until 18. I own the car bad control the car keys. And I set a curfew time appropriately for each activity she wants to do. 16 yr olds think they are grown up but they still require guidance and supervision. My dad liked my boyfriend but simply was not ok with my making that decision at 16. At 17 he was more ok with it even if it meant my making the same decision.

Simply put, a 16 year old (no matter how mature) is not ready to make the same decisions as a 17 yr old, as an 18 yr old and even as a 21 yr old.

I agree with not going nuclear. You have to find a fine line but a 28 yr old absolutely should not find themselves alone with a 16 yr old boy like that. They are religious--they should understand avoiding the "appearance of evil."

Another point--how many times in the past few years have we seen religious people taking advantage of younger people? Just saying--you cannot be too careful. You are his mother. If you have red flags screaming at you then do something!

My biggest advice is to pray for your son. Everyday. Earnestly. And pray for yourself as his mother!

 

[OceanAnnie]

Here's my experience (short version)

Started my first job at 16. Met a 19 yr old manager working his way through college. We started dating and my dad freaked. So for 6 months until I turned 17 we were not allowed to see each other. We wrote letters to each other than my best friend would get at her house.

My dad threatened to press charges. He didn't really have any proof (and we had not actually gone all the way). But just the situation was awful.

I married this boy and we just celebrated our 16th wedding anniversary. (Almost 20 years since our first date.)

I think we were made stronger by going through all that turmoil in the beginning. He was also always just a good guy. If charges had been pressed it would have been a disaster. Also, I was not a wild teenager at all.

However I now have a 15 yr old daughter. My unique perspective sucks! Bottom line is I am still her parent. My rules still apply. No dating until 16 and then only group dates until 18. I own the car bad control the car keys. And I set a curfew time appropriately for each activity she wants to do. 16 yr olds think they are grown up but they still require guidance and supervision. My dad liked my boyfriend but simply was not ok with my making that decision at 16. At 17 he was more ok with it even if it meant my making the same decision.

Simply put, a 16 year old (no matter how mature) is not ready to make the same decisions as a 17 yr old, as an 18 yr old and even as a 21 yr old.

I agree with not going nuclear. You have to find a fine line but a 28 yr old absolutely should not find themselves alone with a 16 yr old boy like that. They are religious--they should understand avoiding the "appearance of evil."

Another point--how many times in the past few years have we seen religious people taking advantage of younger people? Just saying--you cannot be too careful. You are his mother. If you have red flags screaming at you then do something!

My biggest advice is to pray for your son. Everyday. Earnestly. And pray for yourself as his mother!

That's true and it's also true of other people in positions of authority and trust (teachers, sports/dance instructors, even other parents!). I have seen numerous reports of people you like to think would never take advantage, but have. It's sad.

You have a tough situation. You have a good kid. It's just an odd relationship. Their ages have them in totally different places. Yes. Things could be on the up and up. But the potential for more is there too. I would be uncomfortable with the relationship.

 

[Green Tea]

I'm not sure why being religious seems to absolve impropriety. Mentors and church people are not always Godly.....Jerry Sandusky, Mary Kay LeTourno, hundreds of Roman Catholic priests......

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I notice the "faith" connection has come up many times. One can only assume wha that means. But, this woman is of an age where any serious relationship with a man of her own age is almost certainly going to involve sex - and pre-marital sex at that. She may be very uncomfortable with that and having no success with men of her own age because of it. Hanging out with a deeply religious teen may be removing that pressure from her while still providing companionship.

That wouldn't make it any less weird, but it could be an explanation.

 

[loveshak22]

But, I know it wouldn't happen. He is a smart guy and would not put himself in that kind of situation. If he felt dd needed someone to talk to about their faith in that kind of private situation, he would either meet with her and have another adult from the church with him or he would come here or he would have a kind of "small group" type of thing with dd and a few other youth members.

Exactly - he's a smart guy and wouldn't be so stupid. He would know it was inappropriate and he would know as a parent you wouldn't like it. I do agree with other posts that if it was a young girl/older man more people would be upset.

I have no idea what's going on here, but I will offer that high school was a lonely time for me. I had friends, but nobody who really understood me. Then I met a group of college kids when I was 15-16 and I loved hanging around them. I was just more comfortable. I zended up becoming roommates with one of them and are still friends with others years later.

I still think 15-16 and college age (18-21) is a lot different than 16 and 28. And like you said they were same sex and you hung out as groups.

Here's my experience (short version)

Started my first job at 16. Met a 19 yr old manager working his way through college. We started dating and my dad freaked. So for 6 months until I turned 17 we were not allowed to see each other. We wrote letters to each other than my best friend would get at her house.

16 and 19 is not that big a deal to me. I mean I could see how a parent would get upset but I dated a 19 year old when I was 16 but we started dating in high school and because of my birthday I was the youngest in my class and graduated at 17 and was a junior when he started college. So it wasn't as big a deal. To be a 4 year difference isn't a huge deal if it starts at 16 because freshman can date seniors and then the senior graduates and to me it's not that weird. Remember OP said her son was 14 when a 26 year old was texting her son regularly and now he's 16 and she's 28. If your dad freaked out with a 19 year old imagine what he would have done if they guy was 28?

I'm not sure why being religious seems to absolve impropriety. Mentors and church people are not always Godly.....Jerry Sandusky, Mary Kay LeTourno, hundreds of Roman Catholic priests......

Exactly! Look at the Catholic church!

 

[sbtrfly74]

This!!!!

He is still a minor--you can limit his driving, social time and curfew time.

I went through a similar thing as a teenager. You cannot go nuclear! But you can control the situation. It's a fine line but must be done.

Agree.

Even though this ship has already sailed, dont you have driving laws in your state that say when your teen driver is allowed to have passengers in the car?

You cant always control what they do once they leave the house but I used that one to my advantage. My DD was not allowed (by law) to have anyone else in the car except siblings for 6 months. Now they changed that to five but my now soon to be driving DD knows thats a rule.

Just because my DD was a nervous driver, we really only let her drive to and from work for about six months until we knew she was really comfortable driving by herself.

Like I said this ship has sailed but it seems you DS has a lot of freedom in his spare time at such a young age.

 

[handinpocket]

NORMAL 28 year old WOMEN, do not want to hang out with a 16 year old boy. Period.

 

[CanBeGrumpy]

It sounds fishy to me.

I'm 31; I'm guessing there are people here in their late 20's-early 30's. I just cannot imagine rewinding a couple of years and hanging out with a 16 year old guy solo. I just can't. Can anyone else, or is it just me? Frankly, I can't even imagine hanging out with a group of high schoolers, unless as part of a church youth group, in my free time. Hanging out with a 14-16 year old guy alone? I'm sorry, it just doesn't smell right. And even if it IS completely innocent, doesn't she have people her own age she can be sharing those experiences with?

And, I still think early 20s and 16-17 is still a little weird. I remember being just out of college and substitute teaching, and finding one of the older guys good-looking and chiding myself because it was completely creepy and inappropriate.

Another thing: with my college, we had trimesters, so I had the entire month of January off. By then, all my friends had gone back to school, so I hung out with my sister, 4 years younger, and her friends during that time. I didn't go out with high schoolers, but if they came over or they were having a card night and needed a fourth, I would hang out. There were guys amongst this group, none of which I saw as anything more than my sister's friends. One of them specifically was a guy that I was closer to than others....but we were always in a group. We were NEVER alone, with the exception of sometimes at ball games, we would sit alone for a quarter or an inning here and there. It never went further than hanging out in groups, I wasn't on FB at the time, so there was no contact there, never exchanged numbers. But, people thought it was VERY weird that we even sat together. And that was just a 4 year age difference.

And even then, it really felt like he was a little brother. Once I went back to college, we were at completely different stages in our lives. 28 and 17? Those are, or at least should be, waaaaaaaay different stages in life.

Just my two cents of course.

These are my thoughts exactly. I have a 17 year old son. I work with a LOT of people in the 28-30 year-old range, and I can't even imagine them wanting to hang out with my son. Even the guys, I can't imagine they would want a 17-year-old buddy. As Mmackeymouse said, they are at two completely different life stages. I would be concerned if this were my son, that is for sure.

 

[java]

I'm dying to know how it is going tonight. Good luck op!