WWYD? Concerned

[mousears123]

I have been a poster here for 4.5 years but am posting under a new username due to the nature of this topic..
My son (16.5) is a good kid, but lately I have been concerned over something that's been going on. Two years ago, he began volunteering in a program (he is no longer volunteering there due to now having a job after school, but he loved volunteering when he did it). His supervisor was a young lady mid-20s who was very nice and shared our faith and went to a similar church, so we appreciated her being his supervisor due to the good influence we felt she had on him. They worked closely together for almost two years and eventually exchanged phone numbers and were texting each other about program issues and that morphed into talking about school (his) and work (hers) and also exchanged emails. At that age we used to always check his emails and phone and never found anything inappropriate so we weren't concerned with it, they only talked about day to day things, and while we did wonder why someone her age would be interested in being friendly with a boy his age outside of the scope of the volunteer program, we never had to really worry because we were in on the texts and emails. We did talk to him about his interactions with her and he said that she was his friend. We noticed that a lot of times they talked about matters of faith which we liked because she has the sam,e values as us and hearing these things from someone who is not his parent sometimes makes it more "real". Fast forward to now, he is 16.5 and they still talk frequently and also see each other, ever since he began driving they have been going out and doing things- restaurants, concerts, etc. We have talked to him about it and he insists they are not considered dates and are just friends going out. We didn't stop him from texting and emailing back a couple years ago, but maybe we should have, because we are not really okay with the outings and things. Mostly because there is no accountability- with texts, we checked his phone, but with going places, there is no one watching, plus it involves riding in cars together. We have not really spoken much to the woman but maybe we should. I feel like I am not really ok with him going places with her, but at this point I don't know what to think, and we did open up the door for this by letting them email and text for the past two years. I am not sure what to do at this point, I don't want to "lay down the law" and then having him sneaking around, he has his driver's license so I don't want him lying to me about where he is (not that I think he would generally lie but if we demand they don't see each other at that point it might be easy for him to not understand and want to see her anyway as he has been for a years and then lie to us about where he is?)
I will be back later, I'm not sure what to do but I feel we have let this go on when we shouldnt have and not sure what to do now. I do not have a particular feeling that anything inappropriate is happening but it could.

 

[java]

Um how did they first go out? That was really a good place to address your concerns.
It's a bit late now. And I don't necesarrily think anything improper is going on. They may very well be just friends, but that is some age difference. So how old is she? 10 years at 16 is a big difference. Maturity wise especially. I'm sue your son is loving the attention. Does she hang out with you guys? Has she been over your house? What vibe do you get from her?

 

[Kellydelly]

I have been a poster here for 4.5 years but am posting under a new username due to the nature of this topic..
My son (16.5) is a good kid, but lately I have been concerned over something that's been going on. Two years ago, he began volunteering in a program (he is no longer volunteering there due to now having a job after school, but he loved volunteering when he did it). His supervisor was a young lady mid-20s who was very nice and shared our faith and went to a similar church, so we appreciated her being his supervisor due to the good influence we felt she had on him. They worked closely together for almost two years and eventually exchanged phone numbers and were texting each other about program issues and that morphed into talking about school (his) and work (hers) and also exchanged emails. At that age we used to always check his emails and phone and never found anything inappropriate so we weren't concerned with it, they only talked about day to day things, and while we did wonder why someone her age would be interested in being friendly with a boy his age outside of the scope of the volunteer program, we never had to really worry because we were in on the texts and emails. We did talk to him about his interactions with her and he said that she was his friend. We noticed that a lot of times they talked about matters of faith which we liked because she has the sam,e values as us and hearing these things from someone who is not his parent sometimes makes it more "real". Fast forward to now, he is 16.5 and they still talk frequently and also see each other, ever since he began driving they have been going out and doing things- restaurants, concerts, etc. We have talked to him about it and he insists they are not considered dates and are just friends going out. We didn't stop him from texting and emailing back a couple years ago, but maybe we should have, because we are not really okay with the outings and things. Mostly because there is no accountability- with texts, we checked his phone, but with going places, there is no one watching, plus it involves riding in cars together. We have not really spoken much to the woman but maybe we should. I feel like I am not really ok with him going places with her, but at this point I don't know what to think, and we did open up the door for this by letting them email and text for the past two years. I am not sure what to do at this point, I don't want to "lay down the law" and then having him sneaking around, he has his driver's license so I don't want him lying to me about where he is (not that I think he would generally lie but if we demand they don't see each other at that point it might be easy for him to not understand and want to see her anyway as he has been for a years and then lie to us about where he is?)
I will be back later, I'm not sure what to do but I feel we have let this go on when we shouldnt have and not sure what to do now. I do not have a particular feeling that anything inappropriate is happening but it could.

I would invite her over for dinner and see if you get any strange vibes from their interactions. I don't necessarily think it is weird or inappropriate for them to hang out together, she could just think of him as a little brother. My mom let me and my sister go out to movies and stuff with some older guys that were associated with our church when we were 14 and 15 and the guys were in their early twenties. Nothing romantic going on at all.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I have been a poster here for 4.5 years but am posting under a new username due to the nature of this topic..
My son (16.5) is a good kid, but lately I have been concerned over something that's been going on. Two years ago, he began volunteering in a program (he is no longer volunteering there due to now having a job after school, but he loved volunteering when he did it). His supervisor was a young lady mid-20s who was very nice and shared our faith and went to a similar church, so we appreciated her being his supervisor due to the good influence we felt she had on him. They worked closely together for almost two years and eventually exchanged phone numbers and were texting each other about program issues and that morphed into talking about school (his) and work (hers) and also exchanged emails. At that age we used to always check his emails and phone and never found anything inappropriate so we weren't concerned with it, they only talked about day to day things, and while we did wonder why someone her age would be interested in being friendly with a boy his age outside of the scope of the volunteer program, we never had to really worry because we were in on the texts and emails. We did talk to him about his interactions with her and he said that she was his friend. We noticed that a lot of times they talked about matters of faith which we liked because she has the sam,e values as us and hearing these things from someone who is not his parent sometimes makes it more "real". Fast forward to now, he is 16.5 and they still talk frequently and also see each other, ever since he began driving they have been going out and doing things- restaurants, concerts, etc. We have talked to him about it and he insists they are not considered dates and are just friends going out. We didn't stop him from texting and emailing back a couple years ago, but maybe we should have, because we are not really okay with the outings and things. Mostly because there is no accountability- with texts, we checked his phone, but with going places, there is no one watching, plus it involves riding in cars together. We have not really spoken much to the woman but maybe we should. I feel like I am not really ok with him going places with her, but at this point I don't know what to think, and we did open up the door for this by letting them email and text for the past two years. I am not sure what to do at this point, I don't want to "lay down the law" and then having him sneaking around, he has his driver's license so I don't want him lying to me about where he is (not that I think he would generally lie but if we demand they don't see each other at that point it might be easy for him to not understand and want to see her anyway as he has been for a years and then lie to us about where he is?)
I will be back later, I'm not sure what to do but I feel we have let this go on when we shouldnt have and not sure what to do now. I do not have a particular feeling that anything inappropriate is happening but it could.

It is clear that they are "going out" as friends and whether they have an intimate relationship remains to be seen.

Obviously since you are posting here, have you have seen some "red flags"?

If this was your daughter and this was a male in his 20's you probably would have not allowed this type of relationship in the first place. Just had to say that because I am sure others here will bring that up. That being said, that ship has sailed and no sense beating yourself up for it.

Now what should you do? This is really a tough one!!!

Your son is almost 17 and you say he is a "good kid". Even if they are dating and are intimate you cannot unring that bell.

If you FORBID him from seeing her then you will start WW3.

If you "turn a blind eye" then he lives with the guilt of lying to you.

I guess what I would tell you to do is to think about it in terms of IF they are having a relationship what would be a way for you and your family to deal with this so everyone does not go nuclear and escalate things to crazy town.

Bottom line he says they are friends, I would probably leave it at that for now.

 

[Tink888]

I have been a poster here for 4.5 years but am posting under a new username due to the nature of this topic..
My son (16.5) is a good kid, but lately I have been concerned over something that's been going on. Two years ago, he began volunteering in a program (he is no longer volunteering there due to now having a job after school, but he loved volunteering when he did it). His supervisor was a young lady mid-20s who was very nice and shared our faith and went to a similar church, so we appreciated her being his supervisor due to the good influence we felt she had on him. They worked closely together for almost two years and eventually exchanged phone numbers and were texting each other about program issues and that morphed into talking about school (his) and work (hers) and also exchanged emails. At that age we used to always check his emails and phone and never found anything inappropriate so we weren't concerned with it, they only talked about day to day things, and while we did wonder why someone her age would be interested in being friendly with a boy his age outside of the scope of the volunteer program, we never had to really worry because we were in on the texts and emails. We did talk to him about his interactions with her and he said that she was his friend. We noticed that a lot of times they talked about matters of faith which we liked because she has the sam,e values as us and hearing these things from someone who is not his parent sometimes makes it more "real". Fast forward to now, he is 16.5 and they still talk frequently and also see each other, ever since he began driving they have been going out and doing things- restaurants, concerts, etc. We have talked to him about it and he insists they are not considered dates and are just friends going out. We didn't stop him from texting and emailing back a couple years ago, but maybe we should have, because we are not really okay with the outings and things. Mostly because there is no accountability- with texts, we checked his phone, but with going places, there is no one watching, plus it involves riding in cars together. We have not really spoken much to the woman but maybe we should. I feel like I am not really ok with him going places with her, but at this point I don't know what to think, and we did open up the door for this by letting them email and text for the past two years. I am not sure what to do at this point, I don't want to "lay down the law" and then having him sneaking around, he has his driver's license so I don't want him lying to me about where he is (not that I think he would generally lie but if we demand they don't see each other at that point it might be easy for him to not understand and want to see her anyway as he has been for a years and then lie to us about where he is?)
I will be back later, I'm not sure what to do but I feel we have let this go on when we shouldnt have and not sure what to do now. I do not have a particular feeling that anything inappropriate is happening but it could.

I'm really not sure what I would do. Do you still check his texts? I think I would. How often are they hanging out together? Also, exactly how old is she? There's a huge difference (and age gap) between 21 and 26. If they are spending a lot of time together, the first thing that I think I'd do is invite her over. Get to know her and see how her and your son interact with each other and go from there.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Okay... this is a complex one to sort out.

If he is going on 17, to be honest, I think you are really limited in what your options are.

I am kind of getting the vibe that one of the problems/issues that you seem to be having is that this is no longer under your control... They are out on their own.... he is driving now... And, to be honest... that's the way it goes.... Join the club with a lot of other parents! Parenting is tough... Parenting is not for the feint of heart!

What are the statutory rape laws in your state?
What is the age of consent, and are there age-difference provisions.

Some states are 16 years of age.
In some states, it is adulthood at 18 years of age.
Some states have an age-difference provisions, where, for example, the oldest of the two can not be 4 years or more older than the minor.

I will tell you this...
If they have been hanging out, and probably have been for longer than you might realize, and if they are spending a lot of time alone... not with other friends, volunteers, church buddies, etc... Then I would be VERY surprised if this were 'innocent'....

If she is in her upper 20's, heading towards 30, then given the above, I would feel that it is not appropriate. The fact that they supposedly share some similar religious beliefs does not affect my views on that. Not at all.

But again, as many parents of 16-17 year olds know all too well.... Really.... what can you do... Seriously, there just isn't any way that you can keep them deadlocked in their room.

 

[ashley0139]

I can only speak from my personal experience, but I do have some. When I was 15-18 I had a great group of friends I met from community theatre. They were all in their 20s-30s. I hung out with them all the time. Sometimes in a group, and sometimes with them one on one. Some of them were guys, some were girls. While from the outside it may have seemed weird, they really were just great friends and there was NEVER anything inappropriate going on. People may wonder why a group of late 20 somethings and 30 somethings wanted to hang out with a 16 year old, but I just related to them better than teenagers my own age. Honestly they were the only friends where I completely felt like I was part of the group.

I'm just saying, it's not guaranteed that there is anything inappropriate going on. And if my parents had forbid me from hanging with any of them, even one on one with any of the guys, I would have been very upset.

I'm also glad my parents trusted me.

 

[MOpGrad2013]

Agree. Invite her over. Then have an adult conversation with both of them. Talk about the good and what concerns you in their relationship. I hope that since she is older, she will understand where you are coming from.
One of my sons has DTR (define the relationship) meetings at church. Since she has same faith as you, it's ok to share the outlook.
None of us want them to, but eventually they grow up. Just don't want your son to grow too fast.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Introduce him to a 16-year-old girl

 

[OceanAnnie]

That is a hard one.

Given the history it's likely they will remain friends. But, I think I would encourage my child to maybe spend less time with someone so much older and to spend more time with friends his own age.

How are his other friendships? Is the relationship taking away time from his guy friends?

I would encourage more involvement in school activities. This is a time to explore and find himself so to speak within his peer group. How are his grades? I imagine they are fine since I don't recall you mentioning them.

I guess I would have a global take on it. Not make the relationship a forbidden fruit kind of thing.

It could be all on the up and up. But girls mature quicker than guys. So I would be mindful of that. I'd be concerned about a one on one relationship like that blossoming.

Are you still reading his texts?

Good luck with approaching it. Mine are just thoughts. I really don't know exactly how I would broach it.

 

[Janepod]

What are you concerned is going on?

What concerns you about this woman that would not concern you if it were someone closer to his age?

 

[Wishing on a star]

Well, my honest take, IMHO, if the age difference is what I am assuming here, then this would be a concern/factor.

 

[mousears123]

will answer more later but as for age im sorry i thought i posted that in my OP and didnt, she was 25 when they met and recently turned 28

 

[The Mystery Machine]

will answer more later but as for age im sorry i thought i posted that in my OP and didnt, she was 25 when they met and recently turned 28

What is done is done. You say your son is a good kid. I would just let him be to be honest.

My dd who is 22 is moving out this weekend in with her BF who is almost 40. So try that on for size if you need to feel better.

As others here stated, kids grow up and you have to just roll with it sometimes.

 

[Wishing on a star]

So, your son is a teenaged minor, and she is nearing 30....

Yep, that kind of age difference at 16.5 years of age would be a concern.

( I do feel like a situation at 22 years of age is different than at 16.)

 

[mousears123]

I checked for the age of consent in our state and it is 16. So I guess there's not a lot I can do even if something I don't like is going on.

The first time they went out was right after he got his temps, she took him out for ice cream which was fine with me, I didn't realize at the time it would become a weekly thing. They went out only once in a while, but once he got his license it has been weekly, he will ask her or she will ask him and they go out to dinner, they went to a concert and she took him to the creation museum which is in Kentucky about an hour and a half away from us.

 

[Colleen27]

I agree with the idea of having her over for dinner, just to scope out the situation. Body language and eye contact and such speak volumes, if you KWIM.

It could very well be that it is completely innocent. I had much older friends at that age because of my interest in theatre and music, some of whom I went out with one-on-one, but there was never anything romantic or sexual about it. I never really "clicked" with kids my own age and it was just a social group that I could relate to better than others. Your son and this girl share a certain level of interest in/devotion to their faith, and that's something that can be quite outside the mainstream at your son's age. It is very possible that he's just happy to have someone he can talk freely with about these things.

 

[abdmom]

I checked for the age of consent in our state and it is 16. So I guess there's not a lot I can do even if something I don't like is going on.

The first time they went out was right after he got his temps, she took him out for ice cream which was fine with me, I didn't realize at the time it would become a weekly thing. They went out only once in a while, but once he got his license it has been weekly, he will ask her or she will ask him and they go out to dinner, they went to a concert and she took him to the creation museum which is in Kentucky about an hour and a half away from us.

There is a difference between age of consent and sex between a minor and a supervisor.

If you are in Ohio (maybe you're not, but it's a guess), there is a small part of the statute that reads

However, the preceding statute, Section 2907.03, specifies that sexual conduct between anyone under 18 and a teacher, administrator, or coach of the school they attend, a cleric, or other person in authority, is punishable as a felony of the third degree.

2907.03 Sexual battery.
(A) No person shall engage in sexual conduct with another, not the spouse of the offender, when any of the following apply:
(5) The offender is the other person’s natural or adoptive parent, or a stepparent, or guardian, custodian, or person in loco parentis of the other person.
(7) The offender is a teacher, administrator, coach, or other person in authority employed by or serving in a school for which the state board of education prescribes minimum standards pursuant to division (D) of section 3301.07 of the Revised Code, the other person is enrolled in or attends that school, and the offender is not enrolled in and does not attend that school.
(8) The other person is a minor, the offender is a teacher, administrator, coach, or other person in authority employed by or serving in an institution of higher education, and the other person is enrolled in or attends that institution.
(9) The other person is a minor, and the offender is the other person’s athletic or other type of coach, is the other person’s instructor, is the leader of a scouting troop of which the other person is a member, or is a person with temporary or occasional disciplinary control over the other person.
(12) The other person is a minor, the offender is a cleric, and the other person is a member of, or attends, the church or congregation served by the cleric. {§ 2907.03}

Since the relationship started when your ds was a volunteer supervised by this woman, she is on a very slippery slope.

 

[usnuzuloose]

This issue needs to be taken up with the pastor, and promptly.

 

[Mrs.Malone]

I checked for the age of consent in our state and it is 16. So I guess there's not a lot I can do even if something I don't like is going on.

The first time they went out was right after he got his temps, she took him out for ice cream which was fine with me, I didn't realize at the time it would become a weekly thing. They went out only once in a while, but once he got his license it has been weekly, he will ask her or she will ask him and they go out to dinner, they went to a concert and she took him to the creation museum which is in Kentucky about an hour and a half away from us.

That's pretty unmistakably dating. It's outside our cultural norms for a mid-20s woman to date a 16-year old. I don't like the fact that she apparently took an interest in him when he was 14. I would have to have her over and have them do a DTR He is still a minor child under your guardianship.
I have to think that if the situation were reversed (older man, teen girl) people would be looking at this differently.