WWYD? Concerned

[diznygirl]

I am truly baffled.... If an adult woman is inadvertently romantically involved with your teenager without knowing his age WHY ON EARTH would you play games hoping she will "guess"?? Again I have to say that I doubt any parent on here would be sitting calmly by if this was a teenage girl and an adult man.

I don't think they mean to have her guess his age - it seems clear that she already knows his age. I think those posters mean to stress how young he actually is, that he is more boy than man at this age.

But I don't think dancing around the issue is necessary. A lot of harm comes from trying to be polite and not hurt anyone's feelings. She's too old to date him and I think I would be clear on that if I were in the OP's shoes.

 

[LisaR]

Op'er, you said they have gone out to dinner, ice cream, the museum, etc. Out of curiosity, have you asked your son who pays? Him? Her? Dutch?

 

[ronandannette]

I don't think they mean to have her guess his age - it seems clear that she already knows his age. I think those posters mean to stress how young he actually is, that he is more boy than man at this age.

But I don't think dancing around the issue is necessary. A lot of harm comes from trying to be polite and not hurt anyone's feelings. She's too old to date him and I think I would be clear on that if I were in the OP's shoes.

For the record, I'm one of the posters that DOESN'T assume this is a romantic relationship. But if it is the only appropriate action is to have a very blunt discussion with the woman and DEMAND that she end the relationship. There is no scenario in which any possible good can come from allowing it to continue and for that matter, I would never let the fear of my DS's possible rebellion stop me.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Hmm, that's interesting. As the mom of a 16.5 yr old DS, I can't imagine him being interested in hanging out with a woman that age. He has a cousin that age, and they are on eachother's Instagrams and whatnot, but that's about the extent of it. (DS has more in common with her husband than her.)

At any rate, a few random thoughts.

I suppose it's a good sign she was so willing to come over tomorrow night.

She MUST know you're concerned and are inviting her over for that reason.

I think if it were me and I was sure about it, I would print up that statute that abdmom posted and give it to her as "food for thought" when we had a few minutes to talk alone. I'm sure I would also tell her, in no uncertain terms, that I'd seriously hope that nothing inappropriate was going on between them. Yup, I'd just put it out there, woman to woman. That might be enough to make her re-think their relationship. (I think I'd also do more homework before meeting her. Is there someone you can consult to find out the legalities of it in your state, for sure? Police? Attorney?)

Something my pediatrician told me when we had a difficult situation with another person one time: remember that you have to worry about your son and she has to worry about herself. In other words, she is not your concern, your son is. I know you know that, but I thought I'd say it anyway because I found it helpful to keep in mind when things at times got a little confusing.

I'm not sure I subscribe to the philosophy of "leaving things alone because they're going to do it anyway". And I know for sure my DH doesn't, lol. Could it be possible your son is feeling a little overwhelmed with things and secretly desires for you to step in and "save him from himself"? IME kids don't always admit it in the heat of the moment, but sometimes upon reflection will say they were thankful for it, even if they may not have realized it themselves at the time. So maybe he wants you to step in...

 

[loveshak22]

I don't have kids but I would be worried for any 16 year old hanging out regularly with a 28 year old by themselves. In groups that's one thing but it seems like the relationship keeps growing...texting at 14 with her being 26? Now they go out all the time just the two of them? What's next?

When I was 28 I had absolutely no interest in hanging out with teenagers, even ones that shared my faith. I find it really odd and I think you should trust your gut. It sounds like you feel like something is wrong but are trying to convince yourself that maybe it's not by saying he's a good kid, he's active with a lot of people his age, he makes good grades, she seems nice, they have the same faith, etc. And all of that is the truth but it still feels like you are uncomfortable anyway. I am a firm believer that people should trust their gut instinct...what is it truly telling you?

In the end, you are his mother. You have every right to sit down and have a frank conversation with him. While it may not work to forbid him to see her, if he's a good kid you should be able to explain to him why it's not appropriate to continue to see the woman. You can let him know in the end you can't stop him but as his mother you'd like him to respect your wishes. It sounds like he has a ton of other friends, school activities, a job...if there is nothing going on with this woman it should be easy for him to cut back how much he's seeing her or see her on occasion with friends. If he fights you about seeing her less then I think that's your answer...

I've read other posts on here where people said they hung out with friends older than them and again, in groups or on occasion if people are together after an event that's one thing but texts with a 14 year old and now regular "dates" (for lack of a better word) between the two of them is inappropriate.

It also concerns me that she's discussing her dating or sexual beliefs with him regarding what is and isn't "pure."

I also think it's weird that if she sees herself more as a "mentor" of friend that she hasn't tried to talk to you more. She has to know you'd think it was odd and I'm surprised she wouldn't go out of her way to talk to you so you know everything is truly on the up-and-up.

Good luck. I hope at dinner you get a better feeling about everything!!

 

[loveshak22]

You're right because it would be much easier for an older man to physically overpower a teenage girl than it would be for a 20-something year old woman to physiclly overpower a teenage boy. Call it whatever kind of double standard you want, bu that is the reality of the situation.

OP, is your son hanging exclusively with this woman or does he also hang out with kids his own age??????

Statutory rape doesn't have anything to do with "overpowering" someone physically. Most 12-18 year olds can be vulnerable to the manipulations of older adults. Hormones are raging, they want to find themselves, they have a need to be accepted and the pervs know how to manipulate those feelings to take advantage of pre-teens/young teens. The law is meant to protect those that don't yet have the capabilities to protect themselves from those who see them as easy prey.

 

[mmackeymouse]

It sounds fishy to me.

I'm 31; I'm guessing there are people here in their late 20's-early 30's. I just cannot imagine rewinding a couple of years and hanging out with a 16 year old guy solo. I just can't. Can anyone else, or is it just me? Frankly, I can't even imagine hanging out with a group of high schoolers, unless as part of a church youth group, in my free time. Hanging out with a 14-16 year old guy alone? I'm sorry, it just doesn't smell right. And even if it IS completely innocent, doesn't she have people her own age she can be sharing those experiences with?

And, I still think early 20s and 16-17 is still a little weird. I remember being just out of college and substitute teaching, and finding one of the older guys good-looking and chiding myself because it was completely creepy and inappropriate.

Another thing: with my college, we had trimesters, so I had the entire month of January off. By then, all my friends had gone back to school, so I hung out with my sister, 4 years younger, and her friends during that time. I didn't go out with high schoolers, but if they came over or they were having a card night and needed a fourth, I would hang out. There were guys amongst this group, none of which I saw as anything more than my sister's friends. One of them specifically was a guy that I was closer to than others....but we were always in a group. We were NEVER alone, with the exception of sometimes at ball games, we would sit alone for a quarter or an inning here and there. It never went further than hanging out in groups, I wasn't on FB at the time, so there was no contact there, never exchanged numbers. But, people thought it was VERY weird that we even sat together. And that was just a 4 year age difference.

And even then, it really felt like he was a little brother. Once I went back to college, we were at completely different stages in our lives. 28 and 17? Those are, or at least should be, waaaaaaaay different stages in life.

Just my two cents of course.

 

[mousears123]

Op'er, you said they have gone out to dinner, ice cream, the museum, etc. Out of curiosity, have you asked your son who pays? Him? Her? Dutch?

I have asked him that, he said they take turns. He told me she has said that she doesn't really like him paying because she says he should be saving his money and not spending it on her, however, he doesn't like to just let her pay all the time, so usually they take turns.

In other money issues they do give each other gifts on holidays, but it's usually just candy and a friendship type of card (not a love type of card)
She did give him a keychain when he got his driver's license, it was a keychain with his name put on it, and it was the kind you have engraved, no the kind you buy with the name already on it. I have no idea if that was expensive or not.
Oh wait when we went to Europe each summer (we go each summer to visit home) he always brings her back a gift...but then again he brings all his friends a gift, so..that may mean nothing.

 

[Sadie22]

It may be entirely innocent. However, a leader of youth hanging out alone with a youth group member would not be allowed by our church. More than one young person and at least two adults at all times is the rule, whether on the church premises or traveling to another location for an activity. All volunteers and employees receive training for this for the protection of all youth. Even if on the adult's own time, behavior like this could be grounds for termination of employment or not being permitted to continue in the volunteer position. The rules have been put in place for the protection of all the young people.

It may be entirely innocent, but there have been many cases of a man or woman "grooming" a youth, gaining the young person's trust, and later taking advantage of that trust. When a young person is harmed, it is most often by someone that young person knows and trusts.

 

[PizzieDuster]

Statutory rape doesn't have anything to do with "overpowering" someone physically. Most 12-18 year olds can be vulnerable to the manipulations of older adults. Hormones are raging, they want to find themselves, they have a need to be accepted and the pervs know how to manipulate those feelings to take advantage of pre-teens/young teens. The law is meant to protect those that don't yet have the capabilities to protect themselves from those who see them as easy prey.

Yep.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/01/15/andrea-clevenger-rape-boy_n_4603614.html

 

[lizzi6692]

I would definitely talk to them about it but you need to realize that if they are romantically involved there is really nothing you can do about it and still have a good relationship with your son. Everyone on the thread has pretty much covered the parent angle, but no one has really posted from your son's perspective.

About 5 years ago, I was in a situation similar to your sons. I was almost 17 and I met a man who just turned 28. And while I realize these situations often turn out bad, in my case it didn't(and I doubt I'm so special that I'm the only person who has ever had a happy ending in one of these stories). In April, we'll have been together 5 years and married for 3 1/2.

When my parents found out they certainly weren't happy. Luckily I had my mom on my side and she became the voice of reason between me and my father. Unfortunately my relationship with my father has never fully recovered due in big part to his refusal to meet me halfway. I would love to mend fences with him but he barely speaks to me and will probably never be willing to take responsibility for his half of the blame. If they are dating try to look past the age difference and give it a chance before interfering. I'm not saying that this is definitely a healthy situation but jumping to conclusions won't turn out well for anyone.

And involving any sort of authorities should be a last resort and only done if you have actual proof of wrong doing. If they are dating it doesn't mean they're sexually active(and before you roll your eyes, it's possible, me and my DH refrained until a couple months before we got married) and even if they are that doesn't immediately mean anyone is doing anything wrong. You will ruin her life if you make that call. Even if everything turns out to be innocent, the accusation will never go away. Make sure she deserves it if you have to make that decision.

 

[kaytieeldr]

For the record, I'm one of the posters that DOESN'T assume this is a romantic relationship. But if it is the only appropriate action is to have a very blunt discussion with the woman and DEMAND that she end the relationship. There is no scenario in which any possible good can come from allowing it to continue and for that matter, I would never let the fear of my DS's possible rebellion stop me.

I agree, based on the son's description of what they discuss, that there's nothing inappropriate going on. But demanding that another adult over whom one has no influence seems overkill. Discussing that makes much more sense.

I think if it were me and I was sure about it, I would print up that statute that abdmom posted and give it to her as "food for thought" when we had a few minutes to talk alone. I'm sure I would also tell her, in no uncertain terms, that I'd seriously hope that nothing inappropriate was going on between them. Yup, I'd just put it out there, woman to woman. That might be enough to make her re-think their relationship. (I think I'd also do more homework before meeting her. Is there someone you can consult to find out the legalities of it in your state, for sure? Police? Attorney?)

Food for thought? Thats not even a little overreaction? What ever happened to innocent until proven guilty. Despite everything the OP has reported from talking to her son, almost everyone in this thread seems to have convicted the woman as a pervert and child molester.

Seems it would be difficult to consult someone before the dinner tonight. Police probably wouldn't be effective without proof of something, and an attorney on a Sunday to find iut "what happens if" is going to be expensive.

 

[java]

I had the opposite experience. I was 18 (not 16) and started dating someone in his 30's. Yes he was twice my age. I enjoyed having someone really take me out. We went to very nice places. But eventually realized I was enjoying the places more than I was enjoying him. When he tried to get me to go on my spring break trip with him I broke it off. We were not intimate at that time and I knew that trip would change that and I didn't want that. Thinking back really I can't imagine what we had in common. I started to feel like a trophy, we would often "bump into" a friend of his. My friends thought he was creepy and would remind me how old he would be when I was x years old. I guess I just never felt the magic. I still can't believe my Mom let me date him. She now says she could tell I wasn't that into him so she wasn't worried(she didn't know about Spring Break)

I would definitely talk to them about it but you need to realize that if they are romantically involved there is really nothing you can do about it and still have a good relationship with your son. Everyone on the thread has pretty much covered the parent angle, but no one has really posted from your son's perspective.

About 5 years ago, I was in a situation similar to your sons. I was almost 17 and I met a man who just turned 28. And while I realize these situations often turn out bad, in my case it didn't(and I doubt I'm so special that I'm the only person who has ever had a happy ending in one of these stories). In April, we'll have been together 5 years and married for 3 1/2.

When my parents found out they certainly weren't happy. Luckily I had my mom on my side and she became the voice of reason between me and my father. Unfortunately my relationship with my father has never fully recovered due in big part to his refusal to meet me halfway. I would love to mend fences with him but he barely speaks to me and will probably never be willing to take responsibility for his half of the blame. If they are dating try to look past the age difference and give it a chance before interfering. I'm not saying that this is definitely a healthy situation but jumping to conclusions won't turn out well for anyone.

And involving any sort of authorities should be a last resort and only done if you have actual proof of wrong doing. If they are dating it doesn't mean they're sexually active(and before you roll your eyes, it's possible, me and my DH refrained until a couple months before we got married) and even if they are that doesn't immediately mean anyone is doing anything wrong. You will ruin her life if you make that call. Even if everything turns out to be innocent, the accusation will never go away. Make sure she deserves it if you have to make that decision.

 

[lizzi6692]

I had the opposite experience. I was 18 (not 16) and started dating someone in his 30's. Yes he was twice my age. I enjoyed having someone really take me out. We went to very nice places. But eventually realized I was enjoying the places more than I was enjoying him. When he tried to get me to go on my spring break trip with him I broke it off. We were not intimate at that time and I knew that trip would change that and I didn't want that. Thinking back really I can't imagine what we had in common. I started to feel like a trophy, we would often "bump into" a friend of his. My friends thought he was creepy and would remind me how old he would be when I was x years old. I guess I just never felt the magic. I still can't believe my Mom let me date him. She now says she could tell I wasn't that into him so she wasn't worried(she didn't know about Spring Break)

I know my experience isn't the norm. I was just putting it out there to show that it can happen to discourage the op from jumping to conclusions and handling things wrong. And that doesn't mean letting him do whatever he wants. Definitely have boundaries and maintain an open line of communication with your son about what is going on.

I actually experienced too different sides of "bad reactions". My dad got pissed off and refused to even consider that DH was anything but a pervert. If it hadn't been for mom he would have called the cops the first time they met. My mom on the other hand was a little too permissive. She was so afraid of what I might do basically let us do what we want and just kind of tried to pretend it wasn't happening. I wish she had been more involved. I think my relationship with both my parents would have been better if they had given us reasonable boundaries and actually communicated with me about what was going on.

And I'd just like to say one more thing to the OP. If it turns out they are romantically involved in a healthy way, which I do believe is a possible outcome and while unlikely is still something you should prepare for, at least try to be happy for your son even if you don't approve. My mom seems to have learned that now, but I still remember coming home after a weekend trip with DH(BF at the time) during which he had proposed and all I got from my mom was an obviously forced smile and my father never even acknowledged it at all. Something that should be a happy memory for me will always be marred by their reactions.

 

[Carys]

It's not normal for a woman in her late 20s to want to spend a lot of time hanging out with a 16 year old boy, let alone date one. Where are her friends to tell her she's being (in my opinion) creepy? Something's not right - another vote for "talk to the pastor."

 

[java]

I have friends that parent in the ignorance is bliss type of way. I'm sorry your Mom acted that way. As a parent it's a hard line to walk.if my 16 year was dating a 28 year old I fear I would be in the no way now how camp. I hope I would explain my concerns calmly but in the situation I can see how panic could take over. Know that your parents were worried for you. And I'm sure loved you. I hope you can rebuild your relationship with them. And I'm happy you are happy.
I read your pre trip report and what saddened me is how excited you were to take your sister only to have that part dissolve. And although her reason sounds valid I wouldn't be surprised if your parents had a big part in that decision. Think about it from their perspective. Letting their 14 year old go with her 21 year old sister's 30 something husband. If they still think he is a perv(even after years of marriage) I could see them being concerned. I hope you had a great time on your trip.

I know my experience isn't the norm. I was just putting it out there to show that it can happen to discourage the op from jumping to conclusions and handling things wrong. And that doesn't mean letting him do whatever he wants. Definitely have boundaries and maintain an open line of communication with your son about what is going on.

I actually experienced too different sides of "bad reactions". My dad got pissed off and refused to even consider that DH was anything but a pervert. If it hadn't been for mom he would have called the cops the first time they met. My mom on the other hand was a little too permissive. She was so afraid of what I might do basically let us do what we want and just kind of tried to pretend it wasn't happening. I wish she had been more involved. I think my relationship with both my parents would have been better if they had given us reasonable boundaries and actually communicated with me about what was going on.

And I'd just like to say one more thing to the OP. If it turns out they are romantically involved in a healthy way, which I do believe is a possible outcome and while unlikely is still something you should prepare for, at least try to be happy for your son even if you don't approve. My mom seems to have learned that now, but I still remember coming home after a weekend trip with DH(BF at the time) during which he had proposed and all I got from my mom was an obviously forced smile and my father never even acknowledged it at all. Something that should be a happy memory for me will always be marred by their reactions.

 

[lizzi6692]

I have friends that parent in the ignorance is bliss type of way. I'm sorry your Mom acted that way. As a parent it's a hard line to walk.if my 16 year was dating a 28 year old I fear I would be in the no way now how camp. I hope I would explain my concerns calmly but in the situation I can see how panic could take over. Know that your parents were worried for you. And I'm sure loved you. I hope you can rebuild your relationship with them. And I'm happy you are happy.
I read your pre trip report and what saddened me is how excited you were to take your sister only to have that part dissolve. And although her reason sounds valid I wouldn't be surprised if your parents had a big part in that decision. Think about it from their perspective. Letting their 14 year old go with her 21 year old sister's 30 something husband. If they still think he is a perv(even after years of marriage) I could see them being concerned. I hope you had a great time on your trip.

Believe me I tried very hard to understand where my parents were coming from and I certainly didn't expect them to jump on board right away. It wasn't the knee jerk reaction that bothered me it was what came after that was the problem.

For the most part the relationship with my mom is fixed and both my parents have come to accept DH. The problems between me and my father go deeper than just what happened when he met DH, that was just the last straw for me. Maybe one day he'll be willing to meet me halfway but I spent most of my life watching him blame everyone else, including myself, for things that were at least partially if not entirely his fault and I won't let him treat me that way anymore. There are things that I did wrong that I would gladly take responsibility for if only he was willing to do the same.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Believe me I tried very hard to understand where my parents were coming from and I certainly didn't expect them to jump on board right away. It wasn't the knee jerk reaction that bothered me it was what came after that was the problem.

For the most part the relationship with my mom is fixed and both my parents have come to accept DH. The problems between me and my father go deeper than just what happened when he met DH, that was just the last straw for me. Maybe one day he'll be willing to meet me halfway but I spent most of my life watching him blame everyone else, including myself, for things that were at least partially if not entirely his fault and I won't let him treat me that way anymore. There are things that I did wrong that I would gladly take responsibility for if only he was willing to do the same.

I feel your pain but at times like these I would say to you, "don't look back, you not going that way". Always move forward.

 

[Schmeck]

Simple solution - denounce your faith, pack up, and move. Yes, I am completely, totally joking. But really, you got him into the religion, it sounds like she is someone who feels strongly about it too, and now you're concerned because he's spending time with someone (maybe the only person he knows) who has the same values that he does?

Have you asked your son about the relationship? Have you asked him if they kiss, hold hands, pet, have sex?

 

[Surfinpiratee]

I wouldn't worry. ..its very possible they're rely just going out as friends. Nothing sounds suspicious based on what you said, so why worry?