WWYD? Concerned

[Poohforyou]

Op, I truly hope this is just an innocent first crush on your son's part and he doesn't get his heart broken or worse. I personally find the whole thing very odd and highly inappropriate. I have a 14 yo dd and no way no how would something like this even be allowed to begin. I also don't get the checking texts and emails at 14 but not at 16 when hormones are raging.

 

[lillygator]

I would look at his phone when he puts it down.

 

[skatalite]

To the OP:

What if, when your son turns 18, he begins having a relationship with this woman. Then, by 20, he's married. By 22, they've given you a grandchild or two. She's happy. He's happy. They're a great couple and totally jive with one another. How would you feel then? Would you look back at when he was 16 and was friends with her as a bad thing still?

 

[AC7179]

You and I have very different beliefs, and my goal is not to offend you.

That said, I would think that finding one to share the same beliefs makes a large pond, VERY, VERY small. If she has grown up with the same kind of beliefs, which appear to be Gothard-esque, there is a VERY GOOD chance that she is........well, stunted for lack of a better word. That sounds negative but my meaning is not a typical 28 year old. I think of the Duggar girls, of course, and how even the oldest at 22 is still living at home, fully under Father's rule and being a sister-mom to the other kids. She's not going to be a typical 28 year old when the time comes, and may be able to find companionship with someone younger and see them as her equal because she's missing the life experiences that mature others.

And not making fun, but I did giggle about how they don't pray together. I've heard a lot of rules about what one can and can't do, but pray has never been on the list!

I wish you and your family the best!

 

[kkandaj]

I'm surprised with all the strict boundaries that are set by your religion (no kissing until the wedding day, homeschooling or christian school, praying together because that creates intimacy, etc.) that there are also no strict boundaries regarding an adult of the opposite gender having a relationship like this with a teenager.

I was raised in a strict, religious home. I was very involved in the youth group and at no time was an adult leader supposed to be alone with a teen of the opposite gender. I know that if a relationship like this was discussed in our church (the church my parents still attend) they would be told to stop this relationship immediately. DH and I went through a marriage course with marriage mentors and they don't even allow opposite gender mentors (wife mentors a wife, husband mentors a husband).

If you asked your pastor about this relationship, I would be really surprised if he/she saw nothing wrong with a 28 year old woman and a 16 year old boy hanging out once a week and texting more often than that.

ETA: By your DS saying he "wanted you to see how great she is", I would be concerned that even though the relationship may be innocent now, he may have a crush on her and his heart may get broken.

I also agree that very few of us would think this relationship was okay if the genders were reversed.

 

[sk!mom]

OP I wish you all the best in all of this. I read through this thread but I have to say that IMO unless the 28 year old is severely socially delayed there would be no reason or longing for her to have weekly "dates" with a 16 year old. I understand from what you have posted that you are very religious and that is great. That doesn't however prevent a mind and body from behaving differently even if that is not the original intention. I hate to say this but I feel like you are creating a false sense of security based on your religion. The facts are though that you have a 28 year old WOMAN spending imo an innappropriate amount of time with your 16 year old TEEN. Personally I would never let that occur with my daughters or sons. It is simply not socially appropriate at all. There is no "connection". They shouldn't even have that much in common. How much church can they talk about? Her own friends don't understand it. There is a reason for that. I am sorry if this comes across as harsh but I think you are putting your son in a precarious position. If the situation were reversed and it was a man and your daughter I bet most people would see it as she is being "groomed" for him. You mention sexual sin can be forgiven and would need to stop. However, once it is done no amount of prayer and forgiveness can unring that bell. Let your son develop at the pace he is meant to. Not as a grown person. He is 16. Let him be 16. I am sorry but I don't believe anything good can or is coming of this situation. Good luck.

Agree with this 100%.

 

[Ceila]

What would I do? I'd have stopped it 2 years ago when the then-26 year old was texting the then-14 year old. That's just creepy.

 

[Schmeck]

Why don't you just lock him up in a convent? He's been indoctrinated into a very strict/restrictive faith, finds someone with the same interests, and even that's not OK?

 

[Wishing on a star]

Why don't you just lock him up in a convent?

No, that is not what anyone is saying....
Haven't heard that at all.


Faith does absolutely nothing to make a personally intimate relationship between a 14-15-16 year old child and an adult well into their 20's any less inappropriate.

 

[luvsJack]

No, that is not what anyone is saying....
Haven't heard that at all.


Faith does absolutely nothing to make a personally intimate relationship between a 14-15-16 year old child and an adult well into their 20's any less inappropriate.

I don't know that I could say I would be ok with this friendship but its not "personally intimate". If what the young woman is saying is true, they have set boundaries according to their faith.



This is a 20 something woman that, by the restrictions of her faith, has not kissed a man. And a 16 year old teen that will not kiss a girl until marriage by those same restrictions.

It must be very hard to find someone like minded so I can understand their wanting/needing this friendship.

I think the OP inviting her to church to meet men her age that have the same beliefs is a good thing, as it must be very hard to meet those men. When that happens, it is likely that this friendship will run its course.

The OP hasn't said that the boy is letting go of all his own friends and activities normal for a teen boy; that is also a good sign. Maybe he likes a girl his own age and because of his faith is unsure of what to do. Maybe this young woman is the perfect person to talk to about it because of the issues she has had in a relationships.

To assume something is "going on" really isn't fair to this young woman or to the OP's son. They sound very strong in their faith and that in itself would stop that from happening.

I think, if it was me and my teen, I would suggest that if they want to continue the friendship, that they spend time at the OP's home or find other people from the OP's church to include on outings. Just from the thoughts on this thread, its obvious that she needs to protect herself from accusations and this would put the OP's mind at ease once and for all.

 

[Tiggeroo]

I didn't read everything. A young lady I know who is 25 recently married a man who is 50. He was the leader of a youth group she was involved in. She also babysat for his children. Not sure when the relationship began because much of it was kept secret. However, I know there was something going on when she was 19. Many people here are, at least publicly, telling them how happy they are for them. I doubt they know this began when she was at the oldest 19. His ex is furious and the children are upset. Also, a young lady I know became pregnant when she was 16 and the father was the 26yo youth leader who her family was allowing to stay with them. I'm not trying to scare you. I know many wonderful leaders and my children have had great youth leaders who are still mentors to them to this day. I don't know what I would do. It's tough because he probably views himself as an adult. I'm saying that not all youth leaders are what they should be. However, having raised three I know forbidding things at that age is a mess.

 

[scbelleatheart]

I can only speak from my personal experience, but I do have some. When I was 15-18 I had a great group of friends I met from community theatre. They were all in their 20s-30s. I hung out with them all the time. Sometimes in a group, and sometimes with them one on one. Some of them were guys, some were girls. While from the outside it may have seemed weird, they really were just great friends and there was NEVER anything inappropriate going on. People may wonder why a group of late 20 somethings and 30 somethings wanted to hang out with a 16 year old, but I just related to them better than teenagers my own age. Honestly they were the only friends where I completely felt like I was part of the group.

I'm just saying, it's not guaranteed that there is anything inappropriate going on. And if my parents had forbid me from hanging with any of them, even one on one with any of the guys, I would have been very upset.

I'm also glad my parents trusted me.

Very good advice!

 

[mmackeymouse]

NORMAL 28 year old WOMEN, do not want to hang out with a 16 year old boy. Period.

I couldn't agree with this more.

No matter how innocent the relationship, no matter where it goes....a normal 28 year old woman is not frequently hanging out with teenagers, especially one specific teenager, seeing them on the same level as themselves.

 

[sbtrfly74]

Hi, thank you to all. Before I go on I should clarify that she and DS did not meet at church and she is not in any leadership position in the church.
They met by her job, her working at the place he did went to do volunteer work, they assigned him to her, she was not officially the person in charge of the volunteers, but, she was assigned to supervise his tasks.

Im sorry but its beyond creepy, and Im sorry but OP dropped the ball by not keeping up with kids emails after 16. Why? And after finding out he was talking to frequently with an older woman why not start checking up again? Hello?????


A 16 yr old is beyond far from an adult, I dont care how religious and responsible someone is. It is your job to protect your children from circumstances such as these and not turn a blind eye and ask questions later. You cant use a "purity ring" to give you false hope that your kid isnt doing something that you would not approve of.

Stop giving yourself an excuse to make your kid grow up way faster than they should be doing. They are a child.

Im really sorry for sounding harsh but Im tired of the sugar coating.

 

[mousears123]

As AC7179 suspected, we follow Gothard's teachings for the most part but not completely (we were formerly part of VisionForum and DS's goal was to be a VisionForum intern but with recent scandal we have left the VisionForum) for example we do not homeschool all the way up to 12th instead we do send our children to Christian school once they are in 9th grade, we do allow them more outside activities not necessarily just within the ATI community.
I am able to speak about Gothard and ATI with "mousears123" because I have not discussed them under my correct username, knowing I wouldn't likely find ATI people here.

We do want our children to be responsible and make their own decisions once they get to the 16-18 age range. Many families tighten the reins at that point but we've decided of we have raised them right then at 16-18 we need to let him be an adult as he could be married in as little as 3 or 4 years and the head of a family. We want the beginnings of that to occur under our supervision, but at some point it will happen. It is highly unusual for this young woman at 28 to be unmarried. Another part of our concern is WHY she is still unmarried, but we do know a few families with unmarried children that age who through no fault of their own have not married.
Our plan at this point is to keep her close by having them spend time in our home with our family and also getting to know her family as well. If we get more in between the two of them then we will know that nothing untoward can be going on. I thank everyone for their help, it has been so appreciated.

 

[sk!mom]

As AC7179 suspected, we follow Gothard's teachings for the most part but not completely (we were formerly part of VisionForum and DS's goal was to be a VisionForum intern but with recent scandal we have left the VisionForum) for example we do not homeschool all the way up to 12th instead we do send our children to Christian school once they are in 9th grade, we do allow them more outside activities not necessarily just within the ATI community.
I am able to speak about Gothard and ATI with "mousears123" because I have not discussed them under my correct username, knowing I wouldn't likely find ATI people here.

We do want our children to be responsible and make their own decisions once they get to the 16-18 age range. Many families tighten the reins at that point but we've decided of we have raised them right then at 16-18 we need to let him be an adult as he could be married in as little as 3 or 4 years and the head of a family. We want the beginnings of that to occur under our supervision, but at some point it will happen. It is highly unusual for this young woman at 28 to be unmarried. Another part of our concern is WHY she is still unmarried, but we do know a few families with unmarried children that age who through no fault of their own have not married.
Our plan at this point is to keep her close by having them spend time in our home with our family and also getting to know her family as well. If we get more in between the two of them then we will know that nothing untoward can be going on. I thank everyone for their help, it has been so appreciated.

I had never heard of either of the bolded but you gave me a lot to read and WOW! I'm almost speechless.

 

[Ceila]

I had never heard of either of the bolded but you gave me a lot to read and WOW! I'm almost speechless.

Lol, so I wasn't the only one who went and Googled it, huh? And um, yeah, wow is about all I can say without getting points.

One thing I don't understand, though, is why the OP said that it was ok to mention that they are followers of that only since she wasn't using her regular screen name. Is it like Fight Club or something?

 

[skatalite]

Lol, so I wasn't the only one who went and Googled it, huh? And um, yeah, wow is about all I can say without getting points.

One thing I don't understand, though, is why the OP said that it was ok to mention that they are followers of that only since she wasn't using her regular screen name. Is it like Fight Club or something?

She probably doesn't want to be ridiculed for her convictions and religious practices.

 

[kirbydog48]

I had never heard of either of the bolded but you gave me a lot to read and WOW! I'm almost speechless.

Yes, me too.... In shock actually.

 

[sk!mom]

Yes, me too.... In shock actually.

Absolutely! and still reading- I can't stop

I have to say that in light of these teachings that OP and her family follow, I'm wondering how this relationship was even remotely allowed, ok, whatever?