WWY Have Done. . .

[msjprincess]

No RSVP was requested.

How do you plan a dinner without RSVPs?

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Uncomfortable situation either way. I would not have asked them to leave - the thought of that sends a shiver down my spine. I imagine people are pretty upset with you? What did your DH think? How was the rest of the party?

 

[snapppyd]

Wow, I would not have sent people home after they drove 25 miles and were dressed for the party. You did not make it clear enough on the invite. Lesson learned for the future.

 

[NFLDERS]

How do you plan a dinner without RSVPs?

This was like a Restaurant buffet. The hall is rented, the tableware provided, the band paid for by me, a Cash Bar, and the food replenished as need be. The only number count that was necessary, not to exceed fire codes, etc.

 

[Pigeon]

I would have put "adults only" or "no children" on the invite so that it was completely clear.

Yeah.

If it were a wedding invitation, I would have picked up immediately that kids weren't invited based on the way the envelope was addressed. If it were a birthday party, not so much. Strictly following the rules of etiquette, you were fine, but the idea of a birthday party for a family member where kids aren't invited would be entirely foreign to me and the subtleties of the envelope address would go right over my head.

Your MIL was waaaayy out of line to not have checked with you before she told people to bring their kids.

 

[Allison]

I would have sucked it and be prepared to write out a much larger check and hope more food could be provided.
Apparently the invitation was not worded as adults only. If it is an adult only party, that needs to be clearly stated especially if children are normally included.

I agree.

 

[Colleen27]

In both DH's family and mine it is customary to include children in most events including weddings and other fancy/evening events, so I'd have clearly stated "Adults only" on the invitation rather than counting on the address wording to override the default assumption that it is a family affair. But if I didn't include that wording I wouldn't turn away families that did bring their children because I would feel like it was my failure to communicate clearly that resulted in the mix-up, and because I would feel rude doing it.

 

[lovemygoofy]

This was like a Restaurant buffet. The hall is rented, the tableware provided, the band paid for by me, a Cash Bar, and the food replenished as need be. The only number count that was necessary, not to exceed fire codes, etc.

You didn't have a general head count though? People still need an idea how many mouths to feed especially buffet style. Normally that is still charged per person. Did you end up paying for more people than attended?

 

[snapppyd]

This was like a Restaurant buffet. The hall is rented, the tableware provided, the band paid for by me, a Cash Bar, and the food replenished as need be. The only number count that was necessary, not to exceed fire codes, etc.

I really don't see a problem with some extra people in this situation. If it was a sit down dinner that had to be ordered ahead of time, like a formal wedding, then you would have a leg to stand on.

 

[msjprincess]

I showed up to a party with an uninvited child once. It was a christening. The invitation said Mr & Mrs, but it seemed strange to have a child-free christening party. We asked around and everyone else that was going said kids were invited and they were bringing theirs. I think every guest that had kids brought them, it turned out that there weren't supposed to be kids.

 

[msjprincess]

This was like a Restaurant buffet. The hall is rented, the tableware provided, the band paid for by me, a Cash Bar, and the food replenished as need be. The only number count that was necessary, not to exceed fire codes, etc.

So did you just turn the kids away on principle or did you eventually have to give an exact head count?

 

[JessicaR]

Uncomfortable situation either way. I would not have asked them to leave - the thought of that sends a shiver down my spine. I imagine people are pretty upset with you? What did your DH think? How was the rest of the party?

Yes, this.
Did those that attended with children leave? Did they return after w/o their kids?

I also think it needed to be stated on the invitation, adults only. Some people think their children should attend all functions especially if that's the way its usually done in the family.

 

[jrmasm]

I showed up to a party with an uninvited child once. It was a christening. The invitation said Mr & Mrs, but it seemed strange to have a child-free christening party. We asked around and everyone else that was going said kids were invited and they were bringing theirs. I think every guest that had kids brought them, it turned out that there weren't supposed to be kids.

Why didn't you check with the host instead of "asking around"?

 

[msjprincess]

You didn't have a general head count though? People still need an idea how many mouths to feed especially buffet style. Normally that is still charged per person. Did you end up paying for more people than attended?

That seems odd to me too. It seems like you would have to make a lot of extra food just in case everyone showed up. I would think you would need it more than a sit down dinner since it's all made beforehand.

 

[msjprincess]

Why didn't you check with the host instead of "asking around"?

I don't remember, it was 12 or 13 years ago. It was my husband's friend. I think we just mentioned it to other couples when we wee out and they said kids were invited. they were closer with the couple so we figured they knew what they were talking about.

 

[mom2AidanAndEli]

This was like a Restaurant buffet. The hall is rented, the tableware provided, the band paid for by me, a Cash Bar, and the food replenished as need be. The only number count that was necessary, not to exceed fire codes, etc.

So it wasn't even that you had given one number and suddenly had a bunch of other people to deal with? There was no number required at all?? First, I don't know how anyone plans without a number in mind. But then, if you didn't need a number, what was the harm in allowing in a few extra kids?

I'm betting you're hearing some loud grumbling from family members now...

 

[turkeymama]

Even if I was oblivious to etiquette, the hours listed for the party along with the words "cash bar" would have clued me in that kids were probably not expected. I don't know what I would have done in OP's situation but I certainly don't fault her for not explicitly stating "adults only" on the invite.

 

[Pigeon]

I certainly wouldn't have told people they needed to go home at that point, that's pretty cold. I get that it's obnoxious for the other guests who picked up on the fact that the kids weren't supposed to come, but that could be explained to them.

And given that you didn't ask people to RSVP or need a headcount ahead of time, it really would be much better to just suck it up. Since you had a cash bar only, it couldn't have been that much of an expense.

 

[Wishing on a star]

If you failed to make a very clear statement couples/adults only, then you really should have accepted whomever came your way.

And, did you not have an RSVP for this type of thing, with dinner, drinks, etc???

Sorry, but I could not have turned people away at that point. No way. Just wouldn't have.
Especially since I were not very clear about who was invited, RSVP, etc...

I wonder if that was worth the fallout that you might see in your friendships/relationships with these family and friends.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

So it wasn't even that you had given one number and suddenly had a bunch of other people to deal with? There was no number required at all?? First, I don't know how anyone plans without a number in mind. But then, if you didn't need a number, what was the harm in allowing in a few extra kids?

It wasnt super clear in the first post, I had to re-read it based on a later post, but she says she was concerned about how the people who were there without their kids would feel seeing that they had either left kids at home, or only one adult had come so the other could stay home with kids.

One couple neighbour's of ours had, 4 children at home. Some couples opted for one to stay home, and the other attended.

In the future I will include more specifics. At the time, I was considering others in attendance, that did not have a misunderstanding. As the majority of relatives came without their children. I was more worried about their feelings, I guess.