Would you be comfortable letting your spouse carpool to work alone....

[MAKmom]

Going out to lunch a few times a week with a group of co-workers or even a single co-worker who is the opposite sex is one thing.

Going out to lunch everyday with the SAME opposite sex co-worker is a different story in my book. If that is the same co-worker you are spending an additional 3 hours a day alone in the car with, you are then spending at least 4 hours a day with that person with next to nothing interferring with your time. I think it's totally natural that it's possible feelings could develop. Great conversation, no stress, no pressure to feed and bathe the kids, especially for a male who has a woman that is talking WITH him and not AT him to get things done in the house.

To me it's similar to letting teenagers have co-ed sleep overs etc. Sure if they want to have sex they will regardless. Why make it easier? Why set up the breeding ground for something to happen? Marriages have ups and down as a PP said. A great week with the traveling co-worker and a hard week at home could be the beginning of a disaster no one saw coming.

Even for the greatest guy in the world.

I just asked DH what his answer to the OP would be & he said it would depend on the guy.

 

[trmcguire]

Going out to lunch a few times a week with a group of co-workers or even a single co-worker who is the opposite sex is one thing.

Going out to lunch everyday with the SAME opposite sex co-worker is a different story in my book. If that is the same co-worker you are spending an additional 3 hours a day alone in the car with, you are then spending at least 4 hours a day with that person with next to nothing interferring with your time. I think it's totally natural that it's possible feelings could develop. Great conversation, no stress, no pressure to feed and bathe the kids, especially for a male who has a woman that is talking WITH him and not AT him to get things done in the house.

/QUOTE]

Two different people I'm referring to, btw. A lot of times we all eat lunch together, sometimes we want to get out of the office, but only two can go at a time since we need someone there. I work in a very small office with all men. Also, I'm doubting there will be much chit chat, we both love Howard Stern and want silence so we can listen to the radio, lol.

 

[HappyLawyer]

with a member of the opposite sex?

Here's my situation: I work about an hour and a half away from where I live. I just got a new boss about two weeks ago and he happens to live within walking distance of our house. We thought it would be great to carpool to work since we would be saving a ton on gas, as well as tolls. My husband thinks married people don't carpool alone with people of the opposite sex. (The guy is my boss, an he is married) My husband trusts me completely (its the guys he might not trust ) , but he is very much traditional and likes to do things how most people do. He had a single mom growing up, so as far as marriage, he doesn't know anything about how it can work. He says, if this is normal and most people would do this, then for me to go ahead.
On a same note, would you be comfortable having your spouse have lunch "dates" with a member of the opposite sex that they work with?

Any thoughts on this?

Did you seriously ask this question

 

[disykat]

Being uncomfortable with the idea doesn't mean you lack trust for your SO. I wouldn't be involved with someone I didn't trust.

However, I do believe in being realistic. Something like half of married men admit affairs and the numbers for women are not far behind. I wouldn't object to my husband having women friends, but I would object to him spending 3 hours alone every day with a woman who is not me unless it was necessary (i.e. it's necessary to work with females. It's not necessary to ride for 3 hours a day alone in a car with one).

I wouldn't object to my husband having lunch alone with a female coworker, but I would object if he had lunch alone with the same one every day, unless she was a family friend and I knew her well.

Now, I'd never forbid my husband from doing something - he's a responsible adult after all - but hopefully my husband would consider my feelings (as I would his) when making these sorts of decisions.

great post!

 

[Alex2kMommy]

DH currently carpools with a couple of women from his office. One is an older single woman whom I have met; I believe the other woman is younger and attractive, and I think married. Occasionally one or the other is on vacation or out sick, so he does carpool with only one woman. Doesn't bother me at all.

When I worked outside the home (which I did until 2 years ago), I carpooled with a single older woman and a single young man. I don't think it bothered DH a bit, either.

On the question about lunches: He does often have lunch dates with female coworkers, sometimes a standing weekly lunch. That doesn't bother me, either. Interestingly, he was going for coffee every morning with a gal he carpooled with, and another woman in the office was upset about it and 'confronted' him. She behaved like a jealous girlfriend, telling him that if he kept that up people would talk, and he never took her to coffee. DH was mentoring this woman at the time, and she would behave possessively of him, get miffed at him over little things and not speak to him for awhile. It was very strange. HER I worried about, and after that he broke off their mentoring relationship. I was happy when she quit her job shortly after that.

 

[Mickeyluver37]

Going out to lunch a few times a week with a group of co-workers or even a single co-worker who is the opposite sex is one thing.

Going out to lunch everyday with the SAME opposite sex co-worker is a different story in my book. If that is the same co-worker you are spending an additional 3 hours a day alone in the car with, you are then spending at least 4 hours a day with that person with next to nothing interferring with your time. I think it's totally natural that it's possible feelings could develop. Great conversation, no stress, no pressure to feed and bathe the kids, especially for a male who has a woman that is talking WITH him and not AT him to get things done in the house.

To me it's similar to letting teenagers have co-ed sleep overs etc. Sure if they want to have sex they will regardless. Why make it easier? Why set up the breeding ground for something to happen? Marriages have ups and down as a PP said. A great week with the traveling co-worker and a hard week at home could be the beginning of a disaster no one saw coming.

This is exactly how I feel!! Thanks for saving me the typing! I don't think I would tell dh that he "couldn't" be in this type of carpool, but I can't imagine him suggesting such a thing, either. And whether anything would actually be going on in this situation, I think it would portray inappropriateness to the other co-workers- just not a good idea.

 

[krcit]

I don't think most people who have affairs go looking for them. I also think that noone can be 100% sure that their spouse wouldn't cheat-we all would like to think that our spouse would never but as I get older I realize that you can never say never. So, i don't think that I would be comfortable with my spouse spending 15 hours a week alone in a car with someone of the opposite sex. Does that mean I don't trust my dh? I don't think so-I think it means that I realize that everyone is human.

 

[BroadwayGirl]

You know, looking back to my carpool days, I remember that the non-driver often used the commuting time to close their eyes and take a nap. Yeah, we talked but mostly about inconsequential issues, work stuff or about his wedding plans with his beautiful fiancee. We had boundaries and we respected them - we just happened to share a commute to save money and energy. And we were friends. Apparently for some people the concept of a man and a woman simply being friends is an impossible idea. I find that sad...very sad.

 

[TrixieBel]

I wrote "other" because I don't think it's an issue of "letting" my spouse do something.... However, in our house there would be no issue with this sharing of a car to get to work - our marriage is secure enough for both of us to feel confident that nothing untoward would happen - in fact neither of us would even think of that as an issue...

 

[LacunaCoil]

It would depend on the other person. This really isn't a yes or no type of question for me.

 

[SandraVB79]

Sorry, but I really don't understand why anyone would have issues with this.

ITA.
But then, I am in a job where you often have to work in a team with just one other member of the opposite sex. IMO, after you've been in a small project room for a whole day with your colleague, it doesn't make that much of a difference to share a ride with him/ her.

Also, IMO, having lunch with your colleagues shouldn't be a problem. You spend already the whole day with them, then why not have lunch together?

 

[kaw1218]

You know, looking back to my carpool days, I remember that the non-driver often used the commuting time to close their eyes and take a nap. Yeah, we talked but mostly about inconsequential issues, work stuff or about his wedding plans with his beautiful fiancee. We had boundaries and we respected them - we just happened to share a commute to save money and energy. And we were friends. Apparently for some people the concept of a man and a woman simply being friends is an impossible idea. I find that sad...very sad.

I do too. some of my good friends are male. I think they help me understand DH better.

 

[Katy Belle]

When I was in my twenty's my mother told me the way people fall in love is spending time together. Sometimes you are setting your self up for an affair you never mean to happen. Marriages have good & bad times. (She did not think going to lunch with married men was a good idea alone.)

She also thought it was a bad idea to just DATE someone who would make a horrible husband.( Even if he was really handsome & fun) If you fall in love it will be to late or painful.

Her theory which I have seen proved right was men usually do not leave unless they have a replacement.

I think you have a very wise mother! I used to think the way the majority of the responders do. If you trust them, sure, no problem. I have changed my tune. I agree with the mother of MAKmom's mom. I think people can fall in love when they spend a lot of time together. I have NUMEROUS examples from my own immediate family and small group of friends that just convinces me this is "thin ice" territory and makes no sense to risk it!

My DB had an affair with his secretary, ruined his marriage. My nephew's wife had a friend that was a guy. They would occasionally eat lunch together, talk on the phone, etc. She is now divorcing her DH and is living with this "friend." DBIL was divorced and had a couple that he did everything with. He had an affair with the wife and fathered a child There are actually more, but I will stop here. All of these started as "friends or colleagues." I know that not everyone will take the path these took, but why take a chance! Build up the relationship with your spouse. Don't do anything to put it at risk.

By the way, ALL of the above were college educated professional people, if that makes a difference. NONE of them came from divorced families or any of the things you hear make a marriage "high risk."

I do actually think its fine to have friends that are members of the opposite sex. I just think you have to be really careful. My DH works with many ladies and occasionally has lunch with them, sometimes solo and often in a group. I trust him. If it became and every day thing, I would ask him to stop.

Katy

 

[Mkrop]

I think you have a very wise mother! I used to think the way the majority of the responders do. If you trust them, sure, no problem. I have changed my tune. I agree with the mother of MAKmom's mom. I think people can fall in love when they spend a lot of time together. I have NUMEROUS examples from my own immediate family and small group of friends that just convinces me this is "thin ice" territory and makes no sense to risk it!

My DB had an affair with his secretary, ruined his marriage. My nephew's wife had a friend that was a guy. They would occasionally eat lunch together, talk on the phone, etc. She is now divorcing her DH and is living with this "friend." DBIL was divorced and had a couple that he did everything with. He had an affair with the wife and fathered a child There are actually more, but I will stop here. All of these started as "friends or colleagues." I know that not everyone will take the path these took, but why take a chance! Build up the relationship with your spouse. Don't do anything to put it at risk.

By the way, ALL of the above were college educated professional people, if that makes a difference. NONE of them came from divorced families or any of the things you hear make a marriage "high risk."

I do actually think its fine to have friends that are members of the opposite sex. I just think you have to be really careful. My DH works with many ladies and occasionally has lunch with them, sometimes solo and often in a group. I trust him. If it became and every day thing, I would ask him to stop.

Katy

So to make sure my marriage doesnt get on "thin ice" according to you I should NOT let my DH have a secertary, any female friends, or we cant spend anytime with another couple for fear of an affair.

Should I just lock him a closet?

I mean really I dont see DH all day, I have no idea on a daily basis who he is spending his time with, he is in sales, he has other woman's business cards in his pockets, he goes to trade shows in hotels, he goes on business trips etc. If he wants to start an affair or have a fling, then there is a weakness there and that is not who I would want in a husband. It is called I have to trust that he loves and respect me enough not to have that affair or fling.

I cant live my life worrying or preventing him from doing things.

 

[smartestnumber5]

I don't understand questions like this.

Why would you think that because person X is heterosexual and person Y is the opposite sex that there is any likelihood at all that person X could be attracted to person Y? Are there really heterosexual people out there who are actually attracted to ALL people of the opposite sex or even MOST of them?

Maybe I find this kind of question particularly confusing given that I'm bisexual. (attracted to both males and females). When I try to apply such a question to my own life/relationship I come up dumbfounded. According to some of the posters here I should not be allowed to spend significant time with ANYONE other than my partner. Neither opposite-sex nor same-sex friends will do, so I guess in order to protect our relationship GF should forbid me from having any friends at all!

Somehow I (all all the other bisexual people I know) do manage to have close friends of both sexes without jumping into bed with them behind GF's back. If we can apparently manage not to cheat without having to be locked away from ALL people other than our partners, then why are heterosexual people so unable to have friends of the opposite sex without having an affair with them?

(Not that I actually believe that heterosexual people can't be friends with the opposite sex without an affair happening. But I would like to see how people who are totally against the co-ed carpooling think a bisexual person ought to do. Is there a different standard for bisexuals than straight people, or do the partner's of bisexuals need to keep them away from ALL other people except perhaps relatives?)

 

[Ciao Mickey]

I answered Other.

It depends on who the person is.

I trust my husband 99.99%. But I would be *stupid* if I didn't think that, under the right circumstances, it's possible for anyone to stray even one time.

I also don't trust all woman the same way with my husband. My next door neighbor, who also happens to be one of my bf, I would trust her with my husband without a second thought.

But if my husband had to carpool with another friend I have--forget about it. I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her--with anyone's husband or boyfriend.

My cousins's marriage broke up when she found out her ex-husband and the woman he carpooled with were making frequent stops at the Tick-Tock Motel on their way to work.

My other gf's husband carpools every day with the same woman. He even goes on frequent business trips all around the world with her. No problems there.

 

[kaylie&laurensmom]

I have not read the entire thread, but I voted it would not bother me. However, on second thought, it would really depend on the people that are carpooling. I know WITHOUT A DOUBT that there would be no issues with my DH. However, what if your spouse was already "unhappy" in the marriage and he started carpooling with someone with morals that weren't exactly great. You never know what could happen, DEPENDING ON THE PEOPLE INVOLVED. I know some have said it would be OK as long as it were a boss. WelL, at my prior job, there was a single male boss with a married female employee. They started going to lunch together and started being seen together a lot. Around the time our company was "bought out" and we were shutting down, THEY GOT MARRIED!!! Turns out they had been having an affair for over a year and she had secretly divorced her husband!!

 

[va32h]

I might easily have a problem with it, or not . I don't understand how some people here can say with 100% certainty that they would never possibly have even the slimmest chance of having a problem with it. And it sounds like some of you are making fun of people who don't say the politically correct thing.

It totally depends on the situation. For me as a woman it depends on what the person looks like and what their personality is like. I'm sorry if that's not PC, but I don't really care. And not that looks are everything, but if the person was an Angelina Jolie or Johnny Depp lookalike and had a wonderful, warm, and genuinely sexy personality, you can honestly say you would never in a million years have any concerns?? Even if they aren't a classically attractive, spending that much time alone (3 hours a day!) with anyone has a huge potential to lead to a very close friendship. I don't really want my husband's best buddy to be some woman he works with .

Now the savings would be terrific, but if I couldn't just move closer to work, then the best alternative for me would probably be to try to find a 3rd person to join the carpool. If I couldn't do that, then I might just commute together once or twice a week.

You would move? You would sell your house and move out of fear that your husband would fall in love with his carpool partner?

Good grief. Do you let him out of the house at all? An Angelina Jolie lookalike might be working at the grocery store, you know.

There are attractive people everywhere. Are you going to cover your husband's eyes every time a good looking woman walks by?

And believe it or not - people do fall in love with us plain, overweight, ugly people too.

 

[Va-bear]

I do too. some of my good friends are male. I think they help me understand DH better.

GOOD point! My male friends really have provided me with a lot of insight into how the mysterious male mind works! I think my marriage is stronger due to my male friends.

I also don't trust all woman the same way with my husband. My next door neighbor, who also happens to be one of my bf, I would trust her with my husband without a second thought.

But if my husband had to carpool with another friend I have--forget about it. I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her--with anyone's husband or boyfriend.

It is still your DH that has the final say in an affair - the yes or no part - so it is him that needs to be trusted 100%. He will meet woman who throw themselves at him - all men do - but he has to be strong enough to say no. Saying you dont trust the other woman takes resposibility and freedom of choice away from DH and that's not fair to you or him.

 

[Mkrop]

I have not read the entire thread, but I voted it would not bother me. However, on second thought, it would really depend on the people that are carpooling. I know WITHOUT A DOUBT that there would be no issues with my DH. However, what if your spouse was already "unhappy" in the marriage and he started carpooling with someone with morals that weren't exactly great. You never know what could happen, DEPENDING ON THE PEOPLE INVOLVED. I know some have said it would be OK as long as it were a boss. WelL, at my prior job, there was a single male boss with a married female employee. They started going to lunch together and started being seen together a lot. Around the time our company was "bought out" and we were shutting down, THEY GOT MARRIED!!! Turns out they had been having an affair for over a year and she had secretly divorced her husband!!

To me if the guy is unhappy, he will find it anywhere then. And even if the person has questionable morals, doesnt the other person have SELF CONTROL He can find people who would be willing to take him up for sex or an affair anywhere. I mean he could say he is working late, go to a happy hour, take off the ring a voila, he may get lucky. I mean in your scenario people shouldnt go to work bc they might be attracted to their coworker. Guess what you got to go to work. You need to TRUST.

Like I said I dont want to live my life or my marriage like that.