Would you be comfortable letting your spouse carpool to work alone....

[tinkerbee]

As a spouse I would have a small problem not that I don't trust my husband but when you spend 3 hours alone in a car with some one every day for five days plus WORK with the person things can happen married or not. Many people spend more time with co workers than with their family these days.

My concern would be more that this person is the Boss. I know for the company I work for my boss isn't even allowed to go to lunch with people who work under him let alone spend 3 hours alone in a car with him every day.

 

[Disney Doll]

To me it's similar to letting teenagers have co-ed sleep overs etc. Sure if they want to have sex they will regardless. Why make it easier? Why set up the breeding ground for something to happen? Marriages have ups and down as a PP said. A great week with the traveling co-worker and a hard week at home could be the beginning of a disaster no one saw coming.

If a hard week at home and a great week in the car pool are all it would take for someone's DH to have an affair, I would question the strength of their marriage.

I trust my spouse implicitly. I trust him to be able to contain himself around women, just as I assume he trusts me to be able to contain my self around men, even when we are having a difficult week at home for some reason.

This line of thinking that forbidding one's spouse to have contact with the opposite sex will keep one's marriage affair-free is ludicrous.

And that "I trust you, it's everyone else I don't trust" line is a load of crap. Unless "everyone else" is holding a gun to your head, no one can make you do something that you don't want to do.

I give my DH credit that he thinks with his head, not some other body part. I also give him credi that our marriage means more to him than some roll in the hay with a co-worker because we're having a difficult week at home.

 

[Christine]

If a hard week at home and a great week in the car pool are all it would take for someone's DH to have an affair, I would question the strength of their marriage.

I trust my spouse implicitly. I trust him to be able to contain himself around women, just as I assume he trusts me to be able to contain my self around men, even when we are having a difficult week at home for some reason.

This line of thinking that forbidding one's spouse to have contact with the opposite sex will keep one's marriage affair-free is ludicrous.

And that "I trust you, it's everyone else I don't trust" line is a load of crap. Unless "everyone else" is holding a gun to your head, no one can make you do something that you don't want to do.

I give my DH credit that he thinks with his head, not some other body part. I also give him credi that our marriage means more to him than some roll in the hay with a co-worker because we're having a difficult week at home.

Very well said! And after all that, if you put him in a carpool with a woman and that *causes* an affair, well, he wasn't worth it anyway--or the marriage wasn't.

I guess I've never been so in love with or needed a person so much that I felt that I couldn't "risk" letting them have a life that included included significant time with members of the opposite sex.

 

[Mkrop]

If a hard week at home and a great week in the car pool are all it would take for someone's DH to have an affair, I would question the strength of their marriage.

I trust my spouse implicitly. I trust him to be able to contain himself around women, just as I assume he trusts me to be able to contain my self around men, even when we are having a difficult week at home for some reason.

This line of thinking that forbidding one's spouse to have contact with the opposite sex will keep one's marriage affair-free is ludicrous.

And that "I trust you, it's everyone else I don't trust" line is a load of crap. Unless "everyone else" is holding a gun to your head, no one can make you do something that you don't want to do.

I give my DH credit that he thinks with his head, not some other body part. I also give him credi that our marriage means more to him than some roll in the hay with a co-worker because we're having a difficult week at home.

Very well said! And after all that, if you put him in a carpool with a woman and that *causes* an affair, well, he wasn't worth it anyway--or the marriage wasn't.

I guess I've never been so in love with or needed a person so much that I felt that I couldn't "risk" letting them have a life that included included significant time with members of the opposite sex.

 

[profdsny]

With the price of gas, I'd car pool with the guy with the chain saw, and the guy with the axe if they'd each pay a share.

 

[kimisabella]

My DH has carpooled w/a female co-worker in the past - didn't bother me, I had met her several times prior and knew that it wasn't going to be a problem.

 

[Mkrop]

With the price of gas, I'd car pool with the guy with the chain saw, and the guy with the axe if they'd each pay a share.

and some Bud Light

 

[KristaTX]

This line of thinking that forbidding one's spouse to have contact with the opposite sex will keep one's marriage affair-free is ludicrous.

Maybe I haven't read everyone's posts closely enough, but I think you and many others are over-reacting to what some of us have said. I sure haven't seen anyone say they would forbid their spouse to have contact with the opposite sex . Just because some people would choose not to spend 15 hours a week alone (plus whatever work time might be involved) with someone of the opposite sex or want to see their spouse spend hundreds of hours alone a year with someone of the opposite sex is no where near the same thing as forbidding your spouse (or yourself) from shopping in "mixed" company, working with the opposite sex, or being acquaintances or even good friends with members of the opposite sex .

I can see how someone might make that choice to the extreme and to the detriment of his/her spouse. However, I don't think that anyone who has posted here has said anything anywhere near extreme. Is all caution forbidden? Must everyone think exactly the same on this issue?? I don't understand why some people seem to be so insistent that their way is the right way, and anyone else's way is 100% wrong. Most of the people on here saying that this is a black and white issue are the ones on the side of "Riding alone together is always fine for anyone and everyone, and you're an idiot with a jealous, controlling streak if you think otherwise. I pity your spouse".

 

[Disney Doll]

Actually, the people implying it is a "black and white" issue are pretty evenly divided between the "don't worry's" and the "worry's".

Each side seems to think it is a pretty black and white issue in the favor of their opinion.

Certainly people can handle their marriage any way they want. I prefer to assume the best of my husband, trust him and not live my life in fear that every time he encounters a woman he will not be able to control his lustful urges and will be compelled to begin an affair. I give him more credit than that. Plus I have no desire to devote a lot of my time to worrying about something I would ultimately have no control over. If someone is of a mind to cheat, eventually they'll cheat. I'll deal with it if the time comes.

Others, based on their personal experiences, prefer to keep their spouse on a "shorter leash". If it works for them, it's fine with me.

The OP asked for opinons...she certainly got them!

 

[aprilgail2]

My concern would be more that this person is the Boss. I know for the company I work for my boss isn't even allowed to go to lunch with people who work under him let alone spend 3 hours alone in a car with him every day.

Seriously?? They tell you who you can have lunch with?? Wow, at my jobs there are SO many husbands and wives working with, under, and over each other! We go to the bosses house for a big summer pool party he throws for the people that work on his shift.

 

[kt_mom]

Their is no "leash" for my DH. He would chose on his own not to car pool in a situation like that. He would know that it would make me uncomfortable, just as it would make him uncomfortable if the situation were reversed. Its not a black and white issue though. And I certainly don't forbid him contact with the opposite sex. He has friends who are women both in and out of work, married and single. Just as I have friends who are male.

Its not always a black and white issue. My concern in this situation is mostly about the length of time spent in a car where your main focus is eachother. Yes, if someone is determined to cheat they can do it anywhere anytime. I understand that. But not everyone that cheats set out in the beginning to do so. Many people who would have never looked to cheat end up in situations where intimate relationships are formed and they don't even realize it's happening. And many people have different ideas of what constitutes an affair or cheating in their mind. That makes a difference too.

Its not a trust issue. I trust my DH. But I know and I've seen and I've watched people end up in situations that you would have never thought would happen. And most times they had no intentions of cheating on their spouse. And their spouse trusted them. Its just that some situations are breeding grounds for things to happen and I think this is one of them. Luckily for me, I will never be in this situation. DH would decline on his own. And I would do the same thing.

 

[grlpwrd]

If a hard week at home and a great week in the car pool are all it would take for someone's DH to have an affair, I would question the strength of their marriage.

I trust my spouse implicitly. I trust him to be able to contain himself around women, just as I assume he trusts me to be able to contain my self around men, even when we are having a difficult week at home for some reason.

This line of thinking that forbidding one's spouse to have contact with the opposite sex will keep one's marriage affair-free is ludicrous.

And that "I trust you, it's everyone else I don't trust" line is a load of crap. Unless "everyone else" is holding a gun to your head, no one can make you do something that you don't want to do.

I give my DH credit that he thinks with his head, not some other body part. I also give him credi that our marriage means more to him than some roll in the hay with a co-worker because we're having a difficult week at home.

It's not that simplistic and that cut and dry. I trust my dh explicitly - goodness, he works in Baltimore while I am 4 hours away - but that doesn't mean something like this won't ever happen. There are no guarantees in life.

I am secure and we trust each other, but I am not naive to think my life will be perfect. I think it would be irresponsible to do so just as it is irresponsible of me not to plan my life if something abrupt came along, such as death, medical problems, and even marital status. Like I said, there are no guarantees in life.

I just found out in the newspaper a guy who I took to the jr prom in high school died after stealing a car in Hawaii. I would have never thought he would do something like that. People change....

Emotional affairs develop... and those can develop into physical affairs. I try to keep my marriage strong by doing what I do and learning from sites and books like marriagebuilders.com, but even that is not a guarantee...

 

[Christine]

I don't think any of us who are "pro" carpool think that we have a 100% lock on fidelity.

I know that I don't. I believe all human beings are capable of infidelity given the right circumstances. You are correct that carpooling might provide the right circumstances. What I'm saying is that I don't care. If I have to go rating circumstances throughout my marriage for whatever might tempt him (or myself), then it's just not worth it to me.

For the record, I'm truly not bashing or putting down others that feel opposite of me. If that is how you handle you relationship--fine. I am just trying to explain my POV on this and why I feel the way I do and what I would/would not do in my own relationships. I know that this is different from the anti-carpoolers, but it doesn't mean that I am criticizing.

 

[Charade]

Tough question. I didn't vote 'cuz I'm not sure.

I think that if the person was either a boss or a subordinate, I wouldn't mind. Otherwise, I think it would bother me. It's pretty common for affairs to start with a coworker because you spend 40+ hours a week with them. When you add another 15 hours a week in drive time...I just think it's best not to play with fire, ya know?

But as I said, if the person was a boss or subordinate, I think I'd be OK with it because once you're at the top, most bosses aren't going to risk their careers for a roll in the sack.

If this was a short commute, it probably wouldn't bother me, but 3 hours a day is a bit much to be regularly spending alone with a member of the opposite sex.

Been there... (on the receiving end of the outcome)

I think a short commute would be OK but I agree, and extra 15 hours a week allows for a lot of "connect" time.

 

[TinkerbellMama]

I'm so glad suspicion and jealousy aren't part of my marriage. I can't be bothered with that kind of petty BS.

You can call it whatever you want, but when you are calculating the risk that your husband/wife/SO might stray, if given X opportunity, then you don't trust that person 100%. AND, I might add, 75% of people have poorly-matched or otherwise unhappy marriages, so perhaps that suspicion is prudent for the majority of couples. Thankfully, I am not part of that group. My husband would NEVER cheat. I am totally secure in the fact that he could ride to work with whomever he wanted, every day of his life, and never feel the need to rip her clothes off and jump her--no matter how attractive or interesting or available she was. And, if he ever DID cheat (for the sake of argument), then my reaction would not be to fall to pieces and think that my life was ruined. I have way more self-esteem than that. I wouldn't blame myself for "allowing" him to carpool with the office tramp! More along the lines of, good riddance to bad rubbish! If your spouse is going to cheat on you just because he is "granted" a little bit of freedom, then what kind of marriage did you really have? The answer isn't pretty. I think it's sad that not every woman on this thread can say the same.

This has NOTHING to do with thinking my life is perfect, and everything to do with me being 100% secure in my choice of a mate and confident in his love and RESPECT for me. If I didn't trust him enough to carpool with a member of the opposite sex, I wouldn't have married him. My standards are MUCH higher than that. PERIOD.

 

[TinkerbellMama]

Yes but what about the 8 hours of work that they spend together?

The answer is clear: he must immediately quit his job!

 

[TinkerbellMama]

There are a lot of variables in life. 50% of marriages don't make it. 50%! That's pretty steep odds.

Most marriages don't make it because most people don't choose wisely. It has nothing to do with hot, carpooling co-workers!

 

[disykat]

You know, I could actually say similar judgemental negative things here to those others are saying. I guess I'm sad that there are people that wouldn't care that someone else gets to spend 3 hours each day of uninterupted social time with their spouse.

As I've stated before, dh and I don't get to spend that much talking time - and we'd like to.

There hasn't been anyone here who has said they wouldn't "allow" their spouse to ever be unsupervised with another woman. What there have been, are people who said they would be "uncomfortable" with their spouse spending 3 hours of social time every day with another woman. I'm sort of astounded that people can't (or refuse to) see the difference.

The funniest thing on this thread IMO, was the person who was horrified that someone suggested moving! I thought that was a great idea. If either one of us had a three hour daily commute, we'd move mountains to change that.

 

[Camicar]

I would have no problem with it and neither would my dh have a problem with me carpooling with a man, either.

The only situation where that might be a problem is if the carpooler was known to have a crush on the married person. I think I would want to avoid that situation bec increasing the time together at the very least can increase irritation/tension (as in when a guy has had a crush on me, I find myself very uncomfortable around him, so I wouldn't want to increase the time spent being uncomfortable).

 

[OceanAnnie]

Most marriages don't make it because most people don't choose wisely. It has nothing to do with hot, carpooling co-workers!

Thanks for clearing that up!