Why can't I be like this?

[Tiger926]

I don't understand why the OP would want to be like this? Her friend makes people wait, and that is very self-centred and insular, as far as I'm concerned. This is vastly different than those people who are challenged with time management, like people with ADHD or other learning challenges.

The time optimism/pessism idea is interesting, but it does require hosts, spouses, etc. to constantly change how they do plan stuff out, as there is always someone waiting on the other. I deal with this in my family, and it drives hubby and I bonkers, as it does effect things such as birthday parties, etc. I have now convinced other family members to start without certain other ones as they are always late. I really don't think it's a matter of time optimism/pessism at all, but part of the entitlement and selfish culture we live in. I see supposed mature adults blow stuff off until the last minute, show up late for no good reason, and don't R.S.V.P. for events. So many people have gotten so rude, and I feel it's more about common courtesy, which is very much lacking in our society. People do what they want, when they want, and so being on time, is not a priority for so many people...

As a Spec Ed teacher, I deal with punctuality and time management issues all of the time, but I still work with my students on improving this with various strategies. Most of them really do struggle with time management and distractions, but many of them also are just plain discourteous, as I mentioned above. The OP's friend is making people wait, for her own agenda, and that's not cool. That is not a personality trait that I would aspire to at all...

Tiger

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Question about this for you. In my marriage, I am like you and my husband is like your wife. However - it hasn't balanced out well yet - I don't wait well and get annoyed when my husband is always what I call 'leisurely' with time. How do you not let it get to you? It is a challenge I am working on - not to let it stress me out when he runs behind on things that aren't set in stone timewise.

I no longer wait - I occupy myself with other things once I am ready to go. I decided a long time ago that I was not going to let such a trivial thing create one minute of ******* between me and my wife, because she is simply not capable of changing this behavior. She has tried.

We had many arguments early in our relationship. When I decided to marry her, it was a known "issue". It would be unfair, IMO, to let it come between us. After all, my "issues" far outweigh hers.

 

[daisax]

Ok. so lets talk dinner. HOw about if I invite you over for dinner, I cook all day and have it done and hot a the time I told you to be there, you, in your opinion, think that it is ok to be late and now the dinner is getting dried out or it cold and everyone else is having to wait on you.

In my world "the many" do not wait for "the one." "Everyone else" sits down to dinner when it's ready to be served. If the doorbell rings while people are taking seconds, I'll take your coat and advise you to hurry up before you're left with just greenbeans.

At a restaurant, you get 15 minutes unless you call with a really good reason for us to wait. "We're circling the block but the lots are full, so we need to park further out and walk" is worth waiting for you. If you say "We're leaving the house now" I'll ask what you'd like to drink and order it for you so it's waiting when you join us at the table. Maybe there will be appetizer left, or not.

 

[bluesaturn]

Ok. so lets talk dinner. HOw about if I invite you over for dinner, I cook all day and have it done and hot a the time I told you to be there, you, in your opinion, think that it is ok to be late and now the dinner is getting dried out or it cold and everyone else is having to wait on you.

Or if it is dinner out, we usually have a reservation at a restaurant, if you are late, they may not hold the table, or if they do, you are potentially messing up the next reservation by holding up their table. either way, it is very rude and it looks as though you think more of yourself and your time than anyone else's.

NOw it doesn't affect the economy, but the people that may have gotten their plans screwed up because of you, or the dinner that isn't very good because you decided to be late. it does affect those things and puts you in a bad light.

Well the PP told me this would affect the economy, which we both agree it wouldn't.

I don't think I ever said it was fine to arrive late everywhere. I did make the observation that punctuality was a cultural thing, because I honestly think it is. And in many cultures the above situation might never been an issue because everyone else is late too. Maybe the host isn't even ready at the designated "time" because she is expecting everyone to arrive late anyway, as she would.

I also said I personally have to be aware of the punctuality of the other people I'm with and adjust myself accordingly. If I'm going to the house of someone who will be ready with dinner on the table at 5 PM on the dot, then I'll show up at 5 PM. But if I'm going to see someone who is more flexible with time I might show up at 5:30, because I know that's what they'll expect.

I also said I don't understand why you would still arrive early if you knew the other people would be late. It makes sense for a movie or something, but then I'd just go into the movie at the right time and let those other people be late.

 

[onelilspark]

It's a running joke in my company that I'm the first person there for any meeting...or conference call. I always dial in about 4-5 minutes early, just in case my clock is messed up or there's something that's covered before we "officially" get started. But we never actually get started until 5 minutes after the meeting is supposed to start. It drives me up a wall.

I'm habitually early. My pastor mentioned that he's very punctual when he starts service every Sunday, but he'll delay a Wedding service if not everyone is there, because it's no big deal. I must have had a horrified look on my face because he quickly said "...or we can start exactly at 3:30"

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Ok. so lets talk dinner. HOw about if I invite you over for dinner, I cook all day and have it done and hot a the time I told you to be there, you, in your opinion, think that it is ok to be late and now the dinner is getting dried out or it cold and everyone else is having to wait on you.

Our friends have learned not to have the dinner ready the minute that the guests are asked to arrive. When you invite guests to dinner in our circle, there is a time of "visiting" that precedes the actual meal. So, unless someone is REALLY late, they would not hold up the meal.

Or if it is dinner out, we usually have a reservation at a restaurant, if you are late, they may not hold the table, or if they do, you are potentially messing up the next reservation by holding up their table. either way, it is very rude and it looks as though you think more of yourself and your time than anyone else's.

My wife treats this sort of thing with a little more care. We are usually within 15 minutes of the reservation time - usually.

NOw it doesn't affect the economy, but the people that may have gotten their plans screwed up because of you, or the dinner that isn't very good because you decided to be late. it does affect those things and puts you in a bad light.

Honestly, that isn't our problem. When we go out to dinner with friends, it is usually a 2-3 hour meal. We tell our server that we want to take our time, and that we will tip extra for more "relaxed" service. So, even if we are on time, we are going to hold the table for more than 90 minutes. Only once has a restaurant suggested that this would be a problem.

 

[tlbwriter]

In the case of a party, or similar event that is happening over a span of time, I think that's totally fine, to be "late". The start time isn't critical then.

An appointment, or meeting up with someone (to give them something, for instance), is different because the starting time is relevant.

To me, if others are waiting for you, it matters. If the party is going on without you, it doesn't matter if you're late. If dinner won't start until all of the guests have arrived, it does matter.

 

[mhsjax]

Our friends have learned not to have the dinner ready the minute that the guests are asked to arrive. When you invite guests to dinner in our circle, there is a time of "visiting" that precedes the actual meal. So, unless someone is REALLY late, they would not hold up the meal.

My wife treats this sort of thing with a little more care. We are usually within 15 minutes of the reservation time - usually.

Honestly, that isn't our problem. When we go out to dinner with friends, it is usually a 2-3 hour meal. We tell our server that we want to take our time, and that we will tip extra for more "relaxed" service. So, even if we are on time, we are going to hold the table for more than 90 minutes. Only once has a restaurant suggested that this would be a problem.

YOu can make all the excuses you want being late is rude. I don't care if I am not serving dinner at the exact time, I realize that doesn't happen, but if I have invited you to my home and fixed a meal, you better damn well be on time, or we will eat without you. Also in a restaurant, also true that these dinners are fairly long, but not always, and so what it doesn't matter, being late is rude. No way to justify it or excuse it or any other it, it is rude, and to try an justify it is just inconceivable to me. You aren't so important that you can be late, my time is just as valuable as anyone else's, and I will not wait for later people, to expect people to do so is very egotistical .

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

YOu can make all the excuses you want being late is rude. I don't care if I am not serving dinner at the exact time, I realize that doesn't happen, but if I have invited you to my home and fixed a meal, you better damn well be on time, or we will eat without you. Also in a restaurant, also true that these dinners are fairly long, but not always, and so what it doesn't matter, being late is rude. No way to justify it or excuse it or any other it, it is rude, and to try an justify it is just inconceivable to me. You aren't so important that you can be late, my time is just as valuable as anyone else's, and I will not wait for later people, to expect people to do so is very egotistical .

You get to decide what is rude and acceptable for you - no one else. Since you are not my friend and we won't be dining together, I trust that this will never present you with a problem, so I don't understand the hostility.

 

[snarlingcoyote]

You get to decide what is rude and acceptable for you - no one else. Since you are not my friend and we won't be dining together, I trust that this will never present you with a problem, so I don't understand the hostility.

I second this.

 

[mhsjax]

You get to decide what is rude and acceptable for you - no one else. Since you are not my friend and we won't be dining together, I trust that this will never present you with a problem, so I don't understand the hostility.

Well sorry, but yeah, I get hostile at people with no manners. Sorry but it my world manners mean something and being late is rude. And you are right we will never be dining together. But I have given it some more thought, Lets say you go to a friends house for dinner, you expect a time of maybe cocktails and small talk. Well now since you are 15 to 30 minutes late do your friends have to wait until you get their to start the timing of the pre dinner chit chat, making the dinner even later than expected or do yu just accept that you screwed up and go straight to the dinner? Just curious if you expect everyone to re arrange their eating plans to accomodate your tardiness that is the root of the problem with late individuals, they expect everyone else to wait on the, as if they were more important.

The fact that you can just blow off tardiness is really just plain old unacceptable to me and I imagine to most people.

Everyone is late at some point in their lives, maybe due to an accident or something unforeseen, but to make excuses and act like no big deal is a big deal is a problem.

 

[luvsJack]

I like to think of it as being "time flexible". I am rarely actually "late" but do tend to be "right on time".

I do have friends that tend to always be late. I don't let it bother me. Who am I to determine that they should change?

More people need to relax and not be so uptight about time.

 

[mhsjax]

Well the PP told me this would affect the economy, which we both agree it wouldn't.

I don't think I ever said it was fine to arrive late everywhere. I did make the observation that punctuality was a cultural thing, because I honestly think it is. And in many cultures the above situation might never been an issue because everyone else is late too. Maybe the host isn't even ready at the designated "time" because she is expecting everyone to arrive late anyway, as she would.

I also said I personally have to be aware of the punctuality of the other people I'm with and adjust myself accordingly. If I'm going to the house of someone who will be ready with dinner on the table at 5 PM on the dot, then I'll show up at 5 PM. But if I'm going to see someone who is more flexible with time I might show up at 5:30, because I know that's what they'll expect.

I also said I don't understand why you would still arrive early if you knew the other people would be late. It makes sense for a movie or something, but then I'd just go into the movie at the right time and let those other people be late.

Well then you really don't seem to have a punctuality problem. If you know that something important is at a specific time and you are there, no problem. It is the ones that are late and leave everyone else waiting that are the problem.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Well sorry, but yeah, I get hostile at people with no manners. Sorry but it my world manners mean something and being late is rude. And you are right we will never be dining together. But I have given it some more thought, Lets say you go to a friends house for dinner, you expect a time of maybe cocktails and small talk. Well now since you are 15 to 30 minutes late do your friends have to wait until you get their to start the timing of the pre dinner chit chat, making the dinner even later than expected or do yu just accept that you screwed up and go straight to the dinner? Just curious if you expect everyone to re arrange their eating plans to accomodate your tardiness that is the root of the problem with late individuals, they expect everyone else to wait on the, as if they were more important.

I wonder if you read the entire thread. I have a number of posts in the thread - one indicates that our friends know that this is the way my wife is and have no problem with it. This may shock you, but not everyone cares as much about this as you do.

The fact that you can just blow off tardiness is really just plain old unacceptable to me and I imagine to most people.

So, it is unacceptable to you that I don't care as much about this as you do? Really? Why would you care? You don't even know me.

 

[mhsjax]

I like to think of it as being "time flexible". I am rarely actually "late" but do tend to be "right on time".

I do have friends that tend to always be late. I don't let it bother me. Who am I to determine that they should change?

More people need to relax and not be so uptight about time.

But if you are out to dinner and everyone else is there, waiting and hungry, you think it is ok for these people to be late and make everyone else wait? I don't get that. If I can get to a planned event on time, then I expect everyone else to also, (there are valid excuses). I was raised to be on time, anything else was totally unacceptable. It is just common courtesy, oh yeah, I forgot. that doesn't exist anymore.

 

[mhsjax]

I wonder if you read the entire thread. I have a number of posts in the thread - one indicates that our friends know that this is the way my wife is and have no problem with it. This may shock you, but not everyone cares as much about this as you do.

So, it is unacceptable to you that I don't care as much about this as you do? Really? Why would you care? You don't even know me.

Um, because this is the dis board. Most of us don't know each other, hasn't stopped anyone from voicing their opinions. Most people here are very opinionated, including me.

 

[momof1princess]

my mother is always late, everywhere she goes. it has irritated me my entire life. when i was growing up, she always said "it's okay, they'll wait.". well, i find that to be very inconsiderate and rude, and i make sure to always be a few minutes (no more than 10) early wherever i go.

 

[FergieTCat]

I don't understand why the OP would want to be like this? Her friend makes people wait, and that is very self-centred and insular, as far as I'm concerned. This is vastly different than those people who are challenged with time management, like people with ADHD or other learning challenges.

I guess if I wanted to be like that, I WOULD be like that. However, I am usually punctual. I say "usually" because when I try to plan something after work, my boss inevitably wants to discuss one last thing at 5:30.

I think it's less stressful, because while I'm putting in the effort to be on time, my friend and/or brother isn't making any effort at all. No effort, no stress. I don't think my friend miscalculates time, I think she doesn't care because everyone else will wait for her. I have told her to meet me 15 minutes before I actually show up. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

More people need to relax and not be so uptight about time.

I'm not uptight unless my time is being wasted.

 

[NMAmy]

I don't think my friend miscalculates time, I think she doesn't care because everyone else will wait for her.

If it's annoying you, then stop waiting for her. When she calls to find out where you are, tell her you assumed she wasn't coming. She continues to act this way because you (and others) allow her to.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I have a very close friend from a previous job. We hung out at work and after work for years. At some point we decided to get our wives together. We all met, with children, at a children's museum on Long Island. We were a little late - maybe 5 minutes. I felt pretty good about that - 5 minutes late is 25 minutes early for my wife, if you know what I mean.

Well, my friend's wife was ticked off. Even though she wasn't sorry, my wife apologized. Fast forward about 2 months. We decide to try to get them together again. My wife was invited to her house, and she said that she would be there at 11am. It was just my wife, Eddie's wife and our kids while Eddie and I worked. My wife showed up at 11:15. Eddie's wife was upset. My wife apologized again.

When I got home, I asked my wife how it went. She said that Eddie's wife was upset that she was late, but they had a good afternoon. The kids had a great time playing together. Later that night Eddie calls me. His wife was still angry that my wife was late. When I told my wife, she said that was fine. She didn't mind that Eddie's wife was mad, but she wasn't going to become someone that she wasn't to make Eddie's wife happy.

Eddie and I are still friends, though we haven't worked together in over 10 years. Our wives haven't spoken since that "lunch" date. Neither one misses the other.