Why can't I be like this?

[cornflake]

I have a friend that drives me crazy, and yet I'm envious at the same time. She is NEVER on time because she miscalculates how long it will take to get somewhere. For instance, if she has an appointment at 12:30, she'll leave her house at 12:20 and inevitably be 10 or 15 minutes late. Which doesn't bother her. She always says "They'll wait." My brother is the same way.

Why can't I be like that??? I am always punctual and always end up waiting for the other person. Sometimes if I know the person is habitually late, I'll show up late, but I'm still always the first person there.

Inconsiderate, maybe, but it seems so less stressful.

Because you're not a jerk? Not that I'm never late, I am, but that 'they'll wait' attitude I find beyond obnoxious. People like that just innately feel their time and their distractions are more important than the time, life, etc., of the person they're keeping waiting. Selfish and self-centered as heck.

 

[pioneer89]

I’ll ‘work around’ people who do actually try, and who think they are able to show up on time, even if they are actually late 100% of the time. I just don’t play the stupid power game of the ones who know they are going to be late, and act like it’s some sort of superior personality trait… with the implication that being punctual is some sort of defect.

Really, the only way to deal with those people is to use the nuclear option. Bide your time, and sooner or later you will be in a position to control if they make or miss some really important event. Then it’s payback time. I suggest a cruise, or an international flight. Of course this is fantasy, but I punctual person can dream, can’t I?

 

[Shanna-like-Banana]

We have a family joke that we have Aunt Heidi time,

She was always late, like really really late, a hour at least.

For a long time, whenever she was invited she would be told 45minutes - an hour earlier than everybody else.

 

[cari12]

Well I guess I'm wondering why you would still show up early if you know the other people are going to come late. Why not show up late yourselves? I'm assuming it's because you don't want to give in to the other people, tolerating their lateness. But then wouldn't it send a better message to just leave them when they aren't there on time?

Then if everyone is going to show up late, why not have made the event at a later time as it appears nobody could make it on time?
If you agree to meet someone at a certain time, it is respectful to be there at that time. If you know you will not be there on time, then propose a later time.

 

[bumbershoot]

I think she finally saw the light when a friend's mother barely got her and the friend to the airport on time and they almost missed their flight.

It was nearly missing a flight, because I had not worked through the timing thoroughly, that got me to see the light.

Ok. so lets talk dinner. HOw about if I invite you over for dinner, I cook all day and have it done and hot a the time I told you to be there, you, in your opinion, think that it is ok to be late and now the dinner is getting dried out or it cold and everyone else is having to wait on you.

I have never been invited to a dinner where the host has planned to have food ON the table as soon as the official time starts. Not once. I actually think that's rather odd.

I'm habitually early. My pastor mentioned that he's very punctual when he starts service every Sunday, but he'll delay a Wedding service if not everyone is there, because it's no big deal. I must have had a horrified look on my face because he quickly said "...or we can start exactly at 3:30"

The reality is...someone is very likely going to arrive late. So you get to decide if you're going to start on time and then have the service interrupted, or if you're going to wait a bit. If you're having it videotaped, that interruption will be audible, and you'll get to see/hear it forever.

The pastor is being realistic, based on what he has seen. You need to really think it through, if you really want to have that door opening, pew/chair-finding, etc, all audible to you, *during* your ceremony, or if you can just wait a few.

On the other hand....
We had friends show up *during* the reception...they meant to be there for the ceremony (it was all at one site), but were late. They were very disappointed! I can't help but wonder if that was their "aha" moment of timing things a bit better.

LOL, I'd even written about the construction and delays on my "directions" card, to help people out with timing their drives....

To me, if others are waiting for you, it matters. If the party is going on without you, it doesn't matter if you're late. If dinner won't start until all of the guests have arrived, it does matter.

I like that.

But I have given it some more thought, Lets say you go to a friends house for dinner, you expect a time of maybe cocktails and small talk. Well now since you are 15 to 30 minutes late do your friends have to wait until you get their to start the timing of the pre dinner chit chat, making the dinner even later than expected or do yu just accept that you screwed up and go straight to the dinner? Just curious if you expect everyone to re arrange their eating plans to accomodate your tardiness that is the root of the problem with late individuals, they expect everyone else to wait on the, as if they were more important.

I've never known a perpetually late person to want everything to be on hold for them. When I would run late, I EXPECTED things to continue on, and I would catch up. You really have people in your life that want you to wait, to just stand around and not talk and not have cocktails, etc, to delay everything for them?

 

[design_mom]

Question about this for you. In my marriage, I am like you and my husband is like your wife. However - it hasn't balanced out well yet - I don't wait well and get annoyed when my husband is always what I call 'leisurely' with time. How do you not let it get to you? It is a challenge I am working on - not to let it stress me out when he runs behind on things that aren't set in stone timewise.

We handled it before we got married. I'm not sure it was the "best way" but it worked. I actually issued an ultimatum: "If you're going to continue to be late like this, don't bother coming at all." I am glad he did continue to come (we've been married 15 years now), but it was getting to the point of being a "deal breaker." I meant what I said when I said it. He's much better about being on time. His family is still a bunch of "time optimists" though.

I find people who are consistently late to be very disrespectful. If you can get to work/appointments on time, then why can't you get to your "appointment" with me on time? Am I not important enough? If it takes you longer to get ready, that's fine. Just tell me what time you can be there, and then be there when you say you will. If you want to set a range, that's okay with me as long as you can hit the range. To me "8:00" means 8:00. "Around 8" would give you a small span (maybe 10 minutes) -- if you say "between 8 and 8:30" that's fine, too... but I'll expect you by 8:30.

I was taught to always be punctual... and that means leaving enough time that you can handle everyday delays en route (rush hour traffic, got stopped by a train, etc.) and still get there "on time." If you don't end up encountering any of those delays, sometimes you get there early. I agree that arriving at a dinner party too early is (almost) as bad as arriving too late, but arriving early can easily be remedied by finding something in the vicinity to occupy yourself until it's time to actually go to the party. Then you're on time, and the host is not inconvenienced.

 

[Goofyluver]

I'll admit I'm giggling at those folks in this thread that are unapologetic for either their or their loved ones' rudeness/bad behavior.

Would you lean towards excusing other rude and/or bad behaviors?

Your 6-year-old smacks people just for fun. Would you say, "Well, little Johnny, we've tried telling him that he shouldn't hit, but it's just the way he is."

Or grandpa calls people of color naughty names. "Well, grandpa, he says he knows it's not okay to call the guy walking down the street the n-word, but his daddy did it and it's just a part of his vocabulary, so please excuse the hate-filled language."

What if your hubby farts in public? "Well, Johnny thinks it's funny. Just ignore him."

Your nephew kicks cats. "He doesn't kick hard enough to hurt 'em, so we ignore his behavior because we think if you give bad behavior too much attention, you'll only make that behavior worse."

Really, if I had a person in my life who was perpetually late, which let's be clear here, IS rude, we wouldn't be friendly any longer. No, I don't have to accept your rudeness. No, I don't have to take you as you are. My time is just as valuable as your time, only your tardiness shows you think just the opposite.

 

[mickeyboat]

I have a friend whose entire family is like this. It's like a big joke to them. It's infuriating to me. The father of a mutual friend of ours died not too long ago, and she was 30 minutes late to the funeral mass.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I'll admit I'm giggling at those folks in this thread that are unapologetic for either their or their loved ones' rudeness/bad behavior.

Would you lean towards excusing other rude and/or bad behaviors?...

It could be because I simply do not agree that it is rude behavior. As for other "rude" behaviors, I tend to not be very judgemental about them, either. Frankly, I could care less about what most consider to be polite or rude. I am who I am, and I really don't care what other people think about it.

It is a great way to go through life.

 

[tlbwriter]

It could be because I simply do not agree that it is rude behavior. As for other "rude" behaviors, I tend to not be very judgemental about them, either. Frankly, I could care less about what most consider to be polite or rude. I am who I am, and I really don't care what other people think about it.

It is a great way to go through life.

Then why did you say earlier in this thread that you can't stand being late? What is it that bothers you, if it's not the rudeness?

 

[Tiger926]

I guess if I wanted to be like that, I WOULD be like that. However, I am usually punctual. I say "usually" because when I try to plan something after work, my boss inevitably wants to discuss one last thing at 5:30.

I think it's less stressful, because while I'm putting in the effort to be on time, my friend and/or brother isn't making any effort at all. No effort, no stress. I don't think my friend miscalculates time, I think she doesn't care because everyone else will wait for her. I have told her to meet me 15 minutes before I actually show up. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.



I'm not uptight unless my time is being wasted.

I don't understand your response...you have clearly shown that your friend's behaviour bothers you, yet when I questioned why you would want this particular personality trait, which is rude, you say that if you wanted to, you would be this way. I know your original post said you were envious of her for being this way, and that's what I don't get. Why would you desire a rude personality trait?

You seem to value punctuality, but since the people around you don't, are you wishing you were like them, so that it's less stressful for you? What about the other people who it bothers? This seems hypocritical to me...

Tiger

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Then why did you say earlier in this thread that you can't stand being late? What is it that bothers you, if it's not the rudeness?

I don't know - it is just built into me. But I don't expect others to be like me, just as I don't plan on trying to be like them.

In the business world, I am never late. Different world - different rules. It is one of the reasons that I don't bring my wife to business socials. I keep the two worlds completely separate after what happened with Eddie's wife. My wife understands.

 

[Tiger926]

It could be because I simply do not agree that it is rude behavior. As for other "rude" behaviors, I tend to not be very judgemental about them, either. Frankly, I could care less about what most consider to be polite or rude. I am who I am, and I really don't care what other people think about it.

It is a great way to go through life.

I would suspect it's good for you, but not so sure for the people around you? I don't know you, so it's not appropriate for me to make any assessments or judgments on your personality, but the other people I know who live by this theory, are rude, highly selfish and very insular in their thinking, as they really don't feel that their behaviour is anyone else's business, including their own immediate family or neighbors who they very clearly bother with problematic behaviours. But maybe you have more of a carefree attitude about it?

I don't understand this line of thinking...and I suspect the OP's friend subscribes to the same theory. I find that people who don't recognize rudeness in others, don't recognize it in themselves either...

Tiger

 

[Goofyluver]

It could be because I simply do not agree that it is rude behavior. As for other "rude" behaviors, I tend to not be very judgemental about them, either. Frankly, I could care less about what most consider to be polite or rude. I am who I am, and I really don't care what other people think about it.

It is a great way to go through life.

How's that? Oblivious to others?

 

[luvsJack]

But if you are out to dinner and everyone else is there, waiting and hungry, you think it is ok for these people to be late and make everyone else wait? I don't get that. If I can get to a planned event on time, then I expect everyone else to also, (there are valid excuses). I was raised to be on time, anything else was totally unacceptable. It is just common courtesy, oh yeah, I forgot. that doesn't exist anymore.

well, you know, I don't really feel its my place to determine what is or is not ok for an adult. We are talking 15-20 minutes here, if everyone is that hungry by all means, have a roll. I would much rather spend the time enjoying my friends than getting all bent out of shape about someone being late.

Just because YOU were raised that way doesn't mean everyone was or that they think someone being a few minutes late is totally unacceptable.

I'll admit I'm giggling at those folks in this thread that are unapologetic for either their or their loved ones' rudeness/bad behavior.

Would you lean towards excusing other rude and/or bad behaviors?

Your 6-year-old smacks people just for fun. Would you say, "Well, little Johnny, we've tried telling him that he shouldn't hit, but it's just the way he is."

Or grandpa calls people of color naughty names. "Well, grandpa, he says he knows it's not okay to call the guy walking down the street the n-word, but his daddy did it and it's just a part of his vocabulary, so please excuse the hate-filled language."

What if your hubby farts in public? "Well, Johnny thinks it's funny. Just ignore him."

Your nephew kicks cats. "He doesn't kick hard enough to hurt 'em, so we ignore his behavior because we think if you give bad behavior too much attention, you'll only make that behavior worse."

Really, if I had a person in my life who was perpetually late, which let's be clear here, IS rude, we wouldn't be friendly any longer. No, I don't have to accept your rudeness. No, I don't have to take you as you are. My time is just as valuable as your time, only your tardiness shows you think just the opposite.

Those are things you compare to someone being a few minutes late? Really? A bit extreme, don't cha think?

If you choose to get bent out of shape because someone in your life is late, that is your choice. Not everyone will live by the same rules.

 

[FergieTCat]

I don't understand your response...you have clearly shown that your friend's behaviour bothers you, yet when I questioned why you would want this particular personality trait, which is rude, you say that if you wanted to, you would be this way. I know your original post said you were envious of her for being this way, and that's what I don't get. Why would you desire a rude personality trait?

You seem to value punctuality, but since the people around you don't, are you wishing you were like them, so that it's less stressful for you? What about the other people who it bothers? This seems hypocritical to me...

Tiger

I may be many things, but I am not a hypocrite.

I do envy people who operate as though the world revolves solely around themselves, and are generally unconcerned with what others think. However, I know I am not like that and am, at times, maybe too concerned with what others think of me. And it probably would be less stressful to operate as though I am the center of my very own universe and everyone else should accommodate me, not the other way around. It would take alot less effort to expect people to adjust to my schedule.

My apologies if that doesn't make sense.

[In retrospect, I never thought my venting would cause such debate. But you've never met my friend.]

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I would suspect it's good for you, but not so sure for the people around you?...

I appreciate you giving us the benefit of the doubt. We have very good friends. Every one of our friends has some hangup or another - everyone on the planet does. They accept us as we are, and we accept them as they are. Those that we have come across who were not willing to accept us as we are have simply not become our friends.

We have no shortage of friends. My wife, who is the one with this problem in particular, has more close friends than any person that I have ever met. She is an absolutely wonderful human being. She just has no sense of time or desire to develop one.

Frankly, I don't understand people who place these kinds of demands on other people. Be like me in this regard or be judged. I could never do that.

 

[Tiger926]

I may be many things, but I am not a hypocrite.

I do envy people who operate as though the world revolves solely around themselves, and are generally unconcerned with what others think. However, I know I am not like that and am, at times, maybe too concerned with what others think of me. And it probably would be less stressful to operate as though you are the center of your very own universe and everyone else should accommodate you, not the other way around. Which includes showing up late to appointments.

My apologies if that doesn't make sense.

Thanks for the explanation - that is better! It confused me, as you sound like a caring and altruistic person, as you work hard to be punctual. You also said that your friend's behaviour bothered you, yet you were envious of her, so that sounded hypocritical to me, and I felt like I missed something.

It sounds like because you are caring and altruistic, and your friend is not, it would be less stressful for you to be like her, and not worry about others so much. Alas, that is not how you are, and rest assured, most people in your life are probaby very grateful that you are caring enough to value their time, by showing up in a punctual manner.

Tiger

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

How's that? Oblivious to others?

No - happy that we are accepted for who we are, and accepting of others as they are. I would think that you would get the importance of that.

 

[design_mom]

Deleted -- since the OP explained better than I could probably.