Why can't I be like this?

[NY Disney fan]

So why do you just leave to get there exactly on time, and if something goes wrong call the others are say "running late we hit traffic".

Do you realize what kind of economy we would have if everyone operated like this?

 

[bluesaturn]

This is true, but it sounds like the OP is talking about someone who functions within a typical American culture that does value punctuality. If not, she'd say "What's the problem? It would be rude to get there so early!" instead of "They'll wait for me." She knows people are waiting.

And even if she is from a different culture, it's rude and presumptuous for her to inflict her own standards upon others who don't share that culture (and apparently the OP does not). I have a family member from the U.S. who lived in South America for many years and learned that if you want people at your house at 9:00, you invite them to come at 7:00. It would have been rude for her to invite them at 7:00 and lock the door and turn out the lights at 9:00, even though that was appropriate for her culture, because she was functioning within their culture.

It's definitely hard when you are an Asian American in America, trying to decide what culture to go with. I generally go with the culture of the majority of the people in the group. So if I'm going out with mostly Asian friends, I don't stress about timing. If I'm going out with mostly White friends, I really stress about trying to get there 10 minutes early.

 

[bluesaturn]

Do you realize what kind of economy we would have if everyone operated like this?

I'm not talking about work. I don't think there's an excuse to be late to work. So I'm not sure how showing up late to dinner would affect the economy?

 

[queendisney]

Why can't you be that way? Um... because you're polite? Considerate of other people's feelings and schedules? Able to remember how long it took you to get there the last time you went? A freaking grownup???

so right, I agree totally..

 

[bluesaturn]

Because not everybody agrees with the bolded.

Well I guess I'm wondering why you would still show up early if you know the other people are going to come late. Why not show up late yourselves? I'm assuming it's because you don't want to give in to the other people, tolerating their lateness. But then wouldn't it send a better message to just leave them when they aren't there on time?

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Do you realize what kind of economy we would have if everyone operated like this?

I don't think anyone is making excuses for people who do this in a professional environment. Being late for work is very different than showing up "around" XX o'clock to meet with a friend for lunch.

 

[snarlingcoyote]

It's actually a character trait, a problem called "time optimism". Time optimists tend to underestimate the amount of time a thing will take, like getting dressed or driving to a location. Time pessimissts have the opposite problem. I am a time pessimisst and my DH is usually a time realist who once in a while will veer off into time optimist, so we are always on time and occasionally early unless he's by himself, in which case he will cut things v.v. close on occasion.

You see time optimism and time pessimissm in depressed folks, but it can also be a deeply ingrained personality trait that is really difficult to relearn. It has nothing to do with narcissism or benevolence. Time optimists tend to be really abjectly sorry for their lateness, but often just can't figure out WHY they're late. Time pessimists, well. We tend to be bored a lot. (I bring a book almost everywhere.)

In short, if you know someone is a time optimist, tell them to be somewhere the amount of time they are usually late. So, for one person I know, we tell her to be someplace at 7 if we want her there by 9, but for others we'd just say 8:30 for a 9 appointment.

Also, I know who my time optimist friends are and plan accordingly. I have one who was once 5 hours late for a girls' day out and I wasted a day of vacation time because of her lateness. Now, if I have a girls' day out, I make my plans and tell her where I'll be at X time. If she's there good, if not, I can have a good time anyway. If I visit her for vacation or vice versa, I make sure I have alternate plans for us if she just can't get her act together in time for the plan, and/or I make sure it's very difficult for her to put things off until the last minute - I've got shepherding without it being obvious down to a fine science.

 

[NY Disney fan]

But then wouldn't it send a better message to just leave them when they aren't there on time?

Sounds good to me.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...In short, if you know someone is a time optimist, tell them to be somewhere the amount of time they are usually late. So, for one person I know, we tell her to be someplace at 7 if we want her there by 9, but for others we'd just say 8:30 for a 9 appointment...

Exactly what we do with my wife.

 

[pioneer89]

Oh I know, that's why I said that in the next sentence of my post. I still have a hard time understanding why they think that way. But this is a social event, so not a matter of extreme importance. And you know the other people are usually late, or at least don't mind being late. So why do you just leave to get there exactly on time, and if something goes wrong call the others are say "running late we hit traffic".

I think there is a huge difference between being showing up late for a party and showing up late for meeting one friend at a cafe.

Being 45 minutes late for a party is now (regretfully) expected, making a friend wait 45 minutes at Starbucks is very rude, imho.

 

[NikitaZee]

I am a Type A and can't stand being late for anything. My wife doesn't care about these things. We balance one another well.

Question about this for you. In my marriage, I am like you and my husband is like your wife. However - it hasn't balanced out well yet - I don't wait well and get annoyed when my husband is always what I call 'leisurely' with time. How do you not let it get to you? It is a challenge I am working on - not to let it stress me out when he runs behind on things that aren't set in stone timewise.

 

[tlbwriter]

Well I guess I'm wondering why you would still show up early if you know the other people are going to come late. Why not show up late yourselves? I'm assuming it's because you don't want to give in to the other people, tolerating their lateness. But then wouldn't it send a better message to just leave them when they aren't there on time?

If I absolutely knew everyone was going to be late, then yes, I'd show up late. But I am never in that situation (well, occasionally with my ILs... ). It's usually some people who are sometimes late, and others who are always on time or early, and I'm not going to show up late and disrespect them just to march in step with the latecomers.

Also, sometimes I simply don't want to be late. Going to a movie? I want to be seated before the previews start. I don't care that you CAN go to a 7:00 showing at 7:20 and still see the entire movie. I just don't like it.

 

[bluesaturn]

It's actually a character trait, a problem called "time optimism". Time optimists tend to underestimate the amount of time a thing will take, like getting dressed or driving to a location. Time pessimissts have the opposite problem. I am a time pessimisst and my DH is usually a time realist who once in a while will veer off into time optimist, so we are always on time and occasionally early unless he's by himself, in which case he will cut things v.v. close on occasion.

You see time optimism and time pessimissm in depressed folks, but it can also be a deeply ingrained personality trait that is really difficult to relearn. It has nothing to do with narcissism or benevolence. Time optimists tend to be really abjectly sorry for their lateness, but often just can't figure out WHY they're late. Time pessimists, well. We tend to be bored a lot. (I bring a book almost everywhere.)

In short, if you know someone is a time optimist, tell them to be somewhere the amount of time they are usually late. So, for one person I know, we tell her to be someplace at 7 if we want her there by 9, but for others we'd just say 8:30 for a 9 appointment.

Also, I know who my time optimist friends are and plan accordingly. I have one who was once 5 hours late for a girls' day out and I wasted a day of vacation time because of her lateness. Now, if I have a girls' day out, I make my plans and tell her where I'll be at X time. If she's there good, if not, I can have a good time anyway. If I visit her for vacation or vice versa, I make sure I have alternate plans for us if she just can't get her act together in time for the plan, and/or I make sure it's very difficult for her to put things off until the last minute - I've got shepherding without it being obvious down to a fine science.

Wow this is awesome! I never heard this before. I am definitely a time optimist, who was raised by a time optimist. And I have time pessimist family member. They will say "oh the party starts at 5, great we'll be there at 4:30?" Uh what, why would you show up 1/2 hour early?
I have to say though, I'm never hours late like the people you described. That is really really bad.

 

[jenm2878]

What drives me absolutely bonkers is that my MIL will show up 30-45 minutes early to every event. I find that to be just as rude if not more rude then showing up late. We'll invite her over for dinner at 5:00 and she'll be there no later then 4:15. We're not ready for her at 4:15, so she ends up sitting in the living room playing with the dog until we're done showering/getting ready/last minute staightening. We finally started inviting her over 30 minutes later then we intend so she will show up near when we wanted her over there.

Our promptness generally depends on the event. If someone is having a bbq and tells us to come over after 5, we generally won't come over until 5:30-6:00 which is when everyone else is showing up. For our group of friends, if we want them to come over at 8:00 we tell them 7:00. However, if we are meeting someone out for dinner/event or are going to work/appointments, we are on time 98% of the time.

 

[snarlingcoyote]

Question about this for you. In my marriage, I am like you and my husband is like your wife. However - it hasn't balanced out well yet - I don't wait well and get annoyed when my husband is always what I call 'leisurely' with time. How do you not let it get to you? It is a challenge I am working on - not to let it stress me out when he runs behind on things that aren't set in stone timewise.

You set things up so that he can't dawdle. You shepherd. He's taking a shower for a dinner date. You, being a good wife, go ahead and put his suit out on the bed for him, along with fresh underwear. While he's getting dressed, you futz around in your jewelry box so you're there and can head off any sidetracks without seeming to do so.

You know he'll take forever turning off all the lights and checking the doors, so while he's putting on his shoes, you do all of that, plus you make sure the dogs are fed and that the TV is set to record CSI.

 

[NikitaZee]

You set things up so that he can't dawdle. You shepherd. He's taking a shower for a dinner date. You, being a good wife, go ahead and put his suit out on the bed for him, along with fresh underwear. While he's getting dressed, you futz around in your jewelry box so you're there and can head off any sidetracks without seeming to do so.

You know he'll take forever turning off all the lights and checking the doors, so while he's putting on his shoes, you do all of that, plus you make sure the dogs are fed and that the TV is set to record CSI.

Haha! Love this idea.

 

[mickey&minnie04]

See, I just don't get why people get places early. Yes it's annoying that they are 30 minutes late. But why do you get there 15 minutes earlier than that?

I'm sure it's so you will still be on time if something happens, traffic or whatever. I guess that's how a punctual person thinks. But it never ever occurs to me to get somewhere early (for a social thing), it's a completely foreign concept. I swear there are such cultural differences in the value of punctuality.

Yes, it's because you never know what can happen along the way & I would rather be early and have to wait then have someone waiting for me. It it's a social event like a birthday party for a family member or something I'm not so worried. But, when we are meeting someone somewhere to attend something like a movie that has a specific start time I want to be early, I don't want to be the cause of someone missing the movie start or losing a dinner reservation.

 

[timmac]

Arriving early for a party is considered to be far more rude than arriving "fashionably late".

In the case of a party, or similar event that is happening over a span of time, I think that's totally fine, to be "late". The start time isn't critical then.

An appointment, or meeting up with someone (to give them something, for instance), is different because the starting time is relevant.

 

[mhsjax]

I'm not talking about work. I don't think there's an excuse to be late to work. So I'm not sure how showing up late to dinner would affect the economy?

Ok. so lets talk dinner. HOw about if I invite you over for dinner, I cook all day and have it done and hot a the time I told you to be there, you, in your opinion, think that it is ok to be late and now the dinner is getting dried out or it cold and everyone else is having to wait on you.

Or if it is dinner out, we usually have a reservation at a restaurant, if you are late, they may not hold the table, or if they do, you are potentially messing up the next reservation by holding up their table. either way, it is very rude and it looks as though you think more of yourself and your time than anyone else's.

NOw it doesn't affect the economy, but the people that may have gotten their plans screwed up because of you, or the dinner that isn't very good because you decided to be late. it does affect those things and puts you in a bad light.

 

[mickey&minnie04]

We had a family reunion 2 weeks ago that was scheduled to start at 12:30. We were early so we stopped to get a pretzel tray so we would not show up early. We got there right at 12:30....no one else started showing up until 1 and most not until 1:30. The whole time the host and hostess were thinking that no one was showing up.....Is that fair to put them through that? In my opinion no. So if you say party starts at 12:30, I'll be pulling into your driveway at 12:30. We will leave early but if we would end up arriving before the time told, we will take a scenic drive to kill 10 minutes.