What would you do if...

[mhsjax]

Yep, I had prematrial sex. I also had enough birth control on me to make sure I never got pregnant ( I mean, I was on the pill, plus used a diaprahm) and I made sure that any man who remotely got next to me had on slip covers and I'm decidely prochoice so If I had gotten pregnant, I would have evaluated my situation and decided whether or not to keep said child. In college definitely NOT.

And yes, when my dh and I decided to have kids (5 years after we got married) it was because we were ready to and had our house and although we had no idea how much a kid would cost, we both had good paying jobs.

Then you are one of the few that has a triple redundant system. I am betting that 99% of people don't. And as you stated, and I agree that we need to stop sugar coating everything, including birth control. It fails, and a condom isn't the end all be all. For procreation or lack of it, and for STD's.

All of that being said, I cannot fathom how any mom would force her child into the streets. There is no excuse for that at the ripe old age of 15. And I stand by what I said that the mom who does that, shouldn't be a mom in the first place.

Make rules for your kid and your grandchild, she can finish school, get a job and support herself and the baby. And I don't buy the waking up everyone in the house, most memare quite capable of sleeping through anything as are the other teens or kids in the house. So what if you have to wake up the kid to make her feed that baby, I wake up several times a night, it is no big deal and it doesn't last long. These are all just excuses to not deal with a pregnant teen. Kicking her out to the street just makes problems for everyone, and really what "human" could actually do that to another one, especially a helpless baby. Their time will come, Karma is a *****.

 

[Colleen27]

You mention being pressured to drop out of school, only the parent can do that. The school system can NOT do that, its against the law. Nor can they make her give up extra curricular activities unless it is something that is dangerous for the baby. For a young man that does step up to take care of his child, then yes he will have to give up as much as she does for the child. Hard to play baseball, go to school and keep a job to pay for diapers, clothes, food, etc.

Many, many, many males will, in fact, have the same emotional baggage as the girl when it comes to the pregnancy being aborted or their child being given up for adoption.

I don't think we give enough credit to young men and their feelings toward their own child.

Schools can't require a pregnant teen to drop out, but they certainly can make it the more attractive option. For example, the school I attended had a strict "5 absences in a semester and you lose credit" policy. It wasn't targeted at pregnant teens but it certainly did make them think twice about continuing to attend, knowing that they'd lose credit at the very least for the semester in which they delivered and in all probability for the morning sickness semester as well. They can call you in to the counselor's office to talk up the perks of the alternative school, kick you out of any extracurriculars with a leadership element on the grounds of being a bad example, etc. And there are a million other little things that can make the school environment hostile to a pregnant teen. Sure, it might not be entirely above board but how many parents are going to hire a lawyer and fight the school board in the name of their pregnant kid? No student at the school I attended carried a pregnancy to term while attending. That wasn't coincidence.

And perhaps we do underestimate a man's connection to his children but I think there's ample basis for that. I know many men who have children they don't see, don't support, or both. Some were even married and planned those children, but when the marriage ended so did their involvement. And teenagers are fickle; any woman would be a fool to take the promises of a teenage father-to-be into account when making the decision of what to do about an unplanned pregnancy.

 

[luvsJack]

what's so ironic LJ is that we have an epidemic of "fatherless" children now. that's exactly what men are saying today. I was watching the NBA draft last night and darn near every player had the same song and dance. Heck Terril Owen was just on Dr. Phil last month, what 7 kids all different baby mama drama. not taking care of a single one of them, hasn't seen most of them in years AND he's a grown man.

Raised by a single mom, hasn't seen dad in years.

So these guys are walking away without so much as a see you later. I'm a minority and it's a huge problem in my community. Young girl gets pregnant, within 2 years young girl and baby are now the problem of the mom, who herself is a good chance of being a single mom.

What I wonder, though, is how much of that very epidemic is a result of our taking away the males right to any say of what happens in the pregnancy?

Most people (and of course there are always exceptions and always people, male and female, that are just plain sorry and won't) tend to take responsibility of something they have a stake in on the front end.

I don't know the answers, I guess no one does. But, it just seems like the boys in these situations are usually the ones stuck with no options and no voice. Of course, so many do just walk away. Its just sad.

 

[Pigeon]

You're not the first person to suggest that the options are that the daughter terminate the pregnancy, give the child up for adoption, or the grandparent raises that child.

The daughter remaining in the home with reasonable assistance from family does not mean that she isn't 'raising the child' nor does it put the grandparent in the position of raising it. It doesn't even require long-term involvement of the grandparent.

In every case I've witnessed, the major burden for raising the child falls on the grandparents. I've also never seen a situation where it's turned out well for the girl who got pregnant or for the baby.

My definition of "reasonable assistance" would include continuing to feed, clothe and shelter my child. Period, end of story. I have no interest in taking on any baby raising responsibilities at all. Nor do I think the other children in the family should have their childhood altered by their sister's irresponsible decisions.

I wouldn't throw her out, but I would make abundantly clear that she is no way ready to have a child or be a decent parent, and keeping a baby is by far the worst of her alternatives. If she did decide to keep it, I wouldn't be providing or paying for child care, so there goes her education, her dreams and her life.

 

[Tiggeroo]

I am surprised that so many women are comfortable giving their grandchild up for adoption. It will be your grandbaby and you will not know how that child is doing or if he is loved or cared for.
I would be upset and it would require changes but I would want the baby kept in the family. I would support my dd and she would be responsible for the majority of child care. She would not be able to live the typical life of a high school girl. Although you can be compassionate when possible. College would be Community Coll. living at home and the degree would have to be one that would provide a fairly stable income. I would not be parenting but I would be co-parenting/supportive. When she was finished hs and maybe half way thru college she would be expected to be out on her own with the baby.
No perfect solution but what's done is done. And I'd take her to the dr. for an implant form of bc.
I would also get to know the baby's father a bit before I encouraged involvement. If he was bad news I'd rather do without child support than have his involvement.

 

[mhsjax]

Yep, I had prematrial sex. I also had enough birth control on me to make sure I never got pregnant ( I mean, I was on the pill, plus used a diaprahm) and I made sure that any man who remotely got next to me had on slip covers and I'm decidely prochoice so If I had gotten pregnant, I would have evaluated my situation and decided whether or not to keep said child. In college definitely NOT.

And yes, when my dh and I decided to have kids (5 years after we got married) it was because we were ready to and had our house and although we had no idea how much a kid would cost, we both had good paying jobs.

I have taught my sons that birth control is not fool proof and that not every girl will tell them the truth when it comes to birth control and we've also told them what they can expect if they get a girl pregnant. Luckily they grew up in the inner city so they were exposed to girls getting pregnant young, we taught them about prematerial sex since and bc since they were young. They have seen with their own eyes the rough lives MOST (not all) of these girls are living. It's funny because lots of folks thought we were ridiculously strick by not letting them date until jr/sr year.

Now my oldest is an asperger kid so we have a bit more control over his life even as he is getting older. emotional issues are a bit different with him.

Like I said, I don't know many folks who were in this scenerio but the few I do know, not one single solitary one ended up being any thing but a total disaster. from the nanosecond the teen had the child until now. I would love it to end like they do on ABC family but that hasn't happen yet.

WE also agree on the birth control speech with our sons also. I have told mine repeatedly that girls lie and will say they are on birth control. And that if and when they have sex to use a condom. I also told them that they would pay child support, but only after I have confirmation that the child is his, saw to much of that also. Not just in teens but in adults.

I will also say IMHO, that this is probably a situation that you won't find yourself in because of the way you raised your kids. I also bet that when it came down to it, you would never kick your kid out. YOu don't invest this much time and though and just shove them out without trying to work things out and coming to a reasonable solution.

 

[luvsJack]

Schools can't require a pregnant teen to drop out, but they certainly can make it the more attractive option. For example, the school I attended had a strict "5 absences in a semester and you lose credit" policy. It wasn't targeted at pregnant teens but it certainly did make them think twice about continuing to attend, knowing that they'd lose credit at the very least for the semester in which they delivered and in all probability for the morning sickness semester as well. They can call you in to the counselor's office to talk up the perks of the alternative school, kick you out of any extracurriculars with a leadership element on the grounds of being a bad example, etc. And there are a million other little things that can make the school environment hostile to a pregnant teen. Sure, it might not be entirely above board but how many parents are going to hire a lawyer and fight the school board in the name of their pregnant kid? No student at the school I attended carried a pregnancy to term while attending. That wasn't coincidence.

And perhaps we do underestimate a man's connection to his children but I think there's ample basis for that. I know many men who have children they don't see, don't support, or both. Some were even married and planned those children, but when the marriage ended so did their involvement. And teenagers are fickle; any woman would be a fool to take the promises of a teenage father-to-be into account when making the decision of what to do about an unplanned pregnancy.

I would take it to a lawyer. They can't kick her out of anything. That's federal law. They can't do it. It doesn't take a lot to fight it, just a call to the right organization.

DD's high school has a limit of 2 absence per semester. But, if she comes down with mono or some other long term illness, they cannot fail her. She will have dr. excuses. A pregnant teen could have the same thing. If the girl has her family behind her, the schools cannot do these things.

I'm not saying I would fight for my dd to keep her child in the instance of pregnancy. But, I am certainly not going to allow her high school to pressure her into an abortion. Again, its HER choice.

We had 4 pregnant girls at graduation waaayy back in 81. I wasn't showing yet, but some were. No one was pressured to do anything.

 

[mhsjax]

I am surprised that so many women are comfortable giving their grandchild up for adoption. It will be your grandbaby and you will not know how that child is doing or if he is loved or cared for.
I would be upset and it would require changes but I would want the baby kept in the family. I would support my dd and she would be responsible for the majority of child care. She would not be able to live the typical life of a high school girl. Although you can be compassionate when possible. College would be Community Coll. living at home and the degree would have to be one that would provide a fairly stable income. I would not be parenting but I would be co-parenting/supportive. When she was finished hs and maybe half way thru college she would be expected to be out on her own with the baby.
No perfect solution but what's done is done. And I'd take her to the dr. for an implant form of bc.
I would also get to know the baby's father a bit before I encouraged involvement. If he was bad news I'd rather do without child support than have his involvement.

My bets friend was one of these women, until it happened to her, no way did she want the girl to abort or give up her grand child and she was so happy when she didn't. Unfortunately it was the mom that was bad news, she used the young man and had sex with him just after she found out she was pregnant with another boys child, but she didn't want him to be the father. Some girls are true scum, just as some boys are. None can be trusted to the fullest.

 

[sbell111]

My definition of "reasonable assistance" would include continuing to feed, clothe and shelter my child. Period, end of story. I have no interest in taking on any baby raising responsibilities at all. Nor do I think the other children in the family should have their childhood altered by their sister's irresponsible decisions.

My definition of 'reasonable assistance' would include the very things that I would do for my grandchild if my daughter was 25 when the baby was born. It includes spoiling the pudding out him, buying him whatever he needs, caring for him when I can and it is needed, and providing him and his mother shelter if they need it. The fact that his mother was fifteen when she got pregnant does not play into it, at all. He's my grandson. She's my daughter. They automatically get any assistance that I can offer. If that results in my getting less sleep then that's too darn bad.

 

[Pigeon]

I am surprised that so many women are comfortable giving their grandchild up for adoption. It will be your grandbaby and you will not know how that child is doing or if he is loved or cared for.
I would be upset and it would require changes but I would want the baby kept in the family. I would support my dd and she would be responsible for the majority of child care. She would not be able to live the typical life of a high school girl. Although you can be compassionate when possible. College would be Community Coll. living at home and the degree would have to be one that would provide a fairly stable income. I would not be parenting but I would be co-parenting/supportive. When she was finished hs and maybe half way thru college she would be expected to be out on her own with the baby.
No perfect solution but what's done is done. And I'd take her to the dr. for an implant form of bc.
I would also get to know the baby's father a bit before I encouraged involvement. If he was bad news I'd rather do without child support than have his involvement.

My kids are adopted. I'd have no qualms at all with a having the baby placed for adoption. The baby would go to parents who are financially stable and who are ready to parent, as opposed to being raised by a fifteen year old who is completely unsuitable for parenthood. The pregnant girl can pick out the family herself and she can demand an open adoption if that's what she wants.

 

[Pigeon]

My definition of 'reasonable assistance' would include the very things that I would do for my grandchild if my daughter was 25 when the baby was born. It includes spoiling the pudding out him, buying him whatever he needs, caring for him when I can and it is needed, and providing him and his mother shelter if they need it. The fact that his mother was fifteen when she got pregnant does not play into it, at all. He's my grandson. She's my daughter. They automatically get any assistance that I can offer. If that results in my getting less sleep then that's too darn bad.

OK, you are entitled to do whatever you want. I don't intend to raise my grandchildren at any age. I love my daughter and expect her to turn into a responsible adult who raises her own children.

 

[mhsjax]

In every case I've witnessed, the major burden for raising the child falls on the grandparents. I've also never seen a situation where it's turned out well for the girl who got pregnant or for the baby.

My definition of "reasonable assistance" would include continuing to feed, clothe and shelter my child. Period, end of story. I have no interest in taking on any baby raising responsibilities at all. Nor do I think the other children in the family should have their childhood altered by their sister's irresponsible decisions.

I wouldn't throw her out, but I would make abundantly clear that she is no way ready to have a child or be a decent parent, and keeping a baby is by far the worst of her alternatives. If she did decide to keep it, I wouldn't be providing or paying for child care, so there goes her education, her dreams and her life.

So then she never gets to make a better life for herself or more importantly her baby. Talk about perpetuating a life style. The mom has no life, therefor the baby has no life so she goes out and get pregnant by the first guy that give her any love, and the cycle continues.

A family sticks together, thru good and bad times. Anything else, isn't' a family.

 

[sbell111]

OK, you are entitled to do whatever you want. I don't intend to raise my grandchildren at any age. I love my daughter and expect her to turn into a responsible adult who raises her own children.

In my opinion, you continue to misuse the word 'raise', but whatever.

 

[Colleen27]

Like I said, I don't know many folks who were in this scenerio but the few I do know, not one single solitary one ended up being any thing but a total disaster. from the nanosecond the teen had the child until now. I would love it to end like they do on ABC family but that hasn't happen yet.

I've known a lot of pregnant teens through a RL charity I used to work with an an online forum I was active in, and I've seen a lot of happy endings. I've also seen a lot of bad situations that just drag on and on. And in my experience, age is the strongest and most typically accurate predictive factor of how it will turn out (along with how functional the mother's family is to begin with - a lot of the worst situations are bad long before the teen gets pregnant). Teens who have babies at 18/19 tend to find ways to move on in life; teens that have babies at 15/16 tend to be train wrecks, for lack of a more tactful term.

 

[Pigeon]

So then she never gets to make a better life for herself or more importantly her baby. Talk about perpetuating a life style. The mom has no life, therefor the baby has no life so she goes out and get pregnant by the first guy that give her any love, and the cycle continues.

Which is why she shouldn't be deciding to keep a baby in the first place.

 

[alex9179]

I am surprised that so many women are comfortable giving their grandchild up for adoption. It will be your grandbaby and you will not know how that child is doing or if he is loved or cared for.
I would be upset and it would require changes but I would want the baby kept in the family. I would support my dd and she would be responsible for the majority of child care. She would not be able to live the typical life of a high school girl. Although you can be compassionate when possible. College would be Community Coll. living at home and the degree would have to be one that would provide a fairly stable income. I would not be parenting but I would be co-parenting/supportive. When she was finished hs and maybe half way thru college she would be expected to be out on her own with the baby.
No perfect solution but what's done is done. And I'd take her to the dr. for an implant form of bc.
I would also get to know the baby's father a bit before I encouraged involvement. If he was bad news I'd rather do without child support than have his involvement.

My children's birth grandmothers (grandfathers are not in the picture) were very supportive overall, although there were some difficult times. They were not in a place to raise all 3 and once they realized that their children could/would not raise the kids they felt that we were the best thing for them. I think it helps that we have an open relationship. For us, it's important that the kids have access to their roots and it's very easy to maintain contact with the extended family. I know adoptions don't always stay open, for various reasons. It's a scary thing for the birth family to consider.

 

[mhsjax]

Which is why she shouldn't be deciding to keep a baby in the first place.

True, but it doesn't always work out that way. And you do't know how you would feel if God forbid, it ever happened. You could actually change your mind.

 

[Pigeon]

True, but it doesn't always work out that way. And you do't know how you would feel if God forbid, it ever happened. You could actually change your mind.

Maybe, but I've got a daughter who is a month away from being 15, so I have a pretty good idea.

 

[mhsjax]

Maybe, but I've got a daughter who is a month away from being 15, so I have a pretty good idea.

Well hopefully neither one of us will ever have to find out.

 

[penn19]

Which is why she shouldn't be deciding to keep a baby in the first place.

I understand that things happen, but I am raising (yes, I am raising them) to not think that having a baby at 15/16 or before marriage is something that is acceptable. Would I kick them out on the streets? No, but I want them to know that I would not be happy and it shouldn't even be an option for them.

I get the family thing, but man, why would you want a kid of 15 saddled with having a child? Their whole life ahead of them. Sometimes yes, it works out with the happy ending, but why take that chance and put yourself and the rest of the family through that?