What would you do if...

[mhsjax]

I understand that things happen, but I am raising (yes, I am raising them) to not think that having a baby at 15/16 or before marriage is something that is acceptable. Would I kick them out on the streets? No, but I want them to know that I would not be happy and it shouldn't even be an option for them.

I get the family thing, but man, why would you want a kid of 15 saddled with having a child? Their whole life ahead of them. Sometimes yes, it works out with the happy ending, but why take that chance and put yourself and the rest of the family through that?

I think in all my posts, it may seem like I am ok with my DD or DS making a baby, FAR FROM IT. I would be beyond livid. I won't sit here and say that I would encourage them to put it up for adoption, although I believe I would. What I can guarantee that I won't do is kick my child to the street for not doing what I want her to do.

It's funny, and I know it isn't exactly the same, But quite some time ago I posted that I in no way would be taking care of my grandkids so that both of their parents could work. I wasn't a daycare, I got so many nasty remarks about how could I be that way, these are my grandkids. Again, not the same, if my child did get pregnant at an early age, and for what ever reason she kept the baby, I would 100% help her out to get on her feet and continue her life in a very productive manner. After they are out of the house and independent, then NOPE, those kids are yours.

 

[luvsJack]

As an adult male, my answer to that question is a resounding YES.
Any male having sex should understand that sex leads to babies. Further, he should go into it with the knowledge that the resulting baby might be kept and that he would have significant obligations to that baby.
I don't believe that anyone in this thread is suggesting that the father shouldn't be able to weigh in on the issue. He just doesn't get to make the decision. It's kind of like being married...

The same should be said of any female having sex.

I have two sons. One has two children, the first was born out of wedlock (he wasn't a teen)--and I thank the Lord every day that she had the decency to involve him in all decisions that were made about that baby from the moment she found out she was pregnant.

You don't make final decisions in your marriage?

 

[epcot.girl]

In the scenario where the father wants an abortion and mother does not he should be able to sign away his parental rights. He gets no contact but also shares no financial burden.

I agree. I'm very pro-choice (obviously from my last post!) and I believe the choice between continuing and ending a pregnancy should be entirely down to the female. BUT the male should also have some rights and the 'signing away rights and responsibilities' is something I support. Especially in cases where women are doing crazy devious things like stealing sperm from oral sex to get pregnant (and then suing for support).

Obviously the right regulations would have to be set up (like a time limit from finding out to termination of rights much like females have a time limit for deciding to end the pregnancy).

 

[mellowmood]

Emancipation is a voluntary act taken on by the minor, you cannot force your minor to be emancipated, which again makes kicking a 15 y.o. pregnant girl illegal.

FYI parents can file for emancipation.

I love how people with thousands of posts can pull their holier than thou attitude on everyone. Maybe if you shut your computers down and spent time with your perfect children you wouldn't have all these issues. That's just my opinion.

 

[mhsjax]

FYI parents can file for emancipation.

I love how people with thousands of posts can pull their holier than thou attitude on everyone. Maybe if you shut your computers down and spent time with your perfect children you wouldn't have all these issues. That's just my opinion.

Yes but the child has to be 16 in most areas, have disciplinary problems. Or the child must be able to provide for herself. So, not exactly what some of the posters here have been talking about.

In Florida it has to be proven that the child can care and provide for herself and any dependents and NOT be on public assistance.

Wow, also looks like in the state of NY, the emancipated minor has to be 16, not dependent on public assistance or child support unless court mandated and, here is the good one, the emancipated minor can sue the parent for support if the parent forced the child out.

May not be as easy as Cornflake would like it to be.

 

[Hrhpd]

You act as if you would be on the hook for 18 more years. In reality, it would simply be more work (or different work, depending on how you looked at it and managed it) for a few years.

It should be noted that you hypothetically raised that 'irresponsible child'. Her mistakes are your mistakes. Welcome to Parenthood 101.

I wouldn't say that. My mom turns 80 this year and she has raised 2 grandchildren, now 16 and 18, since they were toddlers. My brother helps, but the mother is absent. I help out too. Luckily we have a very close knit family andvwevhave all parented the children together.

 

[RitaZ.]

I've known a lot of pregnant teens through a RL charity I used to work with an an online forum I was active in, and I've seen a lot of happy endings. I've also seen a lot of bad situations that just drag on and on. And in my experience, age is the strongest and most typically accurate predictive factor of how it will turn out (along with how functional the mother's family is to begin with - a lot of the worst situations are bad long before the teen gets pregnant). Teens who have babies at 18/19 tend to find ways to move on in life; teens that have babies at 15/16 tend to be train wrecks, for lack of a more tactful term.

One of DH's relatives was pregnant at that age and she was (still is at 40) a train wreck. Adoption was discouraged by her family because they were not the kind of people to give away their own flesh and blood. So they said. Teen mom decided to have the baby and raise it with the help of her mom. That innocent baby was put through the wringer while teen mom was allowed to "parent". The grandmother eventually had to seek legal custody of the child, but this didn't happen until the little girl was 8 or 9. Later, when she was in her late teens, she sought out her biological father. She found out that her father had 5 children by 4 different women. He never paid child support for her because he was a pos and none of the adults in her life pursued it through the legal system. There are so many ugly details that I could go into, but I won't. Just a bunch of selfish and inept people making really bad decisions, over and over.

There is no doubt in my mind that she would have had a better life if she had been adopted by a loving family. She probably would have questioned why she was given up for adoption, but once she met her biological parents, she would have been grateful that she was adopted.

 

[eliza61]

WE also agree on the birth control speech with our sons also. I have told mine repeatedly that girls lie and will say they are on birth control. And that if and when they have sex to use a condom. I also told them that they would pay child support, but only after I have confirmation that the child is his, saw to much of that also. Not just in teens but in adults.

I will also say IMHO, that this is probably a situation that you won't find yourself in because of the way you raised your kids. I also bet that when it came down to it, you would never kick your kid out. YOu don't invest this much time and though and just shove them out without trying to work things out and coming to a reasonable solution.

You could be right. I'm definitely looking from the proverbial "monday morning" quaterback position. but even now, we drill into my youngest, soon to be a bearcat's head, get a girl pregnant in college and you can kiss that life goodby. so think long and hard about the consequences of getting it on.

Interestingly enough, I've spoke with 2 of my siblings and asked them about this questions (none of my siblings are grandparents) what's interesting is that both are my brothers and both claim they KNEW they were not getting a girl pregnant out of wedlock. translation: took birth control really serious. response: Are you kidding? dad would have killed us right before he tossed us out the house. LOL. my youngest sibling did unfortunately get hooked on alcohol and drugs and was promptly thrown out until he was clean and sober. It was also another generation (we're all between mid 50's-60's), teenage pregnancy simply was "accepted" like it is now.

I would definitely try to work with them but truthfully I would need to know some cold hard facts.

1) who's paying for food for kid, doctors visits, etc etc
2) who's watching kid when your at school (not me sweetie).
3) how long do you plan on living here? Sorry but any thing beyond 4 years is not acceptable. So at 18 can you get a job that will pay a rent in SJ?
4) what about the childs father? planning on marrying him. I laugh when people say that the should not get married because it might "ruin" their lives but they have no problem ruining everyone elses life. really?

And if they can't come up with acceptable solutions also, then yes they have to consider adoption or abortion.

 

[sbell111]

You don't make final decisions in your marriage?

That's food for a different thread, but No, I do not make final decisions in my marriage solely because I am the man. Major decisions in a marriage need to be shared.

 

[sbell111]

I wouldn't say that. My mom turns 80 this year and she has raised 2 grandchildren, now 16 and 18, since they were toddlers. My brother helps, but the mother is absent. I help out too. Luckily we have a very close knit family andvwevhave all parented the children together.

Who's children are they? Your post didn't make it clear.

 

[cornflake]

I understand that the situation was out of the parent's control. But what is your solution then? Turn her and the baby out of the house to live on the streets?

Yes, she made a very poor choice and yes it does have consequences. But what I'm flabbergasted with is how callous some of you are. This is your daughter, someone you love who made a poor decision. And your response is what? Punish her apparently? She will have to deal with having a baby by taking care of it. I'm not advocating she just pop the kid out and hand her over to her parents while she goes back to her carefree teenager life. What I am advocating is using this to teach her responsibility but not by throwing her out. What on earth is she supposed to do on the streets? Take herself and your grandbaby to the homeless shelter? Start a life of prostitution to provide for them? I just can't imagine.

We're not talking about one poor decision, we're talking about a cascade of them, if we go with the 'your 15-year-old is pregnant and wants to keep the baby'

- Having sex without proper protection.
- Not taking post-sex precautions.
- Not getting an abortion.
- Not finding nice adoptive parents.

A cascade of bad decisions. Again, the tossing out is meant to encourage reconsideration of the errant thought process here, because the thought process has resulted in 'I, a 15-year-old who is unable to support myself, should have a child and attempt to support and raise it, though I have no basis for doing so."

Hence, I'd try to get them to recognize the problems with their thought process. Because I'm not supporting your kid. Period. So, how do you plan to do that? Where do you plan to live with said kid? Where are you going to go to school? How are you going to afford maternity jeans? How do you plan to buy diapers, onsies, cloths, wipes, a bassinet, a crib, etc., etc., etc.? How are you going to pay for childcare so you can work and go to school? How do you plan to pay for preschool when you're like 17 or 18? How do you plan to pay for dr.s visits? You still think this is your plan? Good, go nuts, leave a fwding address.

No one is talking about they WANT to toss their kid out, but if the kid pushes that far, you have to do what you said you'd do - and you can't be manipulated into becoming defacto parents to a baby because your 15-year-old wants something that is a terrible idea, imo.

As I said way back, in my experience, this has never been necessary, because it's a line in the sand drawn so firmly that no one I've known has been willing to cross it. Which no, doesn't mean no one would, and yes, as MsPete pointed out, it's a self-selecting group. However, tis what it tis. Hopefully no kid of mine is stupid enough to get through the first bad decision in the list, nevermind cascade down through the second, third, etc. If they did, we have a serious come to jesus talk. If someone wants to push it that far, their decision.

 

[Elinor Dashwood]

We're not talking about one poor decision, we're talking about a cascade of them, if we go with the 'your 15-year-old is pregnant and wants to keep the baby'

- Having sex without proper protection.
- Not taking post-sex precautions.
- Not getting an abortion.
- Not finding nice adoptive parents.

A cascade of bad decisions. Again, the tossing out is meant to encourage reconsideration of the errant thought process here, because the thought process has resulted in 'I, a 15-year-old who is unable to support myself, should have a child and attempt to support and raise it, though I have no basis for doing so."

Hence, I'd try to get them to recognize the problems with their thought process. Because I'm not supporting your kid. Period. So, how do you plan to do that? Where do you plan to live with said kid? Where are you going to go to school? How are you going to afford maternity jeans? How do you plan to buy diapers, onsies, cloths, wipes, a bassinet, a crib, etc., etc., etc.? How are you going to pay for childcare so you can work and go to school? How do you plan to pay for preschool when you're like 17 or 18? How do you plan to pay for dr.s visits? You still think this is your plan? Good, go nuts, leave a fwding address.

No one is talking about they WANT to toss their kid out, but if the kid pushes that far, you have to do what you said you'd do - and you can't be manipulated into becoming defacto parents to a baby because your 15-year-old wants something that is a terrible idea, imo.

As I said way back, in my experience, this has never been necessary, because it's a line in the sand drawn so firmly that no one I've known has been willing to cross it. Which no, doesn't mean no one would, and yes, as MsPete pointed out, it's a self-selecting group. However, tis what it tis. Hopefully no kid of mine is stupid enough to get through the first bad decision in the list, nevermind cascade down through the second, third, etc. If they did, we have a serious come to jesus talk. If someone wants to push it that far, their decision.

I respectfully disagree. Not having an abortion is not IMO a poor decision, nor is giving the baby away.

So your tossing your 15 year old pregnant daughter out of your home is meant to force her into giving the baby up or having an abortion? Good God, really? I guess so long as she makes the choice that you agree with, then she can move back home with you? I'm speechless.

 

[bdcp]

I respectfully disagree. Not having an abortion is not IMO a poor decision, nor is giving the baby away.

So your tossing your 15 year old pregnant daughter out of your home is meant to force her into giving the baby up or having an abortion? Good God, really? I guess so long as she makes the choice that you agree with, then she can move back home with you? I'm speechless.

I agree with you. That is terribly sad and quite a pathetic statement about the poster and their "parenting". Even "good" kids from good families and upbringings sometimes end up pregnant. Just as grown women who know better also end up pregnant.

The pp is just compounding the problem, not making it better or fixing anything. Wow.

I have sons (26 and 28) but that said, I would help my daughter through what can only be described as a difficult time. Having a baby at 15 does not mean her life is over. Lots of single/teenage mothers continue their education with the support of their families and quite a few get college degrees. I, for one, would do what I needed to in order to make sure that baby, who never asked to be conceived, and is NOT a MISTAKE, had a loving home and upbringing. DH agrees with everything I've posted also.

 

[cornflake]

I respectfully disagree. Not having an abortion is not IMO a poor decision, nor is giving the baby away.

So your tossing your 15 year old pregnant daughter out of your home is meant to force her into giving the baby up or having an abortion? Good God, really? I guess so long as she makes the choice that you agree with, then she can move back home with you? I'm speechless.

It's meant to force her to recognize the reality of her situation - she's 15. She is not educated or well-employed. She cannot care for a child successfully. Thus, what are her options? I would want her to take a realistic look at her actual options and come to a reasonable, responsible, realistic conclusion.

I'm not helping her derail her life - and everyone else's in the house. Will not. If I *didn't* care, I might. Hopefully, yes, she'll be responsible and realize she should've not made bad decisions 1-4, but it's not too late, so let's get on that and then get to school, and the weekly lectures on how I cannot believe the stupidity of bad decisions 1 and 2 and how much all the free time in the world will be spend on school from here until there's at least a college degree in hand.

 

[Elinor Dashwood]

It's meant to force her to recognize the reality of her situation - she's 15. She is not educated or well-employed. She cannot care for a child successfully. Thus, what are her options? I would want her to take a realistic look at her actual options and come to a reasonable, responsible, realistic conclusion.

I'm not helping her derail her life - and everyone else's in the house. Will not. If I *didn't* care, I might. Hopefully, yes, she'll be responsible and realize she should've not made bad decisions 1-4, but it's not too late, so let's get on that and then get to school, and the weekly lectures on how I cannot believe the stupidity of bad decisions 1 and 2 and how much all the free time in the world will be spend on school from here until there's at least a college degree in hand.

I think she'll fully realize the reality of her situation when her body changes and balloons before her eyes while her 15 year old gf's are still sporting their skinny jeans. Or perhaps when she's pushing her baby out of her ******. Or when she has to sit on an inflatable donut because her backside hurts after delivery. Or when her breasts swell from the incoming breast milk and are hard as a rock. Or how her jeans won't fit anymore after the baby is born. Or getting up several times a night to feed her baby. Or trying to stay awake in class because she was up all night with a colicky newborn. Or having to stay home night after night while her friends go out shopping, movies, parties, etc. because she has a baby to care for. That sounds like reality to me. And it didn't involve throwing her out on her backside to conform to decisions like abortion or adoption.

 

[AntePrincess]

Ok, ok, I'm back. I guess you can't properly YAGE unless you do it more than once.

Having reflected on everything, I can say a PP nailed it on the head when they figured my response as a kneejerk reaction. I guess we now know how I'll act out the initial panic. DH and I figure what we'd do is reassure our kid, bite our tongues, and make appropriate doctors' appointments. We'd rather our 15yo did not raise a child and we'd rather not adopt out a relative, but I'm pretty sure I can get over that to support my daughter and be there for her emotionally as well as financially and pragmatically. We'd offer right upfront to adopt and raise the grandkid ourselves, making whatever allowances if she was adamant on keeping and raising the baby herself (such as being more involved in the early years while she's still in school and stepping back later, no matter how hard that is, which requires her to really be there and present as a parent during those early years).

If she did decide she wanted to adopt the child out, I would be upfront with the fact that I'd really prefer she didn't, I'd sign us up for family counseling because I know if we didn't need it before the pregnancy we're sure going to need it as she and I butt heads over adoption, and I'd pursue my legal options for adoption and custody.

 

[Colleen27]

I agree with you. That is terribly sad and quite a pathetic statement about the poster and their "parenting". Even "good" kids from good families and upbringings sometimes end up pregnant. Just as grown women who know better also end up pregnant.

Very seldom at 15, though. Good kids from good families sometimes end up pregnant at 17 or 18 when they're at that crossroads of teenage invulnerability and feeling like they're adult enough to deal with things like sex and love. But for the most part, middle class teens from strong families aren't having sex at very young ages. The younger a teen is when they first start experimenting with sex the more likely it is that there is a history there encouraging that behaviour.

 

[luvsJack]

That's food for a different thread, but No, I do not make final decisions in my marriage solely because I am the man. Major decisions in a marriage need to be shared.

EXACTLY!! And that is how I feel it should happen in a pregnancy! If the guy doesn't WANT to be a part of the decision, that's his choice, but he should have the option.

I do ask though, what do you mean "because I am the man"? I don't make the final decisions. We discuss it and come to a decision we both can live with. Maybe that means he just lets me have my way, because he knows that IS easier to live with?

 

[Pigeon]

I respectfully disagree. Not having an abortion is not IMO a poor decision, nor is giving the baby away.

So your tossing your 15 year old pregnant daughter out of your home is meant to force her into giving the baby up or having an abortion? Good God, really? I guess so long as she makes the choice that you agree with, then she can move back home with you? I'm speechless.

There are three choices, none of them good. We just differ in how we rank them. I would put having a baby and keeping it at age fifteen light years behind either of the other two. Your mileage obviously varies.

 

[Colleen27]

I think she'll fully realize the reality of her situation when her body changes and balloons before her eyes while her 15 year old gf's are still sporting their skinny jeans. Or perhaps when she's pushing her baby out of her ******. Or when she has to sit on an inflatable donut because her backside hurts after delivery. Or when her breasts swell from the incoming breast milk and are hard as a rock. Or how her jeans won't fit anymore after the baby is born. Or getting up several times a night to feed her baby. Or trying to stay awake in class because she was up all night with a colicky newborn. Or having to stay home night after night while her friends go out shopping, movies, parties, etc. because she has a baby to care for. That sounds like reality to me.

That's only one facet of reality, though. It isn't truly reality to experience the physical changes and demands of motherhood while being protected from the financial and practical concerns.