What would you do if...

[Kennywife]

Regarding the first bolded segment: rightly or wrongly, it's entirely possible any woman of any age (but especially a teenager) doesn't view the family members the way they see themselves. She may feel letting someone with whom she's not connected is the best option for the baby.

On the second bolded section, it's too bad the quoted poster thinks unrelated adoption shows spite for the pregnant woman's relatives. There are thousands of people who try/wait for years to adopt a baby. They submit to all kinds of invasive and intensive investigation to make sire they'll be good parents.

How is it spiteful for a pregnant woman to arrange to have the child's she bears loved and raised in one of these families?

It's not. I know families who have adopted and the kids are doing wonderful! I have a friend who is adopted who is thankful for her adoption because her parents gave her a wonderful life and she would never want it any other way.

 

[SaraJayne]

This has been such an interesting discussion. I never imagined I would get so many responses!

I've talked to the 15 year old a few times since I posted this question. She has made up her mind and there is no changing it. She says she knows how hard it will be but she's ready for the responsibility.

I wanted to add that this girls mom had her when she was 16. The mom has another child who is 5. This 15 year old knows how hard it is to raise a baby with a father who is in & out of their lives.

Even as an adult, you have no concept of how truly hard it is to raise a baby until you actually experience it. So she may say she knows how hard it is, but she won't know until that baby is actually here.

 

[eliza61]

Oh, I certainly agree that there should be a true picture in the girl's mind of what the end result of any choice would be.

But, saying to my 15 year old, if you choose "this" you must find a place to live is = turning my back on her for her choice, imo. And is insuring that her life will be lived in poverty and that she and the baby (if she chooses to keep the child) will certainly become one of the statistics.

The best choice a 15 year old can make is to make sure a pregnancy does not happen in the first place and I hope and pray THAT is the choice my dd will continue to make.

You mention an adult child moving home with a baby. I am in the process of making that very choice. My adult ds is married and has two children. His little family may very well be moving in with us in the next few weeks. They are having financial issues and need to be given an opportunity to get on their feet. Of course this will come with ground rules, time limits, etc. There is a plan in place of the steps that will need to be taken to make changes to their situation and those steps will lead to them moving back out again. I can't imagine turning my back and saying "nope, I don't care how hard it is or how you have to live, you can't move home".

And for you this works. I too have a friend (well more of a coworker) who let her kids move back in and they are sucking her dry.
First, she had downsized to a 1 bedroom condo, so now it's 7 people (her ds and family) in a 1 bedroom/1 bath condo. 2nd, since the adults are not working who is picking up the tab for food, healthcare etc, etc. She has burned through her 401K money on her kids and grandkids and now the stress is causing her to have anxiety attacks. Yep, she had ground rules also but because of the economy it's been 2 years. Kids getting bigger, with bigger needs (don't even want to mention cell phone bill). Parents do get unemployment which they claim they are saving to move out at some point but rarely do they offer my friend and her husband more than 50 bucks here and there. I don't think they even have dreams of retiring and relaxing anymore.

Not to mention the emotional damage it's doing (I'm only getting one side of the story so she may just be complaining).two of the kids are preteen/teen girls who apparently are not adjusting well and have serious attitudes, which is leading to arguments with parents/grandparents over parenting style and bounderies. bottom line what once was a healthy, loving family is quickly falling apart.

So how much you want to bet when she's 70 and trying to live off of social security alone because she blew through her savings, her kids will be no where to be found or if they are they will be lamenting that college, etc etc leaves them no room to help.

You call it turning your back?

so what's the line between "helping out" and sacrificing your own life? and I have my doubts about all these so called sunshiney, happy ending, everyone bounced back in 2 months stories simply because now it's becoming a trend and there all types of business to help seniors protect themselves when their adult kids move back in.

Would I tell my kids they could not move in with an entire family say if they became unemployed who knows? we would seriously talk about expectations and responsibilities. maybe there would be a ton of other options I could help them with that don't involve them moving in, but one thing I do know that after weighing all the possibilities, cosidering all the consequences, if dh and I do decide to say no, we will not be emotionally blackmailed into feeling like we some how don't support our kids. (we're talking adults, not 15 year olds)

Now my young adult hood was different and I was lucky to go to college and graduate during a great economic period. After college I knew after 4 months that living with my dad was not going to cut it, if the bottom had fallen out would I have gone home? who knows? My MIL is getting up there in age so dh and I have already discussed that if she had to move in we would build a mil suite to our house, other options have been hiring home health aide so she could stay in her house and getting a condo for her and her sisters near us, but it's funny she states very forcefully that she does not want to live with any of her kids. So far we haven't had to worry about that but as I said, we are not just assuming that "moving in" with us is the best option.

 

[Desnik]

I wish her luck, she's going to need it. It will be interesting to follow up in say 3 years when boyfriend has moved on (very high probability) of that happening and unfortunatley you aren't her parents so she'll continue ot get crap from them. Mom has 5 other kids so I can't imagine she is overjoyed with another one in her house.

Are you going to help her financially also? (serious question, not intending flippancy)

Her mom only has one other child, not 5! Her other child is 5 years old. Her mom is being supportive now because she knows her daughter isn't going to change her mind. Her mom does have enough money to support them but made it Lear she will only help so her daughter can finish school & then she needs to get a job & help support the baby. We all know the guy will not stick around & she isn't counting on him for anything. As for me, I will do what I can like send her diapers, clothing, and other things the baby might need. I will be there for her emotionally to talk to & counsel her when needed. She looks up to me & calls me for advice & I will not turn my bak on her but as far as financially I will never allow her to be on the streets or go hungry.

Even as an adult, you have no concept of how truly hard it is to raise a baby until you actually experience it. So she may say she knows how hard it is, but she won't know until that baby is actually here.

I absolutely agree!

 

[eliza61]

Her mom only has one other child, not 5! Her other child is 5 years old. Her mom is being supportive now because she knows her daughter isn't going to change her mind. Her mom does have enough money to support them but made it Lear she will only help so her daughter can finish school & then she needs to get a job & help support the baby. We all know the guy will not stick around & she isn't counting on him for anything. As for me, I will do what I can like send her diapers, clothing, and other things the baby might need. I will be there for her emotionally to talk to & counsel her when needed. She looks up to me & calls me for advice & I will not turn my bak on her but as far as financially I will never allow her to be on the streets or go hungry.



I absolutely agree!

My apologies, I thought I had read that her mom had 5 other kids.

That's all well and good and noble but keep one thing in mind. This is a minor child of some one else. YOU really don't have much of a choice as to what you will or will not allow. If this childs mother decides she doesn't want you around she is well within her rights to call the authorities. YOu say she calls you for advice? why is that? why isn't she going to her mother for advice? I don't really need answers just keep in mind, this is NOT your kid ( I think you said that it wasn't your kid) and what you think you can do and what you can actually do maybe worlds apart.

As I said, good luck, this sounds like a situation where all involved are going to need it.

 

[Colleen27]

Don't you find it odd that so many people seem to feel that "pro-choice" means THEIR choice and not that of the girl?

Not odd at all. I'm pro-choice because believe it is none of the government's business, not because I think that every woman should be able to make her choice in a vacuum without influence from the other people who have a sake in the outcome. For a grown woman, it should be between her, the baby's father, and her doctor, but for a child still dependent upon parental support I see no reason why her own parents shouldn't also have a voice.

 

[Queen2PrincessG]

You can argue that till the cows come home and it doesn't change the fact that you would be manipulating that "choice", that isn't what "pro-choice" is about.

Having a baby, whether the child is put up for adoption or raised by the mother, isn't the ideal situation. But, throwing her out of your home is only adding to the problem.

It's not manipulation it's clarification. If you're stern and having a child that choice shouldnt be made based on parents taking care of you and your child. That understanding should be made clear immediately.

The problem can be fixed as can most but the facts need to be there.

 

[luvsJack]

It's not manipulation it's clarification. If you're stern and having a child that choice shouldnt be made based on parents taking care of you and your child. That understanding should be made clear immediately.

The problem can be fixed as can most but the facts need to be there.

I just keep wondering what any of you seriously think what this young teen is going to do? Let's say that she is as definite about choosing to have the baby as you are that she abort it. So, you tell her to get out. Then what?

Some of you keep saying that she can't get a job, she needs to finish school but be realistic---what would she do?

If you want her to finish school and be able to support herself and this child, how can she do that if you throw her out?

Are you truly saying that you would just wash your hands of your child and this baby?

I don't want dd to have a baby at 15. I hope I never have to cross that bridge, but I truly don't believe that I could ever look in my child's eyes and tell her she has to get out of my house. Especially not when she needs me the most.

Your friend that got the abortion in college could have made another choice that wouldn't have saddled her with a "crap guy". She didn't have to marry him. She made her choice and was ok with it, but everyone that makes a different choice is not wrong.

And there is no reason a teen parent can't finish high school. If she does choose to get a GED, she can still go to college so she doesn't have end up flipping burgers.

Eliza asked about the line between helping out and giving up your own life. I guess I am a different kind of parent because when I gave my children life, they became my number own priority. I can't understand throwing my 15 year old out into the world because I don't want to have a baby in the house. She doesn't stop being my priority because of that.

 

[luvmy3]

You can argue that till the cows come home and it doesn't change the fact that you would be manipulating that "choice", that isn't what "pro-choice" is about.

Using that logic, anything a parent offers is going to manipulate her "choice". If you tell her that if she keeps the baby you will do everything you can to help, that can influence her decision just as much as telling her if she keeps it she'll get nothing from you can.
I personally see it as informing her of the consequences of her decision. She needs to know what to expect (from her parents) if she chooses A,B or C. She still gets to make her choice.

Not odd at all. I'm pro-choice because believe it is none of the government's business, not because I think that every woman should be able to make her choice in a vacuum without influence from the other people who have a sake in the outcome. For a grown woman, it should be between her, the baby's father, and her doctor, but for a child still dependent upon parental support I see no reason why her own parents shouldn't also have a voice.

Considering the fact that as her parents we are still raising her an financially supporting her. At 15 I'll get a say in what kind of car she is going to be driving, and what kind of clothes she will be wearing, and where she can go, who she is with and what time she has to be home by. So, because she is suddenly pregnant, I as her parent don't get to a have a say? Sorry, I don't think so. If you find yourself pregnant at 15, I get a say in what will happen if you decide to keep that baby and live in my house. You can make your own choice, but there will be expectations that come with that choice since you are still a child being supported by me.

 

[luvsJack]

Using that logic, anything a parent offers is going to manipulate her "choice". If you tell her that if she keeps the baby you will do everything you can to help, that can influence her decision just as much as telling her if she keeps it she'll get nothing from you can.
I personally see it as informing her of the consequences of her decision. She needs to know what to expect (from her parents) if she chooses A,B or C. She still gets to make her choice.



Considering the fact that as her parents we are still raising her an financially supporting her. At 15 I'll get a say in what kind of car she is going to be driving, and what kind of clothes she will be wearing, and where she can go, who she is with and what time she has to be home by. So, because she is suddenly pregnant, I as her parent don't get to a have a say? Sorry, I don't think so. If you find yourself pregnant at 15, I get a say in what will happen if you decide to keep that baby and live in my house. You can make your own choice, but there will be expectations that come with that choice since you are still a child being supported by me.

But, I notice that you say "keep the baby and live in my house". That's a lot different than those that say their teen would have to find somewhere else to live.

Sure, I agree that they would need to know the truth of how things will be if they keep the baby. That is part of an informed decision. And don't get me wrong, I wouldn't just say "if you keep this child, we will do whatever we can and make it easy for you". Even if I planned to help as much as possible to keep her life as normal as possible, that wouldn't be a part of the discussion in making the decision. Realistic truths have to be given to her.

And of course you have a say in it! This is something that is going to change your life and your child's life. I mean, if there is abortion, things will still change. I don't know how to really put in words, because it is ultimately her choice and there needs to be guidance in that decision.

Its not the choice of abortion vs adoption vs keeping the baby, its the choice of the parent to be supportive of your child in whatever decision is made and whichever struggle she goes through as a result of that decision.

 

[SgtClaymore]

The damage is done so all you can really do is give here support to help guide her to what ever decision she ends up making.

I agree the best thing to do to help is show her support and guidance. I couldn't imagine how hard that would be to deal with!

 

[Colleen27]

I just keep wondering what any of you seriously think what this young teen is going to do? Let's say that she is as definite about choosing to have the baby as you are that she abort it. So, you tell her to get out. Then what?

The general idea is that she won't take it to that point - that the reality of what it means to be a 15yo parent will prevent her from making the choice to parent. For a 15yo to believe that parenting is the best of the choices available to her requires a considerable disconnect from the hard realities of that choice and a lot of assumptions (such as "I'll always be able to live with my parents" and "They'll help me finish school"). The goal of making it clear up front that those things aren't going to happen is to take the foolish choice of becoming a 15yo mother off the table.

Some of you keep saying that she can't get a job, she needs to finish school but be realistic---what would she do?

If you want her to finish school and be able to support herself and this child, how can she do that if you throw her out?

Are you truly saying that you would just wash your hands of your child and this baby?

Some might, some might not. But I'll bet the girls who know that is their parents stance think twice about getting pregnant in the first place and about how they'd handle an unplanned pregnancy if it did occur.

Your friend that got the abortion in college could have made another choice that wouldn't have saddled her with a "crap guy". She didn't have to marry him. She made her choice and was ok with it, but everyone that makes a different choice is not wrong.

You don't know that. You don't know if that "crap guy" would have consented to adoption, and choosing to parent means you're saddled with the guy for life even if you don't marry him. He still has power over the choices you're able to make and you still have to put up with his crap.

Eliza asked about the line between helping out and giving up your own life. I guess I am a different kind of parent because when I gave my children life, they became my number own priority. I can't understand throwing my 15 year old out into the world because I don't want to have a baby in the house. She doesn't stop being my priority because of that.

I don't think making your children top priority means enabling them in destructive decisions, and the choice to keep an unplanned child at 15 is just as destructive in my view as drug use, criminal behaviour, etc.

Using that logic, anything a parent offers is going to manipulate her "choice". If you tell her that if she keeps the baby you will do everything you can to help, that can influence her decision just as much as telling her if she keeps it she'll get nothing from you can.

Absolutely. Saying "We love you dear and we'll make this work" is influencing her choice just as much as saying "You're on your own if you keep the baby". Girls who have their minds already made up aren't going to be swayed, but those who are still unsure are going to read and quite likely follow their parents' cues.

 

[Queen2PrincessG]

I just keep wondering what any of you seriously think what this young teen is going to do? Let's say that she is as definite about choosing to have the baby as you are that she abort it. So, you tell her to get out. Then what?

Some of you keep saying that she can't get a job, she needs to finish school but be realistic---what would she do?

If you want her to finish school and be able to support herself and this child, how can she do that if you throw her out?

Are you truly saying that you would just wash your hands of your child and this baby?

I don't want dd to have a baby at 15. I hope I never have to cross that bridge, but I truly don't believe that I could ever look in my child's eyes and tell her she has to get out of my house. Especially not when she needs me the most.

Your friend that got the abortion in college could have made another choice that wouldn't have saddled her with a "crap guy". She didn't have to marry him. She made her choice and was ok with it, but everyone that makes a different choice is not wrong.

And there is no reason a teen parent can't finish high school. If she does choose to get a GED, she can still go to college so she doesn't have end up flipping burgers.

Eliza asked about the line between helping out and giving up your own life. I guess I am a different kind of parent because when I gave my children life, they became my number own priority. I can't understand throwing my 15 year old out into the world because I don't want to have a baby in the house. She doesn't stop being my priority because of that.

No, you are right but her offsprings aren't your responsibility. Thats a choice you are making and a choice that is enabling another bad choice. No one is speaking of marriage but lets be real, if you have a child by a guy,he is apart of your life. Whether its in or out or constant you will forever be connected to him because you have his child. That's not a easy connection to have to think about. Plus what is she going to say about the dad if he isn't around??? Is it his fault that she wants the child and he does not? No, but forever he is going to be smeared with this "deadbeat" title because someone made a choice for him and that is who really gets the tough steak. He looks like a jerk because he's using his head.

Yes my friend could have had a child while in college but let's be real it is very rare to find a similar scenario that worked. She did the right thing by not having a child that was unwanted. Plus it is VERY hard to find a guy, good educated and who has made something of himself, that wants someone with baggage. At least in my circle. no one wants to deal with step dad and mom or "baby daddy/mommy drama".
A GED 15 more than likely will not make more than $20k a year for the rest of his/her life. She will not be reliable or stand a chance against kids who are going to 4 year colleges.

 

[doris1976]

I would support her keeping the baby...in the long run....

 

[luvmy3]

But, I notice that you say "keep the baby and live in my house". That's a lot different than those that say their teen would have to find somewhere else to live.

Sure, I agree that they would need to know the truth of how things will be if they keep the baby. That is part of an informed decision. And don't get me wrong, I wouldn't just say "if you keep this child, we will do whatever we can and make it easy for you". Even if I planned to help as much as possible to keep her life as normal as possible, that wouldn't be a part of the discussion in making the decision. Realistic truths have to be given to her.

And of course you have a say in it! This is something that is going to change your life and your child's life. I mean, if there is abortion, things will still change. I don't know how to really put in words, because it is ultimately her choice and there needs to be guidance in that decision.

Its not the choice of abortion vs adoption vs keeping the baby, its the choice of the parent to be supportive of your child in whatever decision is made and whichever struggle she goes through as a result of that decision.

I am speaking from my POV, but it doesn't make a difference what the parent's "house rules" are, they will most likely influence the pregnant 15 year old's choice. In some cases those rules can be supportive or they can be the extreme opposite.

I also don't agree that a parent has to be supportive in whatever the decision is, because as a parent it is my job to make sure my kids make the right decisions. I can't support what I don't think is the right one, with no other reason than they are my kids. I would accept it but I definitely wouldn't support it.

 

[eliza61]

I am speaking from my POV, but it doesn't make a difference what the parent's "house rules" are, they will most likely influence the pregnant 15 year old's choice. In some cases those rules can be supportive or they can be the extreme opposite.

I also don't agree that a parent has to be supportive in whatever the decision is, because as a parent it is my job to make sure my kids make the right decisions. I can't support what I don't think is the right one, with no other reason than they are my kids. I would accept it but I definitely wouldn't support it.

I think as parents we some times get support confused with unconditional love.

I don't know about teen pregnancy but I do know about drug addiction and when my brother became addicted to drugs and alcohol my father kicked him out. He was not going to jepordize the wellbeing and safety of the entire family on a crack head and it turned out to absolutely be the best thing for him. He hit rock bottom and made the decision to get clean and sober.

Never once did my brother doubt that my dad loved him but he and all the siblings also knew what was acceptable and what some consequences were to certain actions.

 

[eliza61]

I just keep wondering what any of you seriously think what this young teen is going to do? Let's say that she is as definite about choosing to have the baby as you are that she abort it. So, you tell her to get out. Then what?

Some of you keep saying that she can't get a job, she needs to finish school but be realistic---what would she do?

If you want her to finish school and be able to support herself and this child, how can she do that if you throw her out?

Are you truly saying that you would just wash your hands of your child and this baby?

I don't want dd to have a baby at 15. I hope I never have to cross that bridge, but I truly don't believe that I could ever look in my child's eyes and tell her she has to get out of my house. Especially not when she needs me the most.

Your friend that got the abortion in college could have made another choice that wouldn't have saddled her with a "crap guy". She didn't have to marry him. She made her choice and was ok with it, but everyone that makes a different choice is not wrong.

And there is no reason a teen parent can't finish high school. If she does choose to get a GED, she can still go to college so she doesn't have end up flipping burgers.

Eliza asked about the line between helping out and giving up your own life. I guess I am a different kind of parent because when I gave my children life, they became my number own priority. I can't understand throwing my 15 year old out into the world because I don't want to have a baby in the house. She doesn't stop being my priority because of that.

Also remember luvs, that I specifically posed that question about ADULT children. I specifically said "not talking about a 15 year old". so it's really not fair for you to associate that question with that situation.

My children are always my priority and one of my priorities is also letting them accept the consequences of their actions and to let them understand that being a parent does not mean every thing they do is ok and without reprecussions.

Well I seem to be going round and round so I'm bowing out.
Op, hope all these great scenerios really come true for your friend.

 

[luvsJack]

Also remember luvs, that I specifically posed that question about ADULT children. I specifically said "not talking about a 15 year old". so it's really not fair for you to associate that question with that situation.

My children are always my priority and one of my priorities is also letting them accept the consequences of their actions and to let them understand that being a parent does not mean every thing they do is ok and without reprecussions.

Well I seem to be going round and round so I'm bowing out.
Op, hope all these great scenerios really come true for your friend.

Oh, I'm sorry I didn't mean to misquote you.

I am beginning to think that some of the debate going back and forth is a difference in seeing the outcome of telling a 15 year old that if she has a baby she will have to move out, get a job, etc.

Those of you that would give that ultimatum are seeing a 15 year old that will concede to having an abortion or giving the baby up for adoption whichever it is the parent believes to be the best option. And I think I keep seeing a 15 year old that desperately wants the baby and moves out to do so.

So, maybe whatever works to help the girl make the best decision for her is the way to go.


Lets all just keep working and talking and providing the needed information our girls need to make sure this stays a hypothetical situation for most of us!

 

[cornflake]

The general idea is that she won't take it to that point - that the reality of what it means to be a 15yo parent will prevent her from making the choice to parent. For a 15yo to believe that parenting is the best of the choices available to her requires a considerable disconnect from the hard realities of that choice and a lot of assumptions (such as "I'll always be able to live with my parents" and "They'll help me finish school"). The goal of making it clear up front that those things aren't going to happen is to take the foolish choice of becoming a 15yo mother off the table.


Some might, some might not. But I'll bet the girls who know that is their parents stance think twice about getting pregnant in the first place and about how they'd handle an unplanned pregnancy if it did occur.


You don't know that. You don't know if that "crap guy" would have consented to adoption, and choosing to parent means you're saddled with the guy for life even if you don't marry him. He still has power over the choices you're able to make and you still have to put up with his crap.


I don't think making your children top priority means enabling them in destructive decisions, and the choice to keep an unplanned child at 15 is just as destructive in my view as drug use, criminal behaviour, etc.


Absolutely. Saying "We love you dear and we'll make this work" is influencing her choice just as much as saying "You're on your own if you keep the baby". Girls who have their minds already made up aren't going to be swayed, but those who are still unsure are going to read and quite likely follow their parents' cues.

Pretty much all of this, exactly. Again, I have never known a teen parent, not when I was a teen, not as an adult - and most people I know and knew, including my parents, had a 'pregnant = out the door' policy. I don't think it exists in a vacuum, as MsPete noted, it's a self selecting group, among other things, but I do believe knowing that is an absolute does have an effect on a teen's choices.

I am beginning to think that some of the debate going back and forth is a difference in seeing the outcome of telling a 15 year old that if she has a baby she will have to move out, get a job, etc.

Those of you that would give that ultimatum are seeing a 15 year old that will concede to having an abortion or giving the baby up for adoption whichever it is the parent believes to be the best option. And I think I keep seeing a 15 year old that desperately wants the baby and moves out to do so.

So, maybe whatever works to help the girl make the best decision for her is the way to go.

Lets all just keep working and talking and providing the needed information our girls need to make sure this stays a hypothetical situation for most of us!

I think you're right on the first part, as people do keep saying 'what do you do/where do you send her?' and we say basically, 'we're banking on that we're not talking about teenagers so stupid as to not recognize, once you say 'your choice to have the baby and keep it - however, cannot come back here with it, so you'll have to figure out where you're going to live, where you're going to go to school, how you're going to pay for those things, how you're going to buy food, diapers, etc., what you'll do with the baby etc., etc.' that the kid will realize that, at 15, their options are (by nature of their being 15) too limited to allow for them to attempt to raise a child.

If they still were determined and attempted to move out well... that doesn't mean we'd just capitulate and say 'oh, well, didn't mean it, bring that baby over!' Presumably, realization would hit and an adoption agency would be contacted.

In the rare theoretical case in which someone would still try it and succeed well, then, presumably it'd be someone who had the ability to succeed and ok... same as a kid making any choice I thought was terribly destructive but that they were determined to show wasn't. I hope they make it, but capitulation into 'well, I'll help, even though I think you're ruining your life with this choice' doesn't work.

 

[luvsJack]

Pretty much all of this, exactly. Again, I have never known a teen parent, not when I was a teen, not as an adult - and most people I know and knew, including my parents, had a 'pregnant = out the door' policy. I don't think it exists in a vacuum, as MsPete noted, it's a self selecting group, among other things, but I do believe knowing that is an absolute does have an effect on a teen's choices.



I think you're right on the first part, as people do keep saying 'what do you do/where do you send her?' and we say basically, 'we're banking on that we're not talking about teenagers so stupid as to not recognize, once you say 'your choice to have the baby and keep it - however, cannot come back here with it, so you'll have to figure out where you're going to live, where you're going to go to school, how you're going to pay for those things, how you're going to buy food, diapers, etc., what you'll do with the baby etc., etc.' that the kid will realize that, at 15, their options are (by nature of their being 15) too limited to allow for them to attempt to raise a child.

If they still were determined and attempted to move out well... that doesn't mean we'd just capitulate and say 'oh, well, didn't mean it, bring that baby over!' Presumably, realization would hit and an adoption agency would be contacted.

In the rare theoretical case in which someone would still try it and succeed well, then, presumably it'd be someone who had the ability to succeed and ok... same as a kid making any choice I thought was terribly destructive but that they were determined to show wasn't. I hope they make it, but capitulation into 'well, I'll help, even though I think you're ruining your life with this choice' doesn't work.

I can't imagine a 15 year old that would succeed but maybe so.

I understand the theory that the child will change her mind, can't honestly say we haven't done the same thing in a very different type situation. DS had done something he needed to make right but at the time was refusing to. We told him he had to move out, the difference being he wasn't 15 and I knew exactly where he would go. And of course there was no baby involved. But, it gave him time to think about the situation without us being there to hound him or discuss it with him and he did make it right and he moved home. But the entire time he was out of the house, I was a basket case worrying about how he would survive and how bad it would get. At one point, dh was willing to go get him just for our sanity.

Having two grandchildren, I can't help but think of them and if their mother had been put out of the house. Terrifying to even think about.

Also, I know someone who did put her dd and dgd out of the house (the girl is 18 or 19, not 15). The girl went to live with the baby's father and his family, and now the girl's mother is upset because before now these people wanted nothing to do with the dgd. The longer all of this goes on, the more its tearing the whole family apart.

My point is, our own experiences and the situations we see around us are going shape our opinions and "what we would do". And one thing any parent probably should realize if presented this situation, is that something that didn't work out well in one person's life may very well work in another's. Everyone would have to make the best decision possible with the information they have and for their own child.