What to do? Re grandma and daughter's clothes

[L&Lfan]

I could be wrong, but I think the veil tradition comes from when women/girls wore head coverings in church. When that practice began to fade in the '60s/'70s (when western women stopped wearing hats in general), many churches dropped the veil as part of the First Holy Communion outfit. However, in certain regions and among certain ethnicities (Latino, for example) the veil for First Holy Communion is still popular/expected.

 

[design_mom]

I could be wrong, but I think the veil tradition comes from when women/girls wore head coverings in church. When that practice began to fade in the '60s/'70s (when western women stopped wearing hats in general), many churches dropped the veil as part of the First Holy Communion outfit. However, in certain regions and among certain ethnicities (Latino, for example) the veil for First Holy Communion is still popular/expected.

That's my understanding of the veil, too. My daughter did not want a veil. We put her hair in a bun and put a clip with a white flower on it to accent the bun. However, she was the only girl who didn't wear a veil. (Fortunately, she's okay with doing her own thing.)

I can kind of see both sides of the grandma thing. It sounds like the offer was for a specific kind of dress. I don't think that makes the gift giver manipulative. If grandma wants to buy a floor-length, blinged out dress for her granddaughter, and that's what she's offering, then the OP has the option to accept or decline the offer.

I don't blame her one bit for declining it, but just because grandma offered to buy a specific kind of dress doesn't mean she's beholden to purchase any dress that the OP/daughter pick out. I completely agree that the family should get a dress that they are comfortable with (especially the little girl), just not that grandma is being manipulative if her gift was for a certain item. (Parallel: If grandma offers to buy granddaughter a huge ice cream sundae with all the fixings, but granddaughter would prefer a bag of M&Ms, then granddaughter can say "no thanks, Grandma" to the ice cream sundae, but it would be rude to say "buy me m&m's instead. They're cheaper anyway.")

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I think I look at this in a different way. I don't think the grandmother is being manipulative etc. I think the event is important to her and she just wants to do something for her grandchild. I think that's nice. OP I know you said you picked a dress etc. and you daughter is not "girly" etc but that doesn't mean she might not find something that she does like at the local store. Why can't she go look? She might surprise you. You posted that you have a problem with the fancy dresses. I respect that but I still think your child should get to really choose not just be limited by something practical that you decided under the guise of her not being "girly". There are so many dresses to choose from. Why not at least give her that as a real option. Of course if there are things that are an absolute no I get that. I won't allow certain style clothing for my kids either regardless of the event. Also, I think maybe it's not so much about the outfit as it is for the experience. It's time spent together preparing for a big once in a lifetime event. You only have one first communion. For my children that have already received their first communion the shopping for the outfit was a very memorable day and ftr I let them pick what they wanted (within my guidelines- again certain styles I don't think are appropriate for kids e.g. Corset tops etc. ). Each child that has gone so far has picked completely different attire. Each time I was a bit surprised too. I'm really curious what the next one will pick. Don't automatically shut it down. It can be a wonderful experience. Good luck.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

Why do shoulders and toes have anything to do with modesty? Are little girls' toes and shoulders too sexy for men or something? But they can't wear floor length, so I guess ankles and legs aren't an issue? If I belonged to a church with that kind of mandate, I'd be looking for another church.



Sounds like the parents who deck out their daughters like that are all about show and not about substance. Veil? That's creepy.

Bling for communion? That's nasty, IMO. Why would there be a need for bling? What's the purpose of it? Is it all about showing off?

A veil creepy? Are u even Catholic?
I would assume not because veils have been a tradition in the Catholic Church for decades.
When my mom and grandma were little girls all females wore veils even to regular Sunday mass

Again your opinion. Different cultures different ways of doing things
A lot of Italian Americans a First Holy Communion is almost as big as a wedding , along with the dress , tiara and party
It's a huge moment in the child's life and people celebrate very differently.
By bling I meant fancier dresses and veils, not a sequenced mini dress
I posted a picture of my DD's Communion dress from 5 years ago
Actually OP's dress has more sparkles than my DD's
OP's daughters dress is very pretty
Girls just get more dressed up in our church
Showing off ? Maybe ?
My DD's was actually very conservative compared to most of the girls in her class

 

[sharbear]

I was having a hard time conceptualizing a Hanna Andersson dress for First Communion but the dress you posted is lovely and should look great for the occasion.

Did your MIL see the dress your D picked out? Before you posted a link to the dress, in my mind I was no way, they are too casual. She'll look out of place with the other girls.

I too have a mil with strong opinions and a H who thinks the best path is to let her have her own way. Sometimes I let her go and sometimes I have to stand up. This is one of those times. I guess you just have to be firm and don't have her pick out a dress. Maybe she can pick out something different, like a necklace for D to wear.

I have a feeling that this dress is what mil wanted to wear for her first communion but didn't work out for her due to finances or what her mother wanted. I think there is a lot of emotion involved and mil doesn't want her granddaughter to look out of place. I'm sure her heart is in the right place.

 

[Hikergirl]

OP, your dd's dress is perfect. She will look beautiful but most importantly she will be comfortable because her dress is a reflection of her.
If this is a case where your MIL will only pay if its an outfit she picks, just be direct and tell her "no thanks, dd already picked out something".

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I can't seem to quote but someone wrote that "bling" is nasty for a communion. Really? Sparkles on a dress are nasty? Not really seeing how but to each their own.
Also- it has nothing to do with showing off and yes- it is very cultural for some.

 

[mjkacmom]

Why do shoulders and toes have anything to do with modesty? Are little girls' toes and shoulders too sexy for men or something? But they can't wear floor length, so I guess ankles and legs aren't an issue? If I belonged to a church with that kind of mandate, I'd be looking for another church.



Sounds like the parents who deck out their daughters like that are all about show and not about substance. Veil? That's creepy.



Bling for communion? That's nasty, IMO. Why would there be a need for bling? What's the purpose of it? Is it all about showing off?

Wow, pretty insulting to the Catholic crowd! Calling little girls nasty? Veils have been worn at First Hiky Communion forever. Nordstrom' offerings.
http://m.shop.nordstrom.com/c/girls...Girls-_-Dresses&top=24&flexi=8000544_60160109
Just because cultures have different customs doesn't mean you should insult them. First Communion is a big event, here big events call for fancier clothes. The boys wear suits and ties.

 

[luvsJack]

I think I look at this in a different way. I don't think the grandmother is being manipulative etc. I think the event is important to her and she just wants to do something for her grandchild. I think that's nice. OP I know you said you picked a dress etc. and you daughter is not "girly" etc but that doesn't mean she might not find something that she does like at the local store. Why can't she go look? She might surprise you. You posted that you have a problem with the fancy dresses. I respect that but I still think your child should get to really choose not just be limited by something practical that you decided under the guise of her not being "girly". There are so many dresses to choose from. Why not at least give her that as a real option. Of course if there are things that are an absolute no I get that. I won't allow certain style clothing for my kids either regardless of the event. Also, I think maybe it's not so much about the outfit as it is for the experience. It's time spent together preparing for a big once in a lifetime event. You only have one first communion. For my children that have already received their first communion the shopping for the outfit was a very memorable day and ftr I let them pick what they wanted (within my guidelines- again certain styles I don't think are appropriate for kids e.g. Corset tops etc. ). Each child that has gone so far has picked completely different attire. Each time I was a bit surprised too. I'm really curious what the next one will pick. Don't automatically shut it down. It can be a wonderful experience. Good luck.

I totally agree with this! I am not Catholic so don't have the experience but can only liken it to shopping for dd's first prom dress. It was as much about the shopping for it as it was the dress. And if grandma can be a part of this special shopping trip, maybe she would be as happy with what your child picks out as your child is.

 

[sksjasams]

Maybe you could send MIL an email with the picture of the dress and shoes, saying something like...
"We were looking online and DD absolutely fell in love with this outfit. I went ahead and ordered it because I was worried it would sell out. What do you think?"

 

[quandrea]

Dd did pick the dress out herself. It just occurred to me that part of the reason for going Hannah Andersson was that the dress is cotton. Due to skin issues, dd must wear cotton. Synthetic fabrics cause allergic reactions and tremendous itching. That might be what I tell mil.

 

[tazdev3225]

OP go with what your daughter wants. I am speaking as a grandmother and someone who is not a girly-girl. I have 2 granddaughters and I do buy their dresses on occasion. I let them choose what they like and have never been disappointed in the choices they make. They know I do not like certain types of dresses and they are OK with that. They also know I would buy them whatever they wanted if they asked me.

My mom chose my communion dress and I despised it. I was so uncomfortable all day. And 50 years later I still remember that more than anything else about the day. When I got married she made my wedding dress and it was not what I wanted but I was able to tolerate it for her sake. I was also forced to wear a veil/tiara type thing on my head. I fought that to the day of the wedding but she cried and I gave in. The second I left the church that thing came off my head. Family and friends tried to get me to put it back on saying "I would regret taking it off in the future when I look at my pictures." it has been almost 36 years and my only regret is putting that thing on my head to begin with.

You know your daughter, do what is best for her.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Sorry, but I would pick out my own prom dress, and I would, and did, choose my own wedding dress.
Why would any woman, grandma, MIL, etc. think that that this is something that they should have a real part, say-so, in?

And, yes, I too have the same visceral reaction to little girls in adult 'pageant' dresses.

Veils are creepy, to me. Period..... (not hats or head-dresses)

This is a huge thing for me, personally, What goes into my body, or on my body, are nobody else's business.

[QUOTE="tazdev3225, post: 57188717, member: 188255"My mom chose my communion dress and I despised it. I was so uncomfortable all day. And 50 years later I still remember that more than anything else about the day. When I got married she made my wedding dress and it was not what I wanted but I was able to tolerate it for her sake. I was also forced to wear a veil/tiara type thing on my head. I fought that to the day of the wedding but she cried and I gave in. The second I left the church that thing came off my head. Family and friends tried to get me to put it back on saying "I would regret taking it off in the future when I look at my pictures." it has been almost 36 years and my only regret is putting that thing on my head to begin with.[/QUOTE]
AMEN

 

[mom2rtk]

Maybe you could send MIL an email with the picture of the dress and shoes, saying something like...
"We were looking online and DD absolutely fell in love with this outfit. I went ahead and ordered it because I was worried it would sell out. What do you think?"

That's great. But I'd leave off that "What do you think?".

 

[okeydokey]

Maybe you could send MIL an email with the picture of the dress and shoes, saying something like...
"We were looking online and DD absolutely fell in love with this outfit. I went ahead and ordered it because I was worried it would sell out. What do you think?"

This is a great approach. Stress that this is the dress DD picked and will be wearing.

 

[Pooh2]

When my daughter made her First Communion many years ago, we were on a really tight budget. I saw a simple dress on clearance for $15 so that is what she wore. She loved it though that was such a small part of the day. If one of her grammas had offered to buy her a dress, we would have been flattered.
Maybe the gramma in this thread is assuming granddaughter wants a fancy dress and a polite discussion will take care of things. This little girl is lucky to have a generous gramma who wants to be part of her day. Give her a chance to get the dress the child wants. Not every child is so lucky as to have grandparents in their lives.

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

Again, in my own parish many Moms were put out when told that their daughters could not wear a veil, that all the kids would be wearing the same simple flowered band provided by the church at no cost. This was so that nobody would feel left out or shown up. Perhaps this approach would work with Grandma.

I had a boy making First Communion, but every church that I have been part of, as an adult, have allowed personal veils. The last time that I knew of a parish dictating a certain veil, was when I was 7. And that was almost 45 years ago.

Why do shoulders and toes have anything to do with modesty? Are little girls' toes and shoulders too sexy for men or something? But they can't wear floor length, so I guess ankles and legs aren't an issue? If I belonged to a church with that kind of mandate, I'd be looking for another church.

It is best to teach modesty when they are young. That way, when they are teens they understand it. But that isn't normally the reason for the rule. Many times it is the general rule for all functions. Brides are also asked to cover up. (Closed toe shoes are oftentimes a safety issue. It only takes a couple of little girls hurt, and it becomes a rule.)

Sounds like the parents who deck out their daughters like that are all about show and not about substance. Veil? That's creepy.

Not creepy. Just a couple of thousands of years of tradition.

Bling for communion? That's nasty, IMO. Why would there be a need for bling? What's the purpose of it? Is it all about showing off?

Nasty? Really?

Between the creepy and the nasty comments, I wonder how much you actually know about the Catholic Church.

First Communion is an incredibly special day. This goes for girls and boys. My son wore his first real suit. He received his first non-plastic rosary. And he was no longer a "little kid" at church, but more of a "big boy." It was a special enough day that even today, he can tell you about it. (He is 21.)

 

[elaine amj]

Dd did pick the dress out herself. It just occurred to me that part of the reason for going Hannah Andersson was that the dress is cotton. Due to skin issues, dd must wear cotton. Synthetic fabrics cause allergic reactions and tremendous itching. That might be what I tell mil.

This sounds like the most diplomatic way to do it. And continue stressing that your DD chose it and is SO excited about wearing it (that will melt her a little).

I don't know what your MIL is like - but my mother has very definite ideas on how things should be done. She is an absolutely awesome person and I love her - but she had a LOT of friction when my brother got married with her new daughter in law. She was so excited about gaining a new daughter - but they ended up fighting so much and there were so many hurt feelings on both sides. 10 years later, it is much better but they are still prone to misunderstandings. The challenge is that my mother likes things a certain way. And believes if she pays, she should have a big say in the decision. Then there is my SIL, who likes to surprise my mom with thoughtful gestures that my mom does not know how to appreciate. I remember they had drama over the wedding invitation (my mother didn't like what my SIL spent hours designing), drama over the wedding dress (my mother didn't like SIL's choice and wanted a blingier dress) and who knows how much more drama I wasn't aware of. All exacerbated by the fact that my parents were paying for pretty much everything. And my brother and SIL wanted a huge wedding with all the trimmings.

Even though she is controlling, my mother is a very caring woman. So the trick with her is to give a little, but continue exploring options. You have to hold your ground and yet also master the delicate balance of considering her feelings. I had my own conflicts with her on my wedding dress - but I understand my mother better and knew the best way was to continue looking. Our tastes were VERY different. She wanted bling, I wanted simple. We shopped, and shopped, and shopped some more. Everything I liked, she didn't. And vice versa. But I knew if she bought me a dress that she hated, she would be really disappointed. Still, I wasn't going to wear a dress I hated either. Eventually, I put on a dress both of us were in love with. Win - win

Anyway, don't know what your MIL is like - but I can totally see my mother doing the same thing. And my solution would have been to either go shopping some more (with grandma in tow), constantly pushing for my DD to make the choice or to keep emphasizing how much DD loved the dress chosen and how full cotton was important for her comfort. Many a grandma's heart is melted by a grandkid's happiness

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I agree - the 'virginal bride of Jesus' thing is creepy! My friend had her daughter wear a pretty off white/pale yellow flower pattern dress for first communion. It was not bridelike at all. No veil, no tiara, she looked lovely and not at all like a virgin sacrifice. Let your daughter wear what she wants, as it is her event.

You have in my opinion a very skewed idea of what first communion is. Virginal bride of Jesus? Really? I don't know anyone that has ever even had that thought occur to them.

 

[mom2rtk]

Why do shoulders and toes have anything to do with modesty? Are little girls' toes and shoulders too sexy for men or something? But they can't wear floor length, so I guess ankles and legs aren't an issue? If I belonged to a church with that kind of mandate, I'd be looking for another church.



Sounds like the parents who deck out their daughters like that are all about show and not about substance. Veil? That's creepy.



Bling for communion? That's nasty, IMO. Why would there be a need for bling? What's the purpose of it? Is it all about showing off?

What an odd rant.