What to do? Re grandma and daughter's clothes

[focusondisney]

This reminds me of how I had to finally tell mil to stop buying my older dd earrings. Older dd vows she will never pierce her ears, and I believe her. I told mil that she should believe her too. It was all said in good fun. No feelings were hurt.

Sounds kind of like Grandma doesn't see the Grands for who they are, but rather who she thinks they are.

And to say because you are paying you get to choose the dress? That's what gives MILs a bad name, lol!

 

[Wishing on a star]

This needs to be about your daughter, first.... And you as the mother thrown in.
Not Grandma's decision.
While I am sure she thinks what she wants to do is lovely and just so much nicer...
Back off Granny...

You need to set a precendent with some boundaries now, or just wait what atrocity your daughter might be expected to wear when she marries!!!

 

[Wishing on a star]

I think dh just figures, "Who cares? What's the big deal?"

Then, I see an issue with your DH.... He needs to have his wife's and his daughter's back. Not support his mother with that kind of passive aggressive attitude.
I would not want my DH to somehow give the message to my daughter that "I don't care..." The message that this event, that is about her, and something as personal and important as her choice and tastes in a dress, are 'no big deal'. Not be passive (passive-agressive) because what his mother wants seems to be the bigger deal.

 

[Sweetpancake]

I remember when I had my first communion as a child, some of the other girls wore dresses and veils that made them appear to be getting married. I wore a very simple, cute little white dress with a headband. Could grandma maybe pick out her shoes and jewellery? That way she still feels included but isn't choosing her actual dress.

 

[quandrea]

I remember when I had my first communion as a child, some of the other girls wore dresses and veils that made them appear to be getting married. I wore a very simple, cute little white dress with a headband. Could grandma maybe pick out her shoes and jewellery? That way she still feels included but isn't choosing her actual dress.

Dd has already picked a headband. For shoes she says she wants sandals. Mil wants jewelled high heels. They are not on the same page at all.

 

[Poohforyou]

I kinda feel if grandma is buying the dress. Then grandma gets to buy what she wants. It's only for a one time event.

I hate gifts with strings attached, thanks but no thanks. Op, I'd tell you MIL that dd has her heart set on a dress that you've approved. If she'd like to buy that dress that would be a kind gesture, otherwise you'll buy it yourself.

 

[CarolAnn856]

I kinda feel if grandma is buying the dress. Then grandma gets to buy what she wants. It's only for a one time event.

Um, no. What a ridiculous sentiment.

 

[PollyannaMom]

Aw, it sounds to me like MIL raised boys and always dreamed of dressing a little girls for her 1st Communion!

Thank her, but politely decline, reassuring her that you didn't choose the simple dress because of financial concerns, but because it's really the one DD will be most comfortable with, and that she would simply be too nervous to walk in high-healed shoes in front of all those people.

And maybe ask the priest or first communion teacher if there are any girls in the class whose family could use a hand? If there are, you might point MIL in the direction of a win-win situation for both parties.

 

[mummabear]

Quick question. My daughter is seven. Her first communion is coming. Mil wants to pay for my dd's outfit. Problem is she wants to dress her up much more elaborately than I'm or my daughter is comfortable with. Dd wants a comfy cotton dress--Hannah Anderson dress up dress--if anyone is familiar with that brand and flat white sandals. Mil is thinking poofy satin and organza, floor length dress with rhinestone clad sparkly heels. How to handle it tactfully? Dh says if she wants to buy it just let her but I can't stand the idea of dd wearing this outfit.

I would tell Grandma that her offer to pay is very generous, she is welcome to come shopping with the two of you for DD to choose an outfit.
Then make sure DD knows that the outfit choice is hers (assuming it is appropriate) and that she should not feel pressured by anyone to pick anything else out.
If Grandma will only pay if it's the dress she wants say thanks but no thanks.

I had huge wedding dress drama with my dress maker, I left a fitting in tears, mom offered to buy me a dress said, that we would sell the made dress for whatever we could and she would upfront the money/cover any difference but she would only do it for the dress she liked not the one I wanted that was $1000 cheaper....

Hell I had to pull my head in on DD4s Birthday (now 7) I had thrown a huge Jake and the Neverland pirates party, everything themed lots of work into it, bought her a really cool Girls JNLP top and skirt and she wouldn't wear the outfit, I was pissed off, but ended up remembering how my mom was and not wanting DDs memory to be of me forcing her to wear something.

It's your DDs day, she is entitled to be comfortable in her own style, (again assuming she isn't wanting something in some way inappropriate like way to short for the occasion or really super casual like ripped jeans)

 

[Pixiedustaway]

I kinda feel if grandma is buying the dress. Then grandma gets to buy what she wants. It's only for a one time event.

I disagree. My mil paid for my oldest dd's dress. My dd chose the dress herself. I was there, obviously. Paying for the dress does not mean you have the right to choose. I say pick what you want. Hanna Anderson is gorgeous guality stuff.

 

[jevs]

I'm sorry but it is the DD's choice on what she would like to wear which sounds lovely and appropriate. Picture please. Thank granny for the gesture, do not ask her along shopping unless you're 100% sure she won't take over and pressure DD into buying something she doesn't feel comfortable in, doesn't want, and will only wear to please someone else.

Seriously guys, fast forward 20 years and imagine DD being told to wear stilettos, fishnet stockings, and a leather mini skirt because her peers, boss, or DH said so. Letting this youngster make her own clothing choices at such a young age is setting her up for later on, and it's not as if the dress she's chosen is inappropriate.

 

[luvsJack]

Is Grandma only wanting to pay for it if she buys what she wants or is she saying she would like to buy the dress and that is what she suggests?

If it's just her suggestion, I would just say "yes, that would be lovely but not dd's style at all. She would be miserable" And then show her what your child wants.

If she only plans to pay if it's that type of dress then just say "thanks but dd doesn't want that kind of dress and this is really her day so we will go shoppping and let her pick out what she wants"

I wouldn't give your dh a hard time, most men really don't see the big deal. A dress is a dress, you know? He isn't being passive or choosing his mom's side. He is just picking his battles.

However you handle this, don't make a big battle out of it. That will just make your child feel guilty and that wouldn't be fair to her.

 

[quandrea]

Is Grandma only wanting to pay for it if she buys what she wants or is she saying she would like to buy the dress and that is what she suggests?

If it's just her suggestion, I would just say "yes, that would be lovely but not dd's style at all. She would be miserable" And then show her what your child wants.

If she only plans to pay if it's that type of dress then just say "thanks but dd doesn't want that kind of dress and this is really her day so we will go shoppping and let her pick out what she wants"

I wouldn't give your dh a hard time, most men really don't see the big deal. A dress is a dress, you know? He isn't being passive or choosing his mom's side. He is just picking his battles.

However you handle this, don't make a big battle out of it. That will just make your child feel guilty and that wouldn't be fair to her.

I agree. To dh it's just not a big deal. The dress just isn't on his radar. She wants to go shopping at a local store that only carries over the top outfits. The Hannah Anderson was mail order. We have to get the shoes at the local shoe store where we get all the kids shoes. Here are the shoes. The dress is a thumbnail. Having trouble attaching pics.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

*Haven't read all the responses yet*

Personal opinion so it's not to rub peeps the wrong way but I'm not sure why when certain people offer to pay for something it becomes a "well since I'm paying for it I get to choose or have a large say-so in whatever it is they are offering to pay"..if that makes sense.

Like I get it if so and so is offering to pay for a meal out they may say "hey I'd like to go to x place if you're ok with that" and most people would probably lean more towards what the payee wants.

But offering to pay for a dress and then insist, even politely, that the wearer put on this specific dress and shoes and whatnot just doesn't sit right with me. It should more come from the heart kind of thing. Like the grandma wants to contribute to her grandchild's special milestone day...and may decide to offer with $$ but it shouldn't come with a "but now that I'm helping out/paying for this and that I get to tell you what you should wear/do".

FWIW I had my first communion in the 90s..you can guess what was in style then. I threw a fit though when my mom tried to put baby's breath wreath on my head because it itched like crazy so I ended up not wearing that thankfully. I have my picture somewhere but it's buried in a box in my mom's basement.

 

[North of Mouse]

See if that's the case, I'd rather she not buy it. For me it's a values thing. I'm really uncomfortable with the idea of dressing my seven year old up as though she were getting married. The idea of making her seem older than she is makes me very uneasy. I just hate the look, the idea of it. Same with getting the hair done, professional pictures. She's a little girl on a special day, not a woman on her wedding day.

Agree with you 100% - stick to your guns!!
Why does everyone want little girls to look like teens already?? Let them be little girls - only that way once!!!

 

[North of Mouse]

I agree. To dh it's just not a big deal. The dress just isn't on his radar. She wants to go shopping at a local store that only carries over the top outfits. The Hannah Anderson was mail order. We have to get the shoes at the local shoe store where we get all the kids shoes. Here are the shoes. The dress is a thumbnail. Having trouble attaching pics. View attachment 222538

TOTALLY appropriate for a little 7 yr. old!!!!
Anymore is 'overkill' in my opinion.

 

[quandrea]

TOTALLY appropriate for a little 7 yr. old!!!!
Anymore is 'overkill' in my opinion.

Thanks. That's what I thought. She just loves it as do I. And I think it fits the occasion as well as her age. Will have to talk with mil this week.

 

[DisneyOma]

See if that's the case, I'd rather she not buy it. For me it's a values thing. I'm really uncomfortable with the idea of dressing my seven year old up as though she were getting married. The idea of making her seem older than she is makes me very uneasy. I just hate the look, the idea of it. Same with getting the hair done, professional pictures. She's a little girl on a special day, not a woman on her wedding day.

I agree - the 'virginal bride of Jesus' thing is creepy! My friend had her daughter wear a pretty off white/pale yellow flower pattern dress for first communion. It was not bridelike at all. No veil, no tiara, she looked lovely and not at all like a virgin sacrifice. Let your daughter wear what she wants, as it is her event.

 

[AppleDumpling]

Your daughter deserves to choose her own dress. I agree that you just need to be honest with your MIL. Ask her if she wants to pay for it, otherwise suggest some alternate special gifts, such as a cross or a rosary.

BTW, some parishes around here have dress codes for First Communion. At one local church, I know girls are not allowed to wear any sleeveless dresses (for modesty), or floor length gowns. No purses, gloves or shoes with a heel. And tbh, I think some require closed toe shoes so your sandals wouldn't work.

 

[quandrea]

Your daughter deserves to choose her own dress. I agree that you just need to be honest with your MIL. Ask her if she wants to pay for it, otherwise suggest some alternate special gifts, such as a cross or a rosary.

BTW, some parishes around here have dress codes for First Communion. At one local church, I know girls are not allowed to wear any sleeveless dresses (for modesty), or floor length gowns. No purses, gloves or shoes with a heel. And tbh, I think some require closed toe shoes so your sandals wouldn't work.

No dress code. We were just gently reminded that it is not the girls' weddings.